I recently was inspired by DnJ to write a poem on his thread, and threatened to write another one if I took inspiration.
I'm a little rusty as I last wrote substantive poetry in high school over 25 years ago, apart from the short poems of love I used to write for my XW. Maybe I'll take it up again for GAL
I hope this one inspires us to remember that whilst the world crashes around us, the centre of our world is not what we thought, despite what we once felt it to be...
The winds of change echoed overhead, Faint rustling in the trees. We had some disquiet about the wind, But misheard what it said.
As the wind slowly gathered pace, We held their hand more tightly. Signs of love emanated still, so we thought quite rightly. That our love for them, would conquer all - this wind is just a phase - a passing breeze, among the trees, and our tree will never fall.
So we walk the path we've walked before, Continuing arm in arm. The wind picks pace, we shield their face, never contemplating harm.
But trees with rotten cores do fall, And love does not shield the heart, Where in the moment of splitting wood, everything falls apart.
We turn to look at our true love, But our true love isn't there. A different path they've taken, whilst we were unaware.
The lightning struck whilst we had faith, In a love that seemed eternal. Vows of love mean nothing now, be damned to hell, eternal.
But as we fall unto our knees, Cursing at the wind, We fail to see, what seems to be, the forest for the trees.
See the forest lives, despite the tree, 'pon which we carved our love, The splintered remains of promised vows, crashed low from high above.
Yet as we labour with broken wood, Whilst our true love wanders free. We glimpse a truth eternal - Our forest is not the tree.
Cheers, DS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Focus on what you can control. Hint: It is you! Married. D'd. None of that changes that you get control over you! Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react and our attitude towards it. So let your attitude be that you are awesome, great, phenomenal even, no matter what OTHER people decide. See what I said above. Once you get to the place where you realize that you are going to make your life great, no matter what, then you will be able to move past the hurt and the pain.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DS I like the poem and found it interesting how you used a tree to represent your relationship. I used something similar with D14 about our family being a forest and D14 said "she burned the entire forest to the ground and it is gone." I told her the death of one forest is the nutrients and soil for a new one.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of the excellent things about this forum is it allows you to come here with ongoing issues and seek guidance before you take action. I would recommend actively seeking advice here before you plan to do anything if you are concerned.
Even something as seemingly minor as that email your XW sent and you responded to. I think its better to come and get advice beforehand, than to come after and say this is what happened and this is what I did, especially when things are early and you're getting the hang of DB.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Im in a similar boat with the whole contact/no contact thing. I think a lot of us are, because despite the erosion of trust and breakdown of communications, we want to still keep giving small chances to see if our humor, our GAL, our healing, and our demeanor starts to evoke just a little vulnerability in the other person.
It kind of feels like a game of give and take where at moments its very business like, and other moments where the X will ask inquisitive questions about you, about your family, about what is going on in your current life, where they offer nothing about there's and their changes, but want to know what's going on with you. You have to gauge it on the fly every single time. They offer nothing. You give them nothing. They offer you a little something you give them a little something. Its going to go back and forth and feel like a game after months and months of not communicating, only communicating on child or business related stuff, them opening up a little, then retreating and you doing the same. I would think there is nothing attractive about being guarded on both parties, but if they pull away, you should pull away harder, if they cone a little closer then you do the same.
I don't know how effective all this is in the long run, but on one hand you want to show your best self that is moving forward, doing good, focused, and on center. On the other hand. They're business is none of yours and vice versa. The person that used to miss us is no longer attracted to us in that sense. Essentially you don't need to be married, you don't need a relationship, you don't need another person to do the things you want to do or to be happy, you don't need another person in your life to have a good one. You just need... Well? You....
The fact that our SO has gone through great lengths and measure to somewhat remove us, but yet still keep us in their lives goes to show ITS ALL ABOUT THEM, THEIR PERCEPTIONS, THEIR FEELINGS, THEIR WANTS AND NEEDS, THEIR DESIRES, AND THEIR LIVES. Its short sighted. They are most likely thinking 5 years out at best, and willing to take a chance based off of their current experiences, feelings, plans, and fantasies. Doesn't matter if its another lover, traveling like it was Eat Love Pray, a few wellness and yoga classes, or whatever else they GAL with or seek. They are willing to take a chance for a new life without us. There is absolutely nothing we can do to control, act, or manipulate the situation, but be patient, focus on ourselves, regroup, and rebuild.
Even I myself in the midst of all this have been asking myself as of lately. "Where do I want to go without XW? What do I want to see? How do I want my life to look? Is there more freedom, choice, and experience and potential that life has to offer with or without them? Will my imagined experiences be similar to reality when I experience them?" Some of these situations work out for the better because people realize how much the other is improving, and realize the loss. Some don't and take a gamble with starting over. We marry on promises based on potential, and we also divorce based on that potential as well. A lot of people aren't patient enough to wait it out for 3 to 5 years. Feelings changes, trust changes, habits change, people change. There is nothing you can do, say, or think to sway another person to stay or recommit. The heart wants what it wants, when it wants it. Doesn't always make it right or sound. Just human nature I guess.
But the best thing you can do is position yourself to take daily action to improving yourself. Just keep in mind. Stand up for your self your morals and principles. Command respect. Be pleasant, and don't do anything to further worsen the situation. If something whether it be an email, text message, phone call, doesn't require a response. Let it go. Keep interactions to a minimum. Keep responses to a minimum. If someone wants out. Let them go. They have to return on their own volition, and we have no control over that. That is why the losses that they get, they must feel over 2-5 years. Because the grass could be greener to them once they experience it. Or? It may not be. They might come running back with bread crumbs to bait us. You might be done by then? Their loss, your gain. You re gain of peace, improvement, travel, growth, comfort, independence, etc. A lot of people aren't willing to tolerate the good the bad and the ugly in M, most just want the good. In their world everything is supposed to be on the up and up. That is why they walk. So let them live it and find out for themselves.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What I can tell you is that when you do the what seems counter-intuitive it has amazing effects on you the DBer. And sometimes it has positive effects on the WAS She EXPECTS you to respond to her. She EXPECTS you to try to hold on for dear life. When you do the opposite of that she will wonder why. Curiosity is big attractant. I can remember my W writing in her journals when we first met that she was so curious to get to know more about me. That is a powerful tool in our arsenal as LBSs. Trigger that curiousity. "Why haven't I heard from him?" "Why did he delete his FB account?" "Why hasn't he asked about the cats?" "Why does everyone say he is so busy?"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Listen to the vets on here. There advice is golden. At times like they said it will feel like the advice is wrong but it isn’t. It works I didn’t listen to the advice and I got divorced. You spoke of depression. I never experienced it until my situation too. Get an IC, lean on people you trust and feel comfortable with, if you feel like crying, do it in a private space, let it out it actually helps. If necessary go on AD I did for 6 months just to get me on track. Use this place for advice or to vent. This forum has helped me so much. Just know you are not alone and from what it sounds like you did nothing wrong. This is her journey and only she can work though it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As for detachment, usually when someone becomes detached they don't talk about it, they just -are-. It comes through in their posts because they will go on and on about their GAL activities and their kids but you almost have to pry info out of them about their spouse. Usually when someone says they are detached it's more like they are trying to convince themselves that they are, that posting it will make it reality. So just be mindful that perhaps you're not as detached as you think just yet.... You may not be detached just yet. At some point I just quit worrying about my M and my XW and just got about the business of living life. After a while I no longer wanted to remain married, and I was the one that ended up pushing the D through. But I was in a place where there was no anger or resentment or anything attached to the decision, it just felt like it was time to move on.
I get the sense that you're not there yet, you're more of the attitude that you want to "punish" W for her poor behavior by depriving her of you and all you have to offer that you feel she doesn't appreciate. If you think this has any ring of truth to it then just give yourself more time. There's no urgency.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"Traditional Values are long gone and for instance "traditional" values between men and women don't really exist here anymore. We are equal in society."
Being "equal in society" has absolutely nothing to do with the importance, impact, and effectiveness of traditional gender roles. Men and men and women are women... Our bodies, brains, and biochemical makeup are fundamentally different and we react in different ways to different stimuli. Doesn't matter one whit if you don't believe in God because it is science... based on millions of years of evolution and the survival and mating instincts that are indelibly ingrained in each sex. Whether or not you believe that women can and should vote, run for public office and hold positions of political leadership, preside in the board room, and have every opportunity a man does in society is completely irrelevant in terms of how men and women treat each other socially, maritally, and sexually.
Each has a role to play and each is equally important, BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT ROLES. Repeat after me: MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT! Learn it. Live it. Love it. You can cry and scream and pontificate all you want about "Strong women" and "not being submissive to men" but, at the end of the day, it is quite simply ingrained in the female psyche and libido that she respects a strong man. Note that I did not say "controlling man" or "domineering man" (though some undoubtedly like that as well) but "Strong" man... as in confident, in control of himself, self-assured, capable in a pinch. I don't care what your society teaches you or what tripe you get on television or radio or whatever over there, but... if your W does not respect you she will not be attracted to you and you have zero... I repeat ZERO chance of saving your MR.
And part of that is not lying down for her when she is wayward and cheating on you. I applaud your plan to get back into the MBR by first making a room for your daughter... but I would not delay in doing it. Don't find excuses but ACT.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He should give it until HE is ready to be divorced, with no emotional baggage, and can move on healthy and happy. He certainly shouldn't go file just to have an effect on her.
I don't get into time with these sitches. Some sitches should be resolved by the LBS saying "SEE YA" in 5 minutes. Some could take 5 years. Time is meaningless to me in these things. But clearly he is not ready to move on, and until he is....he shouldn't. I believe that to my core even if its been 40 years.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
