It must be difficult now that he's taken that next step. My WAH hasn't even been served yet and I'm having doubts. He talks a good game but I know it's over. He wants a D he just doesn't want to pay for it. I am so sorry you are here.
Can I ask for some advice here? My husband's case is at the point now that he can go to court and finalize it at any time whether I like it or not . He has made no move to do it. He attempts to interact with me every single day. I use no contact inasuch as I never ever initiate anything. I respond intermittently to his texts but in a very brief and businesslike way. I don't feel comfortable being his buddy while he's in the process of divorcing me.
Yet I feel like the ship may be slowly turning around. I can't point to any one thing but the totality of what I am seeing. I don't know what he thought single life was going to be like in his mid 60s but he hasn't really done any of the things he was going to do with his life when he was free. I absolutely know I cannot ask or press or pursue in any way and I will not. I kind of think he wants me to. I just get that feeling but again, could be wrong.
I really would prefer to be completely dark but I feel like I should interact a small amount and give him a chance to backtrack if he is going to. But I don't know. I really don't like talking to him while this is going on. Sometimes I get triggered by stuff he says (never let him know that though).
Is there a way to deal with this; i.e., limit contact without giving the message you are no longer open for business?
Can I ask for some advice here? My husband's case is at the point now that he can go to court and finalize it at any time whether I like it or not . He has made no move to do it. He attempts to interact with me every single day. I use no contact inasuch as I never ever initiate anything. I respond intermittently to his texts but in a very brief and businesslike way. I don't feel comfortable being his buddy while he's in the process of divorcing me.
Yet I feel like the ship may be slowly turning around. I can't point to any one thing but the totality of what I am seeing. I don't know what he thought single life was going to be like in his mid 60s but he hasn't really done any of the things he was going to do with his life when he was free. I absolutely know I cannot ask or press or pursue in any way and I will not. I kind of think he wants me to. I just get that feeling but again, could be wrong.
I really would prefer to be completely dark but I feel like I should interact a small amount and give him a chance to backtrack if he is going to. But I don't know. I really don't like talking to him while this is going on. Sometimes I get triggered by stuff he says (never let him know that though).
Is there a way to deal with this; i.e., limit contact without giving the message you are no longer open for business?
I feel like your anxiety is running the show. Which is understandable. Have your read DB lately? The ship does turn slowly. He could divorce you and that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. You stated you made big changes after several years. He is looking for consistency. Will these changes stick, or is just for the short term? How committed is she? Is she doing this for her or for me? You are doing a great job of not pressuring or pursuing, I would keep that up.
I understand the feeling that you want to go dark, but what do you want? Do you want a chance for your marriage to work? If so, I would keep detaching, but not shut him out. I think you are doing the right thing by responding in a business-like way. Remember, you are becoming your best, most authentic, passionate self. FOR YOU. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, you still did this for you and for your future. Try not to worry so much about it being finalized. To me, there appears to be interest in you still on his part. But if he does finalize it, you can say you did everything you could, which could make it easier for you. I know this is so hard!
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Not only is your anxiety running the show, but your hyper-focus on what he is or is not doing is running the show. Going dark doesn't mean you ignore him. Newcomers get this wrong all the time. Going dark means that you do not initiate contact. And you follow some very specific rules related to contact:
If he calls you, don't always answer. You don't want to be available to him all the time. When you do answer, listen and validate. And then be the one to end the call. "Sorry, I am busy, I need to go."
If he leaves a voicemail expressing needing to talk to you, then text him back: "Sorry, been busy. I will be available tonight at 7pm if you'd like to call then."
If he texts you, and the text is just informational: "Went to talk to the lawyer today, he said he will have papers to you to sign by the end of the week." then you do not answer the text. Period.
If he texts you a direct question, answer in your own time (not right away because remember, you are busy!), and then when you do answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
So based on this, when do you call or text him first? The answer: NEVER
To answer this question: "Is there a way to deal with this; i.e., limit contact without giving the message you are no longer open for business?" the answer is that YOU DO WANT TO GIVE HIM THE MESSAGE THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER OPEN FOR BUSINESS! That is the only answer that will get through to him. Any other answer means that you are still there, hanging on for any crumbs you throws you, and are still his Plan B no matter what he says or does. That is an awful message to send. Sending the message that: "Ok, you asked for it. You wanted to be apart. Well you got it! I am moving on!" is the only message that might make him see what he stands to lose.
Grow a backbone. Be the strong person we all know you can be. Go dark according to the rules above. Remember what DR said about the "as if" attitude. Trust me, it works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What's up? You piqued my curiosity with a post on someone else's thread the other day and I've been wondering how you are doing! Check in when you have a chance!
xx May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm doing well. Just got a new house and have completely walked away from the turmoil. He wants it, he knows where to find me. 100% detached. I feel liberated, joyous. Looking to the future.
I'm doing well. Just got a new house and have completely walked away from the turmoil. He wants it, he knows where to find me. 100% detached. I feel liberated, joyous. Looking to the future.
