Saw my W this morning from a distance. I had my car serviced earlier in the week and had to go back to get something. She was getting her car serviced today and was sitting in the customer lounge. She didn't see me. I left her alone.
[Quick gush as I can't tell her: man she is beautiful.]
As much as I love her I have got to a point now where I get anxious when the phone dings with a text, in case it's W telling me she wants to break things up more. I am telling myself now to breathe & detach.
We are going out to dinner with the kids tomorrow night. It's a family celebration for D12. Hopefully the kids being there will keep it on a light-hearted level. I hope I can keep the conversation going and be outgoing and sparky. W doesn't always respond when I try to engage her in conversation, or answers with one word/short replies. It makes things stilted but I think it would be worse to be sat in silence.
I hope I can keep the conversation going and be outgoing and sparky.
Is this a 180? Have you always been quiet and now learning to be the talker? If not then do not initiate any conversations with her. Listen and observer. Short answer to questions.
Focus on conversations with your kids.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m sitting with my daughter and wife in church this morning. W is no longer wearing her wedding ring. I feel sick. She has already moved out of course but the ring seemed a pointer to hope. I haven’t said anything or made any sign I’ve noticed or care. Is that the right thing to do? Is that detaching correctly?
The ring coming off hurts and it won't really go away but you will have to accept it. You eventually realize that all the little signs of hope don't mean much early on as you are in for a LONG haul. The hope is in yourself actually. I said something about it to the W as I was HIGHLY upset, but do what makes you feel better it won't matter much in the long run. There will be other things that hurt just as bad. I think they key is realizing those things are going to happen and start focusing on yourself early. I didn't and still struggle to.
So sitting in silence...............is worse than being shutdown? I don't get that.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Is this a 180? Have you always been quiet and now learning to be the talker? If not then do not initiate any conversations with her. Listen and observer. Short answer to questions.
Focus on conversations with your kids.
Food for thought.
The dinner didn't go ahead as S15 is unwell.
My W doesn't always stonewall (though yes, mostly she does). Me trying to keep a conversation going would not be a 180. I suppose I thought that sitting in silence would just make her think "This is boring, I'm glad I left."
Keeping it going with the kids instead is a great idea. And I feel like a bad dad not thinking that way.
Have no fear of the joint account going away. It means nothing.
I'm concerned about getting into discussions about how much belongs to whom. I wouldn't agree that the balance of funds in our savings accounts (one in each name) fairly represents how it should be split. It's never been an issue because it's always been 100% ours. When it gets down to agreeing if its 50/50 or 60/40 or 35/65 then I think that could be problematic.
We also have the family home (owned) and now another house (with mortgage). My W is in the new place as calls it hers all the time. The family home is 20 years old and needs work done to it. I want my W to be safe and okay (plus our kids who spend half their time there) but it's brand new and doesn't need any work done to it. It would seem an unfair split to me if she got 50% of the cash and could (say) take a holiday while my 50% is used up on house repairs.
On the flip side, while my take home pay has always been double hers, she did so much keeping the family going and supporting me. How do you put a value on that?
I don't know how much lawyers cost but if we're talking thousands then is it better to just see it going to the W anyway, rather than into someone else's pocket? Or is that just surrendering too much and not looking after myself?
I'm concerned about getting into discussions about how much belongs to whom.
This is going to have to happen. You need to really stay calm in these conversations, because if you two have different ideas about how it should be split it can lead to heated arguments that are no good. Read up on your rights on how to split things and propose your thoughts to her, maybe she will go for it. If there is no equity in that new house then there is nothing to split really, she isn't getting a house, she is getting debt.
Originally Posted by JoeDredd
I'm concerned about getting into discussions about how much belongs to whom. I don't know how much lawyers cost but if we're talking thousands then is it better to just see it going to the W anyway
If you two can agree on terms without lawyers, then by all means don't hire one. I think it's worth trying to talk it out yourselves first. If you can't agree then no it is not better to just let her walk over you instead of paying a lawyer, you need to protect yourself.
The ring coming off hurts and it won't really go away but you will have to accept it.
I've just dropped D12 off with my W as it's time for the weekly swap-over. Despite her saying to me this morning that S15 should stay with me if he is still unwell, she asked me where he was, then took issue with me over the text message I sent saying we were on our way. I apologised, then when I looked back saw that I had clearly written "Bringing D12 over now" (followed by stuff about S15 being sick etc). So I clearly said I was only bringing one child over but got a bit of a serve and I apologised to her as if I'd written something else! (I didn't remember what I'd written and took her word for it when she complained.) The W keeps telling me we have communication issues, all mine. This is yet another time I'd like to go back and say hey, it's not all me, lets just keep working on stuff and keep talking and asking questions so we both understand. Of course I was already in the car when I checked what I'd written, so will just forget it. It'd serve no purpose to go back and rehash it.
While I was there, I worked fast dropping off the school gear etc so I was out of her hair quickly and back to giving her space. When we were talking, W stood fairly close and then started rubbing the corner of her left eye with one of the fingers on her left hand. Not her pointer, but her ring finger - the one I'd seen this morning missing her wedding ring. Hand all splayed out wide in front of her face (and mine) as she did it. Then she switched to another finger and rubbed the eye a bit more, back of her hand still to me, all fingers on display. Was she trying to get me to notice she'd removed her wedding ring? Was she hoping I'd yell, cry, beg, ask? Maybe it was subconscious? I just looked elsewhere as I spoke. I didn't know whether to laugh at the pantomime or feel sorry for her.
The other thought that strikes me is yet again another shift by my W away from reconciliation has happened just after her mother has been around. She greeted me nicely when she saw me last week but put me in a separate bit on her Christmas card. Even the dog got included in the 'Merry Christmas' part!
