Wayfarer, everything you say is so right. I guess I’m not wanting to present a needy or desperate side, and I haven’t been doing that I don’t believe. But I have shown my vulnerability, and I have sobbed my heart in front of him. The last time he announced he was leaving I told him calmly that it wasn’t what I wanted but that I would not stand in his way. Within an hour he had started to backtrack. I felt strong. A few days later he found me crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor. And he said when he saw me like that, so vulnerable, it made him want to protect me. So I guess I’m wondering if there needs to be a balance between showing my softer side and my hard outer shell. I feel the emotionless woman with the hard outer shell is what got us into this mess.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Wayfarer, I like the hot-girl-nobody-can-have analogy. That makes sense. Also it makes sense that DBing is not just to try to get the wayward spouse to come back; it is good for us as individuals no matter the outcome of the M. I will keep this in mind.
I have just been wondering because I feel like I was always the tough, super independent type woman ordinarily up until BD and, like Pommy, think that personality of mine may have contributed somewhat to my current M situation. I think it was attractive to H at first but, over time, it may have bruised his ego a bit. He has said numerous times that he did not feel like I was all that into him and that I didn't seem to care much about fixing the M. He doesn't want to fix it now that he has found his new way of life (what I believe to be the mystery OW). In spite of my requests in the past to go to counseling, he has always refused (even pre-marital and after the last bout of confirmed infidelity).
Last edited by HesAble; 02/10/2005:32 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I'm a very guarded person because of my past. H knows that. But i'm guarded not shut down. Being strong and being hard are very different things. I'm not saying never cry in front of them. That's my own person bs trying to never let H see me cry. There are a lot of talks on my thread about vulnerability and gauging how much to let WSs in because this is a delicate balance like Pommy said. Might wanna look at what Ready 2 Change posted on there. So being that A type bad B who had mental illness and life kick her to crap on a cracker, I can say this.
Bad B**ch attractive things: -independence -decisiveness -not emotionally volatile but not afraid to say what she thinks -not cruel but says what she thinks -more than capable but will let some one help simply because they offer -knows what they want -knows their worth -won't stay where they aren't wanted
Bad b**ch unattractive things: -controlling -criticism unsolicited albeit constructive or otherwise -being judgey -must be in charge in every situation -cold/angry -closed off
Being strong and assertive as a woman has huge benefits, but it also has major down sides. We tend to overreach. Even emasculate. We also end up spreading ourselves really thin and putting our own well being on the back burner because we truly believe we are the only one who can do things right all the time so we just do it all, get frustrated and then take it out on our Hs because we feel like they aren't helping even though we won't let them. I think the goal here is to 180 the negative aspects of being a strong woman and pump up the positives. I think it's more than just a balance of vulnerability and strength it's a balance of strength and being hardened.
Being strong and assertive as a woman has huge benefits, but it also has major down sides. We tend to overreach. Even emasculate. We also end up spreading ourselves really thin and putting our own well being on the back burner because we truly believe we are the only one who can do things right all the time so we just do it all, get frustrated and then take it out on our Hs because we feel like they aren't helping even though we won't let them. I think the goal here is to 180 the negative aspects of being a strong woman and pump up the positives. I think it's more than just a balance of vulnerability and strength it's a balance of strength and being hardened.
I definitely agree that I suffered from the downsides of being strong and assertive, particularly putting my own well being on the back burner because I have truly believed that I was the only one in the M who could do things the right way. What I have learned is that this was killing my mental health as well as my M. It is not too late for my mental health (I now gladly accept help) but may be too late for the M. What little H was willing to do, I always seemed to critique so he may not have felt comfortable doing things. I definitely am working on striking a balance between the good and bad characteristics you listed above as part of my 180ing.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/10/2007:49 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I need to take some power back. I have been feeling powerless in this situation for so long and that is anxiety-inducing. For those of you who have dealt with BDs and gradually came out of the powerless fog, what helped you gain your power back?
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I need to take some power back. I have been feeling powerless in this situation for so long and that is anxiety-inducing. For those of you who have dealt with BDs and gradually came out of the powerless fog, what helped you gain your power back?
Detaching helped. Once your emotions are not pulled by H’s every word and action, you will feel powerful. Also just recognizing that there will be things that are out of your control. So I don’t have to feel powerless over things that I shouldn’t be worrying about anyway.
I agree w/ wooba, detaching was the first step and the second step was knowing what my rights where and what I was entitled to legally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I think I began to feel I was gaining power when I knew H couldn't get an expected reaction out of me, whether he was trying or not. I found power in being able to control my reactions. I felt more powerful when I started doing what I wanted to at home and stopped considering if it might have an affect on H.
HesAble, you aren't the one still doing your H's GD laundry, are you? If you are... stop that right now. (Or was it you, wooba?) Whoever is still doing their H's laundry... stop. Please, just stop. There is one simple step to taking back your power.
Also, stop following him on social media. If you enjoy checking your accounts, mute him so you don't need to see any of his shenanigans but you aren't cutting yourself off from your other friends via social. If you need us here to be your accountability partners on this, I'm happy to check in with you on this particular issue, if that extra incentive helps.
Choose one thing you want to do just for you that he would HATE. Do it and take childish pleasure in it. (This is my pettiness coming out. but it helps.)
Go buy super high thread count sheets and a comforter in a pattern you love. put them on your bed. If he doesn't want to sleep there anymore, his loss. Make it yours and love it.
And here's my last piece of advice-- if I were you, I'd plan to get out of the house on valentine's day with your kids. If you can afford it, book a hotel-- or go to a friends house and have a family sleepover. (I've done this, once with and once w/o my H, with really good couple friends. Our kids are friends too. It was SO fun for me but H hated it, his loss. Kids stayed up late watching a movie, had a fun sleepover, and then after we put the kids to bed the adults stayed up and had cocktails and chatted late into the night. In the morning we made coffee and bacon for our hangovers and talked while the kids played. it was so much fun and also free!) I have a suspicion that it will be difficult for you if your H doesn't come home Friday night and so whatever you can do to avoid knowing about it is healthy. (Also, imagine what he will think if he *does* come home and you aren't there!)
I think the biggest thing is to try to stop worrying about what he is doing or thinking and what that might or might not mean for you. Taking your power back is focusing on what you want and need and putting your energy there, not on him. He's being a d**k. Don't let his a-hole-ness affect you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
HesAble, you aren't the one still doing your H's GD laundry, are you? If you are... stop that right now. (Or was it you, wooba?) Whoever is still doing their H's laundry... stop. Please, just stop. There is one simple step to taking back your power.
*quietly raises hand..... I do not feel powerless doing it though. I don’t prioritize his stuff either. This laundry thing is not big on my list. Haha!! If I had to choose one thing that I’m not doing to take back power....would be to stop listening to his rant about work. Not sure how I’d go about that though. We already don’t talk very much.
Originally Posted by may22
Choose one thing you want to do just for you that he would HATE. Do it and take childish pleasure in it. (This is my pettiness coming out. but it helps.)
I do not feel powerless doing it though. I don’t prioritize his stuff either. This laundry thing is not big on my list. Haha!! If I had to choose one thing that I’m not doing to take back power....would be to stop listening to his rant about work. Not sure how I’d go about that though. We already don’t talk very much.