Today is such a hard day

[Ready2Change]

but I am barely keeping it together this morning....I just feel like I am living in a nightmare...

HUGS... we understand.

I just started shaking and was trying hard not to sob and totally lose it in front of my son. I always feel like I am one step away from losing my composure in the middle of the store, etc.

Stay strong in public and around family. Find someplace where you can let your emotions out. It is healthy and you will feel better afterwards.

One of the current poster has talked about a "rage room". Sounds like a great GAL. Crying in the shower helps, or parked in your car. Screaming along with songs. The sad songs. The angry songs. Find things that work for you. Crying on the beach?

I am just in shock that I have to try to find a lawyer today because I know nothing (and never thought I would need to) about child sharing issues and financial matters. I am frightened of the future and what this process will be like.

Gaining knowledge helps reduce the fear.

I can't imagine telling my kids this. It will break their hearts. The crazy thing is we don't really fight, so I don't know how much they will see this coming.

One of the hardest parts of the process. There was some good discussion on gecco's thread about ways to go about it.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2843460#Post2843460

[oceangrl]

As far as DBing goes, I will keep working on myself and GALing. For me. I am going to avoid any R talks or anything about MR. I am not clear on if I am supposed to be doing the LRT or exactly what that means for me. Any thoughts on that?

LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. The book explains it better than I can. However, I think you need to be doing something similar. Sometimes called "going dark". The rules are pretty straight forward:

- Never initiate contact. Unless it is only on logistics: "What time will you be picking up the kids this evening?" Keep short and about business only. No niceties. "Hi hon, hope you are having a good day. What time are you picking the kids up this evening?" is wrong.
- If he initiates contact, phonecalls go to VM. If it is important he'll leave a message. If he does leave a VM then you use the rules for texting below.

If it is a text then: if it is informational no need to respond. If he says: "Hey I got a promotion today!" You: No response. IF he asks a direct question, do not answer right away, and then when you do answer it in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

ocean, most LBSs, and especially LBWs think "that's too cold! I have to respond."

No you don't. Remember HE asked for space. HE fired you as his W. Give him what he wants.

The tricky part for me is that we aren't separated yet. And he doesn't want to do that until we "have a plan" for the kids, etc. He wants me to come up with the plan. I don't know what to say. This is his D.

So I can follow your advice perfectly every other week when he is out of town (for work). But the week he is in town, he still sleeps in our bed and everything. So I am not clear how to approach this.

[oceangrl]

but I am barely keeping it together this morning....I just feel like I am living in a nightmare...

HUGS... we understand.

I just started shaking and was trying hard not to sob and totally lose it in front of my son. I always feel like I am one step away from losing my composure in the middle of the store, etc.

Stay strong in public and around family. Find someplace where you can let your emotions out. It is healthy and you will feel better afterwards.

One of the current poster has talked about a "rage room". Sounds like a great GAL. Crying in the shower helps, or parked in your car. Screaming along with songs. The sad songs. The angry songs. Find things that work for you. Crying on the beach?

I am just in shock that I have to try to find a lawyer today because I know nothing (and never thought I would need to) about child sharing issues and financial matters. I am frightened of the future and what this process will be like.

Gaining knowledge helps reduce the fear.

I can't imagine telling my kids this. It will break their hearts. The crazy thing is we don't really fight, so I don't know how much they will see this coming.

One of the hardest parts of the process. There was some good discussion on gecco's thread about ways to go about it.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2843460#Post2843460

This is such great advice. I have had cried the most in the shower and grocery store parking lots. And I have taken many walks to the beach to cry and pray as the sun goes down.

I am trying to take care of myself mentally as well. To remind myself I have so much to offer and he is crazy to leave. I tell myself he may not choose me, but I choose myself.

I will check out the thread you posted right away. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much right now.

[SteveLW]

As far as DBing goes, I will keep working on myself and GALing. For me. I am going to avoid any R talks or anything about MR. I am not clear on if I am supposed to be doing the LRT or exactly what that means for me. Any thoughts on that?

LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. The book explains it better than I can. However, I think you need to be doing something similar. Sometimes called "going dark". The rules are pretty straight forward:

- Never initiate contact. Unless it is only on logistics: "What time will you be picking up the kids this evening?" Keep short and about business only. No niceties. "Hi hon, hope you are having a good day. What time are you picking the kids up this evening?" is wrong.
- If he initiates contact, phonecalls go to VM. If it is important he'll leave a message. If he does leave a VM then you use the rules for texting below.

If it is a text then: if it is informational no need to respond. If he says: "Hey I got a promotion today!" You: No response. IF he asks a direct question, do not answer right away, and then when you do answer it in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

ocean, most LBSs, and especially LBWs think "that's too cold! I have to respond."

No you don't. Remember HE asked for space. HE fired you as his W. Give him what he wants.

The tricky part for me is that we aren't separated yet. And he doesn't want to do that until we "have a plan" for the kids, etc. He wants me to come up with the plan. I don't know what to say. This is his D.

So I can follow your advice perfectly every other week when he is out of town (for work). But the week he is in town, he still sleeps in our bed and everything. So I am not clear how to approach this.

I was never S. Yet I implemented those rules even in person. I was there. I was present. I was upbeat. I always had a song or a whistle on my lip. When she asked me something I answered cheerfully. I didn't initiate conversation. When she did I listened and validated.

The idea here ocean is that he is like a cat. You know how cats are, right? They want to approach you...on their terms. Our cat can be walking towards me. Obviously wanting to jump up and lay on the recliner with me. But if I make a motion towards here, bend down and put my arms out, reach for her, etc....she will run the other direction. But if I just keep doing what I am doing. Watching TV, reading on my phone, etc. She will slowly make her way to me and jump up onto my lap when she is ready.

Let him approach and jump in your lap. And even then, play it cool.............

[Ready2Change]

The tricky part for me is that we aren't separated yet. And he doesn't want to do that until we "have a plan" for the kids, etc. He wants me to come up with the plan. I don't know what to say. This is his D.

This is where I would never give him a plan first. If he brings it up, then you delay. "I haven't had time to think about that" or "That is not one of my priorities right now".


It is his job to give you the proposal. It is not your job to tell him this either. Let him figure that out on his own. You wait until he gives you a plan, and then you "I will look it over." "I need time to review what you are proposing". "I need more time to process everything" and keep DBing.


This is all about making new agreements. You currently have agreements. Many verbal, some written. You stick with your current agreements until you both agree to new ones. He wants to change the agreements. Make him do the work.

[oceangrl]

[quote=Steve85][quote=oceangrl]

So I can follow your advice perfectly every other week when he is out of town (for work). But the week he is in town, he still sleeps in our bed and everything. So I am not clear how to approach this.

I was never S. Yet I implemented those rules even in person. I was there. I was present. I was upbeat. I always had a song or a whistle on my lip. When she asked me something I answered cheerfully. I didn't initiate conversation. When she did I listened and validated.

The idea here ocean is that he is like a cat. You know how cats are, right? They want to approach you...on their terms. Our cat can be walking towards me. Obviously wanting to jump up and lay on the recliner with me. But if I make a motion towards here, bend down and put my arms out, reach for her, etc....she will run the other direction. But if I just keep doing what I am doing. Watching TV, reading on my phone, etc. She will slowly make her way to me and jump up onto my lap when she is ready.

Let him approach and jump in your lap. And even then, play it cool.............

Okay, thank you, this makes it way more clear for me. I can do this.

My only other question is, as far as his desires for D, he wants me to think of a plan/research child time-sharing etc. Should I avoid this?

[may22]

OG,

HUGS. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate as can so many others here. Please know you are not alone in how you feel and how destabilizing this all is.

A few thoughts-- my H also thought we could have the fantasy amazing best friends D. Early on I was like H3LL NO and painted a really terrible picture of D, that we would basically be enemies and he didn't want me as his enemy. Once I got to DB I was able to be pretty consistent around simply saying this isn't going to happen. I won't be your friend. Period. I didn't discuss it, I didn't throw out alternative scenarios, I just said no. I won't be your friend. I will be a cordial co-parent but we won't be friends. If you feel this way I would not play into his game of planning what amazing D would look like. (I mean, YOU can think about what scenarios would be acceptable to you, but you are under no obligation to share those with him.) There is plenty of time for that if you go down that road. I wholly agree with RTC on this one.

Also, something that continues to really help me is the saying on the welcome thread about this being a gift of time and to use it wisely. No need to rush into anything. No need to lift a finger to help move in the D direction if that isn't what you want. I spent a lot of time ducking R talks and every time I got into one I regretted it. If this is what he wants, let him do the heavy lifting. If it is hard to be around him when he is acting like everything is just fine, then try to avoid being around him until you are able to be upbeat when you do see him.

Is there someone you can talk to-- a friend or family member-- that you can confide in and who will be there for you no matter what? I did confide in a good friend and it has been a godsend. Also, can you find even small ways to do things for yourself? I think on HesAble's thread a bunch of different posters shared GALing ideas that didn't necessarily mean getting out of the house-- just ways to be kind to yourself when things are so difficult. I took a day off of work (twice, once after each of the last two BDs) and laid in my bed and cried for awhile, then just took care of myself the rest of the day. Those are things that are impossible to do with kids in the house. Can your H watch your son on set for a day? Can you basically take a sick day? Like what would happen if you really were sick? Don't feel any guilt about faking it if you need to.

And one last idea-- I do think it is empowering to start to think about what life would look like and what the good things would be if you do end up Ding. Talk to an L or research your options-- knowledge is power. Are there any dreams you had that were set aside in favor of your H's job or your kids? Classes you would take, careers you would consider? Spend some time on YOU-- you 100% deserve it.

Hang in there and keep posting.

[SteveLW]

[quote=Steve85][quote=oceangrl]

So I can follow your advice perfectly every other week when he is out of town (for work). But the week he is in town, he still sleeps in our bed and everything. So I am not clear how to approach this.

I was never S. Yet I implemented those rules even in person. I was there. I was present. I was upbeat. I always had a song or a whistle on my lip. When she asked me something I answered cheerfully. I didn't initiate conversation. When she did I listened and validated.

The idea here ocean is that he is like a cat. You know how cats are, right? They want to approach you...on their terms. Our cat can be walking towards me. Obviously wanting to jump up and lay on the recliner with me. But if I make a motion towards here, bend down and put my arms out, reach for her, etc....she will run the other direction. But if I just keep doing what I am doing. Watching TV, reading on my phone, etc. She will slowly make her way to me and jump up onto my lap when she is ready.

Let him approach and jump in your lap. And even then, play it cool.............

Okay, thank you, this makes it way more clear for me. I can do this.

My only other question is, as far as his desires for D, he wants me to think of a plan/research child time-sharing etc. Should I avoid this?

Like the plague. Do not do his dirty work for him.

[oceangrl]

OG,

HUGS. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate as can so many others here. Please know you are not alone in how you feel and how destabilizing this all is.

A few thoughts-- my H also thought we could have the fantasy amazing best friends D. Early on I was like H3LL NO and painted a really terrible picture of D, that we would basically be enemies and he didn't want me as his enemy. Once I got to DB I was able to be pretty consistent around simply saying this isn't going to happen. I won't be your friend. Period. I didn't discuss it, I didn't throw out alternative scenarios, I just said no. I won't be your friend. I will be a cordial co-parent but we won't be friends. If you feel this way I would not play into his game of planning what amazing D would look like. (I mean, YOU can think about what scenarios would be acceptable to you, but you are under no obligation to share those with him.) There is plenty of time for that if you go down that road. I wholly agree with RTC on this one.

Also, something that continues to really help me is the saying on the welcome thread about this being a gift of time and to use it wisely. No need to rush into anything. No need to lift a finger to help move in the D direction if that isn't what you want. I spent a lot of time ducking R talks and every time I got into one I regretted it. If this is what he wants, let him do the heavy lifting. If it is hard to be around him when he is acting like everything is just fine, then try to avoid being around him until you are able to be upbeat when you do see him.

Is there someone you can talk to-- a friend or family member-- that you can confide in and who will be there for you no matter what? I did confide in a good friend and it has been a godsend. Also, can you find even small ways to do things for yourself? I think on HesAble's thread a bunch of different posters shared GALing ideas that didn't necessarily mean getting out of the house-- just ways to be kind to yourself when things are so difficult. I took a day off of work (twice, once after each of the last two BDs) and laid in my bed and cried for awhile, then just took care of myself the rest of the day. Those are things that are impossible to do with kids in the house. Can your H watch your son on set for a day? Can you basically take a sick day? Like what would happen if you really were sick? Don't feel any guilt about faking it if you need to.

And one last idea-- I do think it is empowering to start to think about what life would look like and what the good things would be if you do end up Ding. Talk to an L or research your options-- knowledge is power. Are there any dreams you had that were set aside in favor of your H's job or your kids? Classes you would take, careers you would consider? Spend some time on YOU-- you 100% deserve it.

Hang in there and keep posting.

Thanks for your thoughts. It [censored] like crazy we are all here, but man, it's nice to have the support. I drove down the road today thinking, "at least I am not alone on planet crazy."

I do have a few family members and friends who are huge supports to me. They aren't drama, they don't tell me what to do, just help me keep my spirits up and are a sounding board. I like your idea of taking a day off. Yes, I can have him go to set when he is in town.

There are okay moments and hard moments. I took my son to get frozen yogurt tonight and we had fun being together. But I looked at my bowl at one point and thought, "my husband doesn't want to be married to me anymore." It is so weird. So sad. There is this process of watching all your hopes and dreams together for the future float away. Now, I have to fill them up again with my own. I am trying to view that as positive. I always wanted to learn to speak French better. It's silly, but I am going to figure out how to learn in a cost-effective way.

[oceangrl]

Reporting back...

He is out of town. I initiated no contact. I did not check his email. I did not look at the location finder on my phone to try and figure out where he is, etc. He did call me right before he went to bed, and I let it go to VM.

I did end up talking to him though as I picked my daughter up from rehearsal and she was talking to him on the car's bluetooth. I kept it light and casual. When he says, "just wanted to see how your day was'" I want to tell him EXACTLY how my day went thanks to his sorry butt but instead I said, "Great, thanks!" I kept it short. He was obviously tired and wanted to go to bed. I ended the call first. I said, "well, hope you have a good day tomorrow. Bye!"

uuuugggghhhhhh.