There is not one thing that you are going to do or not do that is going to change your situation around. Did you let her know that you weren’t telling her she couldn’t sleep there also? If where she is sleeping is so bad and she’s not willing to share a bed with you then that means she’s very checked out or she’s messaging om at night.
This isn’t going to change the outcome of your sitch. You are taking the stance that you are working on yourself and you are not putting your life on hold or inconveniencing yourself while she figures her [censored] out.
Yes it’s going take a really long time. Most likely years and it will start when she’s OM free, goes through withdrawals and decides she wants to commit to the marriage.
No matter what you do or don't do, she's going to feel disrespected. Here's the thing, she's living a very comfortable life right now and is still in contact w/the OM. Until you rock the boat a bit, she's not going to come to realize that what she's doing is very wrong and there are consequences to her actions. Taking back the master bedroom bed is not a bad thing. She is the one that is dissatisfied w/the marriage, therefore, she should be the one to find accommodations elsewhere in the home. Listen, you can't "nice" her back into the relationship.
Bottom line, in order to get respect from others, you need to respect yourself and what you stand for. Continue working on yourself and if she's not happy about what you are doing, then she will need to reassess what she wants to do. My advice, get some boxes of tissues and leave them around the house. Your wife will either get it together or she won't...but that is not your problem...it is her problem. Your problem is that you are attempting to nice her back into the marriage and are not happy w/the outcome of what you did. Trust me, when she sees that you are taking back the control over your life and focusing on you, she will begin to get curious.
Until the OM is out of the picture, she's going to be bouncing all over the place. Remember...she fired you as a husband. You are now a roommate under the same roof w/her. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You can't control her actions and/or her feelings, but you can control how you react to her behavior. When she's boo hooing about something, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away
Yes, it could very well take years for this issue to resolve itself. Dig deeper for patience and know that we are here for you. If and when the time comes, you will know whether to continue standing or not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Excellent points. Glad to have the responses as the event started some R chats, not initiated by me. I don't know what to make of it. Overall, W feels Ive emotionally abused her and feels like coming back to me could be a mistake and be no different than others shes known who return to abusers only to repeat issues. I know Im not one but the problem is how she feels. She admitted that what she did was wrong and correctly admitted it was an affair. She says the OM has been out of the picture and Im starting to believe.
She stated, how can she have any respect for herself if she came back to an abuser and after what she did. I validated and let her know others work through issues that are similar. She is sleeping on a pull out futon for now, and is uncomfortable sharing our mbr. She asked why I took the mbr several times in several ways, I told her its for S1, and my own self respect along with being what I think is best for the family.
Our R chat provided some clarity yet we both left it with the root unanswered obviously. The blame is mostly on me, a horrendous abuser/monster who has made mistakes but nothing serious. I ran examples of what W said is abuse by my IC today who confirms its not abuse. W internalizes it as such but no abuse.
For the first time since BD, W asked for a family outing. I agreed and we got some burgers and took the kids to a carousel. W asked to be the chauffeur and take her car which has only happened once or twice. Not sure what to make of that or any of this. I think she feels powerless yet doesnt realize by holding D over the families head that she has most of the power. I still dont understand how she doesnt see her ownership in this. Some people never do I suppose.
Thanks for listening and any input is appreciated.
Last edited by Core; 02/10/2005:43 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I have a question and I do hope you or the readers will not take it the wrong way...but...was your wife abused or someone in her family abused and she stood by and watched and couldn't do anything about it?
Her perception of abuse puzzles me because if the IC says it isn't abuse and yet she keeps saying it is, then there has to be an underlying problem from her childhood that is creating the "abuse" perception.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Without putting too much of her history out here in case it ties to either of us, I will say she had a less than ideal upbringing. Way, way, worse than my own which was pretty normal (I think) and I seem to be in shambles. I dont know how she had the strength to become the W I knew before BD.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
For job and Core, both-- I think it is a standard WW thing to accuse their husbands of mistreatment and abuse to justify their own behavior and affairs. I know my W, in the throes of her own waywardness and affairs, did just that.
My WW was not abused in any way as a child, nor even as a young adult or collegian and nor did she change her tune when the "MeToo" movement came along. In fact, she's made it a point to tell me on a couple of occasions that she had sexual encounters on two occasions that involved excess drinking and which, these days, would probably have supported a claim of abuse/rape/etc... but she said although in both cases she had "regrets" or "some guilt", in neither case did she feel "victimized"... She's said she was a big girl and made her own decisions and, drunk or not, she was open to a sexual encounter and had one. Strong woman. And I say all that not to say that other women similarly situated are "wrong", but to emphasize that my W has a pretty high bar for "abuse" and, yet, she termed my role in the downfall of our MR as "abuse" on more than one occasion while she was still wayward, even once in front of our MC... who quickly corrected her.
I think it's just a WW thing.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
And I would qualify what I just posted above by adding that whatever difficult issues from her past that she is dealing with, whether it is abuse, or self-esteem issues, or whatever, that she should work through them with an individual counselor. Every significant thing that has happened to us in our past, including both traumatic episodes as well as happily memorable ones, shape Who We are, and can impact how we relate to other people, including and even especially in our marriages. I remember my own very excellent IC/MC putting both my wife and I through an exercise to identify these issues and how they impacted our marriage. It was extremely thought-provoking and helpful both for her in terms of counseling and guiding us, and for my wife and I in terms of better understanding each other.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if there is actually abuse in her past, or even a particularly unhappy childhood, she's going to have to address that and work through it, in all likelihood, for you guys to have the best chance of reconciling your marriage, if that is to happen
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I agree HJ. I think we both need IC and MC for any long term chance of this working. Much to my demise I'm sure, I did ask her to consider IC a few times during our M. She blamed me for her issues at the time, defensively. I should've seen this all coming. She has some experiences I don't think she will face and I won't be the first person cut from her life for crossing an invisible line.
Something you said here or I read elsewhere clicked with me today, or maybe I'm having a good day....I finally feel free from her control and finally feel like Im focusing on me. I thought I was before but it feels different now. I seem to not care about the outcome, I know I'll be ok either way. If we work it out and she comes back to the M on my conditions then it may be a better M than it was before. If we D, I'll do my best to find someone secure, who treats me well from the heart and not because they expect a certain outcome. Im excited for my future yet I know there is much more pain to come.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
So a couple nights ago I took mbr back. It pushed W to tears as it came off as me being dismissive of her feelings and more of the same from me, from her perspective. I knew this was a bad move for my sitch, I should've held off. I think mine is similar but was different than others here. I have a feeling this set back or reset any progress made. W feels horrible, and I feel horrible for making her feel that way.
In the middle of trying to save my M, I make W cry thinking I haven't changed, all over a bed. She feels like it was disrespectful which I did think would happen if I just took the bed. Wish I didnt make the move. W and I can't gain respect for each other if she feels disrespected. Now she'll likely be more disrespectful on top of hurting.
I see this sitch taking a long time if it ever comes around and now I dont know what to do with the bed situation. What matters is I already hurt her feelings so if we make new arrangements, the damage is done.
How is this a good thing? Did this happen to others? I feel really bad for W. All she wanted was a discussion over the sleeping arrangements, not a take over.
Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. I firmly believe taking the MBR was the right thing to do in your situation. All the crying and what not is to make you feel bad so she can get what she wants. It always blows my mind when I read about a WW accusing the LBS of being disrespectful for taking the MBR when they're out there screwing other people. Like that's totally acceptable behavior...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
