This IS your normally scheduled life

[Yorkie]

Hi Yail

Yes to the more time. You are allowed to still acknowledge you have feelings for your ex. It is absolutely a sign of your healing and growth and emotional maturity. it is part of the person that you are.

Only people who have been on the receiving end of this situation will understand that you can still love someone and fundamentally know that you cannot and should not be with them.

How lucky are you Yail? You have known real love. Mind blowing love for another person. Some people go through life and never have that.

I have only very very recently reached the stage where I can look back and acknowledge that we had a great love for one another and that thought isn't tinged by his more recent behaviours. I don't like him much at the moment but I still care for him and always will. We dedicated 30 years of our lives and have 3 legacies to that love. I will always have 'a' love for him, but it is a different love to the romantic and sexual love. It is also different to love that I feel for other people.

Somebody asked what I would do if he became homeless and the honest answer is that I would give him a room. It wouldn't be my bedroom though!! I don't want to be friends and I don't want to be a couple. I will accept that gesture is part of who I am and I will not allow what he has done to define me.

Allow yourself that love, acknowledge it for what it is and continue on your amazing path.

[Yail]

Thanks Yorkie. Nice to see you back on the boards these days. Countdown?

I think I'm just finally really feeling what we hear a million times - a D is just paperwork. It really is. I thought it would give me closure, and to a certain extent it did. I don't have a weight over me and I don't have the anxiety any more. But with those two emotional experiences gone from my life I didn't think I'd be left just being quietly sentimental.

I think part of my struggle is that I don't agree with the "we shouldn't be together" element. That's where I struggle.

Overall though, life is good. It really is.

[FlySolo]

A quick poem for you by a chap called Atticus who I follow on insta ...

We've moved on now
but if I'm honest I am still
a little bit in love
with all the ways we were


I think the waves will always come back. The chocolates the kids brought back for me from their holiday with H was a box of chocolate kisses. My ex (the one I was engaged to before H) used to bring me back chocolate kisses whenever he went to the states even after we split up and he would come back to the UK for business (about once a year). He did this for years. When D10 gave me the kisses I had to stop myself from saying "Thank you. I love these. Uncle X" used to bring these back for mummy". A sudden wave of nostalgia, maybe even regret hit me for a split second and stayed for a bit. I think if you can look back without anger or resentment, then nostalgia/sentimentality is OK.

Go get that degree. If there was ever a person who should be engaged in academia, it is you.

I know you work in IT, but may I suggest doing something in the socialogy/psychogy/counselling area. I think you have much too much compassion and a natural gift for healing to waste on computers.

[Mumin]

I could never go back to how things were - never ever. I can be okay with all of that, and yet I still love her.

I can really see myself at exactly that spot in a few months time. Still too attached and still M.

Big thanks for sticking to the forum Yail! IT is an inspiration to see what I have the potential to become!
Keep at it!

Also, Nice poem Solo!

[Yail]

Mumin, a thought on being "attached". This board screams detach-detach-detach. But that doesn't mean stop caring, stop loving, stop hoping, or stop paying attention. But it does mean detach from one outcome being the only possibility. I'm sorry I don't yet know enough about you or your sitch to chat more about what detachment means to you, and your goals in striving for it. I will try.

But you made me think of a line from one of my favorite (and often quoted) poets - Andrea Gibson

"I said to the sun
'Tell me about the Big Bang'
The sun said,
'It hurts to Become.'"

Maybe we are all in that stage of Hurt on our way to Becoming.

FlySolo - I checked out Atticus on insta. wow, what a collection. And yes, that is perfect in those words of what it feels like. It's not a feeling of regret, but it's something adjacent. This missing of something that used to exist, and now has either disappeared completely or is fragmented and makes us wonder if it ever really was real.

Shortly after you posted I saw a clip from Button Poetry from one of their featured poets. Brenna Twohy says,

"When I say I forgive you,
know this
I did not bury the hatchet.
I have the hatchet in my hands.
I am building myself a new house."

Which is where I am right. It hints at some residual anger, but refuses to go there. Turning instead, and leaving the hurt behind.

Journaling:

Another potential part-time job popped on to my radar, and I'll be checking-in on that one. The bartending thing just sort of disappeared which was a bummer. But this other option could be good, and we'll see if it goes anywhere.

I go back and forth between feeling completely fine about finances and having mini panics. I have savings and probably more than many of my peers. But I don't have that safety net anymore, and I want a house so very much. I'm laser focused on it, and to build up the funds needed I need to be making sacrifices on my time and stay strict with myself. It's looking like I'm still a couple years out from this being feasible, which is a disappointment.

I realized that there is a potential that I'll have 2 jobs plus grad school this summer which is a bit insane. Good. I like insane. Curated insane. Insane by choice. It is equally likely I'll have just the one full time job and grad school and I'll still be pulling my hair out.

FS - a little secret here - I actually don't work in IT. I am pursuing undergrad classes in web programming with the original thought I might want to change careers but I actually think I don't want to anymore. My last class starts soon and ends in May, at which point I move on to the MBA. I won't share exactly what I do for work because I already think it would be too easy to find out who I am, but some days I so wish I could drop the veil of anonymity. But you are right about the sociology/psychology element. I have a need to build community these days, which is something I was dismissive of before. I just want to gather people and help them create a sense of home.

I have another idea/dream. When I do get my future house it would be wonderful if I could rent out a room (or even a separate apartment in my ultimate dream!). I don't want a permanent roommate situation. But when I was first leaving the house before official D I was very much in a space of "What do I want next? Do I really need to lock myself into a year-long lease as a renter?" I think that's a common place to be when in transition - a need for safety but not commitment. And I'd love to be able to offer people some flexible housing for low rent. 6 months or less. Even a week! Remember that 2-3 week housing gap I had? That is a TOUGH gap to fill. Give folks who are in transition and just need some TIME a chill place to be. Give that back to people who need it and are working hard but got a blow from life. Or give them super low rent so they can build up what they need for a downpayment of their own - similar to what I'm doing now - but with the explicit understanding and arrangement that it's a temporary fix to bump up their bank account a bit.

Anyway, that's where my daydreaming is these days. Today's goals include applying for that job, planning my week's To Do list, cleaning the apartment, going for a sunny walk, and headed to a social event tonight (yay!).

Off topic here - but any ladies have particular jeans brands they like? I'm curvy and looking for some that fit my hips but then don't have that horrid gap higher at the waste. I need some cute black/grey jeans for when I'm dressed to go out. I may need to buy online, so recommendations are welcomed! I am wearing a pair now that I just do not have the attention span to put darts into, though it's an easy fix.

[may22]

Hi Yail,

First off-- before I forget, I am totally into Betabrand and have their yoga denim jeans (and only basically wear the dress pants yoga pants to work these days). Check them out, so so comfy and nice looking. (Don't know about the waist gap though!)

But back to the meat of what I wanted to say-- I am always so amazed by you. You are always looking out for someone, be it the sad colleague on the bus or the person in need of a few weeks of housing. It is really inspirational.

Here's another poem to offer, by Naomi Shihab Nye, called Kindness. I came across it twice in three weeks, both randomly, and it says a lot to me right now, and makes me think of you.

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

[Yail]

May, you are sweet with your words. I don't know that I'm always looking out for other people, but perhaps people are just affecting me in different ways now and I am less afraid of them. Or maybe the right lessons are just coming at the right times for me to hear them, and making an impact on my life. I'm not sure, but your poem is perfectly appropriate. I know now how desolate the landscapes can be.

I hope you're well. I really do owe you a solid read-through of your past week or so. I believe you have some time to yourself, and I hope you're enjoying. Chat soon

[Yail]

An interesting but sweet day.

Staff Professional Development day today at work, full of workshops and trainings. It was a great event, and I work with some truly intelligent, kind, and giving colleagues. Listened to a few colleagues present on their Masters Degree theses, which was super interesting.

In my final session of the day we had discussions around work burnout, and had an exercise where we were instructed to focus our thoughts and memory around a single, positive word. We were assigned the word, and mine was "serenity". We were instructed to take a moment and really bring our selves into a memory and a space where we felt our word (which was an emotion) strongly.

Then, we had to find others in the room who shared our word, and share our memories. I had two colleagues I matched with. My memory was back last June when I was on the farm in Italy. It was when W and I were separated, but not yet in the legal of D. I had accepted it was happening, but it wasn't quite behind me yet. And this trip was to really show myself my own potential to go live my life on my own. I remember sitting in the barn, on a cement step, with the barn doors wide open. The goats were behind me in their pen. I was facing south, overlooking the pasture where the horses were grazing, and the cattle. The sun was perfect those days, and it was warm but not sweltering. I would sit there, and know I was on my path towards D. Know that my life would be different. Know that I was grateful for having W, but also having quiet hope for my future. Complete contentment in that moment. I was resting from morning chores, and sitting in a space that I knew would be in my future in some way - this lifestyle. It was contentment, it was serenity.

I think of that memory very often, and it was nice to associate it with the word "serenity", because I don't think I had done so before. It has refocused me on this life I'm living.

And then my colleague shared her own story of serenity, and it was based around the fact that she and her partner of 7 years split within the past 6 months. He was the cook in their relationship, and now she is taking cooking classes and she remembers just sitting with a beautiful meal in front of her, with a glass of wine, and experiencing her life. I saw her so clearly in that moment. I actually want to connect with her soon to discuss cooking since it's a new interest of hers, and could be fun.

There really are so many of us in the world going through true heartache at any given time. So many keep it private, and that's okay. But I think I enjoy more talking about it, and recognizing it. Just acknowledging it makes me feel like my life with my XW was not something I ever want to bury. But also I am so happy and hopeful for my current life and future.

[may22]

This is so lovely, Yail. The image of the farm in Italy is just gorgeous (as is, frankly, the beautiful meal and glass of wine spread in front of your colleague). Your posts always make me feel peaceful and hopeful for the future, no matter what happens. You are really inspirational, I hope you know!!

[oceangrl]

Thanks Yorkie. Nice to see you back on the boards these days. Countdown?

I think I'm just finally really feeling what we hear a million times - a D is just paperwork. It really is. I thought it would give me closure, and to a certain extent it did. I don't have a weight over me and I don't have the anxiety any more. But with those two emotional experiences gone from my life I didn't think I'd be left just being quietly sentimental.

I think part of my struggle is that I don't agree with the "we shouldn't be together" element. That's where I struggle.

Overall though, life is good. It really is.

Ugh,Yail, FS, May....you guys all got me in the heart tonight with all the feels. Such beautiful words.

Yail, I read the above and it gives me hope. I become so afraid of the future. What will my life look like in six months? A year? How will it feel and what will life be life if H goes through with this D?

It's good to know life is good for you.