Steve you mentioned I turned it around once... is it ever turned around twice????
Yes. I did it.
I can't believe I was so lucky to get him back only to stop the one thing that meant the most to him...
I should have just let him have the S... there should have been no convo. Ugh I contacted his friend who thru me under the bus and that so didnt help.
He was yelling tonight but even as he went to work he said... I don't love you (which is what he has been saying since this started).. and suddenly he corrected himself and said i dont love you enough.... probably grasping at straws right?
I have gone back to working out... I dont like how I feel or look and he has confirmed he finds me unattractive.
I started re reading my DB book.
Last time I had I lost him he wasn't demanding S and D. He had lost feelings and even had gone house hunting. He is curther withdrawn and gone.
He knows I'm letting him go and I dont want this... I still want my H back.
This is going to be harder this time.... I'm going to need tons of supoort.
I have to figure out how to live in the house with the man who I just agreed to go through a legal separation with.
I strongly believe you should go get a free consult with a lawyer or two.
Knowledge is power.
Yes... and I would give that advice to someone in my shoes.
Right now he will leave me the house completely, not touch my retirement accts, pay off my sons car, and give me 75k out of his retirement... I need to sit down and take some time but it's not unreasonable.
I have to figure out how to live in the house with the man who I just agreed to go through a legal separation with.
I strongly believe you should go get a free consult with a lawyer or two.
Knowledge is power.
Yes... and I would give that advice to someone in my shoes.
Right now he will leave me the house completely, not touch my retirement accts, pay off my sons car, and give me 75k out of his retirement... I need to sit down and take some time but it's not unreasonable.
That is what he is saying......now. But guilt has a tendency to fade. Take the time to get consults from lawyers. Make sure you are protected legally. Lots of LBSs thought their spouse would just do the right thing. If he can break sacred wedding vows he certainly can break a verbal agreement.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
[ That is what he is saying......now. But guilt has a tendency to fade. Take the time to get consults from lawyers. Make sure you are protected legally. Lots of LBSs thought their spouse would just do the right thing. If he can break sacred wedding vows he certainly can break a verbal agreement.
I know. He went through a terrible drawn out divorce and he doesn't want to pay atty. He has a free legal service through work that can draw up separation agreement. Once we come to terms on things and its drawn up I will take and get advice of atty.
I woke up at 1am... and called him. He is refusing my calls. He texted and we texted back and forth about my son. My S18 is having some issues with all this and he has agreed to talk to him privately in person.
I mentioned that he is the fixer of everything and the garage needs stuff done - drywall repair, valve on water heater, some shelving.
He said he can still get that stuff done even if he is gone.
I feel like total crap that I was controlling the finances to the point he felt like a prisoner --- I mean don't get me wrong he has a new boat and motorcycle so he had money but I did control it and I we should have been sharing that.
Of course I see that now like no body's business but the hurt has built up so much over time that he just can't handle it. He is in physical pain and his friend is telling him to bail because no body should hurt like that.
Of course I am willing to change. I can lose the weight again... and keep it off. Lord knows I felt better when I was 30lb lighter.
That will most definitely kick up my self esteem where I feel I am worthy of accepting and giving affection.
But I have neglected him for so long.... he is so hurt he just wants to go heal himself.
Steve85 ---- if we separate there isn't much chance of any contact. We don't share any children. We won't live in the same town. He has said repeatedly he will not give the chance to make things better because he could never handle the rejection again.
KC, obviously calling and texting him was not what you should have done. At this point you need to go NC as much as possible. All interaction that you initiate will be seen as pressure and pursuit. And you need to back off of that.
I do have a question. Do you really want to be with someone that will only love you thin, and that you have to let spend as much money as he wants to spend? I mean, he has a boat and a motorcycle.....and yet feels like he needs to spend more?!?
KC, LBWs especially think that their WAHs are so worthy and that they couldn't do better. I have to tell you, you are in a perfect situation here. You are woman, relatively young. You are with a guy with no shared children, You see that as a negative, I see that as a huge positive! Ask yourself, what are you fighting so hard to hold on to? A guy that as soon as he doesn't get his way in 2 years will BD you again? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying if you gained an extra pound? Or your face develops another wrinkle? Or if he comes home wanting to drop thousands on some toy that you have you to go "Okay! What ever you want, dear?"
See I was a lot like you from Dec. 23, 2017 through about mid-February 2018. I had to have her. I had to have her stay. I felt I would die if she ended up leaving. Then something strange happened. I actually started to look at the possibilities if we did S and D. That, darn it, I am quite a catch myself. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy that was hardworking, kept himself in shape, cared about others, and that had values. Sure I would be sad at losing her, but my life would go on, I would thrive, and I would have endless possibilities at female companionship if that was something that I chose to pursue.
So flip this script. HE is a fool for leaving you. Yeah, you aren't perfect.....EITHER IS HE! He is walking away from the best thing that ever happened to him, and if he doesn't see that then he deserves what he gets. Seriously, if he is all that why is he about to be twice D'd?
And there is no reason why you have to honor his "He has a free legal service through work that can draw up separation agreement. Once we come to terms on things and its drawn up I will take and get advice of atty." SCREW THAT. Go talk to an attorney.....TODAY. Next time S agreement comes up your response: "Great, I will have my attorney look it over." It will stop him dead in his tracks.
YOU take control of this situation. Don't sit back and allow it to be dictated to you. He'll either wake up to what he is losing, or he won't. But there is no reason for you to be a doormat here.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's where I got, Steve. I sat with the idea of D and it wasn't so bad after all. I have WAY more money than him, he can not longer get any of it. That ship sailed. Too bad. I met some other guys and learned that perhaps some of them might be pretty interesting. I got a new house for myself. I woke up one morning and said to myself, "who needs this junk," and walked away in my mind. From that point it took about 10 days. And I am having second thoughts. I may not go through with it.
KC, obviously calling and texting him was not what you should have done. At this point you need to go NC as much as possible. All interaction that you initiate will be seen as pressure and pursuit. And you need to back off of that.
I know... I know... I know... I wasn't the best I could be last time but he always answered every call last time but he is not taking calls at all...
I will be better I will be better I will be better
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I do have a question. Do you really want to be with someone that will only love you thin, and that you have to let spend as much money as he wants to spend? I mean, he has a boat and a motorcycle.....and yet feels like he needs to spend more?!?
Here's the thing... he is lashing out. Yes... If I lost the weight I would be more desirable BUT I kept pulling away from him... he was feeling MAJOR rejection... and in his heart it was over and over and over.
He so much as said... he could have put up with so much... he didn't mind the commute, the not seeing his friends and going out with him as much because he was getting so much affection from me he didn't need it. He would look past the weight if I was affectionate like he craved. We are not talking sex.... its when I run my fingers through his hair... touch his back... rest my head on his shoulders... All the things I really love to do but work has been stressful and demanding and I've been working later and seeing him less. He sometimes works 12hr and sometimes 10-14 days without a day off.
His saying those comments are to hurt me...
He said he was pushing to move out and make it a legal separation immediately because he knew it would hurt me and he wanted to hurt me so I would know the pain he was feeling.
I so much as said last night I'm in terrible pain. I'm sure I'm in more pain than you... he responded he doubted it.
He is lashing out - out of pain... out of fear???
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KC, LBWs especially think that their WAHs are so worthy and that they couldn't do better. I have to tell you, you are in a perfect situation here. You are woman, relatively young. You are with a guy with no shared children, You see that as a negative, I see that as a huge positive! Ask yourself, what are you fighting so hard to hold on to? A guy that as soon as he doesn't get his way in 2 years will BD you again? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying if you gained an extra pound? Or your face develops another wrinkle? Or if he comes home wanting to drop thousands on some toy that you have you to go "Okay! What ever you want, dear?" [/qoute]
I was controlling the money. He would come to me and say the truck needs new tires X, and I would say - in 2 weeks or something like that. Yes, I made sure he had toys after the last BD because he worked hard and made the bucks and deserved a reward.
I was so stupid not having him more involved in the finances. Especially in the last several months. I wasn't doing a good job and I should have asked his input. But, I saw it as my job - he commutes so I handle everything at home.
So its really about that he feels I have to be in control all the time.
[quote] See I was a lot like you from Dec. 23, 2017 through about mid-February 2018. I had to have her. I had to have her stay. I felt I would die if she ended up leaving. Then something strange happened. I actually started to look at the possibilities if we did S and D. That, darn it, I am quite a catch myself. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy that was hardworking, kept himself in shape, cared about others, and that had values. Sure I would be sad at losing her, but my life would go on, I would thrive, and I would have endless possibilities at female companionship if that was something that I chose to pursue.
So flip this script. HE is a fool for leaving you. Yeah, you aren't perfect.....EITHER IS HE! He is walking away from the best thing that ever happened to him, and if he doesn't see that then he deserves what he gets. Seriously, if he is all that why is he about to be twice D'd?
Yes - I need to get my crap in shape and in a better head space. I need to leave him wondering. But once he leaves what contact will we have??? Living in 2 different towns and no shared children.???
Once he is out the door he no longer has me on his radar???
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And there is no reason why you have to honor his "He has a free legal service through work that can draw up separation agreement. Once we come to terms on things and its drawn up I will take and get advice of atty." SCREW THAT. Go talk to an attorney.....TODAY. Next time S agreement comes up your response: "Great, I will have my attorney look it over." It will stop him dead in his tracks.
I know. His last divorce was s show... with kids involved. It was terrible for YEARS. I don't want that kind of drama. I will get advice but if I keep things amicable and I feel I'm being taken care of as best possible he might have more respect for me???
He said he wasn't looking to get married but he fell in love and respected me so much... right now he has neither.
When he first said he had separation in his head... he said maybe I figure out I want to be with you... maybe by then you are not available and I've risked losing you. Last night I asked why he felt that even after he dictated to me there is no hope. He will not ever be home in the morning before I go to work. We will never take a hot tub. Why was he saying he would see what would happen.... he said that he wanted to have hope.
STEVE85 --- Does that mean despite the way it feels that under that anger there is still a door a little open??? OR AM I READING WHAT I WANT TO HEAR?
He didn't plan on NOT coming home... his cpap is here as well as his oral appliance. He would have taken one or the other.
I know I called too much last night... he has never not taken calls from me before.
I texted a lot but he was responding... at 6;30am I was asking what type of house he was looking for - cost, size... he answered.
I updated him on some work drama from Tuesday and he responded back at 9:41am with OK. He knows I needed help with the new puppy in getting him out so it would have been nice since my lunch break was so late for him to give me a heads up he wouldn't be home..
I totally shoved him out the door.
I would like to tell him that I am not respecting him and therefore not myself... the drama stops.
I agree w/R2C, you should make the time and seek the advice of a lawyer...just so you know what your options are.
Yes, relationships can be turned around more than once...but you will need to learn that whatever changes you make must become permanent and you can't slack off and slip and slide back into the past behaviors. When a couple reconciles, it is a new marriage and that means both of you are different people and will need to learn how to be couples once again.
Here's something to think about....he's got an issue w/your weight...maybe it's time to start thinking about changing the diet for both of you. If he questions what you are fixing, i.e., little to no bread, potatoes, white rice, and especially cutting back on booze as well as candy, chips, cakes, etc....just say, it's a new year and time to think about eating healthier. If he doesn't like what you fix, that's on him, but you mentioned that you have gained weight, so this is a great way to begin the new year. Also, walking is a great exercise and it helps to melt the pounds off. Do you think he would take walks w/you when the two of you are off together? What about a gym membership for the two of you. It appears that you and your h don't have much in the way of hobbies/interests that you both can be involved in. Think about this and come back and we'll talk about it some more.
The more knowledge you have about your rights, the more informed you will be in the long run.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
