Separated and facing divorce (Part 3)

[firemann]

Well - mediation was better than I thought. She's saddened by the fact she has no money and is leaving our old neighborhood. She stated the kids weren't sure if they'd have snacks at mom's new place and that triggered some tears. She asked for full custody and I said 50/50. After a few rounds of back and forth, the mediator said we were looking at an autumn court date for child custody. After some more discussion, we agreed to try a 75/25 split starting next week to see how it goes. If it works - we will go to 50/50, and if not, we will keep it 75/25. Either way, we avoid lawyers and courts for now and I get to see my kiddos more. Either one of us can stop the mediation process and trigger a custody court date to be scheduled. The mediator actually said we seemed like 2 great parents and she was sorry to see us splitting up.

I did mention once to my WAS that, although, she is leaving, this is what she wanted! In so many words, she said, this is what I felt compelled to do out of years of frustration. It didn't happen overnight. I told her I understood she was upset for a long time.

We left the session and hugged for about 2 mins. It was just an intense session.

We did walk to our cars together and she stated she did notice i was a much more hands on dad. I caved a bit and stated "rather than gove our money to the courts and lawyers, why don't we try to get expert help somewhere and just see if things can be fixed? If things can't be fixed, at least we know." She got really quiet and said she was thinking about that too. I said - just a thought, thanks for being collaborative today.

[KitCat]

It seems that things ended on a positive note. You got something off your chest that you have been carrying around. I hope you have planted a seed and she does give pause.

It must have been an exhausting day and at least when you left neither of you said anything spiteful to one another.

[firemann]

I need to seriously make the most of the times I have with the kids. Validating with them seems huge.

[ovrrnbw]

Firemann,

good job. You got everything out and you lived to tell about it...

You pursued a little and she didn't smack you down, I wouldn't advise any further pursuit. She will remember your words from today, and the past, just fine.

Now get your mind occupied with something else for a while.

Good luck.

[Ready2Change]

I need to seriously make the most of the times I have with the kids. Validating with them seems huge.

YES.

Read as many of these as quickly as possible:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


You have a lot of important work to do. At least three parallel paths:

1) Become supper dad. Research and learn as many parenting skills as you can.

2) Prepare and deal with the divorce process.

3) Bust the divorce. Every Interaction with W will either bring her closer or push her farther away. Shine as Firemann 2.0.

R2C

[DonH]

I think you did well today too fireman. I have always thought your sitch has a chance as long as you stop shooting your self in the foot. So from here, and some have already said this so I’m just reinforcing,...

- Don’t say again about not wasting money and trying to stay together. She heard it. She knows. Now let it be her idea.

- Put huge focus and effort into your kids and being the best dad you possibly can.

- DO NOT date any women and for double sure NO SLEEP OVERS at any location with anyone!

The Hope here is your W has started to see that the downsides of D may be much higher than she thought. If she sees that it might be better and easier to R than D she may consider it as long as she doesn’t think you are out dating and bedding every chick you can. This does not mean you can’t GAL and be mysterious just don’t have cars in your drive overnight.

If you keep going on this path you may be one of the few that get a chance here. Just be patient. It’s going to take a long time for your W to believe this new you is real. She’s starting to wonder now if it is. Don’t give her any reason to say, “I knew it, I knew he could not change.” Don’t let that happen.

[Ready2Change]

I agree with DonH.

Do not be MrNeedy or MrControlling. Put on your MrListenToUnderstandHer and hat.

[firemann]

Typing this from bunk #2 at the station on my phone, so please forgive the punctuation errors:

I appreciate all the feedback. I picked up my kids last night and they ate dinner with me at the station. Here’s some more thoughts:

* She is apparently on numerous online dating sites. I’m hearing it from a few single friends. I’m trying to be detached but it does rub me the wrong way. It kind of makes me feel like she’s done, so why try?
* She did mention she’s dating a lot and that “a lot of men lie about their actual height”. She said this on the way to our cars and I just kind of smirked and said “yeah, I don’t know”
* She’s moving 15 minutes away rather then 4 minutes away. I’m seriously just going to miss being in proximity to my kids.
* Ahe mentioned during mediation she is mad that I had another woman over. I am thinking - this happened months after she stated she was done and wanted a divorce.
* I have a strengthening feeling to ask her to reconsider not moving. I hinted around to this during reconciliation and she just shook her head and said she had to move because her current residence is being sold
* As much as she hates leaving our old neighborhood and moving, I tried saying how I felt stuck in the old marital house full of memories. Maybe I should feel grateful I have a house to live in. It’s going to hurt driving down our street after she moves away. Maybe she will actually will miss me more when she moves.
^ I have urges to invite her out to somehow listen to her feelings so I can understand what’s going on inside her head. I realize she probably doesn’t know. I miss the old version of her and watching her cry in that mediation hearing was hard.

* I anticipate no issues focusing hard on the kids
* Dating/OLD - guys, avoiding this is going to be tough to impossible. I’m just going to throw out my thoughts on this...I struggle with this new person my WAS has become.. I like honing my skills in talking to women; the validation boost is addictive. The sex is awesome. I feel like she no longer lives across the street so who cares what car is in my driveway when she moves and the kids are not with me. I do have this spirit of getting even, as I know she’s online dating.

I wonder when exactly I know I’ll be ready to date. Sometimes I feel strong and wanting to move on.

I do attend a divorce support group I found on meetup and they too suggest not dating during separation! They say if you do (and the vast majority does), go slow and make sure that both people know it’s light (going out for fun and it not becoming serious).

[ovrrnbw]

Several pages back you mentioned friends telling you about the online dating and I replied with a good idea: tell them that y'all have been separated for a while and that her business is none of your business, please keep that to themselves. It doesn't mean she is done at all, it mostly means she is seeking validation or attention from men. No good match is going to come sweep her off her feet right now. DETACHHHHHH.

W:* She did mention she’s dating a lot and that “a lot of men lie about their actual height”. She said this on the way to our cars and I just kind of smirked and said “yeah, I don’t know”
Your Response: "That aint all their lying about!"

Make it a joke, let it roll of your back.You want her back? Take this mindset.

* Ahe mentioned during mediation she is mad that I had another woman over. I am thinking - this happened months after she stated she was done and wanted a divorce.

If she was "done", she wouldn't be worrying about this STILL!!!! This is a positive. Don't have more women over though while you're healing and hoping that your W changes her mind.

* I have a strengthening feeling to ask her to reconsider not moving. I hinted around to this during reconciliation and she just shook her head and said she had to move because her current residence is being sold

You just brought it up the other day. If she thinks it's a good idea, she will let you know! Do not keep pursuing!

I tried saying how I felt stuck in the old marital house full of memories. Maybe I should feel grateful I have a house to live in. It’s going to hurt driving down our street after she moves away.

Tell that to your buddies, not her. Treat her like she isn't yours, because she really isn't your woman right now.

* Dating/OLD - guys, avoiding this is going to be tough to impossible.

I guess you and I have different opinions on what tough and impossible means. But if you want to drive the nail into the coffin, I can't stop you. You literally typed in one sentence that you want to ask her to come back, and then in the next that you want to start having random Tinderellas over to your house. The house that is full of family memories. You're all over the place Firemann.

I do have this spirit of getting even, as I know she’s online dating.

And there it is. You actions are based off of her actions and your short term emotions. Be the zen master. Do what you must, not what is easy..

[Ready2Change]

* She is apparently on numerous online dating sites.

Who cares is where you need to get to.

I’m hearing it from a few single friends. I’m trying to be detached but it does rub me the wrong way.

Best thing to do is tell them you would prefer not to know what W is doing. "That is her business, not mine."

It kind of makes me feel like she’s done, so why try?

Because it is the right thing to do. Especially for your kids. She has to be done and you have to be done. Then a new foundation can be built (if she has a change of heart).

She did mention she’s dating a lot and that “a lot of men lie about their actual height”. She said this on the way to our cars

Perfect place to validate.

and I just kind of smirked and said “yeah, I don’t know”

Better "how does that make you feel?"

She mentioned during mediation she is mad that I had another woman over. I am thinking - this happened months after she stated she was done and wanted a divorce.

This is why I believe you have a better chance then most to turn this around. It also makes things more complicated. Another opportunity to validate "I can understand why you would be angry"

I have a strengthening feeling to ask her to reconsider not moving.

It is better to let her go and let her realize the big mistake she has made and come begging you to take her back. Be the lighthouse.

I hinted around to this during reconciliation and she just shook her head and said she had to move because her current residence is being sold

Then absolutely do not ask. She already knows what you want. You already have your answer.

Maybe she will actually will miss me more when she moves.

This is what you want. It is all about how she feels. She needs to feel the feeling of missing you. It is a critical part of the process, but most LBS do just the opposite. Give her space.

I have urges to invite her out to somehow listen to her feelings so I can understand what’s going on inside her head. I realize she probably doesn’t know. I miss the old version of her and watching her cry in that mediation hearing was hard.

Your job is to be the emotional rock and let her express her feelings to you however she needs. Treat her like a cat, better yet a squirrel. Wait for her to come to you, then validate.

Dating/OLD - guys, avoiding this is going to be tough to impossible. I’m just going to throw out my thoughts on this...I struggle with this new person my WAS has become..

This is where love is a choice. You love her despite her poor choices and questionable behavior. Love her for who she is and not for what she does.

I like honing my skills in talking to women; the validation boost is addictive.

I am a "All is fair in love and war" guy. Hone your skills. I think many underestimate attractive power of "social proof".

I do have this spirit of getting even, as I know she’s online dating.

This is an area where you still need some personal growth. Good opportunity to learn some forgiveness skills.

I wonder when exactly I know I’ll be ready to date. Sometimes I feel strong and wanting to move on.

I believe there are different "types" of dating. I didn't start "dating" until the divorce paperwork was signed. Before that, I was out just enjoying life and meeting interesting people without any intentions of finding my "Next mate". Hooking up with people, even ONS, also complicates things if your goal is to R with W. I definitely was able to hone some skills that enhance my current relationship.

I do attend a divorce support group I found on meetup and they too suggest not dating during separation! They say if you do (and the vast majority does), go slow and make sure that both people know it’s light (going out for fun and it not becoming serious).

Wise people. I live in a small town, and all my initial dating was in the bigger town over. I did date a woman from the same church. Probably not the best choice, but we were divorced by then. I sifted through a lot of woman before finding one with the qualities I needed in long relationship. Open and Honest were at the top of my list.