You are doing so well and are such a mirror for me!! I am really taking away a lot about your insights on your fears and fear driven behaviour and thinking...as again our timeline and the MLC behaviour is so similar.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Even now, though, when he seems to have stabilized somewhat (again, outwardly, so I realize I am only observing the very tip of this iceberg), I notice little things he's stopped doing that used to bring him such simple joy and pure delight. These are things no one else would probably notice about him.
TRUTH. It was much easier for me too to remain mentally calm when his behaviour was more erratic. My H has also very much withdrawn and therefore it absolutely comes across as stabilizing. And as you mention, with no one else noticing these behaviours from H it makes it easier for us to self doubt.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Those persistent doubts hit again one night this week—what if H really never loved me, what if he was pretending to, pretending to be a different person for the entire M as he seemed to suggest once.
It’s awful how difficult it seems at times to stop their words from hurting us. It also plays into my fears and insecurities around our M and “what if” H never loved me and felt trapped or something. To go from trusting and loving our H’s unconditionally to allowing their crisis and behaviour to instil doubt in our M’s and in our minds/hearts is an awful feeling that I absolutely still struggle with.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Just because they elicit strong feelings in me doesn't make them true. They are just things I am afraid of. They are only beliefs if I give them that power. I might have to sit with them for a bit before I can see them for what they are, and it may be uncomfortable, but I don't have to base my actions on them.
So insightful! I found myself doing the same thing for quite a period of time. Feeling like I had to react to everything I found, or anything he said. Only in the last little while am I coming to peace with doing things on my a OWN timeline and not letting him scare me into any action. I am not purposely stalling his ask for me to get a L....but I am taking my time and doing my research and I will proceed when I am ready not because he wants this yesterday. This is a much better mind set for me than running around letting fear control me. This takes a conscious effort for me every day.
I LOVE that you made plans for Valentine’s Day and the reinforcement we get from our friends is invaluable isn’t it? I am thinking of going away for a long weekend...total 180 for me. We’ll see. Can’t wait to hear about your special dessert and the flowers!
Yes the total lack of empathy and hurtful words from our MLC spouses cut deep into the soul. It's been said before I'm sure, but we on this board are just a little bit luckier than most because we have found an awesome support mechanism to help cope. I feel bad for all those who have failed to recognize MLC in their spouse because of the lack of resources we on this board have at our finger tips. Even with your struggles you are doing awesome and your words give strength and solace to others, me included. One thing I have been doing before bed and first thing in the morning is meditating with the help of Solfeggio frequencies. Could be just a placebo effect but I find it creates space inside of me to absorb some of the BS my MLC wife will throw at me.
Kindly! Thanks for dropping by, and for sharing your own experience here in response to my musings. It's always somehow comforting to know I am not the only one with these doubts and fears. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable being on your own timeline and not always poised to react to something your H does. That's an awful feeling; I know it. Once I met with another L to get a bit more info on the D process, and I realized I would not be rushed into any decisions, I've been able to feel less controlled by fear too. Fear of the unknown.
I did take stock this week as I realized it has been six weeks of no movement on D and continued kind behavior. Well, considering he last told me in November he wanted to move on with his life and would file before the holidays, longer on that first one. I met with both my IC and coach in the last two weeks, so taking stock and recapping was a natural result of updating them. I realize I'm able to relax at the end of every week that is status quo on both counts and then prepare myself for a new one. It's not at the top of my mind throughout the week, but I know it's not the best practice to be measuring weeks by D progress or not. I know I feel strangely self-satisfied when I "make it" through another week without papers, and I also know I have nothing to do with that, so why feel satisfaction? It's not in my control! I know there is no point in asking, Why hasn't he? I know it. But the fact is, he can, and he hasn't. For whatever reason or non-reason.
I did feel my anxiety rise a bit today when he didn't leave at his normal time for work. I thought, Is he going to the courthouse? But then he told me about another appointment he had. I wasn't panicking, but I did feel some relief: ah, okay, you've got another normal day ahead of you. Enjoy it.
So I'm still working to keep expectations at zero. But I do know I seem to approach each week as a question mark rather than an exclamation point. I try to keep my focus on the present. I try to be more curious than anxious.
I had fun devoting one of my days off to baking projects. First, cinnamon rolls, even though I slept in later than I expected. H shared some doughnuts with me and told me about the shop he'd got them from. I thanked him and enjoyed a few bites. I ate a cinnamon roll for lunch (yes, the perfect weekend lunch!) and offered H one. He hadn't eaten anything I'd made for months, so I wasn't surprised when he didn't take one. I, however, very much enjoyed mine.
Then onto a chocolate caramel cake and making caramel for the first time, watching the sugar go from white to translucent, to golden, then a dark amber. In the evening after I'd assembled the cake and enjoyed my dinner, I let H know he was welcome to have a slice. I was delighted that he took one later in the evening. Try to resist this amazing cake! Ha. Totally not reading anything into that, just glad he felt comfortable enough to have a piece, and, you know, there's some bakerly satisfaction there too.
I shared some cake with friends and am still doing some window shopping to see what kind of flowers I might buy for myself this weekend. Roses aren't my favorite, but of course they're everywhere.
I didn't have time to post yesterday but read through others' posts, and it really warmed my heart to see so many people reaching out and so many people here soothing, encouraging, listening. Aurora, it is as you say, awesome, this community. Thank you for your words of encouragement on my thread. It appears you are doing well, yourself!
Kindly, have you thought any more about weekend plans?
Cinnamon rolls!! After Yail's brunch and now you're making them... I want to try this. I have a sourdough starter I keep in my fridge and love baking bread when I have the time, but it is like a full day affair. You can proof the cinnamon rolls in the fridge overnight, right? So it doesn't suck up your whole day? Maybe a project for this weekend for me!
Originally Posted by cardinal
In both instances, I was able to eventually say to myself: Wait. These are all fears that I have. They are not necessarily rational. Just because they elicit strong feelings in me doesn't make them true. They are just things I am afraid of. They are only beliefs if I give them that power. I might have to sit with them for a bit before I can see them for what they are, and it may be uncomfortable, but I don't have to base my actions on them.
This is wonderful... I don't remember if you've tried meditating? If not it might be helpful for you to further explore this, being able to sit with a feeling or a fear or a thought and observing it, not letting it take over, but understanding it and letting it pass. (Full disclosure, I went to the psychologist today, referred after my primary care doc did my STI panel and wanted me to talk to the behavioral health specialist. It was fine, I think they were mostly screening for depression or anxiety, but her prescription to me was to meditate for 5 minutes every day before I go to sleep. I was hoping for sleeping pills but guess you can't have everything But anyway, we talked a lot about meditation and I think it can be incredibly helpful and I'm convinced to simply MAKE TIME for this practice this week.)
Originally Posted by cardinal
So I'm still working to keep expectations at zero. But I do know I seem to approach each week as a question mark rather than an exclamation point. I try to keep my focus on the present. I try to be more curious than anxious.
I love this too, focus on being curious and approaching each week with a question mark. I am approaching this week with a "-" -- not really curious or anxious at the moment, just am. But I think curiosity is such an empowering and wonderful trait.
Here's my question to you-- are there other things you are curious about besides what your H's deal is? Can you explore those? It seems like you're doing a great job exploring the boundaries of your R with him and yourself-- initiating sex being one of those-- and in focusing on things you know and love, like a date with a good friend for V day and baking. What about something really different that you're just curious about? Like for me, I'm totally obsessed with viral epidemics. (I know. Weird. But my college roommate and I have been obsessed since we both read the Hot Zone in college and have been texting each other nonstop since this whole coronavirus thing started.) I know all about Ebola and the Spanish Flu (did you know healthy-seeming people got on the train in Manhattan and were dead by the time they got to their stop on Long Island???) and so am totally feeding this weird fun obsession by digging into the coronavirus stuff. I don't know-- watch a Netflix documentary on something you've always been interested in but haven't had the time, pick up a book in a different genre than you usually read... just feed your curiosity in another vein that has nothing to do with your R.
HUGS!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Like for me, I'm totally obsessed with viral epidemics. (I know. Weird. But my college roommate and I have been obsessed since we both read the Hot Zone in college and have been texting each other nonstop since this whole coronavirus thing started.) I know all about Ebola and the Spanish Flu (did you know healthy-seeming people got on the train in Manhattan and were dead by the time they got to their stop on Long Island???) and so am totally feeding this weird fun obsession by digging into the coronavirus stuff. I don't know-- watch a Netflix documentary on something you've always been interested in but haven't had the time, pick up a book in a different genre than you usually read... just feed your curiosity in another vein that has nothing to do with your R.
May- that is really weird that you’re into viral epidemics. Lol!!! I live in Asia now and of course the virus thing is all over the news here everyday. Our school has been suspended until March. Teachers are asking parents to prepare masks for the kids when we return to school. Are you into conspiracy theories regarding the spread of certain viruses also? There’s been some interesting ones regarding Coronavirus as well...
Anyways, I like your idea of focusing one’s curiosity on something other than H. I can’t seem to finish even one book for the life of me these days. By the time 10pm rolls around I just want to pass out. That’s what a house full of boys will do to ya!
Cardinal- you sound like an awesome baker. I wish I was better at baking. I know the simple stuff- cookies..muffins.. but beyond that I’d just go to the store. Ha! I do find cooking in general is quite healing though. Especially when you have people whom you love to share it with. My friends and I always pass around our food to each other when we happen make extra. Or sometimes we even cook together to make a big batch of something. I love receiving and giving food!
may22 - pandemic nerd here too - with an extensive medical and molecular biochemistry background. Stop by my thread anytime if you want to talk coronavirus statistics. I've been making back-of-the-envelope guesstimate calculations for a couple of weeks and a couple of days ago a study was published with all kinds of fancy math that came to the same conclusion I had!
I've also been sewing cloth face masks in my spare time.
may, you should totally make cinnamon rolls! The recipe I've been using lately is the King Arthur Flour "Cinna-Buns" one, which is online. You can proof the dough, roll it out, and refrigerate the rolls overnight so they're all ready to bake in the morning. I would just set them out for a bit before you bake them, so that they can get back to room temp--looks like the recipe suggests setting them out for an hour, covered. I love bread but haven't ever tried baking sourdough. Maybe that's in my future! I loved reading about Yali's breakfast and dinner plans.
wooba, cookies and muffins are the best, especially when you want (nearly) immediate satisfaction. Baking and cooking together/for each other is something I really miss, since it was a big part of my and H's relationship, but I'm glad I can still find joy in doing it for myself and finding others to share it with. Receiving and giving food is the best.
Oh boy, viral epidemics/pandemics! Have you read Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel? It's more about the aftermath of a pandemic, but I remember really enjoying that book. That fact you shared, may, about healthy-seeming people not making it off the train is so... amazing! And scary, of course. kml, maybe you can supply all of us with your face masks? Are you not a little freaked out at all, wooba? Stay healthy!
I do love your question, though, may. I tend to think I know all of my interests, curiosities, and passions, but it's completely true that I could discover new ones at any moment. I will keep thinking about the question for sure. I'm a writer and usually a huge reader, but I haven't been drawn to fiction like I normally would be... that part of me is on hold for now. Sometimes that makes me sad, but I know it will return. Maybe what I need is to search for more nonfiction books that will pique my curiosity. I did just get the Nagoski book and am excited to start that. I'd also like to read more graphic novels.
I don't remember if you've tried meditating? If not it might be helpful for you to further explore this, being able to sit with a feeling or a fear or a thought and observing it, not letting it take over, but understanding it and letting it pass.
I wanted to reply to this too. I have taken maybe one meditation class in the past and had a very irregular practice for a bit, so I know that it can[ become a practice again, if I really make the effort to do it. I like the idea of just 5 minutes a day. DnJ's writing on fear, thoughts, and emotions has helped me start to understand how I can work to feel more empowered in the face of my fears and emotions. Rather than just letting them repeat in my head, I am now trying to take the time to pause and ask what is rational or irrational, where do they come from, all of that. Meditation, to me, is the other part of that--after I've done a bit of work to see my fears or feelings from different angles, then perhaps when they return, I can more calmly observe and let them pass. No analyzing needed. My IC also pointed out that it's a great way to just practice being present if I find myself skipping ahead to the unknown future or back to the past: What is happening now around me? Let me know how this meditation practice goes for you, may.
I'm still finding myself cycling through questions like, How can he view our entire M so negatively? Reliving little bits of BDs from time to time, questioning how this person became this other person who is now my roommate. How weird it still is to not talk about what either of us is thinking or feeling, how quickly he removed what intimacy we did have in favor of acting like acquaintances. Where did all those years go? It feels like we are both pretending they didn't happen. I think it might be time for me to re-read DR, go back to the basics.
I'm trying to talk myself through some spinning. It's the unknown logistical stuff that I have the hardest time with! I've been working on tracking my expenses so I can get an idea of how much I'm spending on groceries, gas, etc. on my own, and starting to document household bills that we pay, since most of that has been H's doing. It's scary to see the first month's total, not so much because of my personal spending, but because I have to imagine being responsible for the household bills on one income—car insurance, utilities, health insurance, which I can't really calculate at this point in time. I already know it will be difficult to pay for housing and other basic living expenses based on my current wages and spousal support, which is why I've been focusing on applying for better jobs, but it's scary to see numbers in a spreadsheet. The cost of living here is high.
I also happened to see a fairly normal purchase H has made in our account, but it's a concrete reminder that I don't know where he is when he's gone. It seems like there's so little I know about his life now. It's a reminder I have no control over what he decides to do, and it's a reminder of the ways a D would affect my life, in terms of having to be financially independent, in terms of paperwork and all that. Here's where my anxiety kicks in, and I'm carried along by thinking about the unknown future--what if I can't get a job? All the way to, Should I change my name back?
So I realize all of this is fear-driven. I'm trying to stay in the present and remind myself I'm doing all I can to find a different job, we are still sharing expenses, he hasn't filed, who knows what will happen. It's all fear of the unknown again, of the what-ifs. It's being confronted with the fact that I don't have the control over my life that I thought I did pre-BD. But in the darkest pit of the spinning, it always comes back to the fact that I don't know what he's thinking and planning, that I don't know when/IF, trying to stay in IF, he might file.
To have such big question marks in both my work and personal life right now is, as you can tell, a challenge for me. Ha. Understatement. The old me would have been in a constant state of anxiety, but I feel like moving through heightened bursts of it like this is a slight improvement. I am preparing as best I can for what is unknown. I don't need to get ahead of myself. I'm scrambling to solve problems on the route, before I've even reached the problem! Apparently I have a fear of lack of preparation, too?
But anyway, we talked a lot about meditation and I think it can be incredibly helpful and I'm convinced to simply MAKE TIME for this practice this week.)