I hope you are making a crazy quotes hall of fame so when/if he ever comes out of this you can make a t-shirt out of it and wear it to bed whenever you feel like it.
I wanted to say that it seems like you've come such a long way just this week... I feel like you were just thinking about inviting him to valentine's day dinner to talk? and now you're really stepping back and assessing the situation and his behavior and not letting yourself get caught up in the craziness. That is incredible and you should be really proud. No matter what happens, you will always know that you handled yourself through all of this with grace, dignity, and love.
Hoping you have the chance to do something just for you this weekend. Sending love!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I think reading here and being prepared for the craziness helped A LOT. Because many things do happen by the book. So it allows me to detach and not think my sitch is anything special, because I’ve read crazier things here!!
I agree you handled that craziness so well, wooba! What you're saying here reminds me that one of the most zen moments in the last eight months for me was when my H started yelling for the first time since BD and spouting lines, word for word, that I'd read here or in DR or in various other MLC articles. I think seeing things happen "by the book" allowed me to level-up in terms of detachment... and then maybe I've plateaued since then. Ha.
Originally Posted by wooba
Oh, and I need to share this. When I deny that I ever said that I’m looking for a man, he told me to stop acting like TRUMP with the alternative facts!!! This one will go into my H’s crazy quotes hall of fame.
Thank you for sharing that gem! Wow. Sometimes all you can do is laugh. Wooba, I hope you are showing yourself some love today. Sending hugs!
Wooba, your H's fixation on you seeing someone else is his projection of his own affair. I didn't catch it first time through, but it's pretty common on most threads here. So no need to sit there and ask "Am I crazy? Did I say something once upon a time about that?". Likely you didn't.
Gaslighting at it's finest. I'm not sure that H (or anyone in an A) is actively TRYING to make their LBS feel crazy. I don't think it's the active plan in their mind. But they do. By projecting their own guilt and accusing US of being the unfaithful ones.
My personal (non) favorite is the telling us that we will be better off without them. I mean, we will of course be fine. I am fine. My life is quite full and wonderful. But it was invaliding of my feelings to be told by XW that I would be better without her, or that "this is for the best". I realize now part of what makes those sentences hurt so much isn't about being left, but about not being heard by the person who claims to know us best and have our back.
Wooba, your H's fixation on you seeing someone else is his projection of his own affair. I didn't catch it first time through, but it's pretty common on most threads here. So no need to sit there and ask "Am I crazy? Did I say something once upon a time about that?". Likely you didn't.
I definitely thought about this too.
Last summer we were on vacation and stayed with my friend’s family. My S2 kept counting his money everyday, so finally I asked him, “Don’t you already know how much you have? Why do you need to count it everyday?” And he said, “I wanna make sure no one stole any!!!” I said to him don’t be silly, no one here would steal your money. He would even sit on his wallet when he’s eating lol. One day he was counting his money again, and I looked at his pile and said, “How come you seem to have more than before? I haven’t give you anymore allowance recently.” That’s when I found out that HE had stolen from the change jar in the house. The reason he was so paranoid this whole time of people stealing his money was because he stole!!!
So I’m definitely not ruling it out - my H’s paranoia about me seeing someone else is probably because HE’s seeing someone else. Do I say that to him though? “Are you paranoid about me because of you have someone else?” I’m thinking no, probably keep that thought to myself? I have no proof of anything. Nor would I try to find proof anyway.
Originally Posted by Yail
Gaslighting at it's finest. I'm not sure that H (or anyone in an A) is actively TRYING to make their LBS feel crazy. I don't think it's the active plan in their mind. But they do. By projecting their own guilt and accusing US of being the unfaithful ones.
I try to keep this in mind most of the time now when I speak to H. I am not crazy I am not crazy I am not crazy.
Originally Posted by Yail
My personal (non) favorite is the telling us that we will be better off without them. I mean, we will of course be fine. I am fine. My life is quite full and wonderful. But it was invaliding of my feelings to be told by XW that I would be better without her, or that "this is for the best". I realize now part of what makes those sentences hurt so much isn't about being left, but about not being heard by the person who claims to know us best and have our back.
I’m not sure how to feel about it when H says this. I mostly feel sorry for him. I’m not really hurt by it. It’s almost like- aw it’s sweet that you’re being considerate of me, thinking on my behalf based on all the wrong calculations.
I think he means it because he knows that he had been bringing all these negative energy into our lives. But at the same time- geez what do you know about what’s best for me? Don’t pretend for a second that you really are trying to do what’s best for me. Because you are selfish.
Sorry if that was hard to read. When I say “you” it’s directed at my H.
According to H, he and MIL had a big fight about money over the phone.
A bit of background: H and MIL have always had a volatile relationship. There is a huge unresolved issue/thing between them regarding H’s childhood trauma. But H chooses not to address it because he thinks it would be pointless. His parents would not be intelligent enough to process what happened in the past and it will only hurt them. But there is a lot of anger from H when MIL says/does something nonsensical (which happens often enough...). The pattern has always been that emotions get blown up, they argue over the phone, one of them hangs up, not talk for x days/weeks, and H will simmer down and call MIL back to reconcile. Oh yes....and throughout all this I’ve always been the “fixer,” trying to get him to repair his relationship with his mom.
So this time, long story short- H has been giving her spending cash regularly for the past year. I know about this and do not object. She is not struggling financially, she just likes receiving cash. H would hand her some cash here and there when we go visit. Mostly to appease her, and also to ease his guilt for not wanting to spend a lot of time with his parents.
Few days ago she outright told H that he didn’t give her enough the last time he was there. So H was furious and said to her “have I not given you enough over the past few months??” And one of them hung up the phone. So they haven’t talked for a few days.
Today H was telling me that he wish she would just die. Horrible I know, and it’s not the first time he’s said it. I didn’t say anything until I slipped into fixer mode and said, “well...have some compassion...she is going through a rough time too.” Which he cut me off and screamed “F compassion!!!!”. It startled me and kept my heart bumping for a few mins. So I immediately stopped engaging and went back to reading my book. And then he tried to salvage the situation by changing the subject and making small talk.
Anyway, my Q is - should I contact MIL? Before I would call and check up on her just making sure she’s feeling okay. She has been good to me...even though the money thing is crazy talk, I don’t hold it against her. I think she feels lonely because since BD I haven’t called her to chat, and we haven’t been visiting her much either. H is telling me no. Don’t contact her. I sort of want to reach out but at the same time I don’t want to get involved in their crazy fight. Now typing it out maybe I’ve found my answer.....I should just stay out of it. Trying to picture what my relationship would be like with my in-laws we’re divorced. Probably exactly like this...no calling, minimal visiting.
I talk to my D's paternal grandparents far more that I ever speak with her actual dad. Her paternal grandmother and I text often. She spends a lot of time with them. I don't know that you'll know exactly what the relationship will look like in the future yet. That being said I wouldn't get in the middle of the fight either. I would stay out of it but I don't think asking if she is ok is getting in the middle of it. If you can just leave it as an actual check in and not offer an opinion or a solution I don't see the harm. If she's the type that will rope you into picking sides, I would definitely leave it no matter what.
Yeah, I don't know that I'd reach out to the MIL right now. Better to do it in a neutral position when they aren't in a big tiff. You probably aren't the right person to support her right now and I can't see that it would be helpful for either your R with her in the long term or your R with him.
Also, you are not crazy. (They sound a little dysfunctional though.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks may and wayfarer for your input. I will do nothing.
I’ve been talking about H too much. Doing a bit of retrospect here.
It’s been around 6 months since BD: “Let’s take a step back” were the exact words. Since then multiple occasions of mentioning the possibility of D from H, and twice he said he wants to D.
I’ve come a long way. My fear of D is mostly gone. It still makes me a bit nervous, but it’s not a road I want to run from anymore. I’m still trying to center my feelings toward H as detached with compassion. I have a lot of pity for him. He’s a self-destructive man with a traumatic past. I wish he would wake up more for his own sake than to R.
I still mourn the lost of the immense love I had for him. The pain reminds me that I’m human, no matter how detached I think I am, these feeling still creep up sometimes. Like grieving a death. I’m GALing, yet the minute my mind has an empty spot, it is immediately filled with thoughts about the state of our M. My life is mostly sunshine, along with this melancholy I can’t shake off. Right now I’m tapping into that part of me- it pulls me back to the reality. I feel like when I’m feeling too detached, too lighthearted, too “not-giving-a-damn”, is when I need to check myself and examine my wounds. Have I healed as much as I thought I have? Am I keeping up a front or do I really feel this way? Sometimes being self-aware is exhausting.
The kids are doing well. They miss having daddy around. I wonder if they remembered all the yelling from H when he was around and was always in his funk. In the beginning of this, every little tantrum made me nervous. “Is S acting out because daddy is not around??” “Is he having a meltdown because he has hidden anger about mom and daddy possibly divorcing??” Now I think it’s just normal kids stuff. They fight, they get mad, they cry, mostly for things that are wayyyy insignificant than what’s happening to mommy and daddy. It has been better for all of us that H is not here most of the time, and will usually only stay around when his mind is in a relatively good place.
Do I give it another 6 months? I don’t know....still taking it one day at a time. All I know is I’m not in a hurry. I’ll let the pieces fall where they may....
Thanks may and wayfarer for your input. I will do nothing.
I’ve been talking about H too much. Doing a bit of retrospect here.
It’s been around 6 months since BD: “Let’s take a step back” were the exact words. Since then multiple occasions of mentioning the possibility of D from H, and twice he said he wants to D.
I’ve come a long way. My fear of D is mostly gone. It still makes me a bit nervous, but it’s not a road I want to run from anymore. I’m still trying to center my feelings toward H as detached with compassion. I have a lot of pity for him. He’s a self-destructive man with a traumatic past. I wish he would wake up more for his own sake than to R.
I still mourn the lost of the immense love I had for him. The pain reminds me that I’m human, no matter how detached I think I am, these feeling still creep up sometimes. Like grieving a death. I’m GALing, yet the minute my mind has an empty spot, it is immediately filled with thoughts about the state of our M. My life is mostly sunshine, along with this melancholy I can’t shake off. Right now I’m tapping into that part of me- it pulls me back to the reality. I feel like when I’m feeling too detached, too lighthearted, too “not-giving-a-damn”, is when I need to check myself and examine my wounds. Have I healed as much as I thought I have? Am I keeping up a front or do I really feel this way? Sometimes being self-aware is exhausting.
The kids are doing well. They miss having daddy around. I wonder if they remembered all the yelling from H when he was around and was always in his funk. In the beginning of this, every little tantrum made me nervous. “Is S acting out because daddy is not around??” “Is he having a meltdown because he has hidden anger about mom and daddy possibly divorcing??” Now I think it’s just normal kids stuff. They fight, they get mad, they cry, mostly for things that are wayyyy insignificant than what’s happening to mommy and daddy. It has been better for all of us that H is not here most of the time, and will usually only stay around when his mind is in a relatively good place.
Do I give it another 6 months? I don’t know....still taking it one day at a time. All I know is I’m not in a hurry. I’ll let the pieces fall where they may....
I can relate to all of this so much. I'm sorry. This is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Reading this, I think you are doing great. You seem to have the right outlook and frame of mind. Keep doing what you are doing.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I’ve come a long way. My fear of D is mostly gone. It still makes me a bit nervous, but it’s not a road I want to run from anymore.
Was there a turning point for you when this happened, wooba, or is just something you've gradually come to realize about your feelings? I feel like I'm cycling through this, where I have moments of acceptance and knowing D is out of my control so I don't have to fear it, but that's not a constant state of mind for me yet.
Originally Posted by wooba
I still mourn the lost of the immense love I had for him. The pain reminds me that I’m human, no matter how detached I think I am, these feeling still creep up sometimes. Like grieving a death. I’m GALing, yet the minute my mind has an empty spot, it is immediately filled with thoughts about the state of our M. My life is mostly sunshine, along with this melancholy I can’t shake off. Right now I’m tapping into that part of me- it pulls me back to the reality. I feel like when I’m feeling too detached, too lighthearted, too “not-giving-a-damn”, is when I need to check myself and examine my wounds. Have I healed as much as I thought I have? Am I keeping up a front or do I really feel this way? Sometimes being self-aware is exhausting.
Yes to all of this. "The pain reminds me that I'm human...." I needed to hear that reminder. It is not something to run from, it just IS. Something to move through and let move through you. One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Somehow seeing signs of spring here—redbuds blooming, leaf buds on lilac bushes—reminds me of that too. No hurry.
Also, gosh, it seems so much chattier here than in MLC-land! Haha.
