I "Nested" with my ex for awhile. I don't recommend it. Stand on your beliefs. Don't leave while he is there. He can find a new place and get it setup for the kids if he wants this so bad.
W:"I don't want this divorce, but if it is the ONLY way for you to be happy I will not stand in your way. I believe it is best that I stay in this house"
H:"Bla bla bla bla"
W:"I am sorry you feel that way"
I am not a big fan of the I am sorry you feel that way statement, I prefer "I can understand that you feel that way." But then stand your ground "I am not the one that wants to leave, so I should be the one to stay."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I third/fourth the recommendation to stay in your own house and not do anything you don't want to do. If he wants to S so badly then he can get his own place. Also agree that there is no need for you to bring it up. Wait for him to say it and then say yeah, that isn't going to work for me. Or whatever combination of the nice validating statement examples offered above but strong enough so that he realizes no matter how much he thinks it is a great idea, it simply isn't going to happen.
Also, who cares if he thinks you're being unreasonable? His idea that you just go elsewhere the weeks he is there is sooooooo messed up and wrong. It is in the same category as my H living next door with the AP and having dinner together every night. Just say no. You don't need to explain yourself to him. This isn't going to work. I think if you want to live separately, you'll need to find your own place.
And as FS says-- speak to an L and figure out your rights in CA. For instance, I asked my H to leave once I learned about the AP and he said no. This was his house too and I couldn't make him leave. Initially I had thought I could, if I filed and got an injunction I could make him leave, but then found out in my state that is very rare-- judges will only do that if there is the threat of violence or the house is so tiny that it is unreasonable to expect the Ding spouses to live together. The more you know on this the better. Also, with your H gone half the time, I would bet you are in a pretty good place to advocate for primary custody, also because of your son's career and the need for you to be there daily with him. Figure out what you might be able to expect in a D situation. Knowledge is power.
Hugs, OG. This is rough.
If you need a distraction-- make friends with a producer who can pick up wayfarer's screenplay and we can have our movie!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I am not a big fan of the I am sorry you feel that way statement, I prefer "I can understand that you feel that way." But then stand your ground "I am not the one that wants to leave, so I should be the one to stay."
There are always better ways to say things. This is a perfect example. Body language, tone, facial expressions are also extremely important and communicate more than the words.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am not a big fan of the I am sorry you feel that way statement, I prefer "I can understand that you feel that way." But then stand your ground "I am not the one that wants to leave, so I should be the one to stay."
There are always better ways to say things. This is a perfect example. Body language, tone, facial expressions are also extremely important and communicate more than the words.
yeah, that one just seems either to be an apology (which should be avoided in these sitches) or a tad passive-aggressive. "I am sorry you feel that way"....but I am not doing anything about it.
But you are right, there are ways to say it properly I guess.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You guys are a lifeline of help, thank you so much for your posts and support. It helps me to wrap my head around it. Like so many of you, never thought I could be possibly dealing with these scenarios.
He comes into town tonight. My tummy already hurts. Anyway, my sister surprised me with a birthday visit. She flew all the way from the East Coast for 36 hours! You could have knocked me over with a DR book. It has been such a happy wonderful distraction! She leaves this morning.
My husband needed to talk to me last night. He has a cousin in Wyoming who is well-off and has a fancy little cabin at a ski resort there and has invited us to go for a weekend. I braced myself to be calm and not react -- I expected him to say he was going, or he was going and taking the kids....but he included all of us to go as a family. Because I didn't know what to say I just said, "Okay, we can talk about that." I wanted to tell him I was shocked I was invited. Maybe he still wants to save face in front of his family, or maybe he is still on the "we are best friends but I get to date and have sex with other people" plan. Who knows? Not me. I just live on Planet Crazy. I don't know how to handle this. Do i just go and not worry about him and spend time with family and my kids? Mind you, we don't have money for counseling, but somehow have money for skiing. Okay.
As far as the child sharing issue (stomach lurches again), I also know he is a workaholic. We cannot get through dinner without him texting or checking emails or waiting on a call. I have spent date nights where I eat at the table alone and he is outside on the phone. He is checking his phone while we are in bed. He is a good dad who loves his kids very much, BUT during his PA for two years he was never around. He was angry. He wasn't a nice dad. So he is making up for that now out of extreme guilt. So the problem is that I am the bad guy. I am the one who disciplines. I am the one who enforces bedtimes and routines and homework and chores. It [censored]. He says yes. He takes them on trips. He buys them things and candy and treats etc etc. I think "who are you??? who is this guy??" Also mind you, he will take DS to set occasionally, but it would be hard every day because he can't assist DS and be on calls or in a Skype meeting, etc. Also, when DS is not on set, I homeschool him. He is homeschooled due to acting. My H's plan is that when I am gone I can still Skype and homeschool him. But I cannot do everything. there is still work where he needs to have someone sit by him and follow through. When I have gone out of town to take care of my mom, I wrote out specific schedules and assignments. I went over with H what he would be responsible for with DS's schoolwork. Did it get done? No. Now, if this is regular life and I am leaving twice a year no big deal. But every other week for good? I don't think that is best. But to be clear, I have no intention of punishing H or keeping his kids from him. I am too tired to play games. I don't need the validation or drama. But I do have to figure out their best interests. He says in order to have his own place he would have to sell our house. That breaks my heart. It's our dream home and my kids' home and we all love it. H doesn't care about it so again, he proposes options that don't hurt him. I just hate it all. And maybe the law doesn't care and will force his plan on all of us. I don't know.
When I disagree with his plan he is so offended. And he will tell me, "fine, we will just live in a loveless marriage." Since you can't see me I will tell you I am rolling my eyes. Now I feel like saying, "Oh no buddy, that door closed. Now you get to lie in the bed you made."
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Be wary of cake-eating. Most WASs want their cake and eat it too. My guess is that the well-off cousin invited all of you, and your H doesn't feel comfortable telling your cousin that you guys are separating.
Originally Posted by oceangrl
When I disagree with his plan he is so offended. And he will tell me, "fine, we will just live in a loveless marriage." Since you can't see me I will tell you I am rolling my eyes. Now I feel like saying, "Oh no buddy, that door closed. Now you get to lie in the bed you made."
Got this from my W as well, during our sitch. Whenever I wasn't on board with her plan. "I guess I can just stay miserable." or something similar. This goes along with rewriting history. According to her she hadn't been happy a minute of our 19 year marriage.
As far as life post D, it is rarely as terrible as we make it out to be in our heads. You will be fine.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cake-eating is real for sure. I also don't know how to deal with this fact that he acts like we are best friends with no touchy touchy. His love language is touch but he won't let me near him. But he talks to me like nothing is wrong and we didn't discuss divorce logistics and his plan for our future. It really throws me off.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
They are cowards. Brave enough to tell you, the LBS, that he wants a D....but not brave enough to tell it to the world (yet). He can tell you all the things that you did wrong, but cannot withstand the rest of the world judging him.
About kids - you are not the bad guy. You are the responsible parent. Someone has to discipline the children. Sometimes I feel that way too, thinking it is so easy for H to buy junk food and candy for our boys and indulge them with TV time/game time when he’s around.....but I’ve let that go. That’s also expectation, expecting your H to be a decent parent. That is tricky when you really need him to be on top of things when you’re absent. Is there any way for you get outside help? Maybe even a paid sitter can do better.
Be very careful telling anyone though. My W in our sitch said "I have no right to tell you not to tell anyone." I think in a way she wanted me to start telling people. It would have done two things. 1) meant she didn't have to tell or face those people. 2) given her impetus to take the next step. Kind of like "Well, people know now I just have to follow through".
The fewer people that know the more likely he'll never go through with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
They are cowards. Brave enough to tell you, the LBS, that he wants a D....but not brave enough to tell it to the world (yet). He can tell you all the things that you did wrong, but cannot withstand the rest of the world judging him.
About kids - you are not the bad guy. You are the responsible parent. Someone has to discipline the children. Sometimes I feel that way too, thinking it is so easy for H to buy junk food and candy for our boys and indulge them with TV time/game time when he’s around.....but I’ve let that go. That’s also expectation, expecting your H to be a decent parent. That is tricky when you really need him to be on top of things when you’re absent. Is there any way for you get outside help? Maybe even a paid sitter can do better.
You've kind of nailed why I've lost so much respect for him. Watching him behave like this and handle situations in such a lame way just makes me so disappointed in him.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
