Today is such a hard day

[Pommy99]

And these are the moments when we look like this happy family and I am there in the middle of it knowing he wants to divorce me. He says he likes me, he's attracted to me physically, there is nothing about me that bugs him. There are many things he likes about me. But he doesn't feel a connection to me in a loving way. And he doesn't want to be intimate with me because of that. He wants out.

I am sorry to say that I could’ve written this myself, about my sitch. Happy families? H announced 2 hrs ago that he really is leaving, and viewing a rental tomorrow, but still wants to hang out with us on the trips out we have planned this week (school hols). I said no and he can’t understand why. H tells me I’m very attractive, he complements me on my figure, loves choosing clothes for me, but it’s not *that* kind of attraction. He loves my company, he loves me as a person, apparently in terms of being a wife, I’ve set the bar really high. But he doesn’t see me as his lover. Simple as that. I completely feel the hurt you are feeling. It sometimes doesn’t make sense. What is it they are looking for?

[oceangrl]

And these are the moments when we look like this happy family and I am there in the middle of it knowing he wants to divorce me. He says he likes me, he's attracted to me physically, there is nothing about me that bugs him. There are many things he likes about me. But he doesn't feel a connection to me in a loving way. And he doesn't want to be intimate with me because of that. He wants out.

I am sorry to say that I could’ve written this myself, about my sitch. Happy families? H announced 2 hrs ago that he really is leaving, and viewing a rental tomorrow, but still wants to hang out with us on the trips out we have planned this week (school hols). I said no and he can’t understand why. H tells me I’m very attractive, he complements me on my figure, loves choosing clothes for me, but it’s not *that* kind of attraction. He loves my company, he loves me as a person, apparently in terms of being a wife, I’ve set the bar really high. But he doesn’t see me as his lover. Simple as that. I completely feel the hurt you are feeling. It sometimes doesn’t make sense. What is it they are looking for?

Oh Pommy, I am so sorry and I feel this!!! It is painful.

I recognize I am one to overanalyze as I am a bit OCD. I have to process and then do my best to stop my thoughts. Im so sorry. I think you and I have to work on being the most amazing women we can be that someone would be crazy to leave, if not with this marriage than with a future one.

As bizarre as our H's feelings are, at least it means I am attractive in general. We have that going for us.

I feel like they are looking for this magic. I think my husband loves the falling in love feeling. He is more a teenage girl than me. I don't know. I have to remember I can't control his feelings and if I try to pretzel myself to be what he wants than I will only hurt myself. Trying to figure out how to be pleasant but have boundaries is hard.

Maybe you could tell him it's not personal but you aren't ready for that casual interaction yet. Our Hs and we are having different experiences. We feel the pain and loss. They are ready to hit the road. It's not fair, but it's true.

[SteveLW]

Steve my other question is, one of his big complaints is a lack of affection. But he also has an emotional wall up. I don't want to pursue or beg, but if that's a complaint do I still follow the path of not initiating affection?

Complaints are words. What do his ACTIONS say? It is easy to say "one of the reason I want a D is because you don't give me affection like I want." WORDS. However, has he reached out for affection only to be rebuffed?

The 180 opportunity here isn't to start showing unsolicited affection. But be open to it IF he initiates it. Oh, and that also jives with DBing! So it is a win-win!

If I want affection, I initiate it with my W. She can't be a mind-reader to know when I desire it and when I don't.

His words are forming a complaint (believe nothing he says). But is he reaching out for affection? His actions speak louder than words.

See WASs come up with all kinds of excuses and complaints. Some of them valid, some just words. But even with the valid ones, it doesn't mean they are asking you to fix it. In fact, after BD you do more harm than good. ON BD: "You aren't affectionate enough so I want a D." Then the LBS gets all affectionate. The WAS "why are you doing this now after I've made my decision?!?" See?

[oceangrl]

Steve my other question is, one of his big complaints is a lack of affection. But he also has an emotional wall up. I don't want to pursue or beg, but if that's a complaint do I still follow the path of not initiating affection?

Complaints are words. What do his ACTIONS say? It is easy to say "one of the reason I want a D is because you don't give me affection like I want." WORDS. However, has he reached out for affection only to be rebuffed?

The 180 opportunity here isn't to start showing unsolicited affection. But be open to it IF he initiates it. Oh, and that also jives with DBing! So it is a win-win!

If I want affection, I initiate it with my W. She can't be a mind-reader to know when I desire it and when I don't.

His words are forming a complaint (believe nothing he says). But is he reaching out for affection? His actions speak louder than words.

See WASs come up with all kinds of excuses and complaints. Some of them valid, some just words. But even with the valid ones, it doesn't mean they are asking you to fix it. In fact, after BD you do more harm than good. ON BD: "You aren't affectionate enough so I want a D." Then the LBS gets all affectionate. The WAS "why are you doing this now after I've made my decision?!?" See?

Okay, I see what you are saying.

His words: I want affection. I like it when we are affectionate (clarify: not intimacy).

Actions: He does not reach out and hold my hand. He will hug me when we see each other after he has been gone or before he leaves. At church he will usually sit by me and hold my hand. But outside of that no. He does not initiate or ask for affection. I feel a wall there. I know there is a wall around intimacy. He would only be intimate with me if I initiated. If I do not initiate, it rarely happens.

Pre-affair, I was not good at affection. It is a legitimate complaint for him from the past. In the last three years, it has not been like that. I've been more affectionate until around the divorce BD. Then I stopped. And he did nothing.

So what is my 180 on that? Seriously, it's so confusing for me. Thanks for your help.

[oceangrl]

And basically I just went around my elbow to say the basic No, he doesn't initiate affection with me except for the rare occasion. And it's been a few weeks.

[oceangrl]

I felt like I was doing well last night, but I am barely keeping it together this morning.

I am realizing that I can be okay without him. That he hasn't been that nice to me and I don't want to beg someone to be with me.

I just feel like I am living in a nightmare. I am just in shock that I have to try to find a lawyer today because I know nothing (and never thought I would need to) about child sharing issues and financial matters. I am frightened of the future and what this process will be like. I can't imagine telling my kids this. It will break their hearts. The crazy thing is we don't really fight, so I don't know how much they will see this coming.

He wants us to have switch our kids every other week. I can't bear the idea. I am a stay at home mom. That is what I do. I can't imagine being without them for a full week. I hate this so much. I have to figure out what the norm is for my state and what to expect. I am just in shock today.

Driving today a guy pulled out in front of me and I almost hit him and slammed on the brakes. He screamed at me, flipped me off, chased me a bit. One of my kids was in the car. Normally I would have been upset but calmer. This just set off all the feelings I have had locked up and I just started shaking and was trying hard not to sob and totally lose it in front of my son. I always feel like I am one step away from losing my composure in the middle of the store, etc.

[SteveLW]

oceangirl, it is a nightmare. I've said before that I wouldn't wish marital problems on my worst enemy. Not much anyone can say can help, but do know that it does get better. Try to stay focused on you, your kids, and what you can control.

[unchien]

oceangrl ~ There is no way to describe how awful these experiences are.

I think every WAS struggles with accepting the change that may be coming. We identify strongly with our happily married selves. It is completely jarring to have to think about how our lives might be (might**) turned upside down.

When I was faced with this fear I consulted a L, talked to a D’ed friend with kids, and slowly started to work on being okay with whatever the outcome was. I understood my rights, the range of outcomes should a D happen, and saw how people do make it out sometimes happier. Although at the time i felt “wrong” for seeking legal advice, it really calmed my nerves and actually helped me weather the emotional roller coaster much better. Because I knew I did not need to worry about certain scenarios.

It really helped me start to accept that the only way forward was to accept whatever comes my way and be ready - reconciliation, D, whatever. I still hoped for R, but I didn’t tether my emotional well being to it. Easy to say and excruciating to do. I’m not 100% there.

The best thing you can do for you and your kids is take care of yourself and be there for them. The rest is largely outside your control.

Hang in there. You can and will be a stronger and happier person no matter what happens!

[oceangrl]

Steve85 and unchien, thank you for your words. I appreciate it. I'm working on just taking it a moment at a time. As you have all said here so often, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I am going to reach out for an L just to get the information and see what my rights are, and what I need to know. I, too, have to overcome that feeling of somehow being a bad person for doing that.

As far as DBing goes, I will keep working on myself and GALing. For me. I am going to avoid any R talks or anything about MR. I am not clear on if I am supposed to be doing the LRT or exactly what that means for me. Any thoughts on that?

[SteveLW]

As far as DBing goes, I will keep working on myself and GALing. For me. I am going to avoid any R talks or anything about MR. I am not clear on if I am supposed to be doing the LRT or exactly what that means for me. Any thoughts on that?

LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. The book explains it better than I can. However, I think you need to be doing something similar. Sometimes called "going dark". The rules are pretty straight forward:

- Never initiate contact. Unless it is only on logistics: "What time will you be picking up the kids this evening?" Keep short and about business only. No niceties. "Hi hon, hope you are having a good day. What time are you picking the kids up this evening?" is wrong.
- If he initiates contact, phonecalls go to VM. If it is important he'll leave a message. If he does leave a VM then you use the rules for texting below.

If it is a text then: if it is informational no need to respond. If he says: "Hey I got a promotion today!" You: No response. IF he asks a direct question, do not answer right away, and then when you do answer it in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

ocean, most LBSs, and especially LBWs think "that's too cold! I have to respond."

No you don't. Remember HE asked for space. HE fired you as his W. Give him what he wants.