Oh I am planning my weekend celebration so hard right now! It's going to be super simple and wonderful.
All I want is a huge turkey sub, kettle chips, and really good local beer. I bought the ingredients and beer on today's shopping trip. I'm an IPA enthusiast, and got a great double IPA that I've had before and is delicious and a tad pricey. The weekend weather is looking hopeful for at least one nice day, so I hope to go to my local park, set a blanket and enjoy.
I found out that I will most definitely get a C in the class, possibly a C+. Coming from a place where I wasn't sure if I'd pass I'll take it!! I'm usually a A student, so this was really some tough stuff for me in this one. I'm proud of this C. There are a couple assignments I'm skipping - I'm just making that decision for myself - and those would bump me up to a potentially higher grade but would distract from other work, and I honestly feel I'll learn more by skipping the assignments and focusing on my large project and getting it right. So. tomorrow night at midnight I will be 100% done and if I don't pass out from exhaustion I'll enjoy a quick whiskey before bed.
So, this week for dinner let's see....Well tonight my dad wants to treat me to some local takeout. A local place we would usually frequent has a special on reubens so he wants to support them. But I have ingredients for more black bean and avocado tacos, which are a current favorite. Good stirfry veggies, so I'll likely do that one night. And I'm thinking of making some falafel since I have homemade naan and homemade yogurt for tzatziki. Sometime soon too I want to make more gnocchi - it's my goal to get really good at making perfectly fluffy gnocchi every time, and mine are good but need a bit of work still. My mom had made meatballs and sauce for me like a month ago, and there was extra sauce so I froze it, and hoping to use that with the gnocchi.
OH and I'll make some more cinnamon buns I think tonight. My boss has been a little down in the dumps, so our team decided she needed cheering up. My coworker is collecting an item from each of us tomorrow to drop to her doorstep, and I think mine will be cinnamon buns.
Had I trusted the weather report (I never do) I would have known this afternoon would turn out to be rainy. Yuck. I had hoped to go for my regular walk in the woods after work, but I think I'll be skipping today assuming the clouds linger. I have a half-hearted goal of walking 40 miles this week, and I did well yesterday but skipping a day puts pressure on those other days, so that might not happen.
My PHP class is FINISHED! I did end up with that C+ because the professor graded on a curve (I guess I wasn't the only one struggling!). On my own merits I'd have been a C, which sounds accurate and fair. Now that I've completed it I've reached the delusion stage "Oh, that wasn't THAT bad!" when I remember clearly wanting to pull my hair out many nights :-D
And today I am OFFICIAL in my status as an MBA student! So glad. I've reviewed the syllabus and content and this is going to be a much different road than the programming. It's reading, discussions, papers - which all take a good deal of thought and time. But it's not the same technical skills, and I feel much more like I'm on solid ground with these topics.
***** XW has still been on my mind a lot. A little shock the other day. I posted a video of my pet as a "Story" on facebook. I had never used stories before. They stay up for 24 hours, then are no longer permanent posts. It turns out you can also see who has viewed them. I didn't know this, and was shocked to see that XW had watched the video.
I had assumed she was no longer on FB for social media. She hadn't posted since our separation - no new pics, no updates, and I didn't see her logged in on Messenger (which was triggering because that's how she communicated with OW). I had taken a long break as well (and uninstalled Messenger), but chose to not to unfriend/block her as nothing we were going through was contentious, and she wasn't posting things that hurt me (ie pics of her new life). After a while I started posting again - I was always more active on social media anyway. I just have regular day to day stuff. Nothing over the top, nothing like "Oh look at how GREAT my life is!". I knew there was a chance she could see it, but it was very boring daily stuff and she had been inactive for over a year (or I'm blocked - which is also a possibility). So I was shocked when I saw that she still logs in.
At first I felt like she had to intentionally be clicking on my video to watch it. But then I realized that if you watch one person's video it slides seamlessly into the next, so who knows if she was intentional about watching or not. Who knows if it caused her to feel anything at all. I know she loved our pet.
But it was kind of painful for me, and still is. Seeing that she's still "there" - still out living her life without contact to me and that she chose this is still really, really hard. This was just a reminder of that. I don't internet stalk her at all. I don't Google search, or click on her social media, or search to see if she has a new account (which is my assumption). I don't google her workplace to be sure she's listed on a staff page, or see how the Covid crisis might be affecting her area (which frankly terrifies me for her health). I know it will only hurt me and she's not mine anymore. In this area I have strong will power.
I'm just still sad I guess. And I'm not wanting our life back either. I'm starting to understand just how different I am now than I was when we were partnered. It's shocking to me. And I don't regret this result exactly. But I'm starting to see just how much of the stuff she struggled with really was about me and who I was - in the beginning. A portion of it. But a solid portion of it. I regret that. It has taken me about 18 months to see clearly where I was falling short in our R.
I saw her stuff much earlier, and much clearer. And she certainly had her stuff - I'm not taking all of the blame for this. And I'm still angry about her affair if I'm honest. I'm not sure how I'm going to get over that because I still have work to do.
I feel weird because my first thought was "omg she's peeking her head around the corner". When I first got to these boards I did all my reading about mid life crisis and timelines. I don't believe in that anymore. Well, not for my case. Some folks I do. But now that I see my own faults clearly I see why she needed to go. This isn't a turn around for a future, and it hurts because there's still a solid part of me that wants that. But I don't believe in it any more.
Sounds like you were going through a rough time. I totally understand how little things can still be triggering, even when you know it's over. There's that quote I posted (which I can't remember if it was on your thread or not) about knowing it's over, but from time to time, still missing the person. That's OK. And it's natural. Davide (I don't think he posts anymore) use to say something similar about his brother who passed away when they were both very young. His brother is gone, he knows that, but it still hurts sometimes and he still misses him.
Plus, any loneliness and isolation (and everyone feels isolated and lonely from time to time) is so magnified because of lock down. We don't have our usual distractions, so are left with too many hours living in our heads. Remember, this too will pass. We are simply in a holding pattern.
I am sorry I have not been here for you. If we were allowed to exchange numbers I would. But I understand that why we aren't.
Keep your head up.
Plus, there's a new Hanna Gasby special on netflix (i thought of you whilst I watched it)
I saw your response on my thread. I wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and wondering if all is well.
I miss your cooking posts. They always remind me that it is not all about our H/Ws, sometimes it is about the simple pleasures that are the smell of freshly made bread, a warm blanket, and a cup of coffee (or gin).
I am well, overall. A bit melancholic, but okay. I'm healthy, I'm taking care of myself. My country is on (expletive) fire over here and that's certainly affecting me. But I personally am safe, and regarding pandemic my family and friends are also safe.
A bit warm to cook, but I'll get back into that. I've made mozzarella, ricotta, and mascarpone recently. I think cheeses might be my new hobby. I did make a few strawberry crostatas recently with berries I picked, and that was a summer treat I've been enjoying.
I'm still employed and grateful. I'm nervous for the future.
I've discovered that I love walking in the woods and I'm getting into hiking. I've taken many easy/moderate hikes but I'm getting noticeably stronger in my lungs and legs, so I'm aiming for harder. I have to avoid the hot days, but other than that I'm out hiking quite a bit. Gorgeous vistas of lakes and mountains.
But still, a deep sadness has come to me and is sitting quietly in my chest.
I'm working through it. I hope to be back and post more soon. Your hello made me very happy, thank you. Thinking of you too, as always.
Thanks for updating us-- glad you're getting outside and hiking. I've been doing a good amount of hiking too and really loving it. one of those things H and I did a lot before kids and then I stopped wanting to do it after kids... am glad to be back on the trails, even a little.
Cheeses sound amazing.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm glad you're well. I think, without the distractions of "normal" life, we are all a little melancholy.
I too am grateful to be employed. It has really been a godsend. To be honest, work has been a godsend through this entire separation, but never more so than now.
I am glad you are still cooking. I love hearing about the dishes you make. You are always so descriptive. I have subscribed to one of those companies that deliver healthy recipes and all the ingredients (pre-measured). All the food is organic and (I think) locally sourced. I tried it once before but found I ended up binning a lot of it (last minute drinks/dinners, couldn't be bothered cooking after a long commute). I thought I'd try again as the long commute is gone, and the last minute drinks/dinners are (for now) a thing of the past.
The outdoors is great isn't it. There isn't a lot of it around where I live (there are parks and good places to walk/run but not really hike). When I was in Croatia last year I did a long hike through one of their national parks. It was amazing. Lots of frequent stops to check out the scenery but it is one of the highlights of a highlight holiday.
The sadness is natural and it will pass. These are unusual times. Are you still on the dating app? It might be the distraction you need. I think other apps (though am not sure) have same sex 'friend only' options.
Just wanted to stop by and tell you I am thinking about you. Super excited to hear you will be working on your MBA!! Amazing the paths we take when the one we were on is no longer available. That is something I think about a lot...especially when I am feeling a bit down. I take stock of the experiences I have had and the people I have met that would not have happened if I were still married. So much to be grateful for even if I am not exactly where I want to be in my life at this moment. I know there is still lots more to come and it is exciting. I know this is the case for you as well.
This is probably the best time for subscription meals. I hope you enjoy them! Please share if there are good ideas in the package. I'm in a bit of a food rut where I'm tired of most of my usual foods, it's too hot to cook, and trying to eat less and less meat. Then I saw a friend post about a mushroom and white bean gratin which sounds and looks great, so I think that's on this week's list. Also trying to buy more fruit to snack on because it's just so hot. It's low 90s here but it gets so darned humid.
Lots of homemade pizzas lately because every time I make ricotta I end up with a ton of whey, and that whey is in turn used to make pizza dough. Which freezes and thaws beautifully. Mom popped over to my place last week and as she left I was sharing frozen dough because I just keep making it. It's a funny gift to push into people's hands :-D
This week I'm thinking a large quinoa salad and another stir fry. Maybe some spicy paprika pork chops and potato salad. Strawberry scones, which will also freeze well. And granola/energy bars for my hikes with lots of pepitas and peanuts. I also have a weird craving for corn dogs so I might make those and onion rings on a day that I wish I was at the Fair.
To be honest I'm not interested in dating, but yep, still on Lex. I thought I would be wanting to and my interest is zero. I'm on the app because it's pretty funny and I appreciate how straightforward some folks are. Some are witty and make me laugh. Some are desperate and I shake my head and wish I could calm them. But I've come to a place where the idea of dating just does not interest me. It will happen when it should, but for now I can be comfortable with the fact that maybe I'm single for a very long time. Maybe I don't want anyone else long term. And maybe that changes soon, or far in the future. I'm okay with either.
My crush on my coworker dwindled authentically. It was good. I was attracted to her for a good long while and it was fun in my head and a great distraction. Then it just naturally faded. She's still someone I'd consider a casual friend and I do like her in that capacity. Nice to grab a beer with or chat. But my emotions caught up with my brain just as I knew they would in this instance.
May & DV - thank you for saying hi. May, I'm sorry I haven't popped into your sitch. I am still hiding but will try to head over soon. DV, I hope you're well.
Oh boy, wouldn't it be great if we could have a little hiking club? I would so want to hike with you all and maybe have a beer at the top. That sounds..really nice
