Why are you taking on the burden of him being broken? You do realize that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only fix yourself...so please stop thinking that you broke him.
Thank you... I'm just in a terrible funk. I have never seen him behave like this ever.
Why are you taking on the burden of him being broken? You do realize that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only fix yourself...so please stop thinking that you broke him.
Thank you... I'm just in a terrible funk. I have never seen him behave like this ever.
It isn't very attractive, is it?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night was rough. He had told me of his plans to leave early but he never came home last night. At least on Friday he was decent enough to say I may not be home tonight it depends on how much I've had to drink.
He never came home to pack for work and take his lunch cooler, laptop, etc.
Never had the courtesy to at least text - I'm at work. I mean really... you leave me to wonder if you are okay?
He came home this am as I got up for work. I was out of the shower and getting dressed while he was folding and putting away clothes. I may have gained 28lb and may not be in my physical best but my hair and make up today were on point!!!
He didn't say a single word. I know I'm supposed to act "as if" and be all smiles and happy, but how in the world are you happy your H didn't come home? At least I said nothing. I didn't think it was my place???
He sat at the table right in front of the paper with all the numbers he is trying to work out with me. I couldn't deal and left him sitting there while he was some what engaging with the dogs. I got a light breakfast and just stayed out of his way.
He then got up and walked out the door.
Was he waiting for me to lash into him?
Then my day got worse as I went out to leave for work and my battery was dead... UGH. I had to call H. I didn't know if he would answer his phone but he did and it was very kurt. I explained what happened and he said he couldn't do much immediately as his truck was being serviced and told me to get my S18 to take me to work...
Lord - why didn't I think of that??? I called him back and stated I was just said I was taking S18's car and work out the rest later. Normally H would tell me his plan but he said nothing.
Not a word from H but apparently he fixed the car and then brought it over and drove back S18 car. He didn't come inside my office which is definitely unusual.
I did text:Thank you for taking care of the car. I'm very fortunate that you would do that for me. ((I didn't use the word appreciate as I think he is tired of hearing that word from me))
He texted back: You are overdue for an oil change.
I didn't respond. He normally takes care of this stuff. I just let it go.
Was I wrong to say nothing to him this am??? What was he expecting when you don't come home. Maybe there is an A??? but he was dressed very poorly for someone who might be in limerance with someone else... crappy gross work clothes.
Your expectations are entirely too high. Keep your expectations of what you "expect" of your h at zero. He's not in the frame of mind of being the husband that you know and love. In fact, he's fired you are his wife/companion. Also, from what you've posted, sounds like you rely on him a lot to get things done around the house. Maybe it's time for you to become more independent and start thinking outside the box and doing some of those things you ask him to do yourself.
Sometimes, in relationships, we get too comfortable w/how things are going and eventually one of the partners gets fed up doing all of the things that we ask or tell them to do. However, when we begin to see the light and start doing some of those things, the resentful partner tends to become curious as to why we aren't asking them to do things. So, w/that in mind...schedule your oil change appointment and take the vehicle in yourself.
I would venture to say that he was expecting you to grill him on where he had been and why hadn't he contacted you about not coming home. The best thing to do is live your life as if you are living w/a roommate right now.
You can't change him, so change how you interact w/him. Change up your behavior and the way you respond to him...those would be 180's.
As I stated, you need to become that independent, self-assured woman that he fell in love with. You don't want him to look at you as his mother telling him what to do and not do. Treat him as a roommate and keep the focus on you and what you need to do in the way of self improvement and living your life for the moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last night was rough. He had told me of his plans to leave early but he never came home last night. At least on Friday he was decent enough to say I may not be home tonight it depends on how much I've had to drink.
He never came home to pack for work and take his lunch cooler, laptop, etc.
Never had the courtesy to at least text - I'm at work. I mean really... you leave me to wonder if you are okay?
He came home this am as I got up for work. I was out of the shower and getting dressed while he was folding and putting away clothes. I may have gained 28lb and may not be in my physical best but my hair and make up today were on point!!!
He didn't say a single word. I know I'm supposed to act "as if" and be all smiles and happy, but how in the world are you happy your H didn't come home? At least I said nothing. I didn't think it was my place???
He sat at the table right in front of the paper with all the numbers he is trying to work out with me. I couldn't deal and left him sitting there while he was some what engaging with the dogs. I got a light breakfast and just stayed out of his way.
He then got up and walked out the door.
Was he waiting for me to lash into him?
Then my day got worse as I went out to leave for work and my battery was dead... UGH. I had to call H. I didn't know if he would answer his phone but he did and it was very kurt. I explained what happened and he said he couldn't do much immediately as his truck was being serviced and told me to get my S18 to take me to work...
Lord - why didn't I think of that??? I called him back and stated I was just said I was taking S18's car and work out the rest later. Normally H would tell me his plan but he said nothing.
Not a word from H but apparently he fixed the car and then brought it over and drove back S18 car. He didn't come inside my office which is definitely unusual.
I did text:Thank you for taking care of the car. I'm very fortunate that you would do that for me. ((I didn't use the word appreciate as I think he is tired of hearing that word from me))
He texted back: You are overdue for an oil change.
I didn't respond. He normally takes care of this stuff. I just let it go.
Was I wrong to say nothing to him this am??? What was he expecting when you don't come home. Maybe there is an A??? but he was dressed very poorly for someone who might be in limerance with someone else... crappy gross work clothes.
LOTS of focus on him and what he is or isn't doing.
My questions isn't as much "where was he?" as much as it is "why are you sitting at home?"
GAL saved my sanity. It saved my self-worth. It may have even saved my life. It also played a huge role in turning around my sitch.
You did the right thing not saying anything to him. Have you read DR??
Focus on yourself. Make plans for what you will be doing tonight after work when you don't go right home.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LOTS of focus on him and what he is or isn't doing.
My questions isn't as much "where was he?" as much as it is "why are you sitting at home?"
GAL saved my sanity. It saved my self-worth. It may have even saved my life. It also played a huge role in turning around my sitch.
You did the right thing not saying anything to him. Have you read DR??
Focus on yourself. Make plans for what you will be doing tonight after work when you don't go right home.
Well where I am going to be a 2am??? Especially when I work the next day.
My goal is not to be home tonight as he goes to work but what happens when I come home at 8:30pm and he didn't get up to go to work... do I really want him to shout that he overslept because he had to take care of my vehicle?
Fun Fact - I started clearing my browser history as of yesterday every time I log off. Came home today to a random AA battery at the recycle pile in the kitchen... didn't think much about it until I went to get on my desktop and my mouse wasn't working... no battery.
It had probably stopped working and he went to change it but we are out of AA batteries. I'm positive he wasn't snooping on me. This is where I do the finances. He was probably wanting to look up stuff for more number crunching. We have plenty of things that use AA batteries... if it was really important he could have taken one from any number of remotes that we have.
Either it wasn't important enough to him OR its just one more thing he can be mad and hateful over.
I will definitely see a pattern... the more I am not here at night the more he will not be coming home in the morning... so be it.
I have a big trip coming up. So planning for that.
I saved my marriage once but unlike you Steve85 it was in the too recent past. Things seem very dark right now and I'm torn between being mad as all get out and feeling bad for my H.
Not at all. You're giving as good as you're getting and NOT applying pressure.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Then my day got worse as I went out to leave for work and my battery was dead... UGH. I had to call H.
Really?! My battery goes out I call roadside assistance OR google how to fix it which usually involves either a local service shop or a car parts shop (O'Reilley, AutoZone, etc.). Getting to work equals Uber or in your case S18. When your partner is checking out I'd try to cut down on "asks". PS - Ironically, the final straw for my ex moving out is when I asked her to help me change a battery. These things have meaning.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Lord - why didn't I think of that???
Because depending on him to do things for your has been your groove for so long. It's going to take some time for the Empress to find her New Groove. Keep working at it!
LOTS of focus on him and what he is or isn't doing.
My questions isn't as much "where was he?" as much as it is "why are you sitting at home?"
GAL saved my sanity. It saved my self-worth. It may have even saved my life. It also played a huge role in turning around my sitch.
You did the right thing not saying anything to him. Have you read DR??
Focus on yourself. Make plans for what you will be doing tonight after work when you don't go right home.
Well where I am going to be a 2am??? Especially when I work the next day.
My goal is not to be home tonight as he goes to work but what happens when I come home at 8:30pm and he didn't get up to go to work... do I really want him to shout that he overslept because he had to take care of my vehicle?
So you weren't home wondering where he was at 7pm? 8pm? 9pm?
Oh, and who cares if he shouts about oversleeping. Not your monkey, not your circus. Listen. And validate. "Yes, it must be difficult having to get up when you were up taking care of others things longer than you should have been." Do not apologize.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I saved my marriage once but unlike you Steve85 it was in the too recent past. Things seem very dark right now and I'm torn between being mad as all get out and feeling bad for my H.
The time passage isn't what is important. The sooner you get really good at DBing the better chance you have at saving your MR again. Remember, in my second sitch, I started working on DBing on day 2 after BD. It took weeks to get good at it. Most LBSs start weeks after BD, then take weeks longer to get good at DBing. Lots of damage done in those weeks. So my point with all this is that the better you get at DBing....EVEN at 2am in the morning, the better chance you have of turning things around again.
Remember, while there were 12 year between my sitches, sitch #2 was nuclear compared to sitch #1. In #1 she immediately said she wanted to stay married. In sitch #2 she immediately said she wanted a D. The 12 years between them actually did MORE harm than good.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ultimately I think he would have been more upset that I paid someone to do something that he can do for nothing for me... I wasn't asking he change my tire... we have a battery charger in the garage and if I had messed with it could have caused more friction.
I think he seemed prepared for a fight today. I'm grateful I didn't give him one.
How should I have reacted??? I couldn't make eye contact. Should I have smiled or said good morning??? I want to act as if but at least I fell back on "do nothing, if you just are not sure what to do".
Does your h not have an alarm clock to set for him to get up to go to work? If he doesn't, then someone needs to purchase one and set it for him.
I know you love this guy, but you aren't his mother and he should be capable of setting an alarm clock so that you aren't the one telling him to "rise and shine" all of the time. Also, if he's thinking of moving, now is a good time to give him a taste of what it's going to be like if this should happen.
I know you are walking on eggshells because you are so worried about his reactions, etc. If he gets angry, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. You then have acknowledged his feelings, but you don't have to stand there and take that anger on to you....walk away, leave the room, or get in your car and go somewhere. He'll either get over it or stew...but that's his problem....not yours. Take back your control over what you can control and trust me, the more independent you become, the more you will shine and be even more attractive and not look needy. If you have not read the Detachment thread, then do so. There are many examples in that thread that will help you learn how to detach and not react to his comments/behavior.
We all have been where you are at and we all had to learn to let go, let God have that wheel of the bus. Your h has fired you are his wife and you have to accept that. You can't "nice" him back into the relationship. You have to get to that mirror and tell yourself "that today is the day that I'm taking back my self respect and independence and no more being a mouse. I am going to be that woman that I use to be even if it hurts". Woman, take back your life! Do not be afraid! What is the worst that can happen? He move away? His discussions w/you already have you walking on eggshells and if he's determined to move, no matter what you say or do is going to keep him there.
Also, his moving was on his mind 2 years ago and probably has been bubbling there for quite some time. In fact, some of his behavior is just as it was 2 years ago and it looks like he may have temporarily put the move on the back burner until now. To be honest w/you, I am concerned that you may be getting gaslighted as a way to keep you "in line", i.e., threaten moving and separation/divorce. I did go back and read your previous thread and a few posters mentioned gaslighting, as well as provided links about abuse to you. Did you read them?
Nothing is going to change in your situation until you change yourself and how you are dealing w/the situation. We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need is to be ourselves. We must be who we are and not shy away from it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
