The answers to these are pretty straightforward from a DB perspective. Do YOU want to divide up finances or not? If no, then don't bring it up. If yes, then bring it up. With the DB approach you detach, make decisions for you, and take control of your life. Before you do anything dramatic, try to give yourself a few days to think about it, and consider posting here for feedback.
If he wants something, let him ask for it, and/or do the work, especially when that something is at odds with what you want for the future.
If you don't want separation, it's his problem to figure out the challenges. You just need to ensure you cover yourself. E.g., if he moves out, what will you do to ensure you get your $x/month in alimony the court would award you, and how are you going to make ends meet on that amount of alimony?
In all things, take away the HIM focus, and replace it with a healthier YOU focus.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I had to tell myself what I am going to tell you. You have basically trained him to dump things on you. Like the puppy and you will accept it hoping he will drop a crumb of love on you. Are you worth more than crumbs of love? Yes, you made mistakes. So did he. Figure out who you want to be and work on yourself. Fix your mistakes for you. If you do it for him and the R works out, the changes won't stick. You can't change out of fear. It has to be for you. If not this R, than the next.
As for you, I want you to visualize who you are at your best self. How do you look? How do you walk? Does your face look relaxed and happy? What does your laugh sound like? Now, find that woman. Fake it until you make it. This is your single best mission. It will affect your R, but more importantly you! Connect with yourself.
Stop pain shopping. Don't look at his FB. You can change your settings so that you do not see what he posts. Ask yourself if what you are going to do will bring you closer to detachment and happiness or farther. Make new habits.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If they want you, you'll know it. If they don't want you, you'll be confused.
Good job avoiding the touch. Realize that it is our minds fooling us into wanting the touch, wanting the emotional connection so intensely once we realize we can't have it. Then once we get it again, it's not so special. Just like sex in the beginning of a R vs sex 5 years in. It's different because we think about it differently. It's an unconscious drift. Consciousness changes it all around.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
During the conversation with my wife, she said that her father can't judge the situation because she hasn't told him all the facts why she left me, which were that I put my job before her, that I abandoned her in doing so, that I put money before her, that I put possessions before her, that I stopped her from having friends over, etc.
I didn't know what to say to this so didn't say anything. My mind was saying "I must validate her feelings and not argue" but I couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound patronizing or twee or glib.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
That's better than putting your foot in your mouth.
I like simple validation:
I get that. I can see that. Or if you can try relate say "Yea he really doesn't know everything that went on does he?"
In reality, only the 2 people in a R know everything that happened. But kinda not since we can't remember everything anyways.
You need to read DB basics and hammer them home. When she states her feelings, her reality, her perspective of the situation you validate it. For now, you keep your own thoughts and feelings to yourself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I was never S. Yet I implemented those rules even in person. I was there. I was present. I was upbeat. I always had a song or a whistle on my lip. When she asked me something I answered cheerfully. I didn't initiate conversation. When she did I listened and validated.
The idea here is that he is like a cat. You know how cats are, right? They want to approach you...on their terms. Our cat can be walking towards me. Obviously wanting to jump up and lay on the recliner with me. But if I make a motion towards here, bend down and put my arms out, reach for her, etc....she will run the other direction. But if I just keep doing what I am doing. Watching TV, reading on my phone, etc. She will slowly make her way to me and jump up onto my lap when she is ready.
Let him approach and jump in your lap. And even then, play it cool.............
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You need to GAL but that doesn't mean shirking your parental responsibilities... double down on being the best parent possible. THEN DO IT. My XW and I had 50-50 custody. On the weeks I had the kids I was Superdad. On the weeks I didn't then I GAL'd like a madman. Split custody bites, there's no two ways about it. But you can make the best of it by focusing like a laser beam on being Parent of the Century on the weeks you have the kids.
[quote=AnotherStander]She fired you as husband, friend, mate and financial adviser. Her financial issues are not your problem anymore except as mandated by the court. Unless it endangers the kids. And if it does, then go back and get full custody. Focus on you and the kids, leave your W to the mess she's making.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He is out of town. I initiated no contact. I did not check his email. I did not look at the location finder on my phone to try and figure out where he is, etc. He did call me right before he went to bed, and I let it go to VM.
I did end up talking to him though as I picked my daughter up from rehearsal and she was talking to him on the car's bluetooth. I kept it light and casual. When he says, "just wanted to see how your day was'" I want to tell him EXACTLY how my day went thanks to his sorry butt but instead I said, "Great, thanks!" I kept it short. He was obviously tired and wanted to go to bed. I ended the call first. I said, "well, hope you have a good day tomorrow. Bye!"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I also find myself triggered by reading here and want to be mindful of what I post or how I react. After I read, I try and step away and reflect on how things affect me and why, rather than just dish out more advice. There has also been some conflict arising in some threads, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to create space for that in my life, and especially with strangers. I will try my best to not engage and be mindful of what I post, but I really do not like reading negativity from others.
My sitch is coming up on 5 years since my H ended his A and did a rather quick 180. I don't think about OW or the A much anymore, because it doesn't serve me. He did everything he could do to be remorseful, transparent and commit to piecing. I try and look forward now because the wounds do heal in time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The biggest problem is you want him back NOW.....The real question is do you have the patience to let him go for now and see how things play out later.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It takes such tremendous energy to rewire your brain and do things differently. I am constantly reminding myself of my goals and long term perspective. My worth. Constantly asking myself what would be a 180 for me, or am I doing something different, or is this more of the same. I am always trying to be self-aware and it is exhausting!!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
