I would not like fact that someone you barely know just walks in your house and just eats your food. Like you are running a bed and breakfast. Just be careful my man.
Actually he wasn't going through my fridge - it was a reference to how he treats S's home and presumably the place where D17 is living. On the couple of times he's been here and the times I've seen him at S's apartment where he lived for a couple of years (long story) he doesn't interact with anyone else, just sits either alone in a separate room when D17 isn't around or in as close proximity to her as he can physically manage when she's there.
I did talk to S about him and my feelings and we both agree that we find that he's more than a bit of an "taker". S being even more of a rescuer than I am has been - IMO - taken advantage of for several years which as a single mom on a fixed income it is undoubtedly rather hard to have a full sized teenager and his appetite stay for years.
He reminds me a lot of a situation that happened to me a bunch of years ago. One of S25 (then perhaps 15 or 16) had a friend who he said had a troubled home situation, who had a history of couch surfing who needed a place. He made the choice that this friend could stay in his room for a short while while he sorted things out. My wife and I agreed - somewhat reluctantly at least on my part. S25 was very determined to help his friend.
Kid moves in, sleeps on a mat on the floor. Eats our food, sits on the couch, doesn't offer to help around the house at all, doesn't show any appreciation for his rescue. A week goes by. His mother comes for a visit. They get along fabulously. I hear them talking about moving more of his stuff in and how they will be managing holidays (this was in late fall).
Kid starts inviting other friends over to the house including S25's GF who vanished up to the bedroom (presumably innocently) for some time. I start researching support services for young teens since this kid is obviously not looking for any of the "help" he claimed to S25 that he needed.
A few more days and I confront S25 and tell him that his friend needs to contact one of these social agencies to get the proper support that he needs and has 1 week to do so and get his act together.
Kid moves back home with his mom. They open a pizza restaurant together.
Fast forward a few more years and this kid is now dating 20S. He's still "moody and troubled". 20S does all the work around the house they're renting for him AND his younger brother who also "has trouble with his mother". 20S finds out that the kid has been cheating on her all along AND has given her an STD and eventually bails.
Yeah - so I am being rather cautious about this. And have already stated that under no circumstances is he moving in here. He has a place with his over-protective mother.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Back to the grind. Off to the corporate office today. It's been about 2 weeks since I was in the office regularly with a combination of vacation and then being sick after.
S and S13 headed back to the apartment after dinner. It was weird going to bed without her and waking up alone. Given her alcohol alergy I don't have anything to drink around her but enjoyed a couple of beer as I cleaned up the kitchen before bed. A third was mostly poured down the drain as I decided I didn't want it and was done in the kitchen anyway. We've more or less spent the last 2 weeks together so it's both nice and not nice to be alone again.
I do think that S25 was happy to see the back of them. He's polite but having others in the house is something he's not used to at all. In the first few days he was around, actually more than usual but the last couple of days he spent mostly in his room which is his common thing when it's just him and I. I dunno - probably reading more into this than there is.
S heard from her STBX on the weekend. General divorce logistics stuff for the most part and she said that he had asked if she had any single friends she could introduce him to
I did manage to get a "once-through" of the house cleaning done plus a couple of decent walks around the village. S spent some time looking up wedding venues and happily pinning away on Pinterest. I think we're largely in agreement on the idea of a small venue and guest list in a rural / natural environment. The inn we stayed at in the fall looks like a prime choice.
Even though it will be a struggle for her, S and I think that she's well enough now to be able to manage much of the day-to-day stuff. We'll see. I told her that if she's struggling to let me know and I'd be there to help. She may well have gone to bed with her socks on - bending over sends her back into spasms still. It's a hit in the budget for her, but she's lost the last few shifts at the cafe due first to the vacation and now due to her back. We went there on Sunday for brunch and it was obvious to everyone that she still has a ways to go.
This is the first episode she's had in a year. It came after a period where she didn't get out and be active that included a long drive to the water park, bouncing around there and then she did some re-arranging in her apartment. So - certainly over-doing things.
Well - time to head off for my day. I have a meeting with a financial planner that the company provides us access to once a year and will hear what my bonus will be. I do know that it's going to be modest as it's been a tough year with the corporate reorganization and a down-turn in some of our resin business.
Have a good one all!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The talk about triggers from bttrfly's thread prompts me to post about something that I've been having difficulty working through.
One of S's issues with her prior relationships is that she didn't feel that her opinion mattered nor that she was "heard". She said that her partners would claim to listen to what she had to say and then go ahead with whatever they wanted without regard to her opinions. If she thought she had a clear path to her own choices such as picking decorating she would be derided and belittled if she actually followed through with it. This is one of the things that she's been working through in therapy I believe.
In my own marriage in many ways I also felt that I never had a voice on what we did or how it was done. I provided a paycheque, lifted things down from high shelves and opened jars. My ex decided where we went on vacation, how we decorated, where and when we would go out and with who etc etc. If I expressed an opinion that in any way conflicted with her's I would be verbally slapped down and told that I was an idiot and had no idea what I was talking about, even on topics that I knew well. It's rather nice to not have that even if at times, especially with things like decorating, I'm completely at a loss as to what to do.
Thus far S at first reluctantly and then more confidently has been calling me out when I seem to not be listening to her or asking her input on decisions. She's right in some of the cases. I'm used to living alone and making decisions without regard to others. I thank her for doing that because it's important that both of us have a voice and that both voices are heard. That's probably why she's feeling more confident about doing it.
At the same time, it's feeling like my own opinions are being minimized and that we're not being collaborative. We've talked about this some, most recently agreeing that we need to be more clear to the other person on when we actually are making our wants known.
Even though it's good that she's finding her voice, at times it does feel like I'm being scolded or chastised and that makes me feel "less than". Echos of how I felt I was being treated in my marriage. Triggers if you will. I do know that if this isn't dealt with and both voices get heard equally it could lead me down the path that I lived on for many years in my own marriage.
Not easy stuff and I'm not sure how best to go about it. Exploring my thoughts here is one of the steps to take to organize my own thoughts. I find writing things down helps me a lot in that. Talking openly together about it is the first start though. I hope and expect that a combination of her finding her voice and my own timidity is creating some of this uneasy dynamic.
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As a humorous aside I had to talk to S about S13 making comparisons between me and her STBX. It seems that I'm much slimmer, younger and have much better personal hygiene. I asked her to mention to him that it's not a contest. S13 was also confused when he over-heard us talking about budgets on how combined we would have more disposable income than living separately in separate households. It's good that he's interested in this IMO and I try to answer any of his questions seriously.
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The weekend should be good. There's a bridal show that S and I would like to go to to get some ideas for planning. She's kid free as S13 will be with his Dad and S17 is on a plane heading out with his sister to visit their uncle. Since this leaves the critters at the apartment without a care-giver I'm planning on overnighting there on Saturday.
Maybe we'll make a blanket fort, get some snacks and talk etc. Her back is feeling a lot better even if she has a ways to go for full mobility. My own cold / flu / whatever seems to be pretty much gone except for a slight cough which is good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Not easy stuff and I'm not sure how best to go about it. Exploring my thoughts here is one of the steps to take to organize my own thoughts. I find writing things down helps me a lot in that. Talking openly together about it is the first start though. I hope and expect that a combination of her finding her voice and my own timidity is creating some of this uneasy dynamic.
Andrew,
You need to get a copy of my new book, "Pepper Spray: How to quickly and easily resolve marital and relationship issues."
I about fell off my chair laughing at your response to Andrew...pepper spray??? I can just see Andrew with that can of pepper spray to help "clear" the air in talking openly w/S and vice versa!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
