Today is such a hard day

[oceangrl]

Be very careful telling anyone though. My W in our sitch said "I have no right to tell you not to tell anyone." I think in a way she wanted me to start telling people. It would have done two things. 1) meant she didn't have to tell or face those people. 2) given her impetus to take the next step. Kind of like "Well, people know now I just have to follow through".

The fewer people that know the more likely he'll never go through with it.

Good advice. My mom and sister know, and i have a couple of good friends who know. I was very careful with who i talked to. They do not gossip and do not pressure me to do one thing or the other. They just support me and let me vent or cry so I don't do it to him. I does not know they know.

[cardinal]

cardinal! I was just thinking this today. It takes such tremendous energy to rewire your brain and do things differently. I am constantly reminding myself of my goals and long term perspective. My worth. Constantly asking myself what would be a 180 for me, or am I doing something different, or is this more of the same. I am always trying to be self-aware and it is exhausting!!! Well, truly we are all in it together.

Hi, oceangrl--I wanted to bring this over from May's thread and just say, oh, you are so right. And I'm glad you point out it takes a lot of energy to do things differently, because I don't even think that was in the forefront of my mind when I commented, and it's a good reminder to be kind to ourselves because we are working on changing ourselves for the better, and that is big, hard work. I never thought I'd be in a place where I'd be questioning my self-worth so often, and I'm ready to stop that. I want to get to a place where I don't have to remind myself; I just know. I'm not there yet, but it starts here, right? We can do this.

[oceangrl]

cardinal! I was just thinking this today. It takes such tremendous energy to rewire your brain and do things differently. I am constantly reminding myself of my goals and long term perspective. My worth. Constantly asking myself what would be a 180 for me, or am I doing something different, or is this more of the same. I am always trying to be self-aware and it is exhausting!!! Well, truly we are all in it together.

Hi, oceangrl--I wanted to bring this over from May's thread and just say, oh, you are so right. And I'm glad you point out it takes a lot of energy to do things differently, because I don't even think that was in the forefront of my mind when I commented, and it's a good reminder to be kind to ourselves because we are working on changing ourselves for the better, and that is big, hard work. I never thought I'd be in a place where I'd be questioning my self-worth so often, and I'm ready to stop that. I want to get to a place where I don't have to remind myself; I just know. I'm not there yet, but it starts here, right? We can do this.

I keep reminding myself that!

Honestly, I was thinking today this site has saved my sanity and dignity. When feeling discouraged or hopeless I have often come here and just read other threads or the statements R2C posts. They pick me up and remind me I will be okay.

[oceangrl]

Weekend Update:

It was not easy, but I am super proud of myself. Saturday he took me to exchange a present and we were cordial but didn't talk much about anything. Yesterday he avoided me for most of the day. I know our church leader spoke with him regarding the marriage but H never mentioned it to me. I did not ask. I kept myself busy. Took a walk, called my sister for a bit. When he is in the same room with me but ignores me by being on his phone or computer or sleeping, it really hurts, and I felt the urge to talk to him about it and tell him how I felt and ask him to try again (you know that urge). But I didn't do it. I stayed positive. Later, I went downstairs while he napped and made dinner and put it in the oven. I was sitting on the couch looking at my phone when he came downstairs. He sat down and began chatting with me. We all ate dinner together, and then afterward he sat by me again and asked what I wanted to watch with him. Such a weird change but I rolled with it.

I had an appointment with my doctor today. He is aware of our past. He told me I should see an IC and take care of myself. He told me that he noticed I seem to be the one trying everything and H tries least minimum effort. He told me in his opinion I need to figure out soon what i am going to do about this relationship (divorce) as it is hurting me and he feels it's gone on long enough. He's a good guy.

Anyway, point of post is I am proud of myself for saying nothing and fighting those urges to do the same thing I always do out of pain.

[may22]

Anyway, point of post is I am proud of myself for saying nothing and fighting those urges to do the same thing I always do out of pain.

Congratulations, OG-- sometimes it feels weird to be proud of doing nothing but I know how very difficult that can be. Keep focusing on you, where you are, what you need. You've got this.

[oceangrl]

Anyway, point of post is I am proud of myself for saying nothing and fighting those urges to do the same thing I always do out of pain.

Congratulations, OG-- sometimes it feels weird to be proud of doing nothing but I know how very difficult that can be. Keep focusing on you, where you are, what you need. You've got this.

thank you for your support. trying to keep busy tonight so I don't think of it too much.

My mom is coming in tomorrow to stay a week. We booked it before his latest BD. I am worried about it being awkward. She definitely has feelings about him hurting me so much. I don't believe she will say anything. It just makes me anxious. I hate how hard it makes everything.

[oceangrl]

Update:

I'm still here, my mom has been in town so I've been spending time with her.

I always feel like it's such a roller coaster. I feel confident and hopeful one minute, and then depressed and desperate the next. I thought when we go through the PA that I was done with BDs and hard things. But I feel like they never stop coming now.

He has emotionally and physically cut me off. He will barely speak to me except for logistics, will not touch me, and does not really look at me. It's awful. He wants to go on a family ski trip next month and take DS. I hate it.

He considers himself a very spiritual church-going man. But our church leader has asked him to pray with me each night, specifically to pray about strengthening our marriage, and I can tell he is ticked at that.

This is the worst.

[KitCat]

I'm spending more time with my mom too... :-)

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer as I am my hot mess.

I do know when my H was in the house at the previous BD it was easier. He was observant and saw my changes. He was angry at first. Really angry because if I could be this way NOW, why wasn't I earlier. But, we slowly got back on track.

Now, with H out of the house. Coming and going as he feels necessary and shacking up with A. It feels much harder. I'm sure that is because this time he is set on leaving for sure. Where last time he really didn't know and not having an A he would talk with me more. Now, he shares all his thoughts with someone else.

Maybe your H was hoping your church leader would validate him more before telling what he should be doing? Finding a way for understanding and letting your H come up with his own action plan? I'm sure your H knows what he should be doing if he is no longer in PA and in the house. Sometimes when we are told to do something even if we know it needs to be done we resist.

Hugs... I'm in a for long weekend... home alone and my mind wanders... did he just get fed up enough that he filed for D on Friday???? I have no idea.

[Pommy99]

OG sending hugs your way . I so wish us DBers could grab a weekend away or a Meetup!! You are doing amazingly under difficult circumstances. WTF he wants a family ski trip !!

I am so feeling your pain at both the emotional and physical disconnect . The person who should pick you up when you fall is so close but so far .

Remember all those amazing things you have said to me, May, Wayfarer, wooba , Cardinal and everyone else. , keep strong and re read your posts. You have given so much strength to us all, you need to remind yourself of those things. . You can do this. Hugs xx

[oceangrl]

OG sending hugs your way . I so wish us DBers could grab a weekend away or a Meetup!! You are doing amazingly under difficult circumstances. WTF he wants a family ski trip !!

I am so feeling your pain at both the emotional and physical disconnect . The person who should pick you up when you fall is so close but so far .

Remember all those amazing things you have said to me, May, Wayfarer, wooba , Cardinal and everyone else. , keep strong and re read your posts. You have given so much strength to us all, you need to remind yourself of those things. . You can do this. Hugs xx

Oh Pommy!! I wish we could meet up so much!!! How great would that be! Maybe we can petition the site. Lol.

I do have to go back and read my words. I swear, I am like on point and then I fall off the cliff and biff it when it comes to DBing. Ugh, the future can be scary.