Still struggling with the new furniture decision. If we take the new furniture (keeping this vague for discretion), it will cause him to move his sleeping area to the basement and/or buy a bed to sleep on in the basement. I'm not sure if I should just decline the new hand me down furniture at the time to avoid this issue (though it would be nice to have it in the long term and he has expressed it will be nice to have as well). He keeps putting the decision on me... "Whatever you want in there." One of his BD complaints was that I made too many decisions about the house he wasn't okay with (though he would consent at the time) For example, we needed to have our deck repaired because it was overdue and a safety issue. I have a family member who does that sort of work so brought him over for an estimate. My H said he couldn't afford to pay for it (we've always kept separate bank accounts and just split the bills) so I would have to pay for it myself if I wanted to move forward with the repair and so I did. A few months later, he claims I disregarded his opinion on this repair. (Side note, H has a lot of school debt and financial insecurity/anxiety and I make a good amount more $ than he does) He also has gotten into a few bad situations by neglecting car repairs, payments, etc, so I'm generally the person in the M who takes the lead on bills and house repairs. I've always felt like one of us needed to step up, so I've just done it myself.
So with him constantly telling me any decision about the house is for me to make is almost like he's pulling the 180/giving up on having an opinion since he's giving up on our M??? Any thoughts on this?
I'm working on setting up social get togethers with more friends, just not always easy to do when they want to bring their husbands and I don't! I have confided in a few close friends what's going on with my H, but I feel uncomfortable when couple friends suggest doing something all together becuase from the outside, things look normal and we appear to be a happily married couple with a beautiful little baby!
I do hate leaving the baby to go out but if I can time it for after her beditme so H is just sitting at home alone with her asleep, even better!
I wouldn't worry about not bringing your H along-- just go ahead, make the plans, and make an excuse about his absence (working/sick/whatever). I've often found in those situations it ends up getting grouped into the dads in one convo and the moms in another, so it won't really matter all that much that he isn't there. And/or, go ahead and suggest a moms-only night! I guarantee you all the moms will go for it... especially if it is after the babies are in bed!!
Originally Posted by Rosy10
I do think he's had/having an EA even if he doesn't consider it to be an A. I do not think he's having a PA. He has just been so forthcoming with his reasons to leave me and telling me ILYB/I don't love you that way anymore that I think he would have mentioned a PA as another reason to separate. I could be wrong though!
This was where I was for a long, long time... He didn't even tell me ILYB until more than a year into it (though was acting like a giant a-hole), four months after ILYB confessed to an EA and said he wasn't talking to her anymore... and I would have sworn there was NO WAY there was a PA because we both *knew* that I'd immediately kick him out (ah, principles ) and I figured he wanted out so badly he would just tell me if it were true. Anyway, as you probably know it turns out he'd been in a PA for 2 years and didn't find out until about six weeks ago. This board was really helpful for me in seeing the possibility of all of this. I'd just be open to the possibility if I were you so you aren't blindsided if it happens to be true.
Finally, on the furniture-- how badly do you need/want it? My suggestion would be if you really, really want it, then do it... but otherwise passing on the furniture now to relieve pressure on your H to move to the basement is probably not all that big of a loss. I mean, do you want your H to move to the basement? If you do then accepting the furniture seems like a good move, but if you don't I wouldn't take it. Or could you put the furniture in the basement if you absolutely need to take it?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
This was where I was for a long, long time... He didn't even tell me ILYB until more than a year into it (though was acting like a giant a-hole), four months after ILYB confessed to an EA and said he wasn't talking to her anymore... and I would have sworn there was NO WAY there was a PA because we both *knew* that I'd immediately kick him out (ah, principles ) and I figured he wanted out so badly he would just tell me if it were true. Anyway, as you probably know it turns out he'd been in a PA for 2 years and didn't find out until about six weeks ago. This board was really helpful for me in seeing the possibility of all of this. I'd just be open to the possibility if I were you so you aren't blindsided if it happens to be true.
Good point, May. Can never say never and he's not his usual self right now or the person I married really so I can't be sure he isn't having a PA. The mutual friends I've confided in have also asked me if I thought he was having an A since his behavior is indicative of one, and they've known him longer than I have. In some ways, since he's told me he doesn't love me anymore romantically and wants to S, it's almost like I feel like it can't get any worse and my feelings can't be hurt any more.
Originally Posted by may22
Finally, on the furniture-- how badly do you need/want it? My suggestion would be if you really, really want it, then do it... but otherwise passing on the furniture now to relieve pressure on your H to move to the basement is probably not all that big of a loss. I mean, do you want your H to move to the basement? If you do then accepting the furniture seems like a good move, but if you don't I wouldn't take it. Or could you put the furniture in the basement if you absolutely need to take it?
I suppose it's safe to elaborate...it's a piano that we both want for our D to play as she gets older. So it's something we'd have to pay to move and it would stay in it's designated spot in the house once moved in and can only go in certain places. He's expressed he wants us to have it but keeps telling me it's ultimately my decision since he's telling me the house is mine now. Eye roll.
In some ways, since he's told me he doesn't love me anymore romantically and wants to S, it's almost like I feel like it can't get any worse and my feelings can't be hurt any more.
If you feel this way then I think you can just keep doing what you're doing. I might just recommend thinking through what happens if you find out more.
On the piano... I don't know if this is the case where you live, but I know in a lot of places people are getting rid of pianos and actually can't sell them so have to pay to haul them off to the dump. Which is then very sad because most people have all sorts of memories with their pianos, etc. Anyway... unless it is a family heirloom or a Steinway or something, your baby won't be ready to play for several more years and a lot can change in that time-- you might move, other pianos might come available... I might recommend just looking on Craigslist or something to get a sense of how easy it might be to get another piano at some point in the future. I just don't know, if I were you, that I'd want something like this to be what pushes your H into the basement, unless that is what you want too. (And also FWIW, we ended up getting our kids a high-end electronic piano. The touch feels exactly like a real piano, it has pedals and everything. It takes up far, far less space AND... the best part... you can control the volume and/or put in headphones! My oldest will sometimes wake up early and practice in the morning with her headphones on. it is the BEST.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
if I were you, that I'd want something like this to be what pushes your H into the basement, unless that is what you want too. (And also FWIW, we ended up getting our kids a high-end electronic piano. The touch feels exactly like a real piano, it has pedals and everything. It takes up far, far less space AND... the best part... you can control the volume and/or put in headphones! My oldest will sometimes wake up early and practice in the morning with her headphones on. it is the BEST.)
Good points. I think I’ve decided against getting the piano unless it fits into another room. Not worth the pressure on my H to buy a bed or move into the basement. He complains about being cold in the study so he’ll really be cold in the basement... And also good point about the electronic keyboard with headphones!
Was just sitting with my H and he showed me a photo on his phone as a text message notification popped up from a women who’s name I’ve never heard him mention before. Not a coworker, family member, or friend that he’s mentioned. He quickly hid the notification and became overly chatty and nice, so pretty sure she’s the likely EA partner who he may be texting and snap chatting often. I’m not even surprised and don’t feel overly upset about it.
Thinking back, he went on a business trip months ago and had a free day and mentioned meeting a group of people at a bar and touring around town with them the rest of the day. That day I didn’t hear from him for about 10 hours straight when he usually will at least text once if he’s gone to check on the baby. He was very vague about the people he met then so very well may have met a woman there.
The more I consider him having an A the more it makes sense how he’s been acting...focusing on the flaws in me and our M to validate him straying and having feelings about someone else. My brother also happens to just have finalized a divorce and his ex cheated on him. My H has said multiple times that my family “can’t be mad at [her] for falling out of love with my brother” which I thought was just because he feels he fell out of love with me but now perhaps he’s defending her having an A which makes more sense.
Was just sitting with my H and he showed me a photo on his phone as a text message notification popped up from a women who’s name I’ve never heard him mention before. Not a coworker, family member, or friend that he’s mentioned. He quickly hid the notification and became overly chatty and nice, so pretty sure she’s the likely EA partner who he may be texting and snap chatting often. I’m not even surprised and don’t feel overly upset about it.
Thinking back, he went on a business trip months ago and had a free day and mentioned meeting a group of people at a bar and touring around town with them the rest of the day. That day I didn’t hear from him for about 10 hours straight when he usually will at least text once if he’s gone to check on the baby. He was very vague about the people he met then so very well may have met a woman there.
The more I consider him having an A the more it makes sense how he’s been acting...focusing on the flaws in me and our M to validate him straying and having feelings about someone else. My brother also happens to just have finalized a divorce and his ex cheated on him. My H has said multiple times that my family “can’t be mad at [her] for falling out of love with my brother” which I thought was just because he feels he fell out of love with me but now perhaps he’s defending her having an A which makes more sense.
First, I am so sorry you are dealing with it. I have been there. I didn't suspect it for a while because I was sure my husband could never do that, and also he hid it so well. He went from an EA to a PA (he "doesn't know how that happened" and was "so surprised").
But during that time I could do very little right. He was always magnifying my faults and how I always do this or that. Any anger he had toward himself was projected onto me. My self-esteem took a beating.
There is a book MWD quotes in her "Healing from Infidelity" book. It's called "Not Just Friends" and details how this happens and what his thought process is. Remember, while we all have to own what we contribute to a marriage, an A is not about you. It's about him. And the fantasy of who he is when he is with someone that doesn't know what he's like to live with.
Following the advice in MWD's books and these threads can help so much. Focus on yourself. Detach. It will come to your aid no matter what happens down the road.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
There is a book MWD quotes in her "Healing from Infidelity" book. It's called "Not Just Friends" and details how this happens and what his thought process is. Remember, while we all have to own what we contribute to a marriage, an A is not about you. It's about him. And the fantasy of who he is when he is with someone that doesn't know what he's like to live with.
Following the advice in MWD's books and these threads can help so much. Focus on yourself. Detach. It will come to your aid no matter what happens down the road.
Thank you, oceangrl. I'm going to check out that book. I'm finding self help books to be a good crutch right now. I'm hoping my lack of reaction is a sign that I am detaching properly.
Journaling... Found myself getting frustrated yesterday and was having trouble remaining upbeat around H. Our life is pretty much unchanged minus him sleeping in the study. Every day we take care of the baby, eat dinner together, often will spend the evenings watching TV together (although I'm working on doing my own thing at night instead based on what I feel like doing). I often feel like my situation isn't as "active" as others on this site. I wonder if the lack of our change in pace other than not sleeping together is him being unsure if he really wants to S or if he just can't afford it right now so he feels like an in house S is the best he can do. ~8 months ago he was spending more time away from me. I don't want to live like this for years but he's never been one to take much initiative so I have a hard time picturing him filing and moving out on his own. Or maybe he's just hoping I'll get so fed up with him taking up the study with the ugly pull out couch constantly being out that I'll ask him to get it over with and leave???
I feel like I'm detaching to the point where I feel like I will be fine if he does leave me, my concerns are around my baby and upsetting my family (at this point they don't have any idea and are very fond of H).
The other day, we were discussing an annual music festival we've attended multiple years in the past which is featuring a few bands he likes this summer. I made a reference to him likely wanting to go and his response was "Well how would we go?" referring to my breastfeeding situation. My immediate thought was, "I was thinking you could go alone...." When he makes comments like that referring to things we'll do together in the future, it makes me pause becuase I'd think if he wants a S he'd be thinking of doing more WITHOUT me.
Need some advice if anyone has some to share... we have to make some household repairs in the next few weeks and my H keeps telling me everything is *my* decision to make. This is a point of contention since part of his BD was stating that I made too many decisions and didn't consider his opinion (rewriting of history there)
What should I say when he tells me he feels like I should make all the calls with the house? I'm trying to validate, i.e. "I understand why you feel that way but would still like your opinion".
) and I figured he wanted out so badly he would just tell me if it were true. Anyway, as you probably know it turns out he'd been in a PA for 2 years and didn't find out until about six weeks ago. This board was really helpful for me in seeing the possibility of all of this. I'd just be open to the possibility if I were you so you aren't blindsided if it happens to be true.