Asking? No. That almost never helps. When someone has a secret AP—if that’s what is happening—they usually lie and gaslight. Letting them know you suspect also puts them on-guard making it harder to learn the truth. Things do seem to come out in time, but you also have the options of a GPS tracker in his car (e.g., Tile) or private detective.
How do you fight for your H? You fight for him by letting him go. Again, DBing is counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts to chase and convince him to stay.
Yes... will stay away from FB... was really good until last 48hr.
Well he came home this am... went right to work I garage to repair drywall... not a word to me.
I stepped out. He is on his phone and barely looks at me.
I said it looked nice and had a few more questions because I'm going to be the one to paint the whole section.
Then I should have left... went to my corner of the house... but I didnt and I see now what I did say was nothing but chasing and R talk.
All my hard work of not calling or texting for days kind of blown perhaps. I will share more details later.
I think he is only here to see if papers arrived ... he asked if he had any mail in the last 2 days. He didnt outside a flyer for furniture sale and I never save that stuff for him anyway. I think he was expecting papers to come... I think he is waiting on the mail. Darn mailman...
How do you fight for your H? You fight for him by letting him go. Again, DBing is counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts to chase and convince him to stay.
But it seems like with the comments he is looking for someone to fight for him.... he wants someone to fight for him, or I guess ita more that he wants someone else to fight for him....
I just dont want him walking away feeling I didnt fight for him.
How do you fight for your H? You fight for him by letting him go. Again, DBing is counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts to chase and convince him to stay.
But it seems like with the comments he is looking for someone to fight for him.... he wants someone to fight for him, or I guess ita more that he wants someone else to fight for him....
I just dont want him walking away feeling I didnt fight for him.
Here is your problem. As the LBS, no matter what you do, he'll say it's the wrong thing. If you fight and chase he'll accuse you of smothering him and being controlling. If you DB he'll claim he wants to be chased and fought for. You're darned if you do and darned if you don't..... According to his words.
But if you let him go, give him time and space, then all these other dynamics we've talked about could eventually come into play. He'll get curious why you aren't chasing, calling, hounding. As you distance, he'll get the urge to pursue. Whether he does or not, none of us know.
What I can't tell you is I've seen dozens, maybe hundreds of these sitches, and pressure and pursuit work in less than 1% of the cases. DBing only gives you a 50/50 chance, less the worse you are at it. As you can see, the best chance you have is to DB the best you can. But it isn't up to you or anyone else other than him ultimately.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/22/2003:16 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So this morning I was already up. Showered and looking good. Wore clothes I dont typically wear unless out of town [I wear scrubs tonwork].
I did not know if he was showing up when or if at all.
I say Hello and I'm working with the dogs and getting them settled.
I made huge mistake in asking if he was sleeping here today... honestly just to make it quiet for him. He said no.
I asked if he was moving out. He said he was trying to even looking for crappy places just to get out. I asked where he was staying and then immediately said it's not my business... he said friends.
Ugh... terrible chasing on my part because I said male or female... he said female. I said was this more than friends... he said to definite more than friends. I was quiet. He stated he has known this person 30yr. She definitely wants more. He says it would not be a good thing and nothing that would ever be long term successful.
I dropped it...
Ok.. here comes the begging... I told him he was the best thing g to ever happen to me and he was the hardest working man I know. He just said stop.
H: You lost interest in me. Me: I lost the ability to show interest in you. H: YOU lost interest in me... [implying it was the same thing] H: I've got to be done. It will get better for 2 weeks and then be bad for 3 months.
I went back to house doing my own thing.
He feel asleep at the kitchen table for awhile... showered and dressed in work clothes.
I went about my business putting on shoes to go with outfit... nice wedges and the whole ensemble is a 180... I only dress like that when out of town or special occasion. I want looking to see if he noticed but at some point we bumped spaces in the kitchen and I caught his eyes on ME... but it was a quick glance to my stomach... which is not as flat as it used to be... but I'm working on it. And the outfit helped hide a little. I was wearing a tight top that showed cleavage and showed off my big knockers... that I know he loves. If the extra weight had gone to my but not a big deal but I have always known he doesnt like a big belly on a man or woman.
My last big mistake was saying if he would take care of the dogs when I am gone in March... frack... future talk. He was grumpy in his response... then could S18 do it...then saying I dont know where I am going to be. That was prob my biggest mistake of the day.
I thought he was leaving but he settled down in his recliner and started online gaming... something g he told me he quit doing. I left him be and got ready to leave.
I asked if it was ok to leave dogs in house... he said he thought so and wanted to know how long I be gone... I said an hr. He said he was going to X... I'm sure to get the rest of the stuff needed to finish garage... he hadn't been in a hurry before but I think he wants no reason to return.
I'm in a parking lot to give myself space so I quit making mistakes
How do you fight for your H? You fight for him by letting him go. Again, DBing is counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts to chase and convince him to stay.
But it seems like with the comments he is looking for someone to fight for him.... he wants someone to fight for him, or I guess ita more that he wants someone else to fight for him....
I just dont want him walking away feeling I didnt fight for him.
Here is your problem. As the LBS, no matter what you do, he'll say it's the wrong thing. If you fight and chase he'll accuse you of smothering him and being controlling. If you DB he'll claim he wants to be chased and fought for. You're darned if you do and darned if you don't..... According to his words.
But if you let him go, give him time and space, then all these other dynamics we've talked about could eventually come into play. He'll get curious why you aren't chasing, calling, hounding. As you distance, he'll get the urge to pursue. Whether he does or not, none of us know.
What I can't tell you is I've seen dozens, maybe hundreds of these sitches, and pressure and pursuit work in less than 1% of the cases. DBing only gives you a 50/50 chance, less the worse you are at it. As you can see, the best chance you have is to DB the best you can. But it isn't up to you or anyone else other than him ultimately.
It's all up to him.
That is what happened last time.. I pulled back and made some changes... he came to me. BUT, AND A VERY BIG BUT, he wasnt as committed to leaving... he had more doubts as to what direction and he never told his parents. This time his actions are lining up with his words.
Well he is probably annoyed that I'm dressed up. He is stressed and smoking a lot. The stress probably comes from salt having to be here... which is why he is finishing up garage tasks.
He is still here this am... he briefly relaxed and did online game, then left for store to get garage stuff. When he returned he was back in garage for awhile... came out stating the part he needs is an hour away. I said you are not doing that today? He said no and just left again. I think to return the part he bought but who knows.
I will let go...
I will focus more on me... I will delay paperwork as best I can... I will continue not to call or text. I will pull away from him. I will stop checking in... I will not ask him to participate in the show we got expensive tickets for or our massages scehuled this week.
He can look at the calendar... unless he removed that from his phone.
My H can be an Ahole at times. But he makes a valid point about it will be good and then bad but his rewriting history of just 2 weeks in harsh but whatever.
In his mind right now he is not coming back.
I have to stop looking at FB... I have to focus on me only. Stop asking him if he wants dinner. He is a big boy... a change would be if he asked me if I wanted some dinner.
I told him he was the best thing g to ever happen to me and he was the hardest working man I know. He just said..
H: Stop. You lost interest in me. Me: I lost the ability to show interest in you. H: YOU lost interest in me...
Hard day--him confirming he's staying with a female friend who wants to be more than friends. I wish more situations were turned around by the LBS bravely putting themselves out there like you did. It's a shame that, by this point, a big chunk of them has already moved on. You did spur him to share his feelings. If he does that again, remember Validation is usually more effective than Disagreement.
H: Stop. You lost interest in me. You: You felt like I wasn't interest in you.
With no minor kids in common, and this being your second rodeo, I wonder if you don't deserve better. No need to decide, of course, because either way Detaching and GAL are the key next DB steps.
