Hi Firemann, it seems obvious "dating" isn't a good choice if you want a shot at restoring a relationship with your ex-wife. It's right if you're where you said you were a few months ago--done and ready to move on.
Dating is also not good for me at this moment. I'm trying to learn to be happier single. I want to resurrect my Tinder profile so badly and have women flood me with attention and validation. I even have my new profile text and photos ready. It's so, so easy to get dates around Valentine's Day!!
I'm throwing down the gauntlet. My profile is down. Which of can keep our profile down the longest? PS - That includes NOT asking out women in real life for coffee or "coffee".
Look at R2C's last post on the previous page, that is pure gold. Every word of it. Not to take away from the other great advice you're getting from Ovr, DonH, CWarrior, etc. But man R2C nailed it.
Originally Posted by firemann
* She then proceeded to unload every kid expense incurred over the past month saying it was killing her. I told her it sounded like she was overwhelmed. She said I had no idea how hard it is for her to keep it together financially.
That was a good validating response. Validation is the way to go here. She's fishing for more money, you're not taking the bait.
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I then stated: if we'd split the kids up, I could shoulder more of these expenses.
The two of you really need to get a written agreement in place and stop having these conversations. Work out the financials and the custody and get it in writing. Once that's done, then you give her X dollars a month for support and whatever she does with it is her business. If she blows it on booze and cigarettes in the first week and then whines she can't pay for food and shoes for the kids for the next 3 weeks, well her reckless money mismanagement is her problem, not yours. If it gets to the point where the kids are endangered, then you go to court to get full custody. This is a part of splitting a family up. Guess what, she's not rolling in someone else's cash anymore, get used to it!
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She replies "you buy and do whatever you want and I get to take [so and so out] on dates. I replied, "none of that is true. I am currently supporting 2 households".
You slip back and forth between validating and passive/aggressive responses. Try to stick to validating. "I am sorry you are feeling frustrated about all of this."
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She states I've never appreciated what she does for the kids. I replied: I always have, but maybe not the clearest way you'd see it.
"That must have been difficult on you to feel that way."
Remember, validation doesn't mean you are AGREEING with her. Not at all! You're just acknowledging her feelings. Even if you don't want her back it's good for laying the groundwork for a more peaceful co-parenting relationship.
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She states "...but not enough to take the financial burden off me when it would be so easy for you to do so. You have no idea how hard this is" I replied "I can see this is extremely challenging to hold things together".
Back to validating, good! And again, I like how you didn't let yourself get baited into a conversation about giving her more money.
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It's pretty clear to me - her keeping the kids means 1) inflicting pain on me by barring me from them and 2) more support $$$.
Here is what needs to be clear to you- your goal is 50-50 custody and agreeable terms on support. That's it. Don't let bitterness creep into this. Don't let your judgment be clouded by what you think she may be doing. Maybe she's being vindictive, maybe not. It doesn't matter because she can't control you anymore! Unless you let her of course, which I think you still are to some extent.
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She has to realize - divorce doesn't mean that you have to finance your former spouse and make sure she has her complete married lifestyle. You wanted to be independent? WELL, HERE YOU GO.
Try to keep emotions out of it and look at this all as a business transaction. The romance part of the R is over and now you are unwinding things. She doesn't "have to realize" anything, and probably won't. She's still stuck in blame mode and will be for a very long time. That is HER problem. Don't let her drag you down there!
I'm throwing down the gauntlet. My profile is down. Which of can keep our profile down the longest? PS - That includes NOT asking out women in real life for coffee or "coffee".
So, last night I went out with someone who was a train wreck from one of the online sites. Within 10 minutes of meeting her, she was asking about how many others I was talking to and reiterating that "she will be second to no one". She then tried kissing me. 10 MINUTES. Good lord.
I came home and honestly deleted my OD profiles as challenged, CWarrior. In a weird way, I am feeling the withdrawl already from the lack of the apps. I need to be better about being solo. I'm also going to reread this thread, esp R2C comments.
If I were you guys, I'd feel frustrated in dealing with me. I am going to reread this thread. I appreciate all of your advice and patience.
Within 10 minutes of meeting her, she was asking about how many others I was talking to and reiterating that "she will be second to no one". She then tried kissing me. 10 MINUTES. Good lord.
lmao. Firemann, props! My last date held my hand within 2 minutes, but kisses took a good hour.
Originally Posted by firemann
I came home and honestly deleted my OD profiles as challenged, CWarrior. In a weird way, I am feeling the withdrawl already from the lack of the apps. I need to be better about being solo.
Seriously, well done.
It's going to be a hard month for both of us, but we'll emerge stronger. I'm trying to channel the energy I spent wooing women into building more/better friendships and discovering solo activities.
CWarrior - get the meetup app for your phone. I found a dog walk group and a divorce group on it so far.
So before I went on that date, I got to the brewery a little early and chatted up a teacher for a good 20 minutes. She was cute too. I like the idea of arranging "coffee" in person.
Have a good weekend, my friend, and thank you for the encouragement. Takes fire to make steel and the next month, we will be walking through some fire.
Busy weekend. Went to a minor league hockey game and helped a friend get to/from an oral surgeon after getting her wisom teeth removed. Ended up replacing a water valve in my shower and getting a new alternator to install in my car.
I had a good talk with my daughter after picking her up last night. She asked if we could stop and get some dinner and i agreed. She said 'Dad, mom seriously has no money. I don't see my friends often because she can give me an allowance and she said we can't go out to eat anymore' I just felt horrible when I heard that. She started telling me that this D isn't what she nor her brother want. That made me feel worse.I tried explaining that I still have some hope but it's the toughest thing I ever experienced too.
After dinner that she, at times, didn't feel comfortable staying overnight at my house because she wasn't certain where i was. I told her I could certainly understand not knowing where I am would make her uneasy. I asked her if I could please have another chance to prove myself to her. She said she's considering it. I thanked her for talking to me and opening up about her feelings.
W will move out on 3/1 still. I seriously don't see how she's going ot financially make this happen. Part of me inside is realy worried about her.
After dinner that she, at times, didn't feel comfortable staying overnight at my house because she wasn't certain where i was.
Now what’s this about? I can’t remember how young your daughter is but as I remember she’s still in grade school. Why are your children and W worried about your parenting abilities? That’s what it seems like. More importantly how much does this have to do with the sitch you’ve found yourself in? Most important what are you willing to do about it?
I keep coming back to you could have a solid chance at keeping your family together, which is clearly what your kids want and is in their best interest, if you can step up and be the hero in this situation that makes it happen. First on the list though it really looks like they don’t trust you. Again why, and what are you doing to change that? And why oh why are you still going out on dates?????????????????????
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
.....didn't feel comfortable staying overnight at my house because she wasn't certain where i was. ....I asked her if I could please have another chance to prove myself to her...
One of the things we do in our family is text where we are heading and we text again when we get there.
Trying to drill into the kids (as well as myself) good communication.
"I am heading home" "I am at work" "I am leaving the house and heading to the store" "I am at the store"
There may be an indirect message. She needs you to spend more time with her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
After dinner that she, at times, didn't feel comfortable staying overnight at my house because she wasn't certain where i was. I told her I could certainly understand not knowing where I am would make her uneasy. I asked her if I could please have another chance to prove myself to her. She said she's considering it. I thanked her for talking to me and opening up about her feelings.
This is D saying this? I agree with Don, this is setting off some klaxons in my head. You need to GAL but that doesn't mean shirking your parental responsibilities, which is sounds like you may be doing. I would suggest that you talk to her, tell her you gave a lot of thought to what she said and that you are going to double down on being the best parent possible. THEN DO IT. My XW and I had 50-50 custody. On the weeks I had the kids I was Superdad. On the weeks I didn't then I GAL'd like a madman. Split custody bites, there's no two ways about it. But you can make the best of it by focusing like a laser beam on being Parent of the Century on the weeks you have the kids.
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W will move out on 3/1 still. I seriously don't see how she's going ot financially make this happen. Part of me inside is realy worried about her.
She fired you as husband, friend, mate and financial advisor. Her financial issues are not your problem anymore except as mandated by the court. Unless it endangers the kids. And if it does, then go back and get full custody. Focus on you and the kids, leave your W to the mess she's making.
