Update... met up with WW last night and spoke for 5+ hours.
I was pretty surgical, so not a lot of emotion from my end. She just said that she had a lot of time to think, and she recognizes the value I bring to the relationship more so than the affection that she was seeking, and expressed that she would like to either move back or work on the relationship. I pretty much confronted her on living with OM, and said that I don't see a path back at this point. Maybe years down the road after we both move on, clean break, and date other people. I think she was a bit shocked and holding back tears, and saying that this will be one of her biggest regret in life.
I ended up asking for the home keys back from her, so she can't just drop in and out. Discussed how/what assets will need to be split up, and she asked that I put together some numbers.
It's a bit of bitter sweet... because even yesterday, we can talk and laugh about so many things. But honestly, now that I am detached, I can't envision being intimate physically and emotionally with her again. Whenever I do envision reconciliation, I just see her struggling with a clean no contact with OM and more of the same lies again.
I did grab food and drinks with her after, and dropped her off at OM's place since it was like 1 am at that point. I know it's a chump move, but I'm done DB'ing, so she can think of me however she likes. She did drunk text me 2 am about still staying over?
In summary, DB'ing works at least up to this point. Unfortunately, I won't be able to provide any future insights into how real her turnaround is, or how reconciliation and piecing works.
Funny how often that happens. The by the time the WAW wants to come back to the marriage, the other spouse is just done, and wants nothing to do with them. Some actually do come full circle, as I did oh, so I would urge you to keep an open mind, and heart, in case she ever does turn back and goes back to resembling the girl you fell in love with. Either way, keep up with your self-improvement and GALs, I'm glad to hear that you are moving forward!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Not sure if I'm hung over, and/or dealing with the emotional repercussions of the conversation, but I do feel a little down today.
There's always a 1% left in my mind and heart, and I don't expect that to go away completely, or wait for absolute 0%. But I know I don't want to deal with someone jumping back and forth from one person to the next. After reading and learning about healthy relationships, I want to be with someone who's done the work to be independent and happy with themselves before engaging in relationship again.
I'll continue to read books to learn about myself and improve myself emotionally. I'm starting to realize that I have fear of intimacy / vulnerability issues, and that's something I need to figure out for future relationships.
HI EVERYONE - Yes, I'm still alive! Hope everyone is well! I miss everyone here.
My goal coming into the new year 2020 was to move on and not dwell on my situation every day and be able to truly detach, so I have been focusing on work and real life rather than spending my time on the board.
Status update...
I'm currently moving forward with the refinance of the home to my name only, so I can buy out my WW (STBXW at this point).
We are still amicable. She claims that I gave up on the relationship. I just laugh and remind her that she's moved in and is still living with OM.
On a more interesting note...
I've been learning more deeply about Myers Briggs (MBTI) in hopes of understanding myself and other future potential partners better, and tested that I am an INTJ. It's surprising how accurate some of the descriptions are in how I am in relationships as well as my strengths and weaknesses.
I asked my WW about it, and she said that she tested ENTJ before. I think both of us were very similar - cold and logical (not emotional) in relationships, but we both had emotional needs that the others were not able to provide each other aside from the shared activities that we had.
I strongly suggest that every couple take the MBTI questionnaires to understand themselves and their partner better. It can help fill in some of the gaps, along with other relationship theories such as 5 Love Languages, etc.
Steve85 - MBTI is just another system to better understand yourself and each other. Complete opposite of ESTJ would be INFP.
There are some good resources on this... 16Personalities and PersonalityHacker. Read about yourself and see if you think it's accurate description of yourself in relationships and work place. It's good to understand your own strength / weakness, so that you can become more mature and improve in those areas.
For me being INTJ... I am a thinker, and not a feeler. Any emotions I feel, I tend to want to be able to logically explain it or dismiss it. In relationships, I'm not very warn and affectionate, but I will pay close attention and remember things that you may like or need, and demonstrate it thru acts of service or gifts. So I have to work on being in touch with my feeling more, and being more in the moment rather than in my head.
I recently spoke to someone who is an ENFP... she is a feeler. If you talk to her about dates she's been on, she just tells you that most of them had no feeling, but she can't tell you logically why it was the case. I wanted to tell her that feelings can often be wrong, and that she should be more logical. But once I learned more about ENFP, I came to the realization that people are just different, and I should just understand and appreciate her.
