what should a stander do, exactly?

[peacetoday]

Goonies

I dont really know much of your story...but after reading your last post
I feel concerned for you...Im sorry for your pain

Breaking up from a long M as yours is very difficult and yes gut wrenching painful
I went through it as well and I want to share with you some things that helped me get through the pain
I hope you can relate

Individual counseling..I hope you are already going and if not please consider it asap

support groups

sharing with a few trusted friends

GAL..find an activity that helps, reading, gardening, biking, kayaking, walking in nature, instruments, art projects

12 step programs....coda, alanon ect...this is very helpful and there are phone meetings as well

eating healthy

sleeping

Yoga or exercise

Meditation, prayer or some kind of spiritual search

do it for you...yes it hurts but she cant ruin you
Only you can and only you can FIX you...

(((Hugs)))

[DejaVu6]

Goonies. You are not weak...you sound as if you are clinically depressed. You are not alone. Not EVERYONE has a normal life with very few problems. People hide things very, very well. You probably do too even though you think your pain is obvious. Sounds to me like you need professional help. Is there a crisis clinic near you? Adult mental health services? At the very least, go see your doctor and get on some medication. It is not a “fix” but it can really help. I am a pretty strong person but when I was in the depths of my sitch, I had similar feelings to you. Sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, etc... I have never in my life been on any medication for my mental state but I’m a mental health therapist...I know it helps...so I went to my doctor and went on them. After a couple of weeks, I started to notice a difference. It didn’t get rid of my feelings but it definitely helped to make them more manageable. And get yourself an individual counsellor. You need to talk to someone about this. Problems that aren’t shared only get bigger. And keep posting. The people on here will help you through this but you need to listen to us. We have all been where you are. All of us.

I know you want to hate her. Believe me, I know. But hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts you in the end. She doesn’t hate you. In her mind, she is done and she hates that she has to go through all of this. I saw that in my XH’s eyes too. I, like you, thought it was hate which made no sense because I had never done anything to him to deserve that kind of animosity. In hindsight, I know that the look I saw was him shutting off his feelings whenever he was in my presence so he could move forward with his plan and not be deterred by my pain or by his shame. Now that we are divorced, I don’t see that look anymore.

Your wife is not trying to make you insane. She is not focused on you at all. She is trying to make herself happy and right now, she doesn’t think being with you is going to do that. As hard as this is, Goonies, you need to take a page from her book and put the focus on yourself. Stop worrying about what she is doing or not doing. Do what you need to do to get you healthy. What would you do if she died suddenly? How would you be there for your kids? What would you do to move forward? The pain you feel is the pain of rejection. It is awful, no doubt, but it is survivable... Take the focus off of her. Become AMOAFWL (a man only a fool would leave)... not for her but for you...and your kids. Do it for them especially. They need their dad to be okay. (((HUGS)))

[Gerda]

Goonies, we've all been there. Your thinking right now is in a way totally right, I feel the same about my H, that disbelief and horror, but it's also just lies from the devil meant to keep you from peace. Your kids need you, especially if your wife is no longer the woman she was. Imagine how your kids feel, losing their mom in that way. Be honest with them that you are struggling but that you will keep putting them first. Do you have a pastor you trust to talk to about this? And/or a counselor? The answer is not hating her -- it's letting this version of her go. Hatred is a slavery for you, let her be the enslaved one and you work on your freedom from those feelings. She is possessed! Let her go and pray for her. The day will come when you feel more detached. It hurts a lot, we know! But you only have to get through today, not tomorrow. And believe me, your confidence will return too. Just keep telling yourself that the way you feel now is not how you will always feel and try to find one thing per day to feel grateful for. Your kids need you -- if you feel like your life is over, okay, go with that and just live for them. Your life is not over but if your brain is feeding you that lie, you can use it to find a reason to use your life for your kids' benefit. Lots of love. When I felt like you are feeling now, I carried Psalm 69 in my purse and read it all day.

[GOONIES]

thank you all that replied back with your wisdom , and support.
So many days I wake up and before I open my eyes I already feel defeated. I try so hard to talk myself up, but before I know it I am in the mire again. does the physical aspect of this knot of despair in my stomach, feelings of failure, and always on the verge of tears go away? what do I do to rise above all this? all of the reading I have done here and else where, it seems like she is in a time of indifference. how do I navigate this within myself? should I allow myself to be mad at her? will that help me? I just want to know what is ok to feel. I have this urge to tell her out loud that she wins, with any luck I will be broke, homeless and alone as she desires, or what I read from her actions, and words. I am really trying not to focus on any kind of stage, or time line. but, if she is in a time of indifference, is there any insight you guys can offer from practical experience? like where is she at when she makes the move to move out, becomes indifferent to me, has the dark death eyes? you guys have to know where I am coming from, just looking for any form of where I might be. if you guys could just throw me a bone from your experience I think would somehow help me.
I will share with you something about myself. over the past few years, I had dreams where she would leave me, divorce me, disappear for a long period of time, I always hated these nightmares of sorts. never would I have thought I would have to live them in real life. but now a lot of what I dreamed has became a reality for me. the past couple weeks, I have started to have dreams that we were reconnecting in some way. weather it be talking, arguing. last night I had a dream that we decided to reconcile, and it was civil. is there anyone that might be able to interpret this? I am not making it up, trying to gain attention, or pity. these are real events that I am so confused about, and need help understanding. the dream I had last night is what prompted me to my post today. I read on here everyday, but do not post a lot, as you can see, because I don't have the words to put down.

something else I want to mention, last night when she picked up the babies and I was giving them hugs good bye, t is hard to separate from them every time, I tried not to cry, but I let a little out, but held it together best I could. she just looked at me with a look of discus, shook her head and walk off. no heart at all. how do I rebound from that kind of action?

[peacetoday]

G

It would be expected to feel the hurt and despair that you do

How your wife views it, is not your issue

Thing is we have to turn it around
We have to love ourself..forgive self,,be there for youself

therapy is a must for most here to grieve and sort through it all

DB talks about
act as if
especially around the spouse as as if ...your ok
pretend like your an academy award actor

the most important thing is we Have to BE gentle on us
you have to shift your thoughts around the way you view yourself and your life

and put the pain on the side lines

easy to say
how do we do it
practice, faith and action
one step at a time

I told you most of the tools above
I used to get through it
and I learned to play guitar, joined a class to learn to play with others in a band
I listened a lot to Utube ...any positive speaker out there..I listened over and over when I could
I attended classes and workshops
I put a lot of energy in my kids
I worked on forgiving xh
prayed ect

you have to find what works for you
but work it is
None of it comes without some/lots of effort

become the man you want to be and see what W does then

[wooba]

Goonies, I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. Like others have said, you have to start doing things for yourself first. Of course you are allowed to feel all the emotions that you’re feeling...it would be impossible to shut them down. But focus on yourself first. Keep thinking about what she’s doing will drive you nuts.

There was a period when I was really down. I went swimming. And when I was in the water I felt like I was going to drown in a pool of sadness. But I just kept going. Plus I was swimming with friends too, so that helped me a lot. Maybe try channeling all your negative emotions into something. I think exercising regularly is crucial to mental health.

Be strong and piece yourself back together. Do it for yourself, but I think the better you hold up, the less hate/disgust you’ll get from her. As to how to rebound from that when it happens- you make yourself better!!! Make a list of all the little things you can do everyday. Take a walk. Clean up the house. Do something nice for a stranger. Listen to music and dance. Smile even if you don’t want to. Read a book. You can do it.

[AuroraTr]

Hi GOONIES,

My wife has not been in crisis to long but I have learned a few important things from this board and from dealing with my son's life threatening disease (which he beat).
First of all its OK to have a pity party once and a while, especially at the beginning everything that was normal, isn't anymore. Embrace your new normal, for going back to the way things were yesterday can no longer be. Both you and your wife are different people now, you are not the same as you were yesterday. However, that's OK hopefully if you follow the guidance and wisdom found on this board you may be fortunate enough to try your marriage again 2.0 style. If your marriage does not reconcile you get a second chance at being you, 2.0, a new and improved version. As far as being mad at her, don't. Someone told me (on this board I believe) that anger and jealousy are useless emotions, not just in MLC situations but really in all situations. If you think about when has anger or jealousy solved any of you problems in life? Do the homework as suggested, post often, therapy is a great idea and it will get better.

[PLC]

Hi Goonies,
I am right in the middle of a MLC with my H right now. Reread that “the middle” that means we are on the way to an end. Who knows how long? My BD was in May, and the only words that I could repeat every night after I prayed were “I am one day closer to this being over” I also realize I have the power to end it now. I choose not to, as I love my H and we also have been together 30 years this month and married 28 next.

I have moments of extreme distress, I never show him. He walks in from being wherever, and I smile and say hi. Sometimes I get a response, usually I get nothing or a brief “hi”.

I haven’t read your whole sitch, but I’ll say that since May, I have seen a minute thaw. Nothing to write home abiut, but there has been a little conversation. Nothing M related.

I certainly do not have the experience to offer advice, but just a smile and tell you, we are all in this, the middle of something with you. Get out and experience GAL, it was hard for me, but I have learned more about me in the last nine months, one being I am stronger than I thought, and stronger than he knows.

We got this!

PLC

[Kindly]

GOONIES,

I’m sorry you are going through this...no one deserves this inhumane treatment, but it’s real and it’s happening. Sadly we can’t wish it away. It took me close to 4 months to accept that. I am still horribly hard on myself especially when I have a bad day...but I am settling into a new space day by day sometimes hour by hour. I have taken so much advice from this forum and it really does help. That does not mean it is easy. It is not. The biggest take away I am working on right now is truly believing that this is not my fault and that I can not fix H. As others have said the pain, confusion, hurt, will start to let up...especially the more you GAL. I too have never become angry despite people around me wondering why and much to my own amazement even when H (shark eyes/ dead eyes) does/says something hurtful or with such disdain as you described.
My profile name says it all...despite the hopelessness the sadness the confusion I said from the very being of BD (once I realized something very strange was happening) that I would always be kind. I’m treating my H as if he’s sick which I know MLC is not but it helps me remain as peaceful and kind as possible. I will not allow someone else to harden my heart. You got this....day by day sometimes minute by minute. People are here for you.
Pls take care.

[DnJ]

Hello G

We all empathize and understand what you are going through.

I will share, and encourage. You will get through this. Honest.

I suffered that ceaseless pain. So much trouble getting out of bed. Something I just could not do - wear long sleeves. Absolutely couldn’t do it. And it was winter and darn cold! I’ll put on a long sleeve shirt or sweater and heart would race, I’d stress out, breathe way too fast, and scramble to get the shirt off. Kind of like you and the covers over your head.

Post trauma stress. It manifests differently for everyone. Long sleeves and no noise - couldn’t stand the TV or radio. Some people need noise. Others darkness, other lights on all the time. Perfectly fine. You’ve been through a lot and it takes time to find your balance again.

Let’s look at some of your questions:

does the physical aspect of this knot of despair in my stomach, feelings of failure, and always on the verge of tears go away?

Yes. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. This is part of grieving and the depression you are experiencing.

what do I do to rise above all this?

Detach. Detach. Detach. This is the most important single thing you can do!

all of the reading I have done here and else where, it seems like she is in a time of indifference. how do I navigate this within myself?

Detach first then find indifference. Focusing on you is the key.

should I allow myself to be mad at her?

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. You do not need to find a way to be angry, but if you are angry that’s ok. Just like it’s ok to not be angry. Your feelings are real and perfectly normal. Don’t worry about them.

will that help me?

Feeling your emotions is necessary. It is steps along the path. Let them wash over you.

I just want to know what is ok to feel.

You will feel many different emotions. All are fine.

is there any insight you guys can offer from practical experience?

Lack of detachment is emotionally dragging you around.

The ceaseless and seemingly unending pain is withdrawal from your addiction to W. When our spouse leaves, our brain cries out for the once plentiful chemicals that flowed so freely before. That absences of those feel good chemicals is the pain - withdrawal symptoms. And from various sources it’s feels like trying to withdrawal from heroin. Tough stuff.

So what can you do?

Focus on you!

Detach!

Go no contact as much as possible. This includes social media, texts, etc...

This is an addiction you’re working through, so every time you reach back it fires up those pathways and pushes back the process a little. This is an emotional torment you are suffering. Your irrational side is clinging to what once was, and doesn’t want to let go. Make no mistake this is probably the biggest fight you have ever faced. However, you are not with out weapons.

Logic and reason. Use them. You control your mind - the rational intellectual side. Slowly logic will influence your emotions. A few things to do:

Block W. Unfriend her on FB and block her. Do not look at old pictures and memories (for a while). Trips down memory lane are very painful right now, and keep you from getting passed this.

Do not snoop. Do not think about her or what she may be doing. Remember you control you. This is completely within your control.

This is part of focus on you.

The plan is for you to regain control of your emotions. Seeing things from a logical view helps with detachment. Actually seeing things logically is pretty detached - so in that regard your goal is well defined.

Detachment comes and goes, so keep at it. Forgive yourself when you fall back and slip up a bit - we all do. It’s ok. Get up dust off and keep moving forward.

And when feelings are rising up, take some time and let them out. Go for a walk, a run, do push ups, something to sweat them out. It’s good for you and you are reattaching those feelings to other actions and thoughts - it’s another how you detach method.

if you guys could just throw me a bone from your experience I think would somehow help me.

Post your questions. Vent. Let us know how it’s going.

A lot of advice is counterintuitive; it will sound, seem, and feel wrong. Have faith and walk the path. Things do become clear.

A bit of encouragement for you G: I know where and when you are; I openly posted my painful journey. I suffered, like you.

Depression my friend. I do remember. It feels like it will be forever. No one else gets it. No one understands. I don’t want to feel better (that’s a big one to face by the way).

It is so very difficult to hear the advice. And so much more harder to follow it. It just doesn’t feel right.

Now, think about it. You know you can and will be better. Heck, look at me, I’m proof. But it doesn’t feel like it. And there in lay the truth you need to hold on to, listen to, and follow.

It doesn’t feel correct right now - and won’t for some time. Yet it does make sense logically. Listen and hang on to your reason. Let your emotions wash over you. It’s such a hard balance to find.

Hang in there and be strong. You will find your way.

DnJ