Thanks BenB

[neffer]

Hi Mumin. Sorry you are here. You are getting full good advice. Trust the process. Take your time to carefully get into everything.

Detach, GAL.

Get your house back. She wants out? Let her go. No fear

make the truth your shield

Love what ovr wrote

[Mumin]

Back from my business trip. Met W less than 2 hours this morning and then she left...

Anyway, DB has really made me see things more clearly and put perspective on W's actions. Big thanks to EVERYONE!
Some updates on DB since I started posting:
*ZERO contact with W apart from kids homework this past week.
She reached out to me before my trip because of the Corona virus. (caring) I eventually responded "Ill be fine".
*Telling myself detach detach detach several times a day.
*Reading 37 rules as often as I can.
*Will ask a larger share of expenses this month (50%).
*Maintaining at least 2 workouts per week but would like to double that. (Def doable but a hassle with the kids
sometimes)
*Reading posts here (Anyone have a good way of structuring what you have read and not?) as well as reading 2 books

Then on to the big question for me. The house.
I have given this a lot of thought and read your posts Ovr (Big ups!). Why this is so hard for me I think is partly cultural but mostly because of the kids. To explain my feeling - Telling W I will be living here feels like I am throwing my kids out of the house, since they will most likely live with her somewhere else. (I really don't have a problem with how it affects W, atm she can get lost)

However, after giving this more thought I have also come to realize that there is a BIG chance that kids living somewhere else will happen anyway. As mentioned I also am strongly considering buying the house in the future which makes it even more natural for me to live here. And actually less for her. So atm I am trying to find a good way to tell her this and to prepare myself for her responses. Any tips are greatly appreciated!
One thing I have considered is to actually sign D papers and tell her she has 6 months (required for final D since we have kids) to get things settled. "Till then I will live out of the house but I am moving on so you wont see me much when its your time with the kids."

So to the latest update (from today):
I told her I am ready to talk when she is ready but that I am done "pulling" and focusing on her, now I will focus on me instead. (I actually dont think she wants to talk at all and she just thinks things are nice as they are now. So ignorant!) However, I said I feel its time to talk to the kids and was expecting us to do that this weekend. (If she doesn't reach out about this in the next few days I will probably tell the kids myself even though we agreed earlier to do it together (ofc not tell them everything, just that we're having rough time)).

She asked what I meant with focus on me and said I'm reading about relationships, kids, sex etc and want to become a better me.

She said she thinks we haven't challenged/pushed each other hard enough, "friction is good in relationship". I agreed (validated?) and said we didnt have the best platform starting of as teenagers.

I talked a bit more about my thoughts lately. That I have come to realize my part in getting to where we are and also that I am not willing to share her with someone else.
W - "now, you mean?" And I said "not now, not before..."
W - "What happens now and in future is different..."
Abit shocked I said, not different now.. We're still married.
She basically rolled her eyes and said yeah yeah..
After that i said we can talk more some other time.

Oh and I happend to see some "sexy" pics on her phone after she showed me a cute pic of our kids...
My reading here is that the A is in full action.
It hurts me really bad (thought a lot about it today) and makes me furious.

Right before she left she also said She told some people at work that we're having a rough time.
Me - How did it feel, telling them?
W - Felt good to tell.
W - Told them you're the best dad ever and that feels comforting.

The reason she was leaving (she claimed) was a second consultation for a breast surgery that she has scheduled..

[Mumin]

Sorry, was also going to answer some replies but D1 woke up couching and I had to put her to bed again.
Will answer more later. Now sleep

[Mumin]

Bit of a backfire today. Was talking to sister in laws boyfriend (for a good reason) and asked if they had heard from W.
Less than an hour later W textd, "If you wanna know where I am just ask me instead! "

[Mumin]

Aaaand just found birth control pills in her drawer...
She hasn't wanted to take any for years... "not natural"

Hard to detach when you're super angry every other day!
Our current house setup sure isn't going to work now! Wanna throw her out!

[Mumin]

Completely f@ing furious, might call her tonight.

[BenB]

M, stop looking in her drawer and try to control your emotions. Whenever you feel like doing something, wait a few days or a week to see if you still feel the same way. Being unable to control your emotions is a unattractive quality. You want to look back at this and be proud of yourself and how you handled things.

We´ve all made mistakes along the way. No you shouldn´t have asked him about your W but just don´t do it again.

Again, do not look in her drawer again. You already know enough so snooping won´t benefit you in any way. You have a long road ahead of you so the sooner you begin your healing process the better for you. Detachment doesn´t happen overnight.

[BenB]

Completely f@ing furious, might call her tonight.

That would be a very, very bad idea. And just pushes her away from you even more. Never act on emotions.

[job]

Do not call her! You cannot control what she is doing...but you can control how you react to her behavior. You shouldn't have been snooping. Snooping doesn't do anything but make a person angry because you find things that you shouldn't have.

Just leave it be. You are not her father and you do not want to come across as such. Take a step back, breathe and do not say or do anything when you are emotional. It is best to wait a few days and then revisit.

Go back and re-read the detachment thread. Detachment does not happen in one day, not even a week, but a steady walk in the right direction of not reacting to her antics.

Now, breathe! Focus on you and leave her to her business.

[LH19]

Just like in your wife’s case. When people make decisions based on emotions there are sure to be consequences.