At the end of the day, she is still moved out and still seeing this other guy. I love my wife and do not want to end this marriage, but I think I also need to come to terms that I drove her away and it could already be over. Just looking for some advice!
Dude, you posted this on January 4th....and you are showing her your changes by having a date for Valentines day?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
If you love your wife and you want to try to save your marriage, then you don't go out on a date, especially on Valentine's Day. By dating, you are sending her a clear message that you have absolutely no problem w/her being involved with someone else.
Cancel the date, work on yourself and keep the focus on you. Dating is not working on YOU! Step back and regroup.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So you are a married man and you have a date for V's day. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself too.
Yeah this concerns me too. js, a lot of LBSs fall into the trap of finding someone new and then deciding they are done. That is cart in front of horse. Are you REALLY ready? If not, this new R has no change of success. You have to earn your way out of your marriage. Maybe you have, but I've followed your sitch js and I don't think you have.
I don’t feel married anymore, I’ve told my family, all close friends, etc that I am divorced. Yes, legally it’s not completed, but I just hit a wall and was done. That feeling happened and then by chance I met someone. If my heart was still in this I don’t believe that would have happened?
I agree, I have a lot to work on, confidence is a big one for me, shyness, etc, all things that I just need to be out making new friends.
LH19, you are right though, I told myself I would not date until the divorce was finalized. So thank you for the reality check, I am going to cancel this date.
I have given up unfortunately. I guess I just don’t have the patience for this, and she has done so much that I don’t see her ever coming back to the marriage.
You had a whole list of things in your first post that you needed to work on. You're too young to be moving on to marriage #3! Look at your thread title- "Emotionally Unavailable". Do you really want to carry all this baggage into a new R without doing some work first?
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Maybe way down the road she will have regret, but I can’t wait around.
What would she regret?
"Looking back we certainly should have spent more time learning how to communicate with each other."
You are a poor communicator.
"After we got married we did start to grow apart and I really see it was me just not allowing myself to be fully open with her, something she desperately wanted."
You've built walls around yourself and don't let her in.
"She did try to communicate this to me, but I always took it the wrong way, like she was attacking me, and it just further solidified my confidence issues with her, to the point where I just started to shutdown."
You are emotionally unavailable.
"but goes back to the fact that she can't get the loving feeling back for me again because I made her feel so unwanted and hurt."
You emotionally abused her.
"I drove her away"
Speaks for itself.
So how have you become a man she would regret not being married to? And how have you become a new and improved man prepared for a new relationship, and not just someone ready to repeat their old mistakes?
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I will say I happened to meet someone and get a date for valentines weekend, I’m sure that is helping with my attitude. It just sort of happened, so I’m going with it!
Do you think that's a good idea for you or the other woman? Have you discussed this date with your IC? If not then you should.
Jac12, job, and AnotherStander thank you so much for these reality checks. This forum really is great. You are all right, that date was not a good idea. I will admit it made me feel great in the moment, but that is not fair to another person. I have canceled that date.
I need more time to become that man my wife would regret not being married to. With that said, I am going to continue working on those things for myself.
I know Steve said if she all of sudden turned around and wanted to work on this marriage I would be over the moon, but I just don't feel that way at all. At this point I just can't see how I would ever want to be back with her.
I'm certainly not looking to move on to marriage number 3 anytime soon though.
When you have been a SSM or "loveless" MR or otherwise lonely or denied affection intimacy for a looooong period of time, suddenly getting interest from a member of the opposite sex, particularly an attractive one, is.... intoxicating. Very intoxicating. When I got my first "taste" of that dynamic, after BD by my WW and a period of picking myself up, GAL-ing, and deciding I was just going to go out and socialize and have fun, it knocked me over. My MR had not been "hot", loving, intimate... whatever you want to call it, not even affectionate, for probably 10 years, and I had been married for over 20 years and not "on the market" since that time. While I was opening myself up to socializing and bantering and even, as I thought, "light" flirting, I was not prepared for my response/reaction. That a younger, very attractive, lady would return my banter/flirting and actually escalate it... WOW. Like I said, intoxicating. It took a good friend who was with me to talk me down during a private moment at the bar: "Hey, man, so what are you doing here, what are you hoping happens... What do you think this girl is hoping happens and how does that mesh with you being married and what you are trying to do with your marriage?" It was good he was there, because I am not sure that i would have de-escalated the enocunter with this woman otherwise... and, in the end, that was not what I was looking for and not what either of us needed at that moment. But, in the heat of the moment, when it has been a while since you received that kind of attention, it can be VERY hard to resist. it gave me new perspective on my W's situation and behavior-- not that it excused her having an A... but i could see how, under the circumstances, that attention after such a long period of neglect could be enticing and hard to resist.
Bottom line is that in this period you need to be working on yourself, making yourself relationship-ready (which you are not right now) and turning yourself into AMOAFWL--- an effort that will serve you well in whatever relationship you ultimately end up.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Do you guys think she really can't figure this out, or is she just continuing to drag it out? I certainly think she is a moron with her current life choices, but she isn't a stupid person intellectually.
She is wayward. Also, she wants to keep you on the back burner, just in case things with OM go sour. Therefore, she had to find something to use as a connection. Know what it was? It was the dog.
Many young WW's play this game with the LBH. It's their way of keeping one foot in both worlds.
If you aren't ready to divorce, or aren't sure.......then wait. However, you don't have to play her game. Work on your own personal growth. You don't have to show her any changes, especially when she is having an affair! Don't be afraid of not responding to her. Don't be afraid to tell her you have nothing to discuss as long as she is seeing someone else.
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How would you guys respond to that? I don’t want to see her, and I don’t really see any reason why it’s necessary.
Answer: I don't want to see you, so I really see no reason as we have nothing to discuss as long you are seeing someone else.
If she says she doesn't know what she wants, then you tell her that's too bad, b/c you don't intend to waste your life waiting for a wayward wife to make up her mind.
Seriously, as long as she can play games with you......she will. She will need to feel she's really losing you as a friend, a husband, or any capacity you hold in her life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So you are a married man and you have a date for V's day. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself too.
Yeah this concerns me too. js, a lot of LBSs fall into the trap of finding someone new and then deciding they are done. That is cart in front of horse. Are you REALLY ready? If not, this new R has no change of success. You have to earn your way out of your marriage. Maybe you have, but I've followed your sitch js and I don't think you have.
I don’t feel married anymore, I’ve told my family, all close friends, etc that I am divorced. Yes, legally it’s not completed, but I just hit a wall and was done. That feeling happened and then by chance I met someone. If my heart was still in this I don’t believe that would have happened?
I agree, I have a lot to work on, confidence is a big one for me, shyness, etc, all things that I just need to be out making new friends.
LH19, you are right though, I told myself I would not date until the divorce was finalized. So thank you for the reality check, I am going to cancel this date.
BRavo JS! Bravo! Glad to see you do the right thing.
Look this stuff is hard. Sometimes we do things out of hurt, anger, and fear. You likely had some of that going on when you made this date. However, it takes a big man to admit he was wrong, and then to take actions to correct it! So good on you. If you need help in what to tell this new person, we'll be glad to coach.
Working on you for you, not for your WW, may just attract her back anyway.
I will save my diatribe on the "I feel divorced" thing later, right now I just want to congratulate you for doing the right thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are all right, that date was not a good idea. I will admit it made me feel great in the moment, but that is not fair to another person. I have canceled that date.
WELL DONE!!!! I was fully expecting you to list a bunch of reasons "explaining" your rationale for continuing with the date, you'd be surprised how many LBS's will do that. They just keep doing the wrong things while convincing themselves that their situation is unique and the DB rules don't apply to them. So great job on listening and acting, I know it wasn't easy but it was the right course of action. Very proud of you!
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I need more time to become that man my wife would regret not being married to. With that said, I am going to continue working on those things for myself.
Perfect.
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I know Steve said if she all of sudden turned around and wanted to work on this marriage I would be over the moon, but I just don't feel that way at all. At this point I just can't see how I would ever want to be back with her.
And that's OK to feel that way. It may indeed be over, but like you said you've got some work to do before you're ready for the next R. And while you're doing that work, your W may very well hit rock bottom and start working on herself, and then who knows what may happen.
Thank you guys, I really appreciate the encouragement
hoosjim, you really hit the nail on the head. I am really trying to get out there, be social, talk to people about things, learn about them and just being more open. It's great meeting new friends, but they are just friends, they aren't a life companion, so DBing gets lonely at times, and the sudden attention from a woman was certainly exciting. You are totally right too about getting perspective on your wife, my wife complained of being lonely, and the sudden attention from another man I'm sure was exciting for her.
