I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards waiting for approval and finally got it today. Here's my story. H and I have been married 20 something years. There have been arguments, but mostly a very good marriage. H retired from the military a few years ago and became depressed after retirement. He still works, just no longer activity duty. Even though he's been depressed, our marriage was still decent overall. He was not the type to go out with the guys, he came straight home from work etc. A couple of months ago, I began seeing text messages, social media posts from female coworkers that were pretty personal. We discussed it and he claims nothing is going on. Although it's pretty apparent there's at least an EA going on. Everything is going along fine, then 6 weeks later out of the blue he says he's not happy and is leaving.
11 days into the separation, he sends me an email saying he wants a divorce and doesn't want to "drag things out". My head is spinning. He wrote me a letter and in it was all of the things I've done wrong over the last 20+years. My brain says to not take it personally, but the heart hurts so bad it's hard not to. I know I guilty of a lot of wrong doings, but I've always been faithful to him. I am absolutely crushed.
What do you all think? Is this MLC?
Thank you all for listening. This board is the only thing I've got, as I don't have much RL social support.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You've got a lot of reading and learning to do. Your husband is rewriting history to justify to himself what he is doing. Common. Mine did that too. I think they all do.
Your first move is to stay calm. Don't take any of what he said personally. Don't demean yourself by begging, pleading or trying to reason with him. If he wants to file for divorce, tell him you disagree but will not stop him, but are not going to do anything to help. And drag it out as long as you can. Get an attorney and tell the attorney you want him/her to slow walk and delay everything. Then you start your divorcebusting (get the book). Especially read about the Last Resort Technique. The more you can follow those steps precisely the better you will do.
Really, stay calm. I just went through this ordeal myself and I won. Mine was pretty gone too at BD but time has a way of turning things around.
There's one thing I heard over and over: "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they're going to is better." Most of the time, "better" is a fantasy. Half the battle is to wait out the fantasy.
Focus on you and your personal growth through this most difficult time. Things that work are almost always counter-intuitive. The more you feel like you shouldn't do something, usually indicates that you should do it. Also, the more you feel like doing something, most likely you should not do it. This is an emotional issue that needs to be addressed with logic.
Do you have kids? If so ages?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Like Newbie said, don’t take what your H is saying personally. I know it’s super hard, but you must learn to detach first. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself (and the kids if any) first.
You've got a lot of reading and learning to do. Your husband is rewriting history to justify to himself what he is doing. Common. Mine did that too. I think they all do.
Your first move is to stay calm. Don't take any of what he said personally. Don't demean yourself by begging, pleading or trying to reason with him. If he wants to file for divorce, tell him you disagree but will not stop him, but are not going to do anything to help. And drag it out as long as you can. Get an attorney and tell the attorney you want him/her to slow walk and delay everything. Then you start your divorcebusting (get the book). Especially read about the Last Resort Technique. The more you can follow those steps precisely the better you will do.
Really, stay calm. I just went through this ordeal myself and I won. Mine was pretty gone too at BD but time has a way of turning things around.
There's one thing I heard over and over: "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they're going to is better." Most of the time, "better" is a fantasy. Half the battle is to wait out the fantasy.
Thank you, Newbie. I like how you phrased that he is rewriting history to justify his actions. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, and I'm strong one minute and then the next minute I start believing that I'm a terrible person.
I did do a little begging the first 2 weeks he was gone. That got me no where, and as of last night, I a cutting off all contact (well as much as possible as we do have children together) because it's just easier than being on that emotional roller coaster I'm on when we run into each other.
Stupid question here...ask the attorney to "slow walk and delay everything" what is the goal there besides the obvious of delaying the end.
May I ask how long yours was gone? Is there a time estimate on how long it takes the fantasy to dissolve into reality?
Thank you again for sharing this information with me.
Focus on you and your personal growth through this most difficult time. Things that work are almost always counter-intuitive. The more you feel like you shouldn't do something, usually indicates that you should do it. Also, the more you feel like doing something, most likely you should not do it. This is an emotional issue that needs to be addressed with logic.
Do you have kids? If so ages?
I don't even know what I feel I should and shouldn't do right now. I'm so confused and my feelings change by the hour. Yes, we do have two teenagers.
Like Newbie said, don’t take what your H is saying personally. I know it’s super hard, but you must learn to detach first. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself (and the kids if any) first.
Thank you wooba. I'll read that thread on detachment that cadet posted.
Every case is different. I personally think the time frame you have to deal with this garbage is positively correlated to the time it takes you to get on the right path; i.e., reclaim your own life, no contact (unless it's business or kid related), no R talks, giving the message that you're not playing the game with them. It takes different people different amounts of time to get there. Some never do. My case did not involve another woman. It was more of a lifestyle fantasy which never happened.
It takes as long as it takes. I know that's not what you want to hear but if you spend your energy getting yourself to a place where you don't "have" to have him anymore, it will go a lot faster.
The point of slow walking a divorce if one is filed is giving that time to happen. Sometimes they die of disinterest. Mine filed for divorce. It isn't happening.
