If I assume all is on the rebound, keep gal and 180s, the kids can remain raised by their mom and live with both parents. If I stir the pot unnecessarily and we D now, the kids go to daycare, kids get chaos during their critical years and we all live in poverty.
This is my fear. So far my kids have had a good life. I don't want that to change but am prepared for all circumstances.
Yes. As long as far as you know there is no affair then she can stay in the MB too.
Yes, that is the "compromise". The MBR is the marital bedroom and that is where you are going to sleep. As long as she is "in the marriage" (and that means no affairs and NO contact with OM), she is free to sleep there, too. Or not. Up to her.
Sitch reminds me a little of my own at points... W making noises/indications that she wants to work on MR, has cut (or at least as far as you know) cut contact with OM... but she's still trying to find her way... intimacy still not even close to restored. There's work to do in other areas, obviously, but I think you can take this course of action for now.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
And Im going to tell you something, and this is very important... You don't do this (move back into the MBR) by sitting her down and having a "relationship talk" or, really, any kind of talk.. You just do it. Actions speak louder than words and women respect men of action... not one who wants to talk them to death... KWIM?'
If she asks, you, only then do you tell her the situation... and not as a negotiation or as a start to a MR talk but just a statement of how things are going to be:
"This is the master bedroom (or "marital bedroom" if you prefer), this is where i want to sleep"
W: "Well where will I sleep?"
You: "You can sleep wherever you wish." (And I will leave it to you, with the input of others here, if you bring up OM and set a boundary at this point that you will not sleep in the same be with someone who is cheating on you so she is welcome to seep there with you as long as she is remaining faithful to the MR and to you.) In fact, I was always kind of bad at that part and with not saying too much, so others definitely feel free to chime in regarding that aspect of it.
Bottom line though: you just do it without discussing it first with her.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Makes sense HJ. I'm going for it next time it would be her day to take the room. Dont know where I'd be without this board. I'm feeling confident I'll be ok no matter what, largely in thanks to many of you here. I also wonder if I'm prolonging our misery. We could potentially be D'd by now if we started the process.
Even when I get my mind straight during the day, it comes out in my sleep causing health issues.
Me and her must be complete opposite sides of the anxiety and avoidant dance. Is this any way to live? Sure the kids are comfortable but what about W and I? If I cannot start an R chat, I may never know what she is thinking. With her wanting to live together for a few more years, is she making a slow exit the whole time or working on things? Do avoidants ever even introspect? Will she actually take time to think about this sitch? She made breakfast for just me and her 2 days ago, crumbs maybe or does she really want to reconcile? As Ginger mentioned, if she did want to, it was probably for the wrong reasons.
Focusing back on me, I hate this, my love for her is on its last leg. My love is more than a feeling its a committment and that love is turning black. Thank god I've got the kids.
No advice needed here, I found venting here grounds me.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I think I'm going to ask for the D. I'm sick of limbo, I'm sick of avoiding each other and avoiding the subject, sick of the mixed signals, sick of pretending nothing is wrong for the kids. She has effectively killed just about all the love I had remaining for her, purposely and hurtfully. Maybe thats what she wanted, to wait and ask for space to get me to buy in to her decision.
I woke up today after my S1 stayed in bed with me after a rough night and remembered how nice it is to wake up next to someone whom loves you. Why wait in this h*** and give wife space just for the slight chance that she faces the issue dead on versus her avoidant pattern. Someone said the LBS often can turn in to the WAS. I think that happened, friends. Tell me if I'm wrong here. What's the point of DBing if this woman may never change. The close family she kicked out of her life, she has no remorse for. Doesnt miss them. She's kept the toxic family members and removed those closest to her. Why would she be different with me? I'm tired of being the target for all her problems. I fear I will be no matter if we D or not. Moreso I hope the kids aren't targeted and rather I am the target.
I'm on my last string of hope. My IC says the best thing to do is break DB rules and have an R chat. I know the consensus here is that we disagree but isnt that worth a shot over me agreeing to the D and filing?
I don't know what to do, I am starting to think I want the D more than the M at this point. This is going on 6 months of limbo, the main change being that we are friendly. We're like friendly roommates, not even friendly friends. I'm filling with hate, losing trust of a new R in general. How do I know another woman wont put up a facade for years or change completely after taking or going off a medicine?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
You can certainly have a relationship chat if that is what you desire. We frown upon it because 99/100 times it doesn’t end the way the LBS hoping for. What are your goals for this talk?
Just so you know a D isn’t going to make all your problems go away. Being divorced with two young kids is going to be difficult.
Why not take this time of limbo and work on yourself and determine what kind of life you want moving forward? If not for you then do it for your children so that someday when you’re older you are able to tell them that yes dad made some mistakes but he tried everything he could to save his and your moms marriage.
I filed after 7 months but I'm not filled with hate. Oh and I didn't ask either I just did it. I have complete peace about my decision, calm, I'm ready. Don't file until you feel good about your decision because filing solves absolutely nothing.
Kas, excellent to hear you have peace with the decision and thats an excellent point, I'm not 100 percent sure yet so I should hold off.
LH, I hear you there. A whole new set of problems will appear. Thing is, Im probably going to face the problems either way, why not face then when I and the kids are younger is my thought. If we stay in this limbo for much longer, what if the kids think this is a normal marriage. There is more things I haven't tried like breaking some DB rules. I guess there's time for it all. I just don't know how long I can be the lovingly detached lighthouse before the light goes out.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
You look most newcomers think there that if they keep trying different things that something will snap her out of it. This is what we call the "illusion of action". Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There is no magic bullet. Time and space are the only thing that works long term.
Your children are too young to notice that anything is going on between you and your W. As long as your not hostile to one another then they will be fine for the time being.
Remember that do nothing is doing something in your situation.
