I can't remember-- do you have friends or family you've confided in? This might be a good time-- if you have someone who will listen and can support you where you are without judgment-- to get together and vent. There is something about being with another human being who loves you and cares about you and is there for you no matter what and will listen that is so, so valuable... I finally told one very close friend what was going on after I learned about the PA portion and calling her is like medicine when I'm spinning.
I know the why me feeling, and the WTF is he doing feeling. The resentment is real and totally understandable. But... it IS happening. He IS doing this. This, as much as I wish it weren't right now, IS my life. My only life. So I need to suck it up and figure out what I'm going to do because wishing it weren't won't get me too far. Your H is being a total d**k. Do not let him drag you down with him-- you simply can't give him that power.
I like your at home spa idea. I will do it next week when I have the house to myself!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I can't remember-- do you have friends or family you've confided in? This might be a good time-- if you have someone who will listen and can support you where you are without judgment-- to get together and vent. There is something about being with another human being who loves you and cares about you and is there for you no matter what and will listen that is so, so valuable... I finally told one very close friend what was going on after I learned about the PA portion and calling her is like medicine when I'm spinning.
I have confided in some close friends but found that only one encourages me to stand for the M. Now she is dealing with medical issues in her own family so I feel selfish calling her up with my issues. The others are encouraging me to take care of myself by getting rid of H.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I'm getting caught up on your sitch. You seem to be just as emotionally drained as him. You would be well served to focus on the basics (detach-his words and actions don't have power over you, GAL, drop expectations, 180's with no peacocking, stop mindreading and monitoring social media).
The stuff wayfarer is talking about is great, that's strong girl attractive stuff every time she posts. Be funny, be sassy, be flirt, bust mostly be comfortable in your own skin.Now every gal is different but you get the overall theme. Also, I suggest a brut sparkling over the prosecco, possibly both?! On a serious note, get out and about too. Social events, interact with men. I had a big turning point in August of 18. I went out solo to a few bars with the idea of having fun. I met lots of friendly people and talked to 4 women for extended periods of time. I didn't approach either, I usually sit back and enjoy the atmosphere and let things work out but you do it your way. After that night I realized that I would be fine, even though my situation sucked and I didn't want my marriage to go down the drain.
I know you posted about shocking some sense into him, I don't think it will work. The biggest thing that's going to change your H's mind is seeing your pretty butt walking the other direction.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
...On a serious note, get out and about too. Social events, interact with men. I had a big turning point in August of 18. I went out solo to a few bars with the idea of having fun. I met lots of friendly people and talked to 4 women for extended periods of time. I didn't approach either, I usually sit back and enjoy the atmosphere and let things work out but you do it your way. After that night I realized that I would be fine, even though my situation sucked and I didn't want my marriage to go down the drain.
I know you posted about shocking some sense into him, I don't think it will work. The biggest thing that's going to change your H's mind is seeing your pretty butt walking the other direction.
I definitely need to get out more. I had not thought about going to some places solo.
Also I have come to my senses and agree with you that not much is going to shock H at this point. He is in his own bubble. It [censored] and I wish things were different but it is what it is.
I need to stay off social media because I have found myself scrolling through couples' pics thinking "why me?" How did I get stuck with the MLC Monster? Other couples seem to be able to work through their stuff. Then I snap out of it. Having a pity party won't change my miserable situation.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
It is the weekend and, as usual, H has been spending the night elsewhere. He never tells me where he is going and I do not ask. Should I be asking? I was assuming that, in order to detach, I should not be asking questions about his nights out but perhaps I am wrong. One friend says that my not asking may send a signal to H that I really do not care where he is which will, in his eyes, confirm what he thought about me not caring enough about him during most of the M (his rewriting history).
I am not looking forward to the whole V Day week, but I am realizing it is only one commercialized day. I am going forward with my plan to buy myself flowers and spoil myself. It is so sad that it has come to this but it is what it is and I am so grateful that I have the means to spoil myself. Thanks to all of you for encouraging me to do that.
I did not get around to having my at home spa evening this weekend (it is not too late since I still have today), but I did get out and have some fun with the kids. I am so grateful for being given the gift of time to bond with my children. We don't get this precious time back and, while H runs around with his secret friends (or OW), he is missing out on key bonding time with his children. Perhaps some men do not value this time as much as mothers do? Or is it just the MLC Monster type that doesn't value it? Whatever it is, it is sad to see a father not caring about missing out on time with his children (not that he spent much time with them before BD and when things were "normal" because he was gone a lot then too. In fact, a red flag was the many times I asked him to do fun weekend things with the kids and he responded that it all sounded boring. He never enjoyed family outings and I even had to encourage him to spend more time with his own parents during the holidays, etc.).
Oh well, I have found hope in my spiritual faith. Whatever the outcome of this M, my children and I will be fine. Life will go on. This too shall pass. Trouble does not last forever.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/09/2003:12 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Do not ask the question of where he’s going and/or what he’s doing unless you are 100% ready for the truth and/or a huge fight. Because those are the only outcomes of asking. I can tell you with absolute certainty he isn’t doing what he’s doing because he thinks you don’t care about him. He’s doing what he’s doing because he doesn’t care about you right now. The crappy wife stuff, you don’t care about me, you can’t love me right, I don’t make you happy, you don’t make me happy, we can’t ever make each other happy, lots of couples the sex thing comes up, all of that is rationalization and justification for their crappy behavior. Mine in the beginning basically said I was an energy vampire and he couldn’t stand to be around me, no one could. Mind you I’m on several hundred milligrams of antidepressants and was in therapy before this mess. I’m sure I wasn’t exactly the life of the party but I wasn’t the reason our relationship was struggling and it certainly wasn’t why he cheated. He was. And his refusal to address our issues or his. These WSs are feeding their misery with this behavior because it makes them feel “happy” fleetingly again. So they chase and chase that feeling like a junkie. You really have to believe me when I say this isn’t about you.
As far as the him being around for the kids. Seems like he wasn’t there before. Seems like you always have been. That’s the memories they’ll have. Not that dad was absentee but that you were always there and you had fun. Maybe focus on that.
Wayfarer: Accepting that he just does not care about me at all right now has been the hardest pill to swallow. And the even harder pill to swallow has been trying to justify why I am standing for a M with someone who does not care about my feelings. I have done nothing to him to justify his mean actions (other than maybe not being the life of the party, but he is not the life of the party either and never has been).
I am definitely experiencing situational depression. This is why it has been so difficult to get off the emotional roller coaster and not be affected by his actions. I am getting counseling and am under my doctor's care. Hopefully I can get out from under this fog with this help.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/09/2005:45 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am working on the compassion and trying to remember that H must be in emotional turmoil, but I always start wondering if his actions are in fact deliberate...if he is just a selfish, sorry narcissist who does not care who he damages, etc. Sigh. It is so hard to have compassion or remember he is in "pain" when he walks around smiling, wearing fancy new clothes, planning "fun" outings (kids & I of course are never invited), posing for social media photos, and appearing to be having the time of his life.
ugh this sounds so much like my husband last year, new job in the city, new wardrobe, endless selfies, endless nights out, staying in hotels. In his mind he was completely justified. After years of stagnant and SSM something had awakened him to the fact there was more to life than bad marriage. I don’t blame my H for rediscovering a zest for life but I also found it hard that he was happy to run two lives in parallel: 3 days in the city and 4 days of home comforts. Like you I felt like I was being trampled on and it was difficult to understand his turmoil when everything he did was so pre-meditated. Do you find it difficult to GAL when you are the one left at home to look after the kids? I imagine his unpredictable behaviour means you cannot plan your own nights out. That is very selfish of him. Are you able to say hey H, I’m out tomorrow night so please can you be home for the kids? Even if you have nowhere to go, go somewhere!!
Originally Posted by HesAble
I have got to come up with some GAL ideas for the weekend. I plan to get my nails done for one thing. I may plan a spa-at-home evening with wine, a good book, a facial mask, candlelit bath, and body scrub. I did a facial mask a few days ago and it felt amazing!
I had a home spa on Saturday...it was lush. I had a bath with scented candles, face mask, hair mask, pedicure. Also had my nails done last week...deep ruby red. I’m trying to do something for myself every day.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You have to keep this saying in mind "hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people." You guys are both on a journey. Both bumpy, both difficult, and while parallel they are two totally different paths. You gotta start worrying more about the directions and obstacles of your path through this and a lot less about what his path means
this is an amazing quote Wayfarer, but I am struggling with this concept. I am scared that showing my H that I will be ok without him means he will be more comfortable in walking away. At the moment, one of the reasons he says he has been unable to leave is guilt (not just for me but also the kids). I know deep in my heart that I don’t want a H who is only here through guilt - and I have told him that guilt and fear and not valid reasons to stay. But I’m scared that if I show I am at peace with him leaving, he will leave.
Keep strong HesAble....you are doing really well!
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
[quote=HesAble] . . .I am scared that showing my H that I will be ok without him means he will be more comfortable in walking away. At the moment, one of the reasons he says he has been unable to leave is guilt (not just for me but also the kids). I know deep in my heart that I don’t want a H who is only here through guilt - and I have told him that guilt and fear and not valid reasons to stay. But I’m scared that if I show I am at peace with him leaving, he will leave.
Keep strong HesAble....you are doing really well!
Pommy99: I have the same fear about my H. I have been following DB, but have also been wondering if acting as if I am at peace with H leaving is going to backfire and make him feel less guilty walking away. I agree with you that guilt should not be a reason to stay, but I wish guilt could soften H's heart to the point that he is willing to give our M another try, even if it is just for the children's sake. I have seen little to no improvement in H's behavior in spite of my DB practices. Perhaps it just takes time or maybe things are working in a way I cannot yet see.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
.I am scared that showing my H that I will be ok without him means he will be more comfortable in walking away. At the moment, one of the reasons he says he has been unable to leave is guilt (not just for me but also the kids). I know deep in my heart that I don’t want a H who is only here through guilt - and I have told him that guilt and fear and not valid reasons to stay. But I’m scared that if I show I am at peace with him leaving, he will leave.
Keep strong HesAble....you are doing really well!
Originally Posted by HesAble
Pommy99: I have the same fear about my H. I have been following DB, but have also been wondering if acting as if I am at peace with H leaving is going to backfire and make him feel less guilty walking away. I agree with you that guilt should not be a reason to stay, but I wish guilt could soften H's heart to the point that he is willing to give our M another try, even if it is just for the children's sake. I have seen little to no improvement in H's behavior in spite of my DB practices. Perhaps it just takes time or maybe things are working in a way I cannot yet see.
I've had the people closest to me repeatedly ask me to take my walls down and let my H in because well who I am is a person with walls. That if he really loved me it would pull at his hear strings. That it would fill him with guilt if he could see how horribly I'm doing with all of this. But I can tell you the pathetic version of me that existed when I literally couldn't control my emotions, before DB and just time in this mess, he was absolutely disgusted by her. I think it's Ready 2 Change that posts about the book "Why Men Love B**ches" Might be worth a look for you guys. Who I am inherently is that. I know a big chunk of why our relationship started to take a nose dive before the cheating is that my depression and our other R issues nearly killed off my personality. We worked well when I'm my full A type self. In a place where he's the one who has to check me when I go too far afield but am otherwise in control. The best R conversations we have. The ones where I've seen him full on cry or tear up, where he gets caught up in the emotions of things are the ones where I keep my wits about me and while I can say what I'm thinking and feeling calmly like I'm teaching him something he never learned, not trying to elicit a reaction. Act AS IF is a huge part of DBing for a reason.
The fact is I can't always keep my emotions out of his journey here, but I know d@mn well he can't see that it affects me unless he comes out and asks. They see everything on their terms through their skewed lens on the world in that moment. The other saying they say on here a lot, "You never looked as good as you do when you're walking away." It has validity. Human nature is to want what you can't have. No matter what I think and feel. No matter how much I hope H gets his sh*t together in the end, he won't want to lean back in until it seems as if I'm over it. The nice thing about them making us strangers who live in the same house is they literally forget who you are. Being strong and independent, self possessed and unbothered, you're the hot girl across the bar no body can keep their eyes off of. <- But all that stuff is about them.
The reality here is worrying about you and leaving them be is the only move you can use to win the long game here. The more I look like I'm moving on the more my H leans in. Maybe it's because he's feeling I'm going to be ok and his guilt is assuaged and he's thinks he's going to get his wish of us being bffs when this is over. OR he is leaning in because he wants to. I can't know, but in either case I win. In either case it means I'm getting some of the control back. He thinks he's getting the outcome he wants and when we separate households now it's my call if I'm willing to be "friends" because he's the one who can't go a day with out at least checking in. If he's actually leaning back in it means if he really wants to try I get to call the shots again. At least for a little while until we can re-balance the relationship. No matter what worrying about me, and doing my best to look like I'm moving on, actually moving on, detaching and staying out of his way while he deals with his journey here can't hurt me in the long run.
