I’m desperate to save this thing. This is about to get interesting. I highly recommend the book by Phil DeLuca to anyone who thinks there is a pattern of pursuit and withdraw circling their relationship.
Hi Scott, one book focused 100% on attachment styles (e.g., anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant, secure) is Attached by Levine and Heller. Anxious and Avoidant styles have in common that they're both insecure attachments. I've bounced between them, but am more Secure now than I was eight months ago.
Progress is definitely possible with awareness and effort.
With the reading I’ve done on the message board related to the pursuit - distancer dance, I’m just wondering if my wife is going through a MLC or if she is a pursuer at the complete end of her rope. According to the book, if she is a pursuer at the end of her rope then giving her space could backfire. All of this stuff is so confusing. I feel like some of it has to be left to God.
Years ago i read Hold Me Tight and remember thinking that if my wife had become unattached with the EA then I was in real trouble. I’m not sure she ever “re-attached” after that and in the book the author made the point the once someone truly detaches they never come back.
That’s another spot i get confused sometimes when people on here talk about detaching. Anyhow, the link on Pursuer- Distancer was interesting. I’ll continue to read it.
I believe that author was talking about disengaging completely. That's different than healthy, loving detachment. Google self differentiation in marriage for a better idea of what we refer to here by detaching.
Scott, most of us go through the "giving her time and space can't work" feelings. By all means if you think your sitch is the 0.001% where pursuit, pressure, romance and courting can work, then go for it. But you better be pretty close to 100% sure about that or you'll end up D'd faster than you could imagine.
Trust the process.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/15/2004:35 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My mind just cycles on this stuff. I’m thinking about the last four years and all that I’ve tried to do and nothing has worked. All the counseling I’ve set up. All the changes I’ve tried to make.
Also the trips that i wanted to take her on that she wouldn’t go on or the spoiled trip we took, because the OM was texting her.
I’m starting to think that being able to go back and reread my own thread is going to be helpful to watch how I bounce around from one spot to the next.
Detachment would seem to make sense and be the only way forward. Loving detachment, I guess.
I shouldn’t schedule anything else for us, obviously. (We have a date that was scheduled tonight before the divorce bomb drop that we are going on and we have a theater show in May and June).
We should probably split those tickets and take a friend instead. That makes my heart hurt a ton to even think about.
We have two family trips planned. One is a week long spring break in April. The other is an overnight trip to watch a sports event. At the moment I’m planning to keep those.
May/June are a ways off and anything can happen. Focus on today and allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do what works and if something isn't working right now, don't do it again. Detachment is something that is difficult for all who come here, but eventually people understand that it is not for the person who is left, but for us, i.e., to help us learn how to react/not react to the things they say or do.
Here's the deal, if you want to ask her to go do something, put it out there and allow her to make the decision as to whether or not to go....but your expectations have to be zero. I would plan activities for myself and give her some space and time. You might be surprised and discover that she will pursue you if you just go on about your business. Right now, to me, you are the pursuer, Step back, give her the space she needs and definitely focus on you and more importantly, focus on today as it is a gift and should not be wasted.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish there was a like button for Jobs message. The tone is so focused on living in the present and being true to myself while respecting my spouse. Things I need to remind myself. Thank you.
I’m thinking about the last four years and all that I’ve tried to do and nothing has worked. All the counseling I’ve set up. All the changes I’ve tried to make.
Also the trips that i wanted to take her on that she wouldn’t go on or the spoiled trip we took, because the OM was texting her.
Trying all this to win her back is pursuit and pressure. Even if you think you were being subtle. Guaranteed she has seen through all of it.
The only thing you haven't tried is not trying! That the power of DBing. When you GAL (which I think you see failing at miserably), make changes so you can be the best person you can be (and not changing just to manipulate her back), and detach (detachment is not looking over your shoulder to see if she is reacting), then you really start to have a profound effect on your own self! And when you do so this for you, sometimes the WAS will wonder what's different and come sniffing around.
As I told another poster this week. In my sitch when I started DBing well my W got curious about what was different. Curiosity turned into interest. Interest turned into feelings. Feelings turned into desire. Desire turned into attraction. That's what DBing for yourself, moving on with your life for real had the power to do.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night was really great. Third weekend in a row we had plans, went out together, and had a lot of fun. We went to dinner at a very nice restaurant, shared a bottle of win, laughed and talked. She mentioned how she began to go numb to her feelings back when her life was threatened in pregnancy 8 years ago or so. I tried to steer away from relationship talk.
The show was good. It was very hard not to reach out to hold her hand or put my hand on her knee and I felt like she wanted me to but that was probably in my head. We got home and went to sleep and i just said Happy Valentines Day, which may have been mild pursuit, but I did not say I love you, which I don’t plan to say again at this point.
I didn’t take my melatonin and sleep was a struggle from 4am in but i tried to just stay in bed and get whatever rest I could because I need it. Today the whole family is planning to go to a friends birthday party. It’s karioke and video games. I really feel like I could shine in that arena. Or I could stay home and let them go, work out, and do this weeks grocery shopping. I’d prefer to go to the party with the family but I can feel the anxiety building which I can relieve when i workout.
Off to church with the family now and then on to family breakfast. As Job said, focus on the present and enjoy the moment.
There is where you have to be careful right now. A huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she is going to be more relaxed now which can make you think she’s having doubts. After my ex filed we went to a kids birthday that Saturday and she acted completely normal. It was weird.
I’ve always said your sitch is like mine. Are you familiar with enneagram personality traits? Well I’m a 7 and she was a 3. 7s are the life of the party. You would think that could be a good thing right? Nope. I was told by my counselor that she is probably jealous of the attention I get which builds resentment.
Part of losing her identity of being LHs wife.
This is why most of this is $hit there going through.
It’s insightful that you point out she’s probably relaxed some because mediation is scheduled and moving forward. That doesn’t make me feel very good but probably very true. I want to drop some expletives on that. Glad I just got to the gym.
