The answers to these are pretty straightforward from a DB perspective.
Originally Posted by KitKat
If he doesn't bring it up... I'm not supposed to right??
Well, do YOU want to divide up finances or not? If no, then don't bring it up. If yes, then bring it up. With the DB approach you detach, make decisions for you, and take control of your life. Before you do anything dramatic, try to give yourself a few days to think about it, and consider posting here for feedback.
Originally Posted by KitKat
He isn't expecting me to start anything???
Who knows? Neither of us has ESP. If he wants something, let him ask for it, and/or do the work, especially when that something is at odds with what you want for the future.
Originally Posted by KitKat
he said he didn't know what to do about X or Y. I said I didn't have an answer... I'm not supposed to am I?
Correct, if you don't want separation, it's his problem to figure out the challenges. You just need to ensure you cover yourself. E.g., if he moves out, what will you do to ensure you get your $x/month in alimony the court would award you, and how are you going to make ends meet on that amount of alimony?
In all things, take away the HIM focus, and replace it with a healthier YOU focus.
KitKat you are absolutely obsessed with him. Have you ever read anything about codependence or love addiction?
Make no mistake I am not judging you. I've been there. But all your thoughts, moves, choices, all revolve around him. It honestly makes me anxious just reading it.
Why are you waiting for him to take charge on everything? Did he want the puppy? Why is he not taking care of it at all and only you? Because you are allowing him to get away with it. I would leave a note or have a brief discussion. Calm yourself first and don't come in on attack or desperate on the other end. Tell him you respect that he has plans and that is fine, but it seems as if you both need to put a schedule together for puppy care. Make it about the puppy and honoring your own time. Don't make it about your relationship. Figure out a way for puppy care to be divided between the two of you. It's his dog, too.
Finances. Ask him when he can schedule 30 mins to go over it. Otherwise you will take care of it yourself. You and S18 are sitting around waiting for him to take care of things on his own time. Why? Why is he the most important?
Agree with the above. He is a grown man. This is a job and schedule he chose. If he doesn't like it, he can change it. He can be responsible for himself.
I had to tell myself what I am going to tell you. You have basically trained him to dump things on you. Like the puppy and you will accept it hoping he will drop a crumb of love on you. Are you worth more than crumbs of love? Yes, you made mistakes. So did he. Figure out who you want to be and work on yourself. Fix your mistakes for you. If you do it for him and the R works out, the changes won't stick. You can't change out of fear. It has to be for you. If not this R, than the next.
As for you, I want you to visualize who you are at your best self. How do you look? How do you walk? Does your face look relaxed and happy? What does your laugh sound like? Now, find that woman. Fake it until you make it. This is your single best mission. It will affect your R, but more importantly you! Connect with yourself.
Stop pain shopping. Don't look at his FB. You can change your settings so that you do not see what he posts. Ask yourself if what you are going to do will bring you closer to detachment and happiness or farther. Make new habits.
Perhaps I missed it, but I still haven't seen whether you have read DR yet. It has so many guidelines and info.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
He is making chnges... he is done commuting... he is looking for a house close to work and being done with me.
If I ask him to help with puppy that is putting demands on him when he needs his freedom?
I would like to get to a point of him asking me about things.
I do not want a separation... o do not want to do things that speed him out the door
I completely understand your fear of separation. It is real. But when fear drives the ship, we are not in control. I have done my GALing with the same fears in the background. It goes against our instinct. But our instinct here is not our friend.
Your time is just as valuable as his. And you are supporting him and receiving support by putting a plan together. I see that as different than a demand. Would you not rather be partners in a relationship than a caretaker?
The more independent you are the more attractive you will be. To yourself as well.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I would like to get to a point of him asking me about things.
Yep that is a good goal to have. That is why most of us come here, because we want our WAS to give a crap about us again.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I do not want a separation... o do not want to do things that speed him out the door
Also understood. Which is another reason we all ended up here.
As far as asking for help with the dog. That is a responsibility he has, almost as if you guys had kids together. I would ask him: "Do you want to continue to help with the puppy, or am I on my own?" Ask it in a non-accusatory, "i just need to know" manner.
If he disavows ownership of the puppy, document it. That way when it comes up in S and D discussions, you get full custody of the puppy.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/18/2007:16 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC, I need to say this to you. Not to upset you or to be mean, but try to shake you into reality:
You are more likely to end up D'd than reconciling. That is why we say "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Burying your head in the sand and pretending it isn't happening isn't going to prevent it.
So start moving on and show him what life without you is like.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are more likely to end up D'd than reconciling. That is why we say "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Burying your head in the sand and pretending it isn't happening isn't going to prevent it.
So start moving on and show him what life without you is like.
We are fighting statistics and probabilities here. None of us can for-see the future. We can use wisdom from others to help shift the odds in your favor. Consistently making permanent positive changes to the way you think, behave, interact, and speak increases your odds.
You walk multiple parallel paths. Balance reality with optimism. Goggle "stockdale paradox". Take the actions need to protect yourself during the D process. Keep DBing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I wasn't expecting to have a conversation today...
He said D paperwork is coming. We talked about Separation again.
He agreed that we would go together and get answers for both. He wants the bandage ripped off and be done... I want the slow boat to china.
He told me that he thought I was a goddess back in the day... then something changed... of course, life, kids, stress and lets not forget his god awful drive.
He went out last weekend and stated he had never laughed so hard. He needs his friends, he misses his friends. It doesn't help that its wintertime and he is stuck inside. He had so much fun... he needs to be free of me.
There is no A. He said he would go out tonight if its the one thing I need to move on from him. He knows its a deal breaker. He isn't looking for anyone... he just doesn't want me.
He doesn't believe I can be that girl again... he said prove me wrong. I said I will and then he said you will never be that girl again for me.
I validated... agreed... but I knew I could be that girl... and it snowballed to pleading and begging.
I can see why you would feel that way, but it was just one interaction. He is still immature. This is a marathon and the starting gun hasn't even went off.
Clarify this for me:
Quote
He said he would go out tonight if its the one thing I need to move on from him. He knows its a deal breaker. He isn't looking for anyone... he just doesn't want me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
