I don't want a divorce II ---- NEW THREAD Part 2

[oceangrl]

So this morning I was already up. Showered and looking good. Wore clothes I dont typically wear unless out of town [I wear scrubs tonwork].

I did not know if he was showing up when or if at all.

I say Hello and I'm working with the dogs and getting them settled.

I made huge mistake in asking if he was sleeping here today... honestly just to make it quiet for him. He said no.

I asked if he was moving out. He said he was trying to even looking for crappy places just to get out. I asked where he was staying and then immediately said it's not my business... he said friends.

Ugh... terrible chasing on my part because I said male or female... he said female. I said was this more than friends... he said to definite more than friends. I was quiet. He stated he has known this person 30yr. She definitely wants more. He says it would not be a good thing and nothing that would ever be long term successful.

I dropped it...

Ok.. here comes the begging... I told him he was the best thing g to ever happen to me and he was the hardest working man I know. He just said stop.

H: You lost interest in me.
Me: I lost the ability to show interest in you.
H: YOU lost interest in me... [implying it was the same thing]
H: I've got to be done. It will get better for 2 weeks and then be bad for 3 months.

I went back to house doing my own thing.

He feel asleep at the kitchen table for awhile... showered and dressed in work clothes.

I went about my business putting on shoes to go with outfit... nice wedges and the whole ensemble is a 180... I only dress like that when out of town or special occasion. I want looking to see if he noticed but at some point we bumped spaces in the kitchen and I caught his eyes on ME... but it was a quick glance to my stomach... which is not as flat as it used to be... but I'm working on it. And the outfit helped hide a little. I was wearing a tight top that showed cleavage and showed off my big knockers... that I know he loves. If the extra weight had gone to my but not a big deal but I have always known he doesnt like a big belly on a man or woman.

My last big mistake was saying if he would take care of the dogs when I am gone in March... frack... future talk. He was grumpy in his response... then could S18 do it...then saying I dont know where I am going to be. That was prob my biggest mistake of the day.

I thought he was leaving but he settled down in his recliner and started online gaming... something g he told me he quit doing. I left him be and got ready to leave.

I asked if it was ok to leave dogs in house... he said he thought so and wanted to know how long I be gone... I said an hr. He said he was going to X... I'm sure to get the rest of the stuff needed to finish garage... he hadn't been in a hurry before but I think he wants no reason to return.

I'm in a parking lot to give myself space so I quit making mistakes

You've already told him you want to be with him.

You've already told him you don't want divorce and you feel you can change. Don't tell him anymore. That's not working. As it says in DR, don't do more of the same.

Now show him. But show him by doing it for you.

Stop asking his permission to do things. Stop asking him if it's okay to leave the dogs inside or if he can help you with them. Instead, say something like, "I'm heading out. Dogs in or out?" or "I'm heading out. Put the dogs out when you leave."
"We will have to make arrangements for dogs in March. How can you help?"

As far as an AP goes, I asked my husband straight out if he had one and he said no. He had been with someone for a year already. Integrity and affairs don't go together.

Make a playlist of awesome songs that make you happy and feel empowered.

When he looks at your stomach, instead of feeling less than think "what a jerk. I can do better."

Flip the script. Think of something he did unkind to you today and realize he doesn't treat you very well.

Yes, you made mistakes. Well, he's not exactly a knight in shining armor right now either. Because you haven't forgiven yourself yet you keep beating yourself up. He is acting like a big fat victim and you definitely want to stop playing into that.

You've got this. Start telling yourself you do.

[SteveLW]

So this morning I was already up. Showered and looking good. Wore clothes I dont typically wear unless out of town [I wear scrubs tonwork].

I did not know if he was showing up when or if at all.

I say Hello and I'm working with the dogs and getting them settled.

I made huge mistake in asking if he was sleeping here today... honestly just to make it quiet for him. He said no.

I asked if he was moving out. He said he was trying to even looking for crappy places just to get out. I asked where he was staying and then immediately said it's not my business... he said friends.

Ugh... terrible chasing on my part because I said male or female... he said female. I said was this more than friends... he said to definite more than friends. I was quiet. He stated he has known this person 30yr. She definitely wants more. He says it would not be a good thing and nothing that would ever be long term successful.

I dropped it...

Ok.. here comes the begging... I told him he was the best thing g to ever happen to me and he was the hardest working man I know. He just said stop.

H: You lost interest in me.
Me: I lost the ability to show interest in you.
H: YOU lost interest in me... [implying it was the same thing]
H: I've got to be done. It will get better for 2 weeks and then be bad for 3 months.

I went back to house doing my own thing.

He feel asleep at the kitchen table for awhile... showered and dressed in work clothes.

I went about my business putting on shoes to go with outfit... nice wedges and the whole ensemble is a 180... I only dress like that when out of town or special occasion. I want looking to see if he noticed but at some point we bumped spaces in the kitchen and I caught his eyes on ME... but it was a quick glance to my stomach... which is not as flat as it used to be... but I'm working on it. And the outfit helped hide a little. I was wearing a tight top that showed cleavage and showed off my big knockers... that I know he loves. If the extra weight had gone to my but not a big deal but I have always known he doesnt like a big belly on a man or woman.

My last big mistake was saying if he would take care of the dogs when I am gone in March... frack... future talk. He was grumpy in his response... then could S18 do it...then saying I dont know where I am going to be. That was prob my biggest mistake of the day.

I thought he was leaving but he settled down in his recliner and started online gaming... something g he told me he quit doing. I left him be and got ready to leave.

I asked if it was ok to leave dogs in house... he said he thought so and wanted to know how long I be gone... I said an hr. He said he was going to X... I'm sure to get the rest of the stuff needed to finish garage... he hadn't been in a hurry before but I think he wants no reason to return.

I'm in a parking lot to give myself space so I quit making mistakes

You've already told him you want to be with him.

You've already told him you don't want divorce and you feel you can change. Don't tell him anymore. That's not working. As it says in DR, don't do more of the same.

Now show him. But show him by doing it for you.

Stop asking his permission to do things. Stop asking him if it's okay to leave the dogs inside or if he can help you with them. Instead, say something like, "I'm heading out. Dogs in or out?" or "I'm heading out. Put the dogs out when you leave."
"We will have to make arrangements for dogs in March. How can you help?"

As far as an AP goes, I asked my husband straight out if he had one and he said no. He had been with someone for a year already. Integrity and affairs don't go together.

Make a playlist of awesome songs that make you happy and feel empowered.

When he looks at your stomach, instead of feeling less than think "what a jerk. I can do better."

Flip the script. Think of something he did unkind to you today and realize he doesn't treat you very well.

Yes, you made mistakes. Well, he's not exactly a knight in shining armor right now either. Because you haven't forgiven yourself yet you keep beating yourself up. He is acting like a big fat victim and you definitely want to stop playing into that.

You've got this. Start telling yourself you do.

Great post. One other thing to remember KitCat. Every time you remind him that you want to be with him, that you don't want a D and that you are willing to change for him, you cement yourself as his Plan B. As I told you in my story yesterday, I was plan B.......for nearly 20 years. It is a terrible place to be. Be no one's plan B. And the only chance you have of him coming back believe it or not is to think he is losing you.

[job]

KC,

I went back and read your very first thread that you posted. Your h has a history of having affairs, both PA and EA, throughout his marriage. Leopards do not change their spots, as one poster posted.

I think your h never truly warmed up to the idea of remaining in the relationship from several years ago. I think he's been biding his time and now that there is someone else in the picture, he's going to use her as an "exist affair" to leave the marriage. I honestly do not think that this man was very sincere in trying to make it work. He may have said and done some of the "right" things that he thought you wanted to hear, but his heart hasn't been in trying to work on the issues that may have come up in the second marriage.

His issues run deep and unfortunately, he's a repeat offender when it comes to affairs. I know you love this man, but you've got to let him go and focus on you, your health and your child. If he straightens himself out and wants to reconcile, then he would need IC and prove himself to be honest, transparent in all things and earn your trust.

Let him go, let God have him for a while. He knows you are desperate and in a panic over him leaving. In many ways, he may even get a thrill out of the fact that he may have two women fighting over him. Let him go so that the ow gets the his moody self in her face all of the time. By letting him go, they spend more time together and start to see all of the warts and bad behavior because people tend to put on a good front when they first meet. If you step away, all of that "in your face time together will wear thing eventually because life really doesn't change because you still have to work, bills to pay and the normal day-to-day stuff continues". Give them all of that while you are working on you and taking care of your son.

You do realize that all of that FB garbage was put out there so that you would see it. They are rubbing this stuff in your face to get to you and make you so angry that you'll put him and his belongings out on the street. Don't help him. If he wants to leave, he's going to have to be a man and do it on his own.

Now about that puppy. If that puppy was purchased for him, then you need to consider several things...1) he needs to take the pup w/him because it is his; 2) if the puppy stays w/you, is your son going to be responsible for the pup's care; and 3) how do you propose to take care of a puppy when you were ungodly hours? Something has to give in this area because puppies require a lot of time and work. So, this is something you need to think about.

As we all have stated...focus on YOU! Try detaching more and stop asking him questions or attempting to make small talk w/him. If he wants to talk to you, he will find you and talk. He's a roommate for the time being. He fired you as a wife, so leave him be. You are not his mother...allow him to figure things out for himself and please stop making excuses for his behavior. He's the one out there having the affair...not you.

[KitCat]

Hard day--him confirming he's staying with a female friend who wants to be more than friends. I wish more situations were turned around by the LBS bravely putting themselves out there like you did. It's a shame that, by this point, a big chunk of them has already moved on. You did spur him to share his feelings. If he does that again, remember Validation is usually more effective than Disagreement.

H: Stop. You lost interest in me.
You: You felt like I wasn't interest in you.

With no minor kids in common, and this being your second rodeo, I wonder if you don't deserve better. No need to decide, of course, because either way Detaching and GAL are the key next DB steps.

CW ---- EXCELLENT!!!

Why weren't you in my head this morning!!! I got tongued. I had tried to validate him just prior to that statement and he cut me off with at stop.

So everything was spinning... I think when he tries to say something that isn't how I was feeling its a gut reaction. I must practice practice practice AGREEING WITH HIM!!

CW - I love this man... not with infatuation love... I love for what we have been through together. That on my hardest days... the ones where he is pushing my buttons and probably taking me for granted... I want no one else by my side. In December he took the time to wrap a small package and then kept wrapping in bigger box after box with plenty of packing peanuts... Does that sound like a man who doesn't love his wife? Just 30 days ago he on his own accord shopped for yarn for me and it wasn't cheap... a total surprise.

My H did warn me... he recently said his needs were not being met. AND, rather than take a moment and look my H in the face and say I'm so sorry you that way and we need to address it.... I heard what he said and in my head knew we had date night tickets for an event... that would be the night he would be mine... he was tired and fell asleep...

I realize I'm terrible at communication. Rather than saying I'm looking forward to riding season as I've got this great place lined up... I just kept it to myself and was saving it for a date night. H likes the boat for his down time but I was looking forward to asking to go a couple of times so we could spend time together but again its in my head. I should have just texted him randomly... looking forward to going fishing a time or two this summer. UGH... why did I not let him in????

[KitCat]

Stop asking his permission to do things. Stop asking him if it's okay to leave the dogs inside or if he can help you with them. Instead, say something like, "I'm heading out. Dogs in or out?" or "I'm heading out. Put the dogs out when you leave."
"We will have to make arrangements for dogs in March. How can you help?"

THIS ^^^^^^^ YES, I get it!!! I need to make statements before a question! Got it - this is good!

[SteveLW]

And KC finds even more blame to pile on herself.

So being bad at communication justifies going back on marriage vows, lying to your wife, and cheating with an OW?

Nothing you've told us justifies what he is doing. Nothing. It reminds me of when my wife tried to be upset with me for snooping. I said to her "So snooping is worse than there being something for me to find??" She had to agree that it wasn't.

You're making a ton of excuses for him. You know what is a good exercise? Stepping out of your shoes and pretending you're a friend observing this from outside the relationship.

If your friend was you, and her husband was behaving this way, what would you say to her?

[KitCat]

KC,

I went back and read your very first thread that you posted. Your h has a history of having affairs, both PA and EA, throughout his marriage. Leopards do not change their spots, as one poster posted.

This is true. But he told me something today that makes what he said more believable that he hasn't yet... doesn't mean he won't. He goes out drinking and may make a bad decision if she is throwing herself at him. If he really is in an A the truth will eventually come out and he will have to live with the fact he lied to me.

I think your h never truly warmed up to the idea of remaining in the relationship from several years ago. I think he's been biding his time and now that there is someone else in the picture, he's going to use her as an "exist affair" to leave the marriage. I honestly do not think that this man was very sincere in trying to make it work. He may have said and done some of the "right" things that he thought you wanted to hear, but his heart hasn't been in trying to work on the issues that may have come up in the second marriage.

Maybe... but honestly I feel he was very content with EVERYTHING as long as his need for physical affection was met. My H works LONG hours and many days without a break -- FOR US. He is sleep deprived and gets grumpy. I would take that personally and withdraw when I should have been saying its the stress and lack of sleep.

Let him go, let God have him for a while. He knows you are desperate and in a panic over him leaving. In many ways, he may even get a thrill out of the fact that he may have two women fighting over him.

Yes... and maybe that explains something else he is doing??? I will write another post shortly about the rest of today.

You do realize that all of that FB garbage was put out there so that you would see it. They are rubbing this stuff in your face to get to you and make you so angry that you'll put him and his belongings out on the street. Don't help him. If he wants to leave, he's going to have to be a man and do it on his own.

Most likely... he is probably all over the place and if he is staying with a female who is into him.. his ego is probably over the top and rubbing it in.

Now about that puppy. If that puppy was purchased for him, then you need to consider several things...1) he needs to take the pup w/him because it is his; 2) if the puppy stays w/you, is your son going to be responsible for the pup's care; and 3) how do you propose to take care of a puppy when you were ungodly hours? Something has to give in this area because puppies require a lot of time and work. So, this is something you need to think about.

Yes, he is okay with taking the puppy when he goes but its unfair that he is doing NOTHING to help take care of puppy now. Puppy is doing okay but certainly I would feel better if he is walked and played with more. I'm attached to the puppy as is the other dog. I'm worried about sending off the puppy with H if he is not bonding with him now. I think having a dog will help him. BUT, I was very clear---- if you cannot handle the puppy then you must bring him back here. He agreed.

As we all have stated...focus on YOU! Try detaching more and stop asking him questions or attempting to make small talk w/him. If he wants to talk to you, he will find you and talk. He's a roommate for the time being. He fired you as a wife, so leave him be. You are not his mother...allow him to figure things out for himself and please stop making excuses for his behavior. He's the one out there having the affair...not you.

I had a decent day overall. I talked with a good friend. Had a nice long drive on a pretty but cold day. Met up with family group at restaurant for a nice visit. They asked about H. I lied and said he was at work. Not the place to have that conversation!

[KitCat]

And KC finds even more blame to pile on herself.

So being bad at communication justifies going back on marriage vows, lying to your wife, and cheating with an OW?

Nothing you've told us justifies what he is doing. Nothing. It reminds me of when my wife tried to be upset with me for snooping. I said to her "So snooping is worse than there being something for me to find??" She had to agree that it wasn't.

You're making a ton of excuses for him. You know what is a good exercise? Stepping out of your shoes and pretending you're a friend observing this from outside the relationship.

If your friend was you, and her husband was behaving this way, what would you say to her?

I see what you are saying...

I wasn't saying that so much as to berat myself but kind of an eye opener... THIS is something I need to work on. I need to work on getting out of my head and communicating things better. I am supposed to work on myself right???

[KitCat]

So while I struggled and stumbled DBing this morning with H... I did a better job later.

I had plans so I was leaving as he finished another repair in garage. I said "have a nice night", he grumble something back and I got into my car.

He came over and asked me to roll down the window.

H: The other day you mention being embarrassed. I didn't know what that meant. I will unfriend your family and mutual friends on FB. What you tell your family should be up to you.
Me: I was embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior in regards to you. You don't need to unfriend based on that, but what you do is your choice. Right now I'm not saying a whole lot to my family.
H: [walks away in garage back is turned mumbling something again about unfriending family/friends]
Me: Its your choice if you do.
Me: Does that include me? [okay somebody smack me with a nerf bat]
H: I don't know... rambles on

It's weird that he would have that discussion with me. He simply could do it without a word. He wants to separate everything and if he is not wearing his wedding ring it would make sense he would drop me off his FB.

So I leave the house realizing as I'm down the street I did not know what was happening with 3rd repair. So I call H and he explains and I ask if he can order online. He said he was looking into it... I said great! THANKS! BYE --- I ended the phone call. Yeah Me!!

Later I'm still driving to my destination and H calls me. I was on the other line so I'm stumbling to get off speaker phone and ask him to hold for a second while I get him switched. H then asks is there a problem. I said NOPE. I just know you don't like being on speaker phone.

H continued to talk about product and cost and moving money over. He also said what have I done about a cell phone. We at first had talked about replacing S18 phone... I just hadn't gotten to it yet. Then H said I thought we decided that you would get a new phone and give S18 your old phone. I was like I could do that. He asked if I was okay to stay on the phone while he finished looking up stuff. I said yes... I'm still driving [I did not volunteer where I was going] Once it seemed like H got this garage product ordered I said THANKS! BYE. I again was the first to hang up. YEAH ME AGAIN!!

So nearly at my destination... AND H calls again. I say hang on trying to get you off speaker phone again. He says don't worry about just a couple of things I want to go over with you before I leave. MY HEART SINKS... is he going to tell me over the phone that the divorce paper work is on the table???? This is NOT cool. I know he was asking about his mail.

H: Just 2 things.
Me: okay.
H: The receipt for the garage product is on the table.
Me: Thanks.
H: I moved the dog kennel back [it had been moved from its location for drywall work]
Me: Thanks for letting me know.. BYE

So Yeah Me a third time I ended the call short!!!! But the call was 100% UNNECESSARY!! I didn't need the paperwork. If he left it at the table it would have been the first thing I saw upon coming home... nothing else is at my spot at the table. He frequently leaves stuff there that he thinks I need and never tells me. He may ask later if I got it but never notifies me. AND - I could clearly see that you moved the dog kennel back to its spot when I got home. He goes days without talking to me. He knows I have no idea where he is - doesn't have the courtesy to say I'll be by Saturday morning to do garage work and laundry... just comes and goes as he pleases. So why did he make this call??? I ended it quickly.

When I got home later he clearly took an overnight bag with 1 change of clothes and an extra shirt. I have done this mans laundry for 10yr... I know his half of the closet.

Additionally, I have already mentioned that I forgot to log out of FB and Wednesday he was able to get on my FB account and not only surfed all over it but read my messages to male high school friend who I have been close to for many years... never anything there. I'm pouring my heart out to this friend - fears anxieties, what I failed to do etc. All laid out for him to read and he did.

Today ---- I found out as he was getting online to order the garage stuff he tried to get onto my FB account. I was logged out thankfully. He tried to log on 3 times.

Why is he spying on me????

Is reading about my personal pain giving him an ego boost???

[KitCat]

Affair confirm but not by H