I know this is hard and what people are writing is hard. I hope you are still reading because everyone is writing because they care so much for you and it would be easier to smile and say nothing. It really would be.
The thing I would caution you to look at in your own writing involves the extent to which you appear to have jumped in here and are over-performing in the relationship. I don't have the sense that it is S asking you to do it. You are doing it voluntarily. That is about you and would likely be the same no matter who you were with. You have lots of reasons why she isn't, I get that. But I'm afraid you are setting a tone for how this relationship will go into the future, or any future relationship for that matter. You will feel put upon and she will take for granted the things you do, until you get resentful and stop doing them, and she will then resent you for not doing the things you've always done.
You said that the relationship with your ex-wife was very unbalanced and I would hate to see you end up in a similar relationship with S. I think you have to look at your own actions for that, not S's. Someone told me recently that psychologists have determined that if you want someone to be bonded to you, get them to do so things for you, not the other way around. It would not be a bad idea for S to also do things for you and for you not to have quite so many reasons why she isn't.
I think Andrew knows that we all are concerned about him and his current situation. I pointed out several threads ago that he has a pattern with the "married" but "separated" women. Each woman has brought something to the table in the way of red flags.
True, this is a Board called Divorcebusting...but keep in mind, this particular forum is for those either starting divorce, in the middle of divorce or have been divorced and have moved on. I don't see Andrew mentioning anywhere that he is trying to save his marriage. As for the three women who have come into Andrew's life in the last year or so...none of them have been in a hurry to get a divorce before Andrew befriended them. However, I do find it interesting that S's h is showing just a wee bit of interest in the man S is dating.
I don't know Andrew personally, but maybe the "in love" feeling triggers when he meets someone new. I do think he is a rescuer and one that wears his heart on his sleeve.
Time will tell whether this one is a going to work out or not. Keep in mind...CL and B, both, didn't work out. B probably didn't feel comfortable living in Andrew's house and may have used Andrew to ignite interest from her h. Let's see school lets out in June, so that is about 4 months and S's divorce may not take place until the fall/winter...so anything can happen between now and then. They are both sort of set in their ways and it should be interesting to see how this relationship plays out.
When someone comes to the Board, all bets are off when it comes to people posting comments. We all have opinions and we all can see things that those that are posting can't because they are too close to their own situations. Just remember...there may be more to this relationship that Andrew has not shared.
I am very concerned about the children getting attached to Andrew and what he can offer in the way of stability for them.
Time will tell as to which way the wind is going to blow for Andrew and S.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know this is hard and what people are writing is hard. I hope you are still reading because everyone is writing because they care so much for you and it would be easier to smile and say nothing. It really would be.
YES! And I struggled with posting what I did, because I care and do not want to hurt Andrew, especially since nuances such as tone are lost via this medium. I ultimately chose to say something because I do care a great deal.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
The thing I would caution you to look at in your own writing involves the extent to which you appear to have jumped in here and are over-performing in the relationship. I don't have the sense that it is S asking you to do it. You are doing it voluntarily. That is about you and would likely be the same no matter who you were with. You have lots of reasons why she isn't, I get that. But I'm afraid you are setting a tone for how this relationship will go into the future, or any future relationship for that matter. You will feel put upon and she will take for granted the things you do, until you get resentful and stop doing them, and she will then resent you for not doing the things you've always done.
Can I get a hallelujah and an amen please?
Originally Posted by OwnIt
You said that the relationship with your ex-wife was very unbalanced and I would hate to see you end up in a similar relationship with S. I think you have to look at your own actions for that, not S's. Someone told me recently that psychologists have determined that if you want someone to be bonded to you, get them to do so things for you, not the other way around. It would not be a bad idea for S to also do things for you and for you not to have quite so many reasons why she isn't.
Preach it OwnIt!!!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
True, this is a Board called Divorcebusting...but keep in mind, this particular forum is for those either starting divorce, in the middle of divorce or have been divorced and have moved on. I don't see Andrew mentioning anywhere that he is trying to save his marriage. As for the three women who have come into Andrew's life in the last year or so...none of them have been in a hurry to get a divorce before Andrew befriended them. However, I do find it interesting that S's h is showing just a wee bit of interest in the man S is dating.
One of the guys posted perhaps in an earlier thread something that I felt was worth noting: while this forum might be for those in some form of d or post-d, for S's husband, at least within the past 12 months, that was not the case, as he was trying to reconcile. S's husband could be over in the Newcomers' forum saying he wants to save his marriage, but she has OM (who is Andrew) ... we will never know, but I cannot in good conscious say, "Yay go all in here at the speed of light with my blessing" when I don't feel it.
Doodler posted his personal experience of being the OM, which took courage and humility and I praise him for it. We only know what Andrew has told us and what S has told him about how her H truly feels about this. S may not even know herself how her H truly feels about the D.
At least one person who knows them IRL said, "BUT YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!" when told about their engagement. Gives one pause. At least it gives me pause.
I've got no skin in this game beyond hoping for the best for Andrew long-term, recognizing that what I would do is vastly different. Andrew, I hope you understand that the motive is pure, even if the words may sting.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
ha ha Thank you Job. Yes. That's what I think we are ALL saying. After all, we don't know the other people but we do know Andrew. He is "our" person, if you will, and I would love to see him focus on these points raised by JuJu, OwnIt, myself and others.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I understand where everyone is coming from. We do not know if S's spouse is on the forum. Truth be told, he could be on another site posting. I do find it interesting that they've been separated for a long period of time. I don't think Andrew has posted anything about S's h trying to reconcile...then again, if that were the case, S may not have shared those tidbits w/Andrew.
I totally agree that Andrew is currently the "OM" in the situation. He's the only one that is divorced at the moment.
There are always two sides to every coin and for now...we are only seeing the one. I stepped back just a bit in trying to point out the red flags a while ago. Why? It just seemed like the more we talked about the red flags and suggesting that he slow the heck down, the more that train was picking up speed.
I'm not walking in Andrew's shoes, but I honestly believe that I would have waited until S was divorced before presenting her w/a ring. Besides, I would venture to say that people in his village are watching him and this situation closely because B just exited stage right not long ago.
We all are concerned about Andrew and what is happening in his life at the moment. All we can do is continue to advise him to slow down and start taking care of himself. He needs to step back and allow S's older children to come and help her out a bit. Even knights need a break to take care of themselves.
Andrew, each and every poster is concerned about you. True, we only know what is going on by what you tell us. I know that the words sting, but keep in mind, we would give the same advice to anyone who is posting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I thought they did try to reconcile last year around this time.. Andrew said S told him she and her H went on a few dates before she realized it was SSDD as far as her H was concerned. No real changes had been made, so for her it was then over. I don't know why she didn't file for D, but that is usually something people tend to either rush or drag their feet on, from what I've read here.
Andrew, my final concern is that you've been working your butt off for both of you, and you've had your own heart issues to deal with. I'm glad you are walking and appreciate your pm's about that. As soon as I feel better and have daylight walking time I will return the favor.
Please take care of yourself physically. It's important.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Boy oh boy - I really need to learn to keep my head down and my big yap shut. I am a slow learner it would seem. I've found that the more sustance I post, the more that discussions get dragged down into the minutia so I do appologize if I don't appear to be addressing comments. I do read and try to digest them all even if some of them have a rather nasty taste. I've never had cod liver oil either. I did just now enjoy a paczki which had a very nice taste. A pre-lenten treat that I always look forward to and then forget about until the last minute.
What had prompted me to write was how profoundly it struck me that what is going on is important way beyond my world or even S herself. That hit me really hard and emphasied how seriously I need to take everything. It's not just two 50 somethings enjoying time with each other and deciding to build a new life together, there's also some fairly vulnerable people involved who beyond the fact that I quite like them, would not want them to be harmed by any thoughtless actions I may take.
In the course of this, I've found that the lessons that I've learned here about the importance of communication especially active listening and that I need to do better on that. A solid point was raised by OwnIt and reinforced by others that I need to work on improving the balance in the relationship. While S has been pretty good on the reciprocity end of things, she's had less opportunities than she might have as I dash here and there taking care of everything. The boys as well need to have that as the basis of our relationship. Not in the "you do this so I'll do that", but in the natural way that everyone's best interests are looked out for.
I do appreciate the care and concern of my friends here. I am doing my best to watch my health and make healthy choices. S is also very vigalent about it and has been encouraging about both my taking walks which her dog really enjoys too and also on taking it easy when she thinks I'm over-doing things.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
