Yep - I do crossfit, but lately I've been shuttling kids around and doing all of our annual dept training.
So, here's what happened tonight: --------------------------------------------- * We received some snow in NC and I told the WAS that I would take my son to gymnastics practice as I didn't want her driving in the snow. Told her to text if she needs anything due to the weather. * WAS **never** told the kids they were spending tonight with me, nor this weekend. That really pissed me off. She claims she did last weekend, kids both said she didn't. * D15 ended up with 2 ear infections and a sinus infection today. The WAS actually woke her up and told her to come to my house. She did, in tears, and locked herself in her room to sleep. I tried offering her tea, or a movie, or to go out and get her anything, but she wasn't having it. She hates being in this house. * I assembled some evidence for my lawyer. One item was a text transcript from a series of 50 iPhone msg photos of the WAS talking about the OM to an ex-boyfriend. Pretty graphic, but included them both telling their close friends about the encounter. She told an ex boyfriend of 22 years she was ending her marriage before she told me. I don't even have the words to describe how that made me feel. * S12 and I had tacos and watched TV. He started claiming he didn't want to stay over. I tried giving him the remote, asking him what he wanted to do this weekend....anything. He just said he wanted to stay over at mom's and, I yielded. He's a really smart kid and asked why I was forcing him to stay. I told him, son, you've stayed under my roof 4 times in the past 6 months. What you are doing is hurting me. I miss you.
Hugged him for about 2 mins before he walked out the door and had some tears when I shut it.
So I have a sick angry D15 under my roof and S12 is across the street. Tacos were epic and the snow is gone as quick as it came.
I'm trying not to be frustrated with my kids. I feel like they just don't want me in their lives. I do feel isolated right now in life - wife? gone. kids? mostly gone. I have my health, a house and 2 good jobs.
I think the 4 of us need to sit down and talk about how we are handling custody.
Wow, firemann, that sounds traumatic! I feel terrible when my son won't speak to me for even half an hour.
Originally Posted by firemann
son, you've stayed under my roof 4 times in the past 6 months. What you are doing is hurting me..
I don't think you want to guilt your children into spending time at your house.
Originally Posted by firemann
I think the 4 of us need to sit down and talk about how we are handling custody.
I don't know if you want your young kids to be and feel responsible for making that decision. It sounds like you know their feelings and what your wife is willing to give. The choice therefore falls to you.This alienation seems deeply problematic. I would strongly consider hiring a child psychologist for advice on what's best for them and how to restore yourself as their dad. It seems like there must be more behind this in their minds than seeing a random car parked in your driveway after your wife moved out, and you not coming home one of the four nights you had custody of them in the last six months. If the house is a big issue to them, it may be worth letting go, because your kids are so much more important to you than a building.
Your daughter's sick. She may not be at her most articulate or kindest just now. She's also a teenager--kinda like an alien! I hope tomorrow is a better day. Sleep helps.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't let my 12 year old son tell me what he's going to do. If it's my time with my kids, they are staying with me. No ifs, ands, or buts. I understand that this is a tough and confusing time for them, but they are just kids and don't know what is best for them. I would have explained to him that this is the way things are going to be now that you and your W are separating. Especially if you want to have more custody of them. They are just going to have to get used to it. It's going to be the new norm. I get that you don't want to make things more complicated, but I feel like you took the easy way out to avoid conflict. Your kids will come around eventually as long as you are consistent with them. Let them know that when it is your time with them, they stay with you. It's gonna be hard to have a good relationship with your kids if they are never with you. You're more than a chauffeur for getting them to and from practices. You are their father...
How would you feel if you continued to send your kids back to their mother every time they wanted to go, only to hear from them in the future that they were upset that you didn't fight to spend more time with them?...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
And I think a 12 year old should have a say in where they are comfortable. If I recall correctly, there was alcohol abuse and not much of a presence? That trust has to be won back and not guilted back. If it had to do with him wanting to stay at moms because there are no rules, that’s one thing. But they are learning to regain trust. You need to hear them and make sure they are comfortable opening up to you rather than guilting them into doing it
I'm not sure I have enough information to weigh in on the kids...I just don't fully understand it.
I don't think kids get to make their own decisions. For example, a 12 year old saying this:
Quote
He's a really smart kid and asked why I was forcing him to stay.
I would say "Because you're a child."
My W was a big softball player. Full ride D1 scholarship. Put in countless, hours, travel teams, tournaments, year round athlete for many years to get her scholarship. She tried to quit after high school. Her parents wouldn't let her. My W was a pretty smart kid too. Smart kids make dumb choices all the time because they are not mature enough to decide for themselves.
What is going on with the kids Firemann?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
“Because you are a kid” is not a reason for a 12 year old. Sorry.
If a kid does not want to spend time with a parent, there is usually a very good reason. And from what I’ve gathered, not being home much and medicating anxiety with alcohol could be a reason.
I think the reasons why your kids feel this way really need to be explored rather than to say “ because you are a kid” especially at 12 and 15 years old
my parents divorced. I blamed my mom for the divorce. My dad was in my ear big time. I didn't see my mom for almost 4 years because of it. I was a dumb kid and I regret it now. Kids and adults have to do things sometimes. When it's family this is especially true. Maybe this is too personal for me.
I do agree with this
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think the reasons why your kids feel this way really need to be explored rather than to say “ because you are a kid” especially at 12 and 15 years old
I just don't understand what is going on in regards to the kids.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
"Because I love you and want to spend time with you." would be my answer to that question...
I also agree with ovr. Kids aren't always capable of making choices that are best for them. They think in the now and just want to be comfortable right now. They aren't concerned with the effects their choices are going to have in the future...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I just don't understand what is going on in regards to the kids.
Originally Posted by mtb1981
I also agree with ovr. Kids aren't always capable of making choices that are best for them.
That's true of lonely parents, too. We have a puzzling disconnect. Firemann says he was a very involved parent who made a couple mistakes. His kids' story is that they cry and argue when asked to stay with him, even having only stayed with him 4 nights out of 6 months with their mom walking distance away.
I strongly feel this is a situation that could benefit from professional help. Maybe firemann could explain to them all he knows of why the kids feel this way, if-needed the psychologist could interview the kids, and firemann+psychologist could come up with a path to restoring trust as their father and then 50/50 custody. This would probably also look impressive to his ex-wife and courtrooms.
My point exactly. This needs to be professionally explored and not blown off as “I’m the adult and you are the child” there is a reason. 12 and 15 year olds happen to be very emotionally intelligent
