Cross countries separation EU

[sandi2]

If I did not have enough with fighting a battle for my M now she is going to say again that I am unfair and selfish and that I should not move to the same country because we have no future and can never be happy together.

You make decisions based on your moral/religious standards. You do what you believe is right/fair. She is going to continue saying that you are unfair and selfish, b/c that has become her go-to statement about you. Even if she secretly knows that you are being fair, she will not change her mantra. Therefore, don't try to make her see you differently, b/c you can't make her do anything. If she says you are selfish and unfair and will never change, you simply reply with, "I'm sorry you feel that way".......and you let go of trying to convince her that you've changed. Otherwise, your focus is going to remain on your W's thoughts, statements, feelings, reactions, etc.

I am living huge internal conflict. I am 100% confident I can fix my issues and with some cooperation we could have our M back but at the same time I know all is on her hands and I do not deserve a second chance after having hurt her repeatedly with my selfishness.

You have no power to change the past. You do have power to forgive yourself and to transform yourself into the man you want to become. Your changes have to be done without her and the M. I feel you want her to know everything you are working on, or have changed, b/c you believe it will help her give you another chance. However, this type of thinking actually holds you back from the growth you could accomplish. It's going to take more time for your W to see your positive changes b/c she doesn't want to see them at the moment. She would have to change her mantra!

You are not moving to another country for your WAW. You are moving there to be closer to your children.

[Pack_19]

hi Sandi,

Thanks a lot for your message. I guess is still strikes me to my bones that this can be the end. I want my family and my M back and I know for that I need to change, I also know the only way to change and grow is to become at peace with your past, your mistakes, the areas where you can/must grow and the fact that your happiness lies within you.

I am 100% up for the move because of my children, even if all things come to a D I will be there for them, in their lives, in their routine, having fun with them and helping when they need me. These 4 past months focused on my W and the separation feels like I have let myself drift away from the lives of my children. That is not me, no matter what happens they will know they have a strong father who will be there for their happiness and growth.

Turns out when W called me the other day was to tell me both C have a fever and need to stay with her mom. She has been polite I would say the last 2 times we spoke over the phone. Who knows, maybe me sacrificing my career and salary to be back in Spain counts as an act she appreciates. I dont know, I have no expectations and I do not want to celebrate this as a victory but I can for sure celebrate there has been no fury call about my lawyer stopping the juridical process. We are officially on hold until I am in Spain and can see the dynamics of my new job.

Day after day as I socialize more and more it feels as if she is not there in my life. Of course she is not but you all know what I mean, I guess this is the kind of healthy space she needs from me. I am wearing the ring, I have not contacted her since we had that terrible argument when I was in Chicago, I feel healthier than ever and able to change. Next goal, keep spirits up in front of W, I have still failed there so far.

Thank you all for the help and again GAL like a madman

[Pack_19]

hi all,

I had a small victory today but I dont want to get too high on expectations so I will write it here and continue as if nothing happened. My W called me today to tell me the medication our little one is taking. I listened to all and focused 200% on what she had to tell me. Once she was finished I told her I need to pick up the keys from our old house that she kept and asked to go for a walk this weekend. She replied that she will be out all weekend (better than the old I am not going to see you), I said I understood wished her a good day and hanged up.

Minutes later she wrote to me to tell me some details and I made the mistake of asking if she would be up for early dinner out today. She read it, ignored it as always, I was ready to distance myself again and continue my LRT when minutes later she replied "today I cant". I thanked her and wished her a good weekend and good rest.

Now I know she did not say yes, I should have not said a word about meeting and she might still be very angry with me. But the thing is that to me the fact that she answered is a baby step, how sad but true! It has been 12 weeks since she left home and I thought by now she would be much more calm. I am giving her space to the point that she is not in my life and I am not in hers and I guess that is "working".

Again, no expectations and getting ready for the worst I just felt like I needed to share it. Finally I am starting to listen to you guys, finally I am starting to see the man I want to be when I look into the mirror and my goal is to be the man any woman would be a fool to leave behind. I could not imagine I needed the space and time as much as she does to really make changes happen. Thank you all, I will keep posting and working on myself.

[BenB]

You really shouldn´t suggesting going for a walk or dinners. My W, even when things were at their worst agreed to all these dinners I suggested and I was too blind to see how that was considered pursuit. Sandi tried explaining this too me and I wish I would have stopped immediately then. Now is not the time for you to do any of that.

I too thought that by my W wanting to be near me, that was a positive sign but all it meant was my W was trying to keep me hooked as plan B. Plus she actually enjoyed eating good food and letting me pay for it. How do you think that made me look in her eyes? She is completely disrespecting me and I reward her by offering her fancy dinners and quality time with me?

The day I had enough, when I made it clear I am moving on with my life and I have no time for someone who doesn´t want to be with me, that is the day her behavior changed.

[Pack_19]

hi Ben,

Yes I always have this plan B thoughts when I see some light and they really hit my confidence and self esteem but in case we were to meet believe me is not going to be a fancy place. I am very sure her love language is quality time and despite it might not be the time I would want to make it all about that if the opportunity shows up.

I am on the same mindset. I have no time in my new life for a person that does not want me to be part of hers but I dont want us to be out of any R chance because of her decision to remain prideful or stubborn. I dont know, she would never be like that, maybe she is now, I dont know her anymore.

[BenB]

My W love language is/was physical touch. But that was when things were fine between us. After BD none of that matters. I´m not even saying that your W is trying to keep you as plan B by giving you the signs you consider perhaps to be baby steps but she most definitely doesn´t want the pressure of your pursuit.

Even if things get better between you and she starts reaching out again, you shouldn´t be suggesting dinners. Doesn´t matter if it´s a fancy dinner or not. It could be McDonalds, you are still showing her by your behavior that you will be there for her if she ever decides she wants you back. For me, the real test began when my W went from being this dark, unrecognizable monster to more of what she used to be. She enjoyed spending time with me again. And I thought things were going to work out. We event went to Paris for a weekend and had so much fun. It was when I came home that I realized she´s just trying to keep me on the hook. How do I know? Because despite months of us hanging out, going for walks, weekend trips and dinners, there still was no intimacy!

A few of the vets have posted this and it couldn´t be more true - You are never as attractive as when you walk away. She wants space? Give her space.

It seems by your previous post that you think you can somehow do something about her decision to remain prideful and stubborn. That if you don´t do something, it will hurt your chances of R. The best thing you can do for yourself is to detach and focus on yourself.

[FlySolo]

Paco,

You have to stop asking her to do things with you, no matter how small or unromantic they seem to you. It just gets you into a tither (look at how excited you are just because she said "today I can't). You are reading into things that don't need to be read into. This is not a small victory. This is her being polite.

I look back on the last 18 months, and I know that when my H was nice to me it was either because he thought I was slipping away, or because things were going well in his life. He was dating and texting other women while he was doing me favours like tidying up the garden, giving me lifts, and generally being nice to me. And I would say to myself, see he, is being nice to me. Maybe he is thawing. But he wasn't. He was just scared of losing me or things were going well in his life and he thought he had the wool over my eyes.

I am not saying that is what your W is doing. I am just saying that not everything is always as they seem. Focus on you. Leave her to her. She will find her way, and if she wants to come back she will.

You may think you are listening to us, but you aren't. You are still allowing her actions and words to dictate your actions and words.

How are the kids? Are you any closer to moving closer to them?

[Pack_19]

hi Ben, FS,

wow the saddest thing about reading your comments is that almost all the things written in this board are or come to be very true. Yes I looked back at myself and thought how sad it is I got excited about her replying to my message. I do not think about plan B and those things is just that always when she seems polite I remember all the advice on this board about not jumping back when she shows interest or becomes softer so I had to lift off the throttle and get back to LRT and working on me.

It is being a terrible weekend, as you say, look at me she just replies a TM to say I cant and I get all excited. how sad. In about 3 weeks I have the moving with my company, they will come pick everything up and then I have 5 extra holidays to set up myself here.

The children are both sick this weekend, again, hahaha I am like a nurse when I am here in Spain. But we are having fun. I can tell they miss me and love having time with me and that always recharges my batteries.

I have made a list of fears I have that are preventing me from fully moving on:

> I fear never having my family back
> I fear having someone else raising my children
> I fear that my W is never able to let go and forgive what happened these years
> I fear losing contact with the lives of my children
> I fear never being able to bring attraction and her feelings back

I know is good to be aware of these but also I need to figuratively take them on my hands and drop them on the floor to be able to fully move on with confidence. Am I supposed to behave as if I could not care less about her? Even when she told me I was the problem and I had to change? I appreciate all your help guys, I will take your words and try to keep them alive in my head. You have made 2 great points, our R is unique and we cannot compare and I am making a huge mistake by reading where there is nothing to be read. Thanks a lot to all of you. Please keep posting, as I always say, you are the only ones who can understand the marathon I am going through.

hugs,
Paco

[Pack_19]

hi all,

had a bad day yesterday, one of my wisdom teeth is pushing out and I could not sleep all night. Worst thing is I spent hours thinking about all the things my W told me home during our domestic separation. The way she started hiding her life from me and telling me things as that I am not the one she wants to be hugged by. I know I cannot fall into these thoughts but it was just a rough night and I ended up feeling broken and discouraged. Then I remembered rule 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

I spoke to my children again today, both are cured from the bad flu they had. This means I got sick but also managed to get them back on track and that makes me happy. I have almost everything set for the move to Spain and I keep going out to build that social life without her but oh boy this is hard. I have started wearing my ring again, my friends find it pathetic but I do not care and sad as it sounds I still havent fully accepted my marriage is over (I am working on that) but at least the space I am giving her is again as if there was an ocean between us.

When I get back to Spain I am going to take my children costume shopping and I plan to throw a party for the new house there just with the two of them. I see no progress in my W but I will keep doing my thing.

thank you all

[sandi2]

Glad you are feeling better, Pack. Old behavior patterns are hard to break, but you have to keep training yourself to a different behavior.

Every time you have the desire to ask your W to take a walk with you, or go out to dinner, or have a chat........you must remember this is pressure on her. Every time you ask her to give you a few moments with her, you might as well place yourself back to day one of the separation. Okay? Stop pursuing your W! Write it on the inside your eyelids.