*quietly raises hand..... I do not feel powerless doing it though. I don’t prioritize his stuff either. This laundry thing is not big on my list. Haha!! If I had to choose one thing that I’m not doing to take back power....would be to stop listening to his rant about work. Not sure how I’d go about that though. We already don’t talk very much.
Wooba, OK! You do you! As long as you are cool with it and aren't doing it out of a desire to keep connected or show your value or whatever. Do you fold it too??? And that time really, truly couldn't be better spent watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun eating chips and guacamole? Just checking On the not listening to the work rant stuff, that is harder. Does it make you feel badly when you have to listen to it? Can you identify what about that makes you feel powerless and act on those smaller things without stopping listening to him entirely?
Originally Posted by wooba
Originally Posted by may22
Choose one thing you want to do just for you that he would HATE. Do it and take childish pleasure in it. (This is my pettiness coming out. but it helps.)
What do you do may?? I am curious!
Ha ha, I'm not sure I want to say because you guys will all like my H even less now (and maybe me too)... but for instance I fed the kids toast with Nutella (just a little bit) for breakfast because he totally disapproves, but in fact the amount of sugar in a tiny sheen of Nutella is not all that big of a deal. I *did* throw out the comforter I know he liked and bought a new one just like one I'd had before and he'd convinced me to ditch but I always loved (and I f-ing LOVE my new sheets. I love them every time I get in my bed. That was so worthwhile.) I bought the kids fish and a fish tank and they are super messy when they feed the fish and I know seeing the fish food all over the bathroom counter kills him. (TBH it bothers me too. I might regret that one.) One week when he was gone, I let the house go to a total disaster zone all week with stuff everywhere and the kitchen a total wreck which would drive him berserk. I actually cleaned that up before he got home, but all week long I felt like a teenage rebel and loved it. He also hates stuff on the kitchen counter, so I used to put my coffee grinder away between uses. I left it out (which is waaay more convenient and he hasn't said a word). When he was away the weekend before last and the girls and I stayed at a hotel, I gave the girls a "yes" day where I said yes to everything, which included some significant swathes of watching TV in the middle of the day, which he would totally disapprove of, and I said "yes!" merrily and we watched cartoons and ate goldfish and cuddled. It was awesome.
Anyway. That probably all sounds ridiculous and I'm sure fuels speculation about what is wrong with me or H or our R, but it is all true. My H hates messiness and sugar and TV (for the kids) and I have definitely gotten some stupid enjoyment out of some of this. I will also say that earlier on in our sitch I was the opposite, I kept the kitchen extra spic and span when I was cooking so that he wouldn't look at it and get annoyed. Now I cut that all out. I do generally keep the kitchen clean because I am not, in fact, an 18 year old boy and do prefer it clean... but I'm doing it for me, not out of some desire to make him like me again. And the weirdest thing is all these pet peeves I've had with him (mostly around him being a giant hypocrite, like he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink when he's working from home and yet if I were to do the same he'd flip)-- now if I get home and there are his dirty dishes in the sink, 7 times out of 10 he'll pop over to the kitchen as soon as I come home and take care of them. The other three times I might just do them because I'm feeling nice. We had definitely fallen into this tit-for-tat R with household chores and that is now mostly gone, but I don't know if any of this had anything to do with that.
HesAble, sorry to hijack your thread.... how are you feeling about all of this? What GAL activity did you choose today?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Ok, it's a bit different from this side of the fence, where I am fully divorced and have no connection to XW.
BUT I wear lipstick nearly every day. XW hated lipstick. It brings me great joy, so in that way it is my little "FU" to the world.
She also suggested I had too many shoes (in all honesty - at the time I did). So now everytime I buy new shoes I get REALLY excited. More pumps for Yail.
She also suggested I had too many shoes (in all honesty - at the time I did). So now everytime I buy new shoes I get REALLY excited. More pumps for Yail.
hahaha I keep a good percentage of my nice shoes under my desk at work so no-one has to know how many pairs I actually own.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
This was my go-to move. I had about 4 or 5 pair at work that XW "didn't know about". This was how I got around her stating I had to many (even after she purchased me a very large shoe closet).
I continue the tradition. Currently about 7 pair at work in my desk. I sometimes rotate between meetings just because I can.
Happy V Day everyone! So much has been happening but I have made a lot of progress with GALing, 180ing and most of all detaching. H made some disheartening and disappointing statements to me this week that confirmed our marriage is dead and, as far as he is concerned, can never be resuscitated. This was like a second BD because he mentioned D again. Well, I am tired of fighting to show him that the marriage is worth saving (he says he no longer loves me) so I am completely detaching, am not at all interested in marriage counseling anymore (not that he would go), and do not plan to engage in intimate activities with him anymore.
He has pretty much irreparably harmed our relationship unless he makes some drastic changes quickly. He does not deny there is an OW and I have to put up some serious boundaries. At this point, I am not feeling love for him either.
I do not plan to get into another relationship as he has done (he is not denying it), but I am open to talking to and befriending other guys at this point. I enjoy Male company quite frankly but will not engage in adultery for religious reasons.
I told H that we should separate at this point. I still need to see the lawyer to get information about my rights.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/14/2006:44 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Thanks for the update-- I have been thinking about you! It sounds like you're mentally in a good place (isn't detaching the best??) and I'm really glad for you. IIRC it will very much be in your own financial best interest to separate-- I think that is a good move to see the L and protect yourself. It doesn't close any doors to the future, should things change.
Embrace the strong and assertive side of yourself and use those amazing qualities to do what needs to be done. Also, don't forget to keep taking time for yourself-- you need it and deserve it.
Hoping you are going to do something fun with your kids today and start a new V day tradition!!
(((HUGS))) we are here for you, HesAble.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
HesAble, you sound calm and collected and in touch with what you want for you right now. Assert those boundaries with your actions and continue focus on GAL activities, whether they're at home or out. Love to you and your kids!
H is out tonight and will likely not even come home (not surprised since he did not even deny there is an OW when I confronted him about it after 2nd BD). I am so done with his antics. I'm not sure if he is purposely trying but he sure knows how to zap the love out of a person. I would be lying if I said I love him right now (other than the Christian love I would have for any random person).
The kids and I are just hanging out tonight but we may take a short trip tomorrow. I had to work late and am exhausted. Several friends, both male and female, have sent me V Day wishes. I did not get around to spoiling myself like I had planned, but it is never too late. I owe myself some chocolate covered strawberries and prosecco.
I do feel like I have taken some power back by establishing these boundaries. I have to protect myself emotionally and physically. I told H I think we should separate, but he prefers getting the D without separating. If he files, I will deal with that then. In the meantime, I am just making the best of every moment that I can.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/15/2012:59 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I have rosè and truffles. Let’s drink and eat chocolate together!
But as a side note you sound the most calm and collected that I’ve seen. I’m sorry things are going this way for you but you are so much stronger than you think. You have those babies and yourself. You got this.
I have not seen H since yesterday morning. He did not come home last night. And I am at peace with my decision to completely detach from him and move forward without him at this point. In my view, H is dead to me and an alien monster has invaded his body and moved into my basement.
My BFF was seriously surprised that he would stay out on Valentine's Day, but I am not. With what I have seen the past 3 months, I know I am dealing with a mentally unstable MLC Monster who has absolutely no moral compass. And to think that he tried to be intimate with me after the second BD earlier this week. I don't need this chaos! Detaching and choosing joy to the extent that being joyful in the midst of his crisis is possible.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/15/2005:34 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I do not feel powerless doing it though. I don’t prioritize his stuff either. This laundry thing is not big on my list. Haha!! If I had to choose one thing that I’m not doing to take back power....would be to stop listening to his rant about work. Not sure how I’d go about that though. We already don’t talk very much. 
On the not listening to the work rant stuff, that is harder. Does it make you feel badly when you have to listen to it? Can you identify what about that makes you feel powerless and act on those smaller things without stopping listening to him entirely?