Get a hot personal trainer? Would an eye candy be sufficient?? Lol. In my gym I think the majority of female customers pay for a trainer to have someone cute to talk to. It’s like 90% talking and 10% working out. It always makes me giggle when I see them. Where I live the dating pool looks pretty hopeless. Not that I’m open to dating now but I wouldn’t even be able to fantasize about such a thing given the reality...
Maybe get one of those rabbit vibrators if you don’t have one already for self-help.
We gotta be creative these days!!!!
Well due to where I live most of the being out involves being in bar-ish or bar adjacent places. I've gotten my flirt on. I'm capable. Which feels good, because I wasn't sure I still had it in me. But no plans on acting on it further than that, which makes me feel superior to my H, I know petty, but whatever. Attention isn't really what I'm lacking.
I'm already very covered in the self help area...lol. I have a super high drive. Like one depression and/or anti-depressants couldn't kill. Never met a man yet who could keep up. H was the closest and he still couldn't. It was a source of contention in our MR occasionally. So I'm guessing you can tell my #1 love language is physical touch. So as much self help as I can give myself, I miss so much more than that. I miss hugging him. I miss holding his hand in the car. I miss holding him because he liked to be the little spoon like a weirdo. I miss him rubbing my butt at night before I'd fall asleep. I miss him propositioning me in weird places just to see my reaction. I miss his smell. I miss him running up on me when I'm not paying attention and smacking my butt. I miss our Saturday mornings in bed. I miss falling asleep on his chest when my insomnia won't let me fall back asleep. I miss the way he used to look at me. The one compliment the one time is the only nice thing he's said to me about me in months. All of this is why I'm starting to feel a little desperate. And having an IC who is still continuing to question me standing just over 12 weeks into this isn't exactly helping me find ways to deal with missing him other than telling myself that he isn't that person any more, and she's got nothing other than what a 1970s Cosmo suggests for the lack of being touched like a woman parts.
Remember, ICs work for you. And if they aren't working for you (see what I did there) do not settle. Get a new IC. People shop around for houses, cars, vacuum cleaners, TVs, etc....but settle for the first IC they land on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, ICs work for you. And if they aren't working for you (see what I did there) do not settle. Get a new IC. People shop around for houses, cars, vacuum cleaners, TVs, etc....but settle for the first IC they land on.
I know you're right. I've been toying with the idea of moving on. I hate the idea of starting from scratch and building a rapport all over again. However, while she was super helpful when I was a blubbering scattered emotional mess as weeks progress and I move through the stages of grief and become further detached but not willing to kick him out she's becoming less and less of what I need right now.
Yep-- just because someone is great at supporting blubbering messes doesn't mean she has what you need today.
I think it is OK, healthy and natural to miss these things. I do too. (Though for me it is weird, because physical touch isn't one of my primary LLs (it is his by far) and I was the one flinching away from his touch and cuddles on the couch and in bed for several years because ... oh a lot of reasons, not the least of which I didn't want it to lead to sex.) So for me to miss them now and want them feels weird... do I want it because I don't have it anymore and I want my toy back? (This is what my H thinks) Or, do I want it now because I've truly dug deep through all of this $hit and uncovered some of my insecurities and repressions around sex and physical touch, and I just don't want to be that person anymore-- I want to be physical and romantic and gooey, ideally with H but if not with the next person in my life? (I believe the latter, but I get why my H doesn't trust it.)
Anyway. We actually do touch each other now sometimes, the occasional hug or cuddle on the couch or in bed and it is like every brain receptor is firing this mix of utter relief and happiness and comfort and HOME. I know, know, know I shouldn't be doing this because of the way it makes me feel. It is not conducive to me detaching (plus, yes, the cake). But at the same time, the idea of getting over the missing of him feels sort of wrong.
Sorry, no advice, just understanding and confusion over here.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hi, wayfarer. Gosh, that list of what you miss is the headspace I've been stuck in this past week—that and struggling to detach from good behavior, which for me is mostly just H's kindness and an interest in actually talking to me, which has allowed us to connect over some topics like we used to. I can only imagine how much harder it is in your case, when it's family time and your daughters notice too. Still, you are the queen of detachment and I know you will get there!
Also, may, what you said about *now* being the one craving/missing touch, I see myself in that whole paragraph too. As you probably can guess from my thread, I am now like, arghhhhh we are in the same house and I would do anything to be able to touch him!
Oh, and I also wanted to encourage you to look into some consultations with other ICs. I think it's important you get what you need! I've also found some seem to be more open to feedback than others.
Oh, and I also wanted to encourage you to look into some consultations with other ICs. I think it's important you get what you need! I've also found some seem to be more open to feedback than others.
Have you tried telling your IC that she isn't really helping you right now? That what you need from her at this moment is a bit more understanding of where you are and helping you there rather than pushing you in a direction you aren't ready for? Maybe that will help.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Sorry, one quick tiny thought to follow on this: Have you tried telling your IC that she isn't really helping you right now? That what you need from her at this moment is a bit more understanding of where you are and helping you there rather than pushing you in a direction you aren't ready for? Maybe that will help.
The last session she pushed me to tell her what my bottom line is and when I'd like to see him leave. I said "Well I don't want to see him leave ever, but if he has to go I'd prefer he wait until June. The transition will be easier for the kids. As far as what my bottom line for boundaries is here. I have no idea what to tell you. I can say something here and that might not be true if it were to actually happen. Maybe if he gets her pregnant, I guess."
She looked at me in the face and said "Making it to April, his date, or June, your date, is a really long time to be miserable. Do you really think being miserable that long is a good idea? "
I said "April isn't that far. And June is what's best for the kids and my pocketbook. As far as being miserable, I've been far more miserable for far longer. I'm built for misery. This is a blip in time. Besides that I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't be miserable with him gone. It's been like 3 months. I'm not ready to give up on this marriage, and I can't legally make him leave."
"I really think you should give some serious consideration to your happiness and well being here."
And that was basically the end of the session.
Two sessions prior to that she was pushing the boundaries and end date. But left that open ended. Saying it's something I need to consider. Session before last was really pushing on my lack of boundaries, when I explained we have physical boundaries because that's really the only control I have. And he's not allowed in to my inner life if I'm not allowed into his. But it's practically impossible to impose boundaries on a person who is in full on I-do-what-I-want mode.You can say what ever you want but they don't have to respect it. And if I'm not ready to back anything up with legal repercussion there isn't much I can do. I got a reminder that boundaries are to protect ourselves. I felt like lady I know what a boundary is.
Out side of bluntly saying "I need support on the path I've chosen or we can't continue" I'm not sure there is much else I could say.
I feel like there should be a way for her to transition to, okay, you've stated your decision for now, so how can we focus on your happiness and wellbeing in the now? My IC sometimes says, How can I support you right now? Or, What kind of support do you need right now? I don't always know how to answer her. I don't see why you couldn't be honest with her and say, you know, "I am confident in my decision for now, though I give myself the freedom to change my mind. This is the kind of support I feel I need this week: xyz." Or just, as you say, "I need support on the path I've chosen." You can let her know it might not be a good fit for you otherwise, but maybe you wouldn't even have to say that. You could just know it. If she doesn't start to meet you where you are, you could reach out to some other ICs.
I miss his smell. I miss him running up on me when I'm not paying attention and smacking my butt. I miss our Saturday mornings in bed. I miss falling asleep on his chest when my insomnia won't let me fall back asleep. I miss the way he used to look at me. The one compliment the one time is the only nice thing he's said to me about me in months. All of this is why I'm starting to feel a little desperate.
I feel you. I got in bed last night and I could smell H (He probably was sleeping here when we were out of town). It made me really miss him. I actually texted him and said I miss him. Of course, no text back. My first late-night-couldn’t-stop-myself text and probably my last. When I look at him, I miss his old aura. Now there’s this empty shell around him. Even when he’s being friendly, loving....it’s just not the same anymore.
But sweet memories aside, I’m glad that he’s removed himself from this family for now and has taken that darkness with him. The anger, the frustration, the irritability, the yelling, just whole bunch of negativity in general....I would not want to take those back for brief moments of love.
