Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (10)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885409#Post2885409

That is what he is saying......now. But guilt has a tendency to fade. Take the time to get consults from lawyers. Make sure you are protected legally. Lots of LBSs thought their spouse would just do the right thing. If he can break sacred wedding vows he certainly can break a verbal agreement.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885436#Post2885436

I had to have her. I had to have her stay. I felt I would die if she ended up leaving. Then something strange happened. I actually started to look at the possibilities if we did S and D. That, darn it, I am quite a catch myself. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy that was hardworking, kept himself in shape, cared about others, and that had values. Sure I would be sad at losing her, but my life would go on, I would thrive, and I would have endless possibilities at female companionship if that was something that I chose to pursue.

So flip this script. HE is a fool for leaving you. Yeah, you aren't perfect.....NEITHER IS HE! He is walking away from the best thing that ever happened to him, and if he doesn't see that then he deserves what he gets. Seriously, if he is all that why is he about to be twice D'd?

And there is no reason why you have to honor his "He has a free legal service through work that can draw up separation agreement. Once we come to terms on things and its drawn up I will take and get advice of atty." SCREW THAT. Go talk to an attorney.....TODAY. Next time S agreement comes up your response: "Great, I will have my attorney look it over." It will stop him dead in his tracks.

YOU take control of this situation. Don't sit back and allow it to be dictated to you. He'll either wake up to what he is losing, or he won't. But there is no reason for you to be a doormat here.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885509#Post2885509

You are putting way too much into what he says. Remember, believe NOTHING he says. Nothing. For all you know he was in bed with someone else last night. All of his "complaints" could must be an excuse to be with an OW. Please do not think I am saying that is the case, but at this point, who really knows??

You worry about the separation, the distance, the lack of contact. Except....that is exactly what your sitch needs right now. Whether you know it or not. Whether he says it or not. If you stopped calling and texting him right now, he'd wonder why. It would get his curiosity going. "Is she moving on? Has she met someone?" Etc. Curiosity on his part is your friend! When your H BD'd you and left, he expected you to react....EXACTLY THE WAY YOU HAVE. Imagine the impact it would have on him to wonder a little bit "why is she not crying and sad? Why is she not contacting me non-stop? Why is she not begging and pleading with me to return and try again?"

In my sitch one of the biggest impacts on my W was when I started to DB really well. And she started to get curious about what was going on. At first, she pretended not to care. At first she pretended that it was none of her business. But as I GAL. As I 180'd on my bad behavior. As I detached. She started to wonder what was going on. "Why is he embracing this plan of mine to get a job, get an apartment, and get a divorce?" "Why is he so busy, and not home?" "Why is he not starting discussions about the R?" "Why is he not begging and pleading with me to change my mind?" "Why is suggesting we should sit down and talk to our D about what is going on?"

That curiosity turned into interest. Interest turned into caring. Caring turned into feelings. Feelings turned into desire. We had had a SSM for years. And suddenly she couldn't keep her hands off of me!

Flip the script. Make him curious. Heck, even frighten him a little. Can it really make things worse?

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885653#Post2885653

I’m telling you.....I’m way past the “show him your best and leave him wondering what you’re up to” kind of DBing. I don’t give two sh1ts about what he thinks of me now. Some days I like to be pretty, some days I just don’t care. But once in awhile I will be petty and wear something I know is irresistible to him but he can’t do anything. Like our last episode. He was talking D but I knew he was checking me out. In the end he couldn’t help it but to hug me by my waist from behind. In return, I handed him a bag of trash to take out on his way out.

The small talk- I still enjoy somewhat of our small talk when it doesn’t loop back to craziness. I feel a sight in-authenticity, but I choose to receive it as a positive interaction. Not towards recon or anything, just sort of having a nice chat with a neighbor kind of thing. I welcome the few mins of pleasantry. But just like talking to a neighbor, sometimes I rather be left alone. And you can find ways to politely exit the conversation just as you’d with your neighbor.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885677#Post2885677

Here is what needs to be clear to you- your goal is 50-50 custody and agreeable terms on support. That's it. Don't let bitterness creep into this. Don't let your judgment be clouded by what you think she may be doing. Maybe she's being vindictive, maybe not. It doesn't matter because she can't control you anymore! Unless you let her of course....

Try to keep emotions out of it and look at this all as a business transaction. The romance part of the R is over and now you are unwinding things. She doesn't "have to realize" anything, and probably won't. She's still stuck in blame mode and will be for a very long time. That is HER problem. Don't let her drag you down there!

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885729#Post2885729

Learn and move forward. No one had more regrets than I. If you read my sitch you can see I was one, mean, ornery, jerk of H. My W had every right to leave me. But here is the thing, we can't change the past. We can ask for forgiveness but we can't change what we've done. We can however resolve to do better from this point forward.

There is a line from a Bon Jovi song called I'll Be There For You. It is: "I can promise you tomorrow, but I can't buy back yesterday."

Regrets are like anything else. You can let them paralyze you, or you can use them to better yourself and move forward a better person. THAT is 180ing. Becoming a woman, and a wife, only a fool would leave.

You are constantly worrying about your sins of the past. You are constantly taking your H's temperature. You are constantly worried about what may come (S and/or D). You can't change the past. You have no control over your H. And you certainly cannon prevent S or D if he is intent on going through with all of that.

So focus on what you can control! What are your GAL plans for tonight? For tomorrow? For Sunday? How are you going to be better today than you were yesterday? You mentioned exercise, better eating, losing weight. Put that plan together. Get into IC. Read books like there is no tomorrow. And the work on detachment. I tried to mention this to you earlier. Become cool as a cucumber. You need to get to a place where he could come to you and confess having an orgy with 10 women, and you would go: "Oh. Ok." and go back to what you are doing. (Detachment doesn't happen overnight so work at it!)

Focus on you. On being busy. On learning and improving. On not letting his crazy affect you. Become the best you can be!

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885893#Post2885893

Why are you taking on the burden of him being broken? You do realize that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only fix yourself...so please stop thinking that you broke him.

Long before you met him, he had issues, lots of issues and they weren't resolve when he married you. He brought a lot of baggage into your marriage and there is no way in hades that you can fix that mess. He didn't do the necessary work to heal himself before he involved with you. So, listen...he's got a lot of stuff to work on himself and you need to stop listening to all of his gaslighting. He's blaming you for the situation when, in fact, both of you own up to 50/50 of the marriage.

You can't control what he says, does or thinks, but by granny you can control how you react to his nonsense. If you continue to think the way that you do at this time, you are going to drive yourself nuts.

Go to a mirror and stand in front of it. Say to yourself, I am a good person, I try to do what is right and no one, and I mean no one has the right to tear me down. Say that every time you even think you broke him....you didn't.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to heal yourself.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2886044#Post2886044

We all have been where you are at and we all had to learn to let go, let God have that wheel of the bus. Your h has fired you as his wife and you have to accept that. You can't "nice" him back into the relationship. You have to get to that mirror and tell yourself "that today is the day that I'm taking back my self respect and independence and no more being a mouse. I am going to be that woman that I use to be even if it hurts". Woman, take back your life! Do not be afraid! What is the worst that can happen? He move away? His discussions w/you already have you walking on eggshells and if he's determined to move, no matter what you say or do is going to keep him there.

Nothing is going to change in your situation until you change yourself and how you are dealing w/the situation. We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need is to be ourselves. We must be who we are and not shy away from it.

[KristinG]

Pommy99 Thread

He has a problem in his marriage ....<<<deathly silence>>>... there is nothing that can fix it except burying head in sand and walking away. And maybe he’s right, maybe nothing can fix his marriage, just like nothing may fix his sports injury...but the contrast in the approach is remarkable. To me it’s like saying I have an injury, the only thing I can do is amputate my limb.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885026#Post2885026

Look, I get it. I'm supposed to GAL and ignore this. The books say I should go out, find friends, have fun. My problem is that I'm an introvert and going out clubbing, drinking, or socializing has never appealed to me at all. I don't have many friends and I'm not particularly close to family. Socializing is a bit of a nightmare for me, and I don't enjoy it. It sounds crazy, but I think I love working, learning, and being productive. I love doing something that's meaningful or fulfilling to me, which gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Work now is our business, so I have a hard time loving it because it's marred by the problems in our relationship.

I read some good advice here one time that GAL-ing looks different for everyone. I LOVE to learn, so for me, I started taking a bunch of online courses. I started reading books again that interested me. I looked up a class I could take to learn something I wanted to that didn't require teamwork. There is a way to GAL that looks interesting to you. I am not a clubber and I don't drink, so bars are out for me. I had lost connection to myself for so long I seriously had to figure out what I wanted to do and what I was interested in. If you read or take courses, you could always do it outside or in a park. I live near the ocean, so I like to take a blanket down to the beach and sit and try to think positive thoughts and feel the wind and watch people and smell the ocean breeze. Just taking a walk can recharge my batteries.

As far as your relationship, I would just accept that for right now you aren't sure what you are going to do, and that's okay. You're right, your H isn't particularly attractive right now. I would have anger build up in me and I finally am learning how to listen to it. Last night, I felt so angry at my husband that I had to go sit in the bathroom before I said something angry or dumb. I had to really think about where my anger was coming from. I realized I was so hurt because he ignored me and focused on the kids. We sat in the same house and he never had a conversation with me, and I am a words person. I sat and put my hand on my heart and sent love to myself. I try to remember he may not choose me or he may abandon me, but I can choose myself and decide not to abandon myself. That's why I am working so hard on detaching. It's the hardest thing for me. When I feel pain and want to lash out at him, I know I still haven't detached. Its hard because it can be so lonely, I want affection so much. But I also know I cannot be dependent on him for my happiness.

I've noticed when I get better at detaching, I usually have a few days where I regress. I think this is because it can be so hard to go out of our comfort zone, so hard to create new habits. We have this old habit of going to them for fulfillment, and I have read that our brains don't actually like to think, they like patterns. So I have to realize what my pattern is and create new "wagon ruts" in my brain for it to follow. It is not easy!

Best of luck. We are all here for you.