may and wayfarer, what you both have posted has been really helpful to me, so thank you. wayfarer, you sound like you totally know your values and yourself and are acting accordingly, and that is inspiring! It's easy for me sometimes to get caught up in different approaches and questioning what I'm doing, but this conversation clarified for me again that if I am true to myself, I can be proud of whatever it is I decide to do or not do on many levels. You both put into words what I've been struggling to put into words for myself:
Originally Posted by wayfarer
But I also can't live like every single thing he does is the end of the world and a slap in the face to me. He sure as hell isn't thinking about me when he's making those choices, I'm not entirely sure why I should think about him not thinking about me when he does them. I can't live in a place where his behavior controls me, my emotions and my actions.
Yes, and there is strength in these words. As may said, not pushover, not doormat!
Originally Posted by may22
I also think there are more important things than whether your WS respects you or not-- like do you respect yourself [...]
This is what I really needed to hear, too. A simple way to keep the focus on me—why waste time wondering what the WS thinks? Do I respect myself? Am I living according to my values and beliefs? That's all I need to know, right?
You both strike me as such strong, smart, compassionate women. Hugs, may and wayfarer!
I just read your thread. I believe your head is in the right place. You are wise and I hope you keep posting to the newbies. I fix me my helping others.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So here's what is happening in my life. As I asked the universe/god/gaia/whatever, for a least a little bit of a new normal, I got it. Much like me asking for him to stop lying about where he's going and what's he's doing. Is it what I want for me, for us, for the girls? NOPE. But at least it's a consistency that helps me keep on course. And it's a predictability for the girls to be able to roll with. 3 weeks now Tuesday, Friday, Saturday are his OW days. Granted he was home a lot last weekend, but I'll count that as a fluke. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday are at home days. Sunday is a grab bag. Monday he messaged me asking about what nights he should take over dinner. And let me in on his week day schedule. An issue with our auto insurance came up yesterday. My daughter text messaged me that he was yelling at customer service at home. I said I'm sure I'll hear about it eventually, assuming it's Tuesday I figured he'd he'd go to the sophomore into junior year prep event at his daughter's school and see OW and talk to me later. He called me immediately after that text exchange to vent and share what was going on, and asked my help with resolving the situation. He went to parent thing at his daughter's school, she is missing a ton of work in one class for no reason. (this is not situation related, this has been her MO since we started dating, solid B kid but just picks a class she feels like failing until the 11th hour almost every year) He called her to yell/discuss/parent. Immediately after hanging up with her he texted me telling me he'll fill me in tomorrow. Then presumable went out with OW. Came home some time after I went to bed. Woke me up at 5:30am to ask if he could take some left overs for lunch.
He contacts me via text or in person every single day for something mundane. He's also figured out if he doesn't ask a question I won't talk so now most texts end in a question. I keep things short and pithy. He sticks to mundane surface things to draw me into conversation. I stick to business if I start the conversation. I end the conversation first as much as possible. KristinG might be right. He might just not be comfortable not talking to me. Which I'm fine with. I've gotten very comfortable not talking to him. It's not always easy I see things: memes, shows, or hear a song I know he'd like but I just put it in my pocket. If there's a later I'll share then. If there's not, oh well.
I know it probably seems super odd for some to see how quickly I've gone from desperate to, crumb catching, to detached. But as I've said this isn't my first rodeo with a less than stellar partner. And honestly it wasn't just that. I had one friend, my therapist, and Steve85 question my sanity and intelligence of standing in this all within a week. But that's exactly what I needed to get where I am. I needed the push back. I needed the "why are you doing this?" I needed the "but how can you possibly?" I needed the "well you are far stronger/more of a push over than I'd ever be." Thrown in my face repeatedly. That psychic I saw said within 2 weeks my truth in this situation would be revealed to me. I would find my direction. She was right. I know my path. And it's holding out hope for this marriage in the end. He clearly still has no idea what he wants or needs. And he may very well move out in April and I'm ready for that. I'm ready to file for legal separation if he does. I've already worked on a list of things I'll be doing around the house and trips if he goes. I'm still checking off boxes on my GAL list. I'm also working on a list of things I'll need from him if we R.
My life isn't ideal. Our marriage as it was is dead. And I'm at a place where I'm ok with that. And I'm ok with status quo for a while. He's still 1 foot in, and that's enough for me to allow him time and space, and to remind myself to protect my heart and my head. It's enough for me to take my own time and space, and find me.
You seem at peace with yourself. Good job! I agree that sometimes it's just hard not to have that strong pull and desire to talk. We've spent so many years dreaming and living a life with someone and it's hard to let go. I'm proud of the fact that you are "putting it in your pocket". Sometimes I am still weak and respond too quickly or reach out because of that inner need. It gets easier with time, and viewing that time as a gift for you to find your inner self is helpful.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Just journaling again I suppose. His behavior is getting more odd. To the point I'm almost missing the sullen, angry, withdrawn teenager I had been dealing with.
He made a big social media post about spending time with the girls on Wednesday when I was at an event. And yesterday about how it was his turn to make dinner. I know this because a friend texted me with the screen shots asking if he's going for an academy award.
He waited up for me Wednesday, I was at a professional event, and then out for late dinner with some alum from the women's college I went to as a big group were at the event. He was folding laundry when I came home and told me I looked nice for the first time in months. He made some comments about my weight loss (still on the fence on how I feel about that. I can't really gauge if that was him telling me I was too fat for him or if it's interest in my new body. FYI I gained a lot during my depression, but our sex life didn't change so I didn't think my weight was that offensive to him. The body change in the other direction started when I lost a lot from stress in the beginning of all this because I couldn't eat and when I did it wouldn't stay in, but have been consistently losing since due to the working out and diet changes because well revenge body) I tried to walk away from the conversation he started about my night when he yelled out "hey" to get me to turn around and made the comments he did. He later came into the main bathroom while I was getting ready for bed to "put some things away." Things that had been sitting on his dresser for 2 months. And then in the MBR to get clothes for the gym as I was climbing in bed. He has gym clothes in the living room. He also had the whole night to get those clothes. I didn't get home until almost 11pm.
I came home yesterday, I had things to do and got home well after dinner was made. He had gotten a hard to get ethnic (our ethnicity) drink for me, just for me, not the girls. Granted I'm the only one who likes it but you have to go out of your way to get it. Its not at the local neighborhood supermarket. He did leave to go see OW last night. At least I think he did. He didn't say who he was going out to see last night. I just assume. I just want to preface this with that, but he was all conversation from the time I walked in the door. To the point where he was following me around the house before he left to keeping talking to me. I legit started cleaning the kitchen at 8:30 last night so he'd take the hint. He did not. He also felt it was super important to let me know he'd be "home" and wouldn't be that late and he would be for sure going to work to put in over time today. I'm not sure why I'd care about the OT. I didn't really before BD. I don't really now. We only have a shared savings and I cleared out my 1/2 back in December, everything else has always been separate.
I'm not trying figure out what it all means. I know it all means nothing as long as OW is in the picture. He's just as much of mess as he was when he was the sullen teenager he's just in a new skin. I'm trying to ride the newest wave out as he continues to change the game. It's like playing Shoots and Ladders with a 3 year old.
What I do need here is some advice or clarity on the comments on my body and how I look. I do want him to notice my changing body, BUT I don't know how comfortable I am with him making comments about it. He's repeatedly told me how he has no interest in me and never will. I don't know that he should be taking the space to comment about a body he has no interest in. And like I said I don't know if this is coming from a place of "god you were fat" or "oh I forgot she looks like that." Either way he's the one who set the precedence in the relationship of a big distance. Treating us as if we're basically roommates. So him talking to me like that is akin to commenting about a stranger or a co-worker's weight loss. Telling a stranger how well a dress hangs on them is harassment. I feel like I need to set a boundary here. If old H wanted to say things about my body by all means. That's a part of M. What's mine is yours. But the alien saying things like that, while it did give me a bit of a smirk knowing he noticed, it still made me feel a little uncomfortable. Discussions about my body and compliments about how a form fitting dress, albeit a conservative one, looks on me feel like they should be for my H to make. And engaged, loving one. One that participates in my journey, and has some claim to my body. NOT someone who has the title but hasn't touched me in months. Hasn't complimented me in months. Is dating someone while still under the same roof as me. I feel like I really should've shut that guy down a little more forcefully instead of saying thanks and walking away. But I wouldn't have even know what to say.
What I do need here is some advice or clarity on the comments on my body and how I look. I do want him to notice my changing body, BUT I don't know how comfortable I am with him making comments about it.
My gut response from a seductive perspective is to look him in the eye, say "your not the only one to notice" smile and turn away and keep working.
Another option, from a self esteem issues, just quietly accept it. Do not assign meaning to it.
My lady has fluctuated her weight from underweight to over weight. I have enjoyed her through all the different sizes.
I think the key is your attitude. Projecting confidence. I am a firm believer in being seductive. Have fun with it.
The person I normally am would've throw the "you're not the only one" kind of line out there. He just caught me so off guard I couldn't be my normal quick witted self. He hasn't complimented me in nearly 4 months. To be honest I was a little confused and thought I heard him wrong.
Which probably goes to your #2 point. I am currently faking it until I make it with self esteem right now. In my R with my D's father he spent a ton of time being very cruel about the body I had and the weight struggles I had after I had our daughter. He was privy to my amazing 18 year old body, and refused to accept the new motherly one. Even in that glorious 18 year old body he'd say things like "if you'd just lose a little weight." Spending nearly 10 years like that will wreck a lot of people's self worth. So when my current H and I started dating and he treated me like a golden goddess, 30 something mom body and all, I felt like a totally different woman. Since he took that attention and affection away it's been super hard for me to see my self like that golden godess without being able to see myself through his eyes. <- That has forced me into a 180 loving myself and not gaining my self worth from any one else. But that one is a big one that's taking me some time to be truly successful at. However, you're right R2C. Assigning a meaning to it is more about what's in my head then his.
I think any calculated response to his comments about your weight will show attachment.
That’s probably why he said it. He knows it’s a powerful bread crumb.
Personally, I think you should just turn around and walk straight out the room when he says it.
Give zero indications that you’ll accept any hooks, no matter how powerful. A spiteful comment that others have noticed - you might think this is a good idea, but it’s still taking his bait.
I think any calculated response to his comments about your weight will show attachment.
That’s probably why he said it. He knows it’s a powerful bread crumb.
That makes a ton of sense. It's bait. He knows know how insecure I am about my body. He would've known it took a lot for me to get in that dress and own it. And he knows damn well how much of my body positivity used to rest on his opinion.
In fact he brought it up yesterday also. His SIL was at the event too. He felt like he had to share with me that she had contacted him and mentioned to him how good I look.
Also, your body f***ing MADE A HUMAN BEING. Those changes are reminders that your body is a miracle machine. You should love it and he should worship it.
Honestly? I feel like it doesn't matter if you say thanks, you don't, you shut him down, you smile and accept the compliment. You aren't doing this for him. You're a golden goddess for you. And as long as that attitude is shining through (which I think it is, with you) then I wouldn't worry about how to respond. Whatever feels right in the moment.
Maybe I'm a crap DB-er... Well, I mean I *know* I'm a crap DB-er but I have kind of stopped doing or saying anything with an eye towards his response. Early on, I did a lot of the DR recommended setting goals, monitoring response, carefully making sure I wasn't going down cheeseless tunnels, etc... and I think that while there was a lot of benefit to that in terms of our interactions with each other, it still put all the emphasis on him. Now that we're in this weird limbo place where I know about his A and he just needs to gather up his courage to walk (or not), I feel so much freer to just say what I'm thinking, be honest and open, be OK with letting myself be vulnerable in R talks. Because, what is the worst that can happen? It already basically has. If it drives him away more quickly, yay! Then I get to start the work of moving on.
I also just don't think that these WSs are so calculated in their every move. Some probably are narcissistic sociopaths and are carefully parsing out breadcrumbs calculated to keep you in the perfect spot. Others? Are confused messes right now and honestly don't know what they want. He could be breadcrumbing you to keep you as a firm plan B and make sure you're still in the game since he's sensing your distance. Or, he could be feeling a little pull and freak of yikes! I'm not ready for this and dang she is looking pretty hot these days, and that is why he said it. Or he genuinely knows what a difficult subject it is for you, and the compliment was intended to make you feel good. But all of that means you're parsing out WHAT he means and WHY he said it and HOW your response will or will not affect him. You are the best ever at not really caring about his BS... don't let this one area where you have some hang-ups get you down.
And work it, girl. For real.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
but I have kind of stopped doing or saying anything with an eye towards his response. Early on, I did a lot of the DR recommended setting goals, monitoring response, carefully making sure I wasn't going down cheeseless tunnels, etc... and I think that while there was a lot of benefit to that in terms of our interactions with each other, it still put all the emphasis on him. Now that we're in this weird limbo place where I know about his A and he just needs to gather up his courage to walk (or not), I feel so much freer to just say what I'm thinking, be honest and open, be OK with letting myself be vulnerable in R talks. Because, what is the worst that can happen? It already basically has. If it drives him away more quickly, yay! Then I get to start the work of moving on.