Before all of this happened could you believe she was capable of everything she has done? LBSs seem to always want to hold to this idealistic view of their WAS. It is very common, we see it on this forum all of the time. It is like they attribute the actions of their WAS that lead to their sitch to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.
You cannot believe your W. Sorry. She has proven that for right now she is unreliable to give you the truth. That is what one of the first rules of DBing is "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do." You know what they call people that believe people that have been proven to be unreliable?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Before all of this happened could you believe she was capable of everything she has done? LBSs seem to always want to hold to this idealistic view of their WAS. It is very common, we see it on this forum all of the time. It is like they attribute the actions of their WAS that lead to their sitch to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.
You cannot believe your W. Sorry. She has proven that for right now she is unreliable to give you the truth. That is what one of the first rules of DBing is "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do." You know what they call people that believe people that have been proven to be unreliable?
I understand what you are saying. She is definitely a different woman, and she has had an EA, of which I found out before she told me. My gut tells me different things daily.. With the dynamics of where she lives, her work schedule, age (health, retirement, my changes ((as she has noticed)) and such, I just see her doing a weigh and close on us allot.. If I am a plan B, over time I will find out. But, in the mean time, I will/am moving forward.. I am not ready for a new romance/relationship, I know that, but that doesnt mean I cant look at the menu and move on..
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time. Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me.
Steve is right, while the wife you used to know might never lie or gaslight or deceive this new version of her may very well engage in all of that and more. This is something I really struggled with after BD because my "old" W was honest and forthcoming to a fault. There were no secrets between us. But after BD she behaved in ways that were completely alien to the person I thought I still knew. It was very confusing for me. But the bottom line is harsh or not, you really can't trust her. She doesn't see herself as married anymore so her loyalties no longer belong to you.
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I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Oh yes, absolutely. It IS difficult. Steve can tell you!
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me.
Steve is right, while the wife you used to know might never lie or gaslight or deceive this new version of her may very well engage in all of that and more. This is something I really struggled with after BD because my "old" W was honest and forthcoming to a fault. There were no secrets between us. But after BD she behaved in ways that were completely alien to the person I thought I still knew. It was very confusing for me. But the bottom line is harsh or not, you really can't trust her. She doesn't see herself as married anymore so her loyalties no longer belong to you.
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I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Oh yes, absolutely. It IS difficult. Steve can tell you!
Since she walked away, and had an EA, we just cant trust her. Okay.. And its even more difficult to retrust her if she comes back.... I am sure there are guidelines for the return of walk away spouse.. As far as the BD, when she left me, I honestly just accepted it. It wasnt really a bomb drop, where I was freaking and trying to keep her around.. I just said, okay, as she was saying she needed time alone. Hell, I even helped her move... to her new place. I only went over there a couple times within a year to pick her up for a family function.. This last time, I didnt even help her move.. No financial or physical help. I just said, okay, bye.. The only BD even we really had was the EA, which , from what I saw was along distance safe non committal relationship. It was a self esteem feed me what I want to hear relationship. I read her conversations before she knew I knew. And, I am over it already. Maybe I am too passive and not aggressive enough. Makes sense as I was riding the marriage wave not really communicating well. Hindsight is truly 20/20, and this forum is definitely helping me see the light.
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time. Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
As AS says, I have experience in this. It is difficult. Trust is a hard one dynamic that is lost in a moment. A twinkling of an eye.
So if she does eventually come back, you never EASE out of DISTRUST. There is nothing easy about rebuilding trust. It takes two things: consistent behavior.......and LOTS of time.
In my sitch, my very honest, never lie W, turned into a liar and a cheater. I still loved her, but for several weeks she was nothing but a liar and a cheater. I made excuses for her. "She is on medications making her do this." "She is in a MLC." "She is confused and doesn't really know what she wants or is doing."
Some of that, or all of it may have been true. Fact was, no matter the cause, she was a liar and a cheater.
So when she started coming out of that we were in MC, and we talked about rebuilding trust. She had to show consistent behavior over a long period of time. If you read my threads you'll see I still didn't fully trust her....including up to last summer when she had another slip up! Found because of my mistrust and I snooped.
She now has given me full transparency into all of her accounts. I haven't snooped since.
Consistent behavior on her part over a long period of time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time. Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
As AS says, I have experience in this. It is difficult. Trust is a hard one dynamic that is lost in a moment. A twinkling of an eye.
So if she does eventually come back, you never EASE out of DISTRUST. There is nothing easy about rebuilding trust. It takes two things: consistent behavior.......and LOTS of time.
In my sitch, my very honest, never lie W, turned into a liar and a cheater. I still loved her, but for several weeks she was nothing but a liar and a cheater. I made excuses for her. "She is on medications making her do this." "She is in a MLC." "She is confused and doesn't really know what she wants or is doing."
Some of that, or all of it may have been true. Fact was, no matter the cause, she was a liar and a cheater.
So when she started coming out of that we were in MC, and we talked about rebuilding trust. She had to show consistent behavior over a long period of time. If you read my threads you'll see I still didn't fully trust her....including up to last summer when she had another slip up! Found because of my mistrust and I snooped.
She now has given me full transparency into all of her accounts. I haven't snooped since.
Consistent behavior on her part over a long period of time.
Thanks again Steve. The digital age surely makes things difficult for trust.. So many dark avenues to follow and be enticed by. Many predators out there too... many men/women pray on weak people for their own self pleasure..
After looking at many other threads, I think I have the trifecta of wives. WAS, MLC and Depressed.. MIL stated she was/has been losing allot of weight, and is waking up every morning with the impending doom, and acutely aware of her life being screwed up( for over a year). She is at the age too for MLC.. I hope when I go through MLC people recognize it and get me through it..
The person going through the MLC never sees it. In fact, to them it isn't a crisis at all. Most view it as an awakening. Many even describe it as clear thinking. "I've never seen things so clearly not really every knew what I wanted. Until now."
This is why the worst thing you can say to someone that is going through a midlife crisis is "You're going through a midlife crisis."
The bottom line is that no matter why someone is making the choices they are making that affect others, it is still their choice to make.
LBS don't like to hear that, but that is a fact. Whether it is a MLC. Or depression. Or just a sudden urge to find other people to sleep with, everyone gets to choose for themselves. Whether that destroys a family or not. What the LBS gets to do is to decide how to react to it. B Having been through it twice now I can tell you that fighting them on it gets you no where. All you can do is leave them alone to figure it out, while you work on learning how to healthily moving on. Through DBing: GAL, 180s and detachment.
That doesn't mean you've given up on your marriage only that you've accepted that they have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am definitely getting on with my life. She knows deep down I love her, respect etc etc, she has seen allot of positive changes, has forgiven me for all but one issue. The decisions she makes in life from here on out will not be manipulated by me.. She loved me once before, so if she wants to go forward with me, she will let me know. But, in the mean time, I am going forward.
