He is not in a place to hear that other than - telling his friends she realized what she lost the minute I was gone out the door.
I just keep looking at the cascade of events that got us here. Just a simple shift in the dynamics... rather than just a hey baby txt... a txt telling him about my desire to a bike ride when the weather was nicer.. a txt saying I couldn't wait to see him in the morning. Seriously all the things I was thinking but not communicating.
If I say those things now he just thinks I'm saying anything to keep him. He has said why didn't I do that 4 months ago?
I wish I knew.
I'm human.
I think he was sincere the other day when he said he was sorry for hurting me. He has been hurting for a long time.
Just remember. He has a lot of culpability in this two. He is once divorced, has BD'd you twice. He has some things he needs to work on and deal with. My guess is he suffers from some level of NGS ("I am a nice guy, I deserve sex, affection, money, etc.") HE also seems to be an avoider. This is all reasons he needs IC. And you need to make that a requirement to R. Are you strong enough to give him requirements IF he decides to stay?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just remember. He has a lot of culpability in this two. He is once divorced, has BD'd you twice. He has some things he needs to work on and deal with. My guess is he suffers from some level of NGS ("I am a nice guy, I deserve sex, affection, money, etc.") HE also seems to be an avoider. This is all reasons he needs IC. And you need to make that a requirement to R. Are you strong enough to give him requirements IF he decides to stay?
He warned me he wasn't getting what he needed. I scheduled a date night... he fell asleep. I had cleared two mornings to give him 100% of my attention and just turned out those same two mornings he planned to stop by his parents house.
I could say a hundred I'm sorries... I could act as if to till the end of time.
He is done with me, this commute, this marriage. He is thinking logically. That how many times do you burn your hand before you stop putting it in the flame.
I know his words have been all over the place. Everytime I leave him be and give him peace he comes back and ramps things up - 1st just S, then its just D.
When he first BD he stated that the marriage could not be mended if he continued to live with me (ie the commute and living where he hates), then he said when he first brought up 2yr S he stated if he changed his mind and wanted things with me again I would be coming to him (in his new place near work).
The later might seem a bit of an AHole thing to do but frankly I had agreed to move one S18 was out of school. And I have already told him I owe him the move. He sacrificed for years and now it was my turn.
Like I said... the further out we get there is more movement away than toward. He stated he took S off the table because he didn't want me to think he was dangling it like a carrot over my head in regards to D.
I have been the avoider... he talks about the future and I listen... he talks about retirement and I listen... he made calls for a fishing trip during our up coming trip and I listened. I think he took my passivity to mean I wasn't interested. I'm just so busy in the here and now.. he was looking to dream and felt I wasn't joining in? I don't know.
I could list a thousand reasons I didn't do what my H needed to me to do.
He is no saint or angel but I have always felt nothing other than love and loyalty to him.
You are human and we all make mistakes each and every day. However, it is what we learn from those mistakes which helps us, strengthens us, in our daily lives.
Sure, there have been a number of mistakes made in the relationship, but from what you've posted, he's not met you half way at all. It's more like he continues to find fault w/you and yet, he's the one that has unresolved issues from his last marriage that haven't been thoroughly looked at by him. If a person jumps from one relationship and hasn't resolved those issues as to why they left the last one, they will carry those same issues into a new relationship and that may be what he's done here.
Why do you continue to take on all of the blame? You aren't the one that is throwing in the towel here. Your self-esteem and self respect have been torn down and you need to find your way out of that rabbit hole of negativity. Sure, you've made mistakes, but my goodness, they are the past and you can't change the past. The present is a gift and one that you need to focus on right this very day. What can you do for yourself that will make the day a bit more pleasant for you? Find something to smile about even if it is just enjoying a good book. The future is not ours to predict and it will reveal itself when the time is right.
You trusted the system before...can you trust it again? Release him from your mind and allow the man upstairs to work on him. You need to focus on you and your son and please, please stop beating yourself up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been here for a long time. If you keep your posts here focused on your H you will loose any chance of attracting him back.
Change the focus of your posts to you and your changes. Be specific. You can talk about the new ways you are interacting and how his behavior changes, if needed, but it should all be about you and your happiness.
Just think about this : Do you know anything about my X wife? Do I know anything about your man? We want to know more about you and your growth.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
KC, Why do you continue to take on all of the blame? You aren't the one that is throwing in the towel here. Your self-esteem and self respect have been torn down and you need to find your way out of that rabbit hole of negativity. Sure, you've made mistakes, but my goodness, they are the past and you can't change the past. The present is a gift and one that you need to focus on right this very day. What can you do for yourself that will make the day a bit more pleasant for you? Find something to smile about even if it is just enjoying a good book. The future is not ours to predict and it will reveal itself when the time is right.
I am not the one throwing in the towel.
He went and got a puppy. That he hasn't been here to help out with. At the very least coordinate schedules to help get the puppy out and exercised.
He is not coming home repeatedly. I have not texted or called. He drove 2hr last night to take a shower here. Wouldn't make eye contact but was talking to me and asking questions. He volunteered that was working this weekend but didn't know if it was 8 or 12. Didn't know about Sunday.
I haven't once asked about his where abouts. So why tell me you are working? You could easily just be out partying all weekend. What would I know. Either way I cannot contact you at all.
You apparently come and go as you please.
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You trusted the system before...can you trust it again? Release him from your mind and allow the man upstairs to work on him. You need to focus on you and your son and please, please stop beating yourself up.
Its a struggle because every time I see him there is something different he wants to offer... sliding more to D.
I will admit he ultimately nice on Wednesday. It was nice that he was asking where I was. It was nice that I was telling him I needed to go and he kept trying to talk. We ended Wednesday on a nice note. The only conflict was when he said it was up to me what we do and I said S... do offer if you are not going to like my answer. Outside of that everything was fine.
He even agreed to deal with the fence people. Prior to that he wanted nothing to do with it.
I'm not dealing with the not coming home stuff - being unpredictable. He didn't sleep here yesterday and not today. Is that because he did not get sleep here on Wendesday??? THAT had nothing to do with me. The Atty phone call woke him up. He went back to bed - several times. I didn't bother him.
I have been here for a long time. If you keep your posts here focused on your H you will loose any chance of attracting him back.
Change the focus of your posts to you and your changes. Be specific. You can talk about the new ways you are interacting and how his behavior changes, if needed, but it should all be about you and your happiness.
Just think about this : Do you know anything about my X wife? Do I know anything about your man? We want to know more about you and your growth.
I am going to get off work a little late. Head home and work out... I don't like working out in public so I have exercise equipment at home. That just makes the loneliness worse. S18 is very busy with school, work, and clubs.
I have plans for lunch tomorrow with family. I will do my best to smile. Questions about H will be tough.
I will try to leave the house each day but since H isn't helping with the dogs I'm limited on what to do and when to be gone.
H posted a meme on FB Find someone who is proud to have you, scared to lose you, fights for you, appreciates you, respects you, cares for you, and loves you unconditionally.
I'M THAT PERSON. If I didn't let you know how proud I was of you that is on me. I am scared to lose you. I am fighitng for you... it's just that my calls/texts were by your own words pushing you away so I stopped. I haven't contacted you for days. I do appreciate you. I do respect you - you are the hardest working man I know, the most helpful when something breaks, you are strong. I do love you unconditionally - I love that you hunt and fish, motorbikes make me nervous but you look so hot on one. What conditions do you feel my love has?
Then the only comment is a GIF of a woman sitting in a chair raising her arms over her head and pointing at herself... ie.. "ME". Its from the one woman I was worried about. The woman from NYE that I later asked him about in apparently a tone and body language that sounded accusative.
Husband didn't come home yesterday so apparently he found another place to shower.
So if this my proof of AP?
When he drove 2hr for a shower that night there were tons of posts on her page about how she "when a King meets his Queen", about how "she found her person"... then "the biggest rule in a relationship is no matter how mad you are at your partner, you do not go and seek someone else's atttention. You sit your ass there and make it right. Because that's your person. If you can easily go to someone else, you do not love the person you are with"
WTH^^^ He is still married to me. We have filed NOTHING. One minute I get the impression she is going through something and my H is just being a friend but then ALL the posts on the 20th sound like she is going after mine.
Oh sure, I believe he told her the M was over 2yr ago or something so this is fine... but its NOT fine. He is still currently my H.
AND, how do I sit on this??? Do I ask him??? Do I just wait until the time comes that he will tell me.
It is NOT my nature to sit on this. Normally I would have already called the minute I would have seen. So far I just called my mother. I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.
He wants someone to fight for him???? How do I fight for my H???
