Riding the Wave

[wooba]

First of all, if anyone compliments on your good looks, good for you!!! That means you are taking care of yourself and it shows!

I agree with may- I don’t think WASs are always calculating like that. Personally. I think phrases like “leaving breadcrumbs” and “cake eating” give too much emphasis on what you presume the WAS is thinking.

As women, we all have different attitudes on how to respond to a man’s comment on our looks. It could be taken as harassment or a compliment. The response might also change depending on whether it’s from a friend, family member, coworker, or a stranger.

Granted, WAH/WH is a special label that might be confusing to you as to how to respond, but maybe try to think about what else do you see him as? A friend? Family? Stranger? Alien?

My H has commented on my looks positively after BD also. I said “thanks!” and that was the end of that conversation.

[wayfarer]

Hey Wayfarer. You're a golden goddess. Own it.

Honestly? I feel like it doesn't matter if you say thanks, you don't, you shut him down, you smile and accept the compliment. You aren't doing this for him. You're a golden goddess for you. And as long as that attitude is shining through (which I think it is, with you) then I wouldn't worry about how to respond. Whatever feels right in the moment.

I also just don't think that these WSs are so calculated in their every move. Some probably are narcissistic sociopaths and are carefully parsing out breadcrumbs calculated to keep you in the perfect spot. Others? Are confused messes right now and honestly don't know what they want. He could be breadcrumbing you to keep you as a firm plan B and make sure you're still in the game since he's sensing your distance. Or, he could be feeling a little pull and freak of yikes! I'm not ready for this and dang she is looking pretty hot these days, and that is why he said it. Or he genuinely knows what a difficult subject it is for you, and the compliment was intended to make you feel good. But all of that means you're parsing out WHAT he means and WHY he said it and HOW your response will or will not affect him. You are the best ever at not really caring about his BS... don't let this one area where you have some hang-ups get you down.

And work it, girl. For real.

May, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that it probably didn't matter a bit what I said in that one moment. My IRL friends got me with the confidence boosts about this new body, but a couple of them, well, they see everything he says or does as some kind of power move. And when I don't try to snatch that power back with my words or actions in the immediate they can make comments to the effect that he's like a border line sociopath and I'm a doormat. Even if I had wanted to in that very second take any little bit of power he had over me back and throw it at him, I was so caught off guard I had no chance of being that measured in my response. I've said it before. I can emote detachment like none other, hence a quiet thanks, shrug, and I walked away. But when he throws new leaning in behavior at me I get knocked off kilter.

As to not all WS's being calculating, or so calculating that every single thing out of their mouths, every action is planned is one of the most true things I've ever heard. My H isn't an idiot but we're in this mess because he has ZERO idea how to handle complex emotions, particularly difficult, layered, negative and/or confusing ones. There is no way in hell every thing he's saying or doing is thought out that far. But I know he does and says some things to to illicit a response so I try to be vigilant in how I respond.

[wayfarer]

First of all, if anyone compliments on your good looks, good for you!!! That means you are taking care of yourself and it shows!

I agree with may- I don’t think WASs are always calculating like that. Personally. I think phrases like “leaving breadcrumbs” and “cake eating” give too much emphasis on what you presume the WAS is thinking.

Granted, WAH/WH is a special label that might be confusing to you as to how to respond, but maybe try to think about what else do you see him as? A friend? Family? Stranger? Alien?

I'd have to agree breadcrumbing is one that I struggle with believing that WS are all taking the time to lay that out all the time. Especially when most of them are working with the assumption that we're going to be BFFs if they leave us, why would they need to string us a long when in the fantasy the door is always open, because, you know, we're best friends who hang out and talk all the time. *sigh*

As far as what do I see my H as right now. My immediate reaction when posed that question is probably a$$hat. But that's not super productive. Well not friend. I might be in his head. But he's not mine. So that's out. He's increasingly less and less alien every week, and I can't say stranger really either. Even in full swing alien mode he voluntarily went to see if my mother's headstone was finally put in. I'd say I still see him as family. Family you love without necessarily liking all the time. Family you let into your inner-self with varying degrees based on the climate of your relationship at that time. Family because we are still running a household together. Outside of family I couldn't possibly name what else I see him as. We have zero emotional or physical intimacy and he's dating some one who isn't his wife, but save for that, everything else about our lives under one roof together is almost better than it has ever been. We talk more openly about finances than ever. Our workload balance at home is more balanced than ever. He does things the second I ask him to instead of ignoring me or doing it on his own schedule like he's one of the kids. In the last couple of weeks he started to spend time with the girls like he was before this mess. He took care of dinner 4 times last week. He hasn't done that since I was away taking care of my mom. He's being incredibly supportive of me running again, neutral topic for both of us I guess, but normally he behaves as if I quit everything I start, (which isn't my actual MO). I have no idea how to label that. What title fits the person who used to be my best friend and lover, who is now my good looking roommate who bangs some chick I don't know, but is becoming a better husband in all the other aspects of our relationship that I wish he had done prior?

I think being unable to find an appropriate column to put him in is what made me a little uncomfortable with his comments.

[Pommy99]

What title fits the person who used to be my best friend and lover, who is now my good looking roommate who bangs some chick I don't know, but is becoming a better husband in all the other aspects of our relationship that I wish he had done prior?

I think being unable to find an appropriate column to put him in is what made me a little uncomfortable with his comments.

Ugh, Wayfarer, this is my sitch too. H and I have the perfect roommate relationship, better than it’s been for years...and complete with compliments about my underwear, etc. This sitch is so frustrating to deal with. sometimes I can’t work out why this is sooo hard.

[may22]

I'd say I still see him as family. Family you love without necessarily liking all the time. Family you let into your inner-self with varying degrees based on the climate of your relationship at that time. Family because we are still running a household together. Outside of family I couldn't possibly name what else I see him as. We have zero emotional or physical intimacy and he's dating some one who isn't his wife, but save for that, everything else about our lives under one roof together is almost better than it has ever been. We talk more openly about finances than ever. Our workload balance at home is more balanced than ever. He does things the second I ask him to instead of ignoring me or doing it on his own schedule like he's one of the kids. In the last couple of weeks he started to spend time with the girls like he was before this mess. He took care of dinner 4 times last week. He hasn't done that since I was away taking care of my mom. He's being incredibly supportive of me running again, neutral topic for both of us I guess, but normally he behaves as if I quit everything I start, (which isn't my actual MO). I have no idea how to label that. What title fits the person who used to be my best friend and lover, who is now my good looking roommate who bangs some chick I don't know, but is becoming a better husband in all the other aspects of our relationship that I wish he had done prior?

Wayfarer, this totally resonated with me... I feel like I'm in the exact same boat. Pretty frustrating in a lot of ways to see your H becoming a better H in all these ways yet being the very opposite in the most central and crucial of ways.

And because I can't do boundaries with him at the moment, we are actually also closer and more intimate both emotionally and physically than we have been in years. Cake-eating, breadcrumbing, whatever... but I'm not doing it for him or for the possibility he'll come back, but for me. I am going to miss the friendship a lot too when this period of limbo is over.

I'm thinking I would be better at boundaries if I couldn't put my H's relationship with AP in a box because she lives so far away. I want to be more like you and Caligirl (who is also the queen of detachment) and figure out how to do this now, because his head is still in the same place (with OW) even if isn't physically with her right now. Are you finding it harder to be detached (besides for specific comments like about your body/looks) when his behavior is so positive in these other ways?

[wayfarer]

w. Are you finding it harder to be detached (besides for specific comments like about your body/looks) when his behavior is so positive in these other ways?

Good behavior is what I struggle to detach from. End stop. I was with a pill popping, metally ill, alcoholic for years, and had a step father with the dark triad. Bad behavior. A$$holes. Garbage humans. Pure evil. I can look that in the face and smile. What is happening in my life right now as long has he's consistent I can ride the wave. But burst of new behavior or things that were deeply who he used to be then my walls come tumbling down. I won't let him see that. I'd rather vomit or die then let him see me vulnerable or affected in any way. But inside I'm in turmoil.

The girls brought up to me this weekend how different he's been behaving lately. Nov-Jan he spent almost no time with either girl especially not 1 on 1 except when he BD'd them with my permission. Last night all 4 of us had nachos and watched the game. He laid on my step daughter. Was on his phone working on his running play lists as the marathon is only 2 months out so his runs are getting longer and longer. Humming to himself as he finds or remembers songs he likes. The phone was in full view of us all of us because of how he was laying. Not one text exchange between him and OW. Now I'm sure after we all wandered off to the other side of the house for bed they were talking, but 2 months ago he would've been in the MBR avoiding all 3 of us talking to her non-stop. Wouldn't have eaten with us or maybe at all. Watching him be in our lives exactly the way he used to be, puts me in a place where I just want to beg him to quit his sh1t already and let's start moving on. But I sit quietly in his chair in the corner and smile at my phone texting my bff. But trust I'm climbing out of my skin.

[may22]

OK, so I feel a little less bad about having such a hard time detaching when my H is (and has been for some time) where yours is.

I guess I would just caution you that mine has been basically in that same space-- kind, thoughtful, ultra supportive, spending time with the fam all together, cooking and cleaning and shopping and handing me his phone to do the crossword puzzle together etc... for MONTHS now, and getting better and better every week. It hasn't meant his A is over or he's ready to work on the MR yet, or if he'll ever be there. They say a marathon not a sprint and I would venture to guess that this is the hill, when it is the hardest not to beg him to knock this all off. You know you're amazing at this though so keep it up.

[wayfarer]

I have infinite patience. What I am running low on is enough physical activity to counteract the complete lack of touch. My friends and I joke a lot but I’m starting to wonder if revenge affairs are less revenge and more desperation. But that could just be my desperation talking lol

[may22]

I found a decent and inexpensive massage place on Groupon, and they'll honor the Groupon price if you pay cash... been going pretty regularly and it is definitely worthwhile to get that touch.

And yes I believe it about the revenge affairs!

[wooba]

I have infinite patience. What I am running low on is enough physical activity to counteract the complete lack of touch. My friends and I joke a lot but I’m starting to wonder if revenge affairs are less revenge and more desperation. But that could just be my desperation talking lol

Get a hot personal trainer? Would an eye candy be sufficient?? Lol. In my gym I think the majority of female customers pay for a trainer to have someone cute to talk to. It’s like 90% talking and 10% working out. It always makes me giggle when I see them. Where I live the dating pool looks pretty hopeless. Not that I’m open to dating now but I wouldn’t even be able to fantasize about such a thing given the reality...

Maybe get one of those rabbit vibrators if you don’t have one already for self-help.

We gotta be creative these days!!!!