Wow, sandi2 thank you so much for responding to my thread. I feel very privileged to get a response from you. I want to thank you for all the time you have spent on this forum. I have read and re-read your welcome threads on wayward wives countless times trying to get an understanding of what is happening in my life right now.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Answer: I don't want to see you, so I really see no reason as we have nothing to discuss as long you are seeing someone else.
This is actually almost exactly what I ended up saying to her (sorry Steve85, I didn't just ignore it). She got upset and told me I was being immature.
Then the next day she finally sent me a message about the divorce papers I had written up, saying she wanted to add a couple things and have a friend look them over. Then nothing after that, so I still just feel like she is continuing to delay it, or maybe it's not a priority to her. I don't know, she just makes very little effort to actually get divorced. She has made plenty of effort to be separated, you would not be able to tell I have a wife if you were just a stranger looking at my life, but no effort to finalize it. She even still continues to pay her portion of the bills which I find very odd, it's all on auto pay, so again, just very little effort, like it's to much work to turn that off or something.
I don't know, she just makes very little effort to actually get divorced. She has made plenty of effort to be separated, you would not be able to tell I have a wife if you were just a stranger looking at my life, but no effort to finalize it. She even still continues to pay her portion of the bills which I find very odd, it's all on auto pay, so again, just very little effort, like it's to much work to turn that off or something.
It probably doesn't help to tell you we see this same lack of taking care of business from WW's all the time. She doesn't want to be your "wife", yet she is hesitating to legally set the D in motion. IMHO, part of it is due to her own selfish mindset (having a backup plan) and part of it is her wanting some type of control over your life. This why WW's in an affair will get very curious about the LBH's personal life.......asking if he is dating, suggesting he has a GF, etc. It's b/c she doesn't want her position in his life to be replaced by a new woman. Although your WW doesn't want to commit or put forth the necessary work to save this M, she doesn't want anyone else in your heart/life. I know how insane that sounds, but her mindset is pretty messed up at this point. Currently, she doesn't want you......but she doesn't want another woman to have you. She wants you to remain available to her, to use as her buddy, confidant, whatever. Furthermore, if she senses you pulling away, she will try various means to trap you in an emotional spin cycle.
See how she projected on you when you told her you weren't interested in talking to her? Just stick to your guns, and stay strong, b/c she will probably try to test you in other ways. We've read all type of scenarios where the WW played nice; slept with the LBH; shed tears about how he could never love her again; etc. and etc. You can't believe any of this type of stuff from the WW. She's nowhere close to being serious whenever she approaches her LBS this way. Oh, and if she starts the "poor me" talk, just remember that in her mindset everything is about her. She's looking out for #1, and if that means having to play on your emotions to keep you on the back burner......then that's what she'll do.
What should a LBH expect if his WW comes to her senses and wants to reconcile? If she is genuine, she'll be very humble. There should be no signs of stubborn pride from her. There should be no haughtiness in her attitude, speech, or behavior. She should be seeking forgiveness and have a humble willingness to do whatever it takes to save the M. If she comes in with a list of demands for you........then forget it, b/c this will not be a woman who is ready to do the work. LBH's have to be very strong, b/c some WW's are very cunning. Don't be like some guys who want their family back so badly that they don't hold out long enough for the wayward to seriously want him back and will cooperate with what he requires to reconcile. Too many H's will not stand up to the WW, and she marches back home when her fantasy sours, tells him to sleep in the basement or wherever, and she is in charge. They don't reconcile, they just abide under the same roof, which I've read can sukk the soul out of a man.
Being physically separated will give you space and time to work on yourself. Some guys think it means to improve themselves as a husband. You can't do it when she's with another man! Use this time to zone in on your personal faults and improve yourself as a man. She lost respect for you as a man, first. She'll have to regain respect before the natural desires for her H will return to her. Don't worry about how she'll see your improvements. That becomes a distraction the LBH sets up for himself, and the changes don't last.....b/c he was only using it to get his W back. If you really work on self esteem, your confidence will improve, and with enough growth.....you will have quality people coming to you.
Currently, you are experiencing some confusion about how you truly feel for your W. She's confused about her feelings, too. Her confusion is not like your confusion, b/c she's willingly allowed herself to engage in a lifestyle that was previously off limits by her own moral code. That's what is so shocking for her H and loved ones. This is not the same person they knew. It's not the same for her, either, and it's rather exciting b/c she is being the "bad girl" who is rebelling against her H, her M, her previous morals/religion, etc. At some point, I hope she will decide to do the right thing. I believe the WW has to experience some type of personal loss, in order for her to come to her senses. I want to add something to that statement, b/c I read stories from LBH's who say they don't know how much more loss his WW could withstand. Here's the kicker. Unless she reveals what it was.......nobody may ever know. Another important fact is that her loss doesn't guarantee a reconciliation. It opens her eyes, and she may initially experience remorse, shame, etc. However, she is not instantly changed back into the girl you married. Her LBH could be in a new M, or she could have married her affair partner. I mean, when there is a quick divorce, and the spouses move on, it happens. The LBH may never hear her utter the words of deep remorse for what she did to him, and their family. I'm just being real here.
On a more positive note, there are reports of WW's who did eventually come to their senses. (I hope you know what I mean by come to their senses). There's no way of predicting how long it takes, b/c it depends on the individual situation. The reason I encourage LBH's to stand tall with much courage and dignity, and not become his WW's puppet.......is b/c of it's impact on her level of respect for him, thereby increasing the chances of successful reconciliation. The bottom line for every WW is lack of respect for her H. It can take on the form of other things, but at the bottom there is always, always......disrespect. Resentment, selfishness, and disrespect feeds rebellion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, thank you for your response, I think a lot of what you said sure seems to apply to my WW. All of it seems to be things she is doing.
I'm just not sure if she cares what the "right" thing is unfortunately. She has been a bit wild in her past and always commented how meeting me really changed her life. It feels like she is just going back to her old ways, maybe I was boring, I don't know? She is young, and probably not where she wants to be in life right now...
I don't believe I have mentioned one major thing, as I was so focused on what has been happening the last few months. So the first time she talked to me about her unhappiness was shortly after she quit her job. The job that she went to school for and was supposed to be her career. She got another job, that really should have been temporary, that she still has now. It's just a mundane job that a teenager would have, not challenging at all. So this is certainly a dynamic that changed in our life as well. Before this she had a very taxing day and purpose in her life, after this her day was boring, and then she comes home to just boring normal life as well. Just something that adds to maybe why she has chosen this new path in life?
Anyway, the one update I do have, is she continues to delay things. She keeps saying she doesn't fully understand the process and wants to make sure we are both protected. That's fair, I get it she is nervous about things. So she wants to sit down with a professional to make sure we are doing everything correctly. I said that's fine, lets get it done. We will see how long this takes now...
I'm doing well, nothing much to report, it's been another week and we are still in limbo. I pushed her a little earlier in the week and she says she is now hiring a lawyer and I should have paperwork next week. I think she is getting frustrated that I keep asking her for updates and just wants someone else to deal with it.
I believe I read somewhere that the WW just wants to live in this fantasy world with no problems, and her having to deal with this divorce I'm sure doesn't align with that fantasy world. Perhaps that is why nothing gets done with it?
Anyway, other than trying to finalize a divorce the rest of my life is going very well!
Why have you been pushing her about the paperwork? Do you want a divorce? Do you think this will cause her to come to her senses?
I know a lot of members on this forum have the patience to endure this limbo period for years. I unfortunately do not, I held out for almost 5 months, but I just reached a breaking point. Perhaps if we had been married longer, or had children I would be willing to stick this out longer, but that is not the case. I'm done being married to a woman that has a boyfriend.
So to answer your question, yes at this point I want a divorce, and no I do not expect anything to change with her.
I am sorry that things haven't changed in your situation. I do understand how you feel and it's very frustrating when one half of a couple goes out there and has an affair. Five months isn't all that long for an affair and the euphoria of that affair does not wear off very quickly. It may take her a while to even realize what is going on w/the situation and waking up takes even longer.
If your wife were in a coma or had a life threatening illness that had lingered for five months, would you be as quick in wanting to divorce her? If she should wake up before the divorce is final, would you consider taking her back?
As for the divorce paperwork, she may drag her feet on it because she may not really want it. Dig deeper for patience and I do hope that she comes to realize what she is losing in the way of a spouse, lover, and companion.
Continue working on yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your wife were in a coma or had a life threatening illness that had lingered for five months, would you be as quick in wanting to divorce her?
Do you think you can compare this situation to an affair? In this case it is something out of her control, I would never leave her in a situation like this. Maybe you can argue an affair is out of her control because of this whole limerance, it's like a drug thing, but I just can't reconcile that in my head anymore. I just feel like she needed to realize that and make the choice to end it, even if it was hard. At this point it's going to be because it just fizzled out and then she realizes she made a mistake? That just makes me the second choice don't you think?
Originally Posted by job
If she should wake up before the divorce is final, would you consider taking her back?
I do not feel that I would. With that said, there is still that part of my heart that loves her. Would I suddenly let emotions take over and want to her back? I can't confidently say no, but I can tell you I will read back through this thread if that happens to help keep my emotions in check. I do know at this point it will require a lot of convincing on her part.
Originally Posted by job
Continue working on yourself.
Absolutely! Like I said, I know I have my faults as well, and I certainly don't want to repeat this in a future relationship. I am continuing to work on my own issues the best I know how!
