Got lazy apparently... knowing my husband has a high need for physical touch and making myself make that a priority, then life gets busy and it falls to the side.
I stopped exercising gained 25lb so when he went to hug me I would feel he was pointing out my flaws and realistically he sometimes did. So I would pull away out of embarrassment and he would go to bed with a broken heart. I didn't registrar that his heart was broken.
We work opposite shifts - he is 3rd with a 2hr commute and I'm first... so his evening is my morning and my evening is when he is waking up. I'm not a morning person. He would come home and want attention and I'm just trying to get my coffee and get my butt to work. I would come and try to give him some affection but not as consistently as I should. Often times I'm rushing to get home to get him up and ready for work... given its his morning he is groggy.
And, as before this all builds up under his skin until he's completely done before we discuss anything like hurt feelings. Today he says he is leaving and filing separation. If I don't agree we go right to divorce.
Of course I want another chance to be the wife he fell in love with and married. He says he is too devastated. He can't put himself through the possibility of agreeing and getting hurt again. He stated to me that if he went and screwed around apologized and begged forgiveness and then would just keep doing it - I wouldn't try again. He has a valid point.
I would like him to put aside filing for separation - even for a little bit.
We got him a nice Harley to compensate for his long commute at the last rift in our marriage. Harley season is around the corner... if he just got out riding it might help a little with this funk he is in right now.
How do I suggest we just give each other space without the filing without begging?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So managed to save my marriage a few years ago.....Got lazy apparently...... Today he says he is leaving and filing separation.... If I don't agree we go right to divorce....
Sorry to hear this.
Quote
How do I suggest we just give each other space without the filing without begging?
Do not resist. Agree with him that you believe a separation is needed. Actions speak louder than words. LRT might be needed.
Last time he was really on the fence... thinking about things... not sure.
This time he says it legal separation so he can still provide health insurance for my and my son and after 2yr divorce.
He is trying to make it sound like he is looking out for me and not leaving me financially unable to handle everything but that if I don't agree to separation he will go straight to divorce.
We had dinner tonight. I ultimately asked if there was any other way to handle this other than separation. He said no. I clearly stated I did not want to separate and I wanted another chance... Oh dear god its like I'm a newb... :-(
I know I am supposed to validate but he seems so set this time... he is dead inside.
I have neglected him terribly and he won't allow me to make it up.
So he came home today and wanted to talk finances and how he will work this out with me...
I'm giving up my health care coverage and my financial future and I just stood my ground. I have to take care of me. I suggested we stay married and he move out with out a legal separation agreement... he refused and said we will go right to divorce. He said he would walk away from the house and give 70K... but I'm still without healthcare and my financial future is still at risk. I am older than he is.
I didn't want this talk today... I wanted to give him a few days of space and cool off.
What this boils down to is a text I sent as a joke on Friday night... I fell asleep and didn't get his response. He took it to mean that I wasn't trusting him to be where he said he was... I knew he was at his moms... that is what I was joking...
I said I had two free mornings to spend with him and he is spending it with his mother.
Lord help me he took it all out of context... that hurt him enough that he took every past hurt and just lumped them together.
I told him how sorry I was and how I understood how it could have been mis-read but that I trusted he was at his mother's. When he asked why I knew that I replied he would not ever lie to me like that.
I told him I was still the tactile, affectionate, passionate girl he married... we are just both working too much... I'm still here and I can make things better with him.
He said he is too broken inside from all the hurt... he dug up past hurts that honestly should have been let go long ago but I know when you are really hurting you just grab all from past experience.
He started to cry. He said he had to fix himself. He would not ever expose himself to hurt from me ever again. I would never get the chance.
He got up because I'm sure he did not want me to see him cry. Crying is not a good thing... it just reinforces to him how much I have broken him.
He left without a word to me. He had gotten a call during our talk and told whoever it was not a good time. I would guess its a realtor as he is looking to move out. He probably left to return the call, run some errands and possibly call his attorney.
I know he doesn't want to hurt me or leave me where I can't take care of myself... he isn't evil.
I tried to validate as much as I could but I also had to stand up for myself. I didn't ask where he was going. I wanted too... wanted to know who was on the phone and where he was off too. Normally I would ask but I refrained.
Its been a really long day... my H works nights so he is sleeping.
I went out to lunch with old family.
Now back home and its quiet. In 3 1/2hr he will be up and he said he would like dinner but I'm sure we will sit in silence to eat as he will be tired and groggy.
I will be pleasant and positive. I will smile. I will not ask questions. After dinner I will retreat to another room and leave him to what he needs to do to leave for work. Perhaps he comes and chats before leaving or perhaps he just heads out.
It will be a long night of not texting... radio silence at home and here. I haven't got much in put and I'm trying my best to start following all the rules again. I've had some hiccups... I was better at this last time. Mostly because last time he really had made up his mind... this time he is resolute.
I want to feel less lonely... anyone???? anyone???? Beuhler???
I still feel like a newbie here, but I want to say I'm sorry you're here and going through this. If he brings up legal S in convo again, is it possible to validate how he feels/why he feels he needs it, but to say you need some time to think about it before you discuss again? That way you're not seeming to fight him on it, and you can take some time to find out what it would mean for you financially, what your options would be as far as health insurance, etc. If, barring the S, you think he will file for D anyway as he says, then you'd still be facing those concerns, right?
Originally Posted by KitCat
He started to cry. He said he had to fix himself. He would not ever expose himself to hurt from me ever again. I would never get the chance.
He got up because I'm sure he did not want me to see him cry. Crying is not a good thing... it just reinforces to him how much I have broken him.
It sounds like did try to validate his feelings here, before he got up. Is that right? It sounds like he's afraid that things won't change, even though you reassure him they will. Nothing you could say would probably convince him at the moment. Maybe right now it's more important for him to just feel like you are hearing him where he is at right now, and acknowledging that he is hurting enough to want to S, even if you don't agree with it.
I'm sure others will be along to offer more advice. Mainly I want to offer support. You're not alone, though you may feel lonely at times!
KC, can you do me a favor? Can you go back and read your "So he came home today and wanted to talk finances and how he will work this out with me..." post again. Slowly. Since you've been here before I'd like to see you reply, after reading it, and tell us what you you feel you did well from a DBing standpoint. Where you could have done better.
I am not doing this because I don't want to help you, but I want to see how much you retained from your last stint with us.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
