Dovegirl, you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop: There is another woman. Be prepared. AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.
I do not tell you this to freak you out, but to prepare you. We've seen many DBers that do a great job at starting to DB well, and then let it all go by the wayside the minute they find out there is an A.
A or no A, your job is the same. Give him time and space. Focus on you. Go out and GAL. 180 on any bad behavior. And work on detachment.
Buckle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Newbie, assume the worst, hope for the best.
As the vets around here like to say, there is ALWAYS another person. Even if it is just a fantasy of another person.
Points still stands, she need to brace for it. I've yet to see a happily married man with in a good marriage, just up and leave his marriage "just cuz".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Newbie, with all due respect, you are the rare exception. The OP has already said there are inappropriate text messages and she believes there's an EA on the table. EA's are dangerous things just as MWD explains in her books. People leave marriages over the fantasy they promise. My husband was a leader in the community. He was a leader at church. A family man. I was floored that he was capable of having an affair (I was naive). Looking back, the signs were everywhere. But I didn't know what to look for, and didn't see anything.
In my opinion, I wish someone would have been as brutally honest with me at the beginning. I didn't have a place like this. So instead, I made excuses for his behavior and wanted to believe it wasn't a long term A or that he didn't really love her, and accepted him rewriting history and placing the blame on me. What I would have given for someone to open my eyes to reality. To show me the patterns. I would advise the OP to take Steve's advice and if it is wrong and there is no OW, then fantastic! That's a relief.
Preparation is a gift.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Mine wasn't happy but it was career related and he chose me to blame for it. I held him back somehow . Still haven't figured that one out. He made vague mentions of "meeting new people" after D but I kind of laughed at that one. Right. I know the OP has ample reason to believe there is something going on. That is a dead cold dealbreaker for me. I'm gone.
Oceangirl, I don't disagree with you at all. Affairs, emotional or whatever, are a dealbreaker for me personally. Make your choice ... if it's her, seeya. And by the way, hand over your wallet before you leave (figuratively, cause I'll be gunning for it in court)
Steve said the same thing to me-- brace yourself for a PA. I thought, no way, 99.9% it is not a PA. And then... surprise! it was.
Honestly, I was and am very grateful to Steve and others on this board for helping prepare me for the other shoe to drop. Dovegirl, even if it isn't a PA, I do think it is helpful to be prepared. And once you start thinking about the possibility, I think it can also help with detaching and focusing on you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Steve is right, pretty much every situation involves a PA, EA or IA. In the absence of a physical or emotional affair, there's inevitably an imaginary one and those are the most difficult of all to compete with because the affair can be whatever fantasy the WAS wants to imagine. I can't remember who the poster was but there was a guy here whose wife was engaged in an IA with a celebrity. She actually planned to move closer to him and was trying to engineer ways to get herself in front of him thinking they were soulmates and he would immediately swoon if only he could see her!
I was one of the many here who was convinced there was no OP. Then I had to take some mail over to W's place and swung by at 6am before work to put them in her mailbox and there was a truck in the drive belonging to a "close friend" (someone I knew) she worked with. Yeah.
I promise, there wasn't an OP. I have my ways of knowing, let's just say that. That doesn't mean he didn't fantasize about it - I have no way of knowing that. But nothing happened.
Dovegirl, you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop: There is another woman. Be prepared. AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.
I do not tell you this to freak you out, but to prepare you. We've seen many DBers that do a great job at starting to DB well, and then let it all go by the wayside the minute they find out there is an A.
A or no A, your job is the same. Give him time and space. Focus on you. Go out and GAL. 180 on any bad behavior. And work on detachment.
Buckle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I hear what you are saying. Right after he left I was absolutely convinced there was an OW. But....let me just say it's looking like maybe that's not be the case. I think at this point, it's the idea of being with someone else. I guess that's what people are referring to as a fantasy?
