Thanks BenB

[Mumin]

You are all right, thank you! I will wait
However, I am not sure I can ever forgive this.

[ovrrnbw]

Telling W I will be living here feels like I am throwing my kids out of the house, since they will most likely live with her somewhere else. (I really don't have a problem with how it affects W, atm she can get lost)

Why would the kids move out with her? She cheated and she gets sole custody? I'm not sure why it wouldn't be at least 50/50 but maybe you have legal advice and experience in your area.

So atm I am trying to find a good way to tell her this and to prepare myself for her responses.

Good idea. Having a plan will help you stay calm and detached.

"Till then I will live out of the house but I am moving on so you wont see me much when its your time with the kids."

I think you should be living in your house 100% of the time and the I don't see the point of mentioning that she won't see you much. Just show her instead. So I'm against this sentence hahaha.

I agreed (validated?) and said we didnt have the best platform starting of as teenagers.

Not quite validation. The situations where validation is warranted are the situations where you sense a feeling being conveyed rather than just thoughts.

I talked a bit more about my thoughts lately.

I would advise you to find someone else to talk to. She is telling you, and more importantly she is SHOWING you, that she doesn't see you as this person anymore.

My reading here is that the A is in full action.

Yes, of course it is. It [censored], Mumin.

Was talking to sister in laws boyfriend (for a good reason) and asked if they had heard from W.
Less than an hour later W textd, "If you wanna know where I am just ask me instead! "

She's right. But you should treat her as if she is no longer yours to ask this question anymore.

Go read those DB basics some more my friend...remember that these tough times don't last. This is your time to grow, learn, and become better. Take advantage of it.

[Mumin]

FYI I'm typing on my phone.
So, I DID IT! I told her I'm living in the house.
Feels both good and weird.

Basically I said I have decided I am not going to be a victim.
Only I am responsible for my happiness (read on the forum).
I need to be able to feel good, perform at work and take care of kids.
I am not ok with just moving out. This is my home.

W- this Feels very weird for me!
Me- Yes I understand that but I've changed my mind.
It is your decision to do something (than work on our R) else and find your way. I need to find mine.

W - You have to buy me out then..
(pay for her share of the house)
Me - Yeah, already talked to parents about a loan.

W- Can I sleep out in the cabin?
Me - You do what you want.


She went in to bathroom, started playing music loud. On her phone. Hmmm, I wonder with who?
Then she went to bed in MBR.

I can't sleep in MBR because D1 is sleeping there as well. But I guess it's a first step.




Also, earlier today she called me about day care.
They think we (almost always her) are late to pick up kids.
She started crying in the middle of the call and hung up.

Told her via text it's up to her to handle her share/part.

[Mumin]

Telling W I will be living here feels like I am throwing my kids out of the house, since they will most likely live with her somewhere else. (I really don't have a problem with how it affects W, atm she can get lost)

Why would the kids move out with her? She cheated and she gets sole custody? I'm not sure why it wouldn't be at least 50/50 but maybe you have legal advice and experience in your area.

So atm I am trying to find a good way to tell her this and to prepare myself for her responses.

Good idea. Having a plan will help you stay calm and detached.

"Till then I will live out of the house but I am moving on so you wont see me much when its your time with the kids."

I think you should be living in your house 100% of the time and the I don't see the point of mentioning that she won't see you much. Just show her instead. So I'm against this sentence hahaha.

I agreed (validated?) and said we didnt have the best platform starting of as teenagers.

Not quite validation. The situations where validation is warranted are the situations where you sense a feeling being conveyed rather than just thoughts.

I talked a bit more about my thoughts lately.

I would advise you to find someone else to talk to. She is telling you, and more importantly she is SHOWING you, that she doesn't see you as this person anymore.

My reading here is that the A is in full action.

Yes, of course it is. It [censored], Mumin.

Was talking to sister in laws boyfriend (for a good reason) and asked if they had heard from W.
Less than an hour later W textd, "If you wanna know where I am just ask me instead! "

She's right. But you should treat her as if she is no longer yours to ask this question anymore.

Go read those DB basics some more my friend...remember that these tough times don't last. This is your time to grow, learn, and become better. Take advantage of it.

First question, on kids moving. It is more of a feeling. I want to protect my kids and one way of doing that is keeping them in the house, not moving to a new apartment. But as you and many more have said. They Will get hurt/affected no matter what. The house isn't what's important. Love and being therenfor them is. Anyway we will get 50/50 custody, unless we AGREE on something else.
Next week I am taking the kids skiing, with my parents.

About being here in the house 100%. I told her I want to and will be living here, but obviously I won't be here all the time.

Question for DBers. How important is MBR now that I am back in the house? Our house is quite small and we don't have that many beds...
If i say I am always sleeping in MBR that will most likely push her away and make her act even worse..


I'm reading basics every day!

[LH19]

You can’t push her away any further then where she is at right now.

[Mumin]

You can’t push her away any further then where she is at right now.

Very true,
.
To explain, lately D1 has gotten used to sleeping In MBR (since there has always been space) so will need to re-teach her to sleep in her own bed first.

On respect, how do I know she is respecting me more?
Living in the house is step 1. What's next?
More tips on getting more respect? Apart from general DB basics (I am really growing btw:) )

[hoosjim]

Question for DBers. How important is MBR now that I am back in the house? Our house is quite small and we don't have that many beds...
If i say I am always sleeping in MBR that will most likely push her away and make her act even worse..

You don't say anything... you just do it. Actions not words. You're a man. Talking looks weak. Actions look strong. Women respect strength (not jerkish or loutish or abusive behavior, but cool, calm, quiet, confident strength) And right now, this woman has zero respect for you and there is zero chance she will feel anything for you or come back to the marriage unless and until that respect starts to be rebuilt. (Read Sandi2's rules and threads again.)

Will she like it if you move back into the MBR. H3LL NO she won't... but she's wayward, and she's sleeping with another man, so how she feels about it doesn't really matter. You make arrangements for your daughter to have a clean, safe space to sleep, you move back into the MBR, and let your W figure out where she wants to park her cheating a$$ for the night. She is wayward and this is the only kind of treatment she will respect and maybe, if you take care of your own side of the street (GAL-ing, 180-ing, etc), that she will eventually respond to.

I REPEAT: She is not the sweet girl you met and married... she is wayward and she is changed. And just in case you are thinking she might come back if you can only end this affair with this current loser, think again. Your W is WAYWARD... a syndrome rooted in disrespect and rebellion, and the affair is just a symptom (albeit a big one). If this affair were to end for whatever reason without her doing the requisite work on herself, for herself, she would likely just move on to OM2, OM3, etc. The lip injections and boob job are not the type of "work" to which I refer, but are HUGE tipoffs to her mindset, here. I, too, had a WW... they primp and workout and get plastic surgery to impress their new man and they can't be "niced" back into the MR with relationship talks and appeasement and "letting them have the house/mbr" and stuff like that. Tough love is required. My own WW did not come back until I finally dropped the hammer and got tough with her. Again, read Sandi2's rules and threads until you have them memorized.

[Mumin]

First of all:
Big thanks to all of you, ovrrnbw, LH19, Steve85, job, hoosjim, BenB, neffer, and everyone on this Forum!
Your advice, reading threads and rules are really helping me see things clearly.

Right now I will not do much more in regards to W, focus on me and kids, read, spend time skiiing and enjoying life WITHOUT W next week. I will need to see a bit more of her reaction to last night.

I will order a new bed for D1 and redecorate her room. We have talked about this for a while and its only fair to her. IT will also be a bit of a 180 for me as well as a natural step toward taking back MBR.

And just in case you are thinking she might come back if you can only end this affair with this current loser, think again.

Actually not thinking this at all! I will let it happen because I know she has to see the other side. Also, since they are co-workers and meet every day I can't control it at all. He also lives on the other side of the city.

I have read many threads were LBS wants to or has some sort of contact with sister/brother/father in-law. I want this in some way (especially since my kids are about to get a cousin) but it seems very hard now, they typically don't initiate contact. Sister in law did however say to my brother that she is worried and it would be good if me and her "talked"... Feels like dangerous waters.
Should I wait for her/them to initiate contact? Should I not talk about W and R even if she asks? (Not even sure she knows about OM..

Some other notes that I think are considerable:
Culture and different legal systems DEF play a part here.
Traditional Values are long gone and for instance "traditional" values between men and women don't really exist here anymore. We are equal in society. "No one" goes to church (Actually not a single person I know including at work does) and do not believe in god. Thereby marriage isnt as important.
There is a personal note here that I might want to remove later, I hope that is possible. Job?
W's father is a doctor and it was he who prescribed the BC-pills...

[BenB]

M, don´t make the mistake I made here. Don´t talk to SIL about your W. I did that far too many times in my sitch until it finally hit me that she will be sharing all of this with W. I was very close to her sister. We were friends before I met W and she introduced me to her. But still, they are family and you don´t want you W thinking that you always talk about her. Especially not after she sent you a text like that last time.

The legal systems with divorce, custody and all that are different but the whole cultural differences concern is just your brain trying to put doubt in you. I did exactly that the first few months and my therapist would agree, basically saying that I should take everything I read here with a grain of salt because we´re talking about USA, not Scandinavia. I would say this to myself to justify not following DB principles when it suited me. I wish I hadn´t.

But you shouldn´t worry about that because these differences don´t change how you are supposed to behave and DB. They might change some details but the basic principles remain the same. Follow the advice here and you will be a better person for yourself and everyone around you. And if your W returns and you then still want her in your life, that´s just a bonus. The goal is you right now, you can only control yourself so take advantage of that.

[Ready2Change]

On respect, how do I know she is respecting me more?

Because you make decisions based on your core beliefs and are not worried about how she will react. You know and are confident you can handle whatever reaction she has.