Hi everyone. Struggling here, sorry in advance for rambling.
My marriage and relationship with my H has always been less than smooth. We live in a foreign country, our personalities are very different, and we also run a small business together. Over the last 6 years, business has been the root of most of our clashes.
I actually came on these forums 10years ago the first time our marriage was in trouble. Caught him possibly cheating, and when confronted him, he wanted to split up. I found these forums and the book. Following the advice in it, managed to save the relationship. Last few years, things were rocky again, and a few months ago, caught him again possibly cheating. I still wanted to try to save our relationship. This time I purchased a few phone consultation sessions (even though I didn't really have the money), and followed the advice. When the sessions ended things were maybe a bit better, but far from okay.
At this stage, we're supposedly trying to put the pieces back together. However, trying to work on this part has not been easy, and I honestly have lost so much trust in him as well, that I am wondering if I want to still proceed with this. He behaves like man-child, is an overspender who avoids talking about money issues, is alcohol-dependent, and keeps friends that enable the bad behaviors that we fought about. I feel like I did my part, tried my best, but am not healing.
I'm feeling particularly sad today. He likes to go out with friends, and when he does that he forgets all about me. Early today, he had said he was thinking of going to movies with me tonight, and now it is past midnight, I am home by myself and he has not even texted to explain why he bailed. I am so angry that I'm here at home, and I am resisting every urge to send him an angry message. On top of it all, it's a day before my birthday.
Look, I get it. I'm supposed to GAL and ignore this. The books say I should go out, find friends, have fun. My problem is that I'm an introvert and going out clubbing, drinking, or socializing has never appealed to me at all. I don't have many friends and I'm not particularly close to family. Socializing is a bit of a nightmare for me, and I don't enjoy it. It sounds crazy, but I think I love working, learning, and being productive. I love doing something that's meaningful or fulfilling to me, which gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Work now is our business, so I have a hard time loving it because it's marred by the problems in our relationship.
So I have been seriously considering that maybe this is all not worth it. I wonder what my life would be like if I have the courage to walk away. I am wondering if I should starting keeping money for myself, get our business running without me, and take up the courage to walk way. I was the one who made the first moves to save our relationships twice. I feel like maybe I should stop trying to do that. If someone asked me what I want, I would probably say to save our marriage. But is what I want good for me? I'm struggling with that now.
I don't know if this is the right place for this. I know most people here are trying to save their relationships. I am truly sorry I'm here asking about the opposite: the courage to consider walking away. I just do not know where else to turn.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Did you actually have a thread of your own 10 years ago? If so, do you recall what your member name may have been? The reason that I am asking is that I only located some of your postings on another poster's thread from way back then. If you had a thread of your own, I was going to locate it and link it to your current thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi, I had a thread before but for reasons of privacy I requested it to be deleted, which mods so kindly did.
The old thread may not be so relevant anymore in any case. Back then I wanted to do anything I could to save things. I don't know that I feel the same.
Look, I get it. I'm supposed to GAL and ignore this. The books say I should go out, find friends, have fun. My problem is that I'm an introvert and going out clubbing, drinking, or socializing has never appealed to me at all. I don't have many friends and I'm not particularly close to family. Socializing is a bit of a nightmare for me, and I don't enjoy it. It sounds crazy, but I think I love working, learning, and being productive. I love doing something that's meaningful or fulfilling to me, which gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Work now is our business, so I have a hard time loving it because it's marred by the problems in our relationship.
I read some good advice here one time that GAL-ing looks different for everyone. I LOVE to learn, so for me, I started taking a bunch of online courses. I started reading books again that interested me. I looked up a class I could take to learn something I wanted to that didn't require teamwork. There is a way to GAL that looks interesting to you. I am not a clubber and I don't drink, so bars are out for me. Arkham, I had lost connection to myself for so long I seriously had to figure out what I wanted to do and what I was interested in. If you read or take courses, you could always do it outside or in a park. I live near the ocean, so I like to take a blanket down to the beach and sit and try to think positive thoughts and feel the wind and watch people and smell the ocean breeze. Just taking a walk can recharge my batteries.
As far as your relationship, I would just accept that for right now you aren't sure what you are going to do, and that's okay. You're right, your H isn't particularly attractive right now. I would have anger build up in me and I finally am learning how to listen to it. Last night, I felt so angry at my husband that I had to go sit in the bathroom before I said something angry or dumb. I had to really think about where my anger was coming from. I realized I was so hurt because he ignored me and focused on the kids. We sat in the same house and he never had a conversation with me, and I am a words person. I sat and put my hand on my heart and sent love to myself. I try to remember he may not choose me or he may abandon me, but I can choose myself and decide not to abandon myself. That's why I am working so hard on detaching. It's the hardest thing for me. When I feel pain and want to lash out at him, I know I still haven't detached. Its hard because it can be so lonely, I want affection so much. But I also know I cannot be dependent on him for my happiness.
I've noticed when I get better at detaching, I usually have a few days where I regress. I think this is because it can be so hard to go out of our comfort zone, so hard to create new habits. We have this old habit of going to them for fulfillment, and I have read that our brains don't actually like to think, they like patterns. So I have to realize what my pattern is and create new "wagon ruts" in my brain for it to follow. It is not easy!
Best of luck. We are all here for you.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I do agree w/oceangirl on Galing. Galing can be many different activities and she's given you quite a few that may be of interest to you. Also, check your area out and see if there are any cooking, art, photography classes available. You might want to try you hand at some of those. Do you enjoy walking? If so, you might want to check out if there is a group that goes walking and/or bird watching. Online classes are great too. Think about what you would like to do and then start searching for those activities. You very well may find them on FB for your area, as well as the local newspaper and also bulletins posted on the boards at grocery stores.
As for money, I would begin to set some aside into a different account just in case things truly go south. Are your credit cards in both names? Time to think about changing that up, i.e., the same w/bank accounts, etc. There is no harm in doing this and if things get better....well, you'll know if you want to have joint accounts again later on.
We all have ups and downs and question whether we are doing the right things, but at the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you. In order to attempt to save your marriage, you have to save yourself first. Any decisions that you make, please make them from a place of calm and not when you are upset or angry. So many times, we see posters say and do things when they are emotional and later on regret what they've done. If you are thinking about doing something and want to bounce it off of someone, come here to do so. We have so many posters who are ready to listen and offer up sage advice/guidance.
If, and when, the time comes, you will know if that is the right time to call it quits.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi, I had a thread before but for reasons of privacy I requested it to be deleted, which mods so kindly did.
The old thread may not be so relevant anymore in any case. Back then I wanted to do anything I could to save things. I don't know that I feel the same.
Actually your old thread was put in a location that only the Admin, Job and myself can read.
It is available to be re-instated but that would be up to you.
Over the last 6 years, business has been the root of most of our clashes.
Why, is it doing poorly? Or just a very stressful business?
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Last few years, things were rocky again, and a few months ago, caught him again possibly cheating. I still wanted to try to save our relationship.
Have you put all your previous efforts back into place?
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At this stage, we're supposedly trying to put the pieces back together.
No, if he's having an affair then you are not piecing.
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However, trying to work on this part has not been easy, and I honestly have lost so much trust in him as well, that I am wondering if I want to still proceed with this.
The trust is very difficult to rebuild after an affair. He should be willing to make his life an open book to you to prove he's no longer cheating, am I right to assume that never happened? He was never held accountable for his actions?
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The books say I should go out, find friends, have fun. My problem is that I'm an introvert and going out clubbing, drinking, or socializing has never appealed to me at all.
Why do so many people think "GAL" means clubbing and drinking? I would argue that those are the LAST things you would want to do! Do productive things that improve your mind, body and soul. Take up yoga, jogging, dancing or lifting weights; build and fly a kite, have a picnic for yourself at a park, go somewhere and read a good book, take a painting or sculpting class, learn a foreign language, volunteer at a homeless shelter, join a group that plays Bridge. Challenge yourself!
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So I have been seriously considering that maybe this is all not worth it. I wonder what my life would be like if I have the courage to walk away. I am wondering if I should starting keeping money for myself, get our business running without me, and take up the courage to walk way.
I would say yes, prepare yourself for that. Then you will have the freedom to choose. You don't want to stay in a dead relationship for the wrong reasons.
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I don't know if this is the right place for this. I know most people here are trying to save their relationships. I am truly sorry I'm here asking about the opposite: the courage to consider walking away. I just do not know where else to turn.
This is a good place for your conversation. We are about saving people above and beyond saving marriages. Often the person must be saved before the M can be.
Hi, I had a thread before but for reasons of privacy I requested it to be deleted, which mods so kindly did.
The old thread may not be so relevant anymore in any case. Back then I wanted to do anything I could to save things. I don't know that I feel the same.
Actually your old thread was put in a location that only the Admin, Job and myself can read.
It is available to be re-instated but that would be up to you.
Let me know.
If it's alright, I'd prefer it stays put away. I don't really want to relive that time of my life, would rather focus on what's going on now. Thank you for giving me the option though.
I read some good advice here one time that GAL-ing looks different for everyone. I LOVE to learn, so for me, I started taking a bunch of online courses. I started reading books again that interested me. I looked up a class I could take to learn something I wanted to that didn't require teamwork. There is a way to GAL that looks interesting to you. I am not a clubber and I don't drink, so bars are out for me. Arkham, I had lost connection to myself for so long I seriously had to figure out what I wanted to do and what I was interested in. If you read or take courses, you could always do it outside or in a park. I live near the ocean, so I like to take a blanket down to the beach and sit and try to think positive thoughts and feel the wind and watch people and smell the ocean breeze. Just taking a walk can recharge my batteries.
I think one of my problems is that I feel unable to GAL. It's partly financial, and it's partly because I'm such an introvert. I don't really have many friends and that's normally fine with me. With our business being so people-oriented, I actually feel like I need time away from people after work is done. I do have some things I'm interested in doing, but that's where the financial part is an issue.
Originally Posted by oceangrl
As far as your relationship, I would just accept that for right now you aren't sure what you are going to do, and that's okay. You're right, your H isn't particularly attractive right now. I would have anger build up in me and I finally am learning how to listen to it. Last night, I felt so angry at my husband that I had to go sit in the bathroom before I said something angry or dumb. I had to really think about where my anger was coming from. I realized I was so hurt because he ignored me and focused on the kids. We sat in the same house and he never had a conversation with me, and I am a words person. I sat and put my hand on my heart and sent love to myself. I try to remember he may not choose me or he may abandon me, but I can choose myself and decide not to abandon myself. That's why I am working so hard on detaching. It's the hardest thing for me. When I feel pain and want to lash out at him, I know I still haven't detached. Its hard because it can be so lonely, I want affection so much. But I also know I cannot be dependent on him for my happiness.
I relate to this a lot. I am also someone who needs to talk things through, and needs affection from the person who I love. He has trouble understanding this it seems.
Originally Posted by oceangrl
I've noticed when I get better at detaching, I usually have a few days where I regress. I think this is because it can be so hard to go out of our comfort zone, so hard to create new habits. We have this old habit of going to them for fulfillment, and I have read that our brains don't actually like to think, they like patterns. So I have to realize what my pattern is and create new "wagon ruts" in my brain for it to follow. It is not easy! Best of luck. We are all here for you.
Thanks. It's a struggle but it helps to have a space to talk it out.
