That's why I asked you. When we are in this situation, everyone has such great advice. None of which seems to have any effect on our sitch. You are correct. Her email didn't require a response at all. At this juncture, I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn. As far as deleting my FB, I would much rather block my xw. FB is the way I connect with my extended family. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey. Once again, thank you for your advice.
I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn.
All the differing advise does make the decision process a little tougher. The key is to evaluate all your options. Make a plan. Execute your plan. Live with the consequences of that decision. Down the road, if you don't like where you are headed, you can re-evaluate and come up with a different plan.
I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey.
I agree absolutely.
One of the excellent things about this forum is it allows you to come here with ongoing issues and seek guidance before you take action. I would recommend actively seeking advice here before you plan to do anything if you are concerned.
Even something as seemingly minor as that email your XW sent and you responded to. I think its better to come and get advice beforehand, than to come after and say this is what happened and this is what I did, especially when things are early and you're getting the hang of DB.
Good luck mate!
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I don't think that your response was bad other then it sort of contradicts what you said. By responding to the what you call "touch and go" contact you are inviting more of them and it seems to have set you back in the recovery process.
IMO you are years away from any true of true reconciliation. Judging by your personality type you will have moved on way before this happens.
Space Im in a similar boat with the whole contact/no contact thing. I think a lot of us are, because despite the erosion of trust and breakdown of communications, we want to still keep giving small chances to see if our humor, our GAL, our healing, and our demeanor starts to evoke just a little vulnerability in the other person. It kind of feels like a game of give and take where at moments its very business like, and other moments where the X will ask inquisitive questions about you, about your family, about what is going on in your current life, where they offer nothing about there's and their changes, but want to know what's going on with you. You have to gauge it on the fly every single time. They offer nothing. You give them nothing. They offer you a little something you give them a little something. Its going to go back and forth and feel like a game after months and months of not communicating, only communicating on child or business related stuff, them opening up a little, then retreating and you doing the same. I would think there is nothing attractive about being guarded on both parties, but if they pull away, you should pull away harder, if they cone a little closer then you do the same. I don't know how affective all this is in the long run, but on one hand you want to show your best self that is moving forward, doing good, focused, and on center. On the other hand. They're business is none of yours and vice versa. The person that used to miss us is no longer attracted to us in that sense. Essentially you don't need to be married, you don't need a relationship, you don't need another person to do the things you want to do or to be happy, you don't need another person in your life to have a good one. You just need... Well? You....The fact that our SO has gone through great lengths and measure to somewhat remove us, but yet still keep us in their lives goes to show ITS ALL ABOYT THEM, THEIR PERCEPTIONS, THEIR FEELINGS, THEIR WANTS AND NEEDS, THEIR DESIRES, AND THEIR LIVES. Its short sighted. They are most likely thinking 5 years out at best, and willing to take a chance based off of their current experiences, feelings, plans, and fantasies. Doesn't matter if its another lover, traveling like it was Eat Love Pray, a few wellness and yoga classes, or whatever else they GAL with or seek. They are willing to take a chance for a new life without us. There is absolutely nothing we can do to control, act, or manipulate the situation, but be patient, focus on ourselves, regroup, and rebuild. Even I myself in the midst of all this have been asking myself as of lately. "Where do I want to go without XW? What do I want to see? How do I want my life to look? Is there more freedom, choice, and experience and potential that life has to offer with or without them? Will my imagined experiences be similar to reality when I experience them?" Some of these situations work out for the better because people realize how much the other is improving, and realise the loss. Some don't and take a gamble with starting over. We marry on promises based on potential, and we also divorce based on that potential as well. A lot of people aren't patient enough to wait it out for 3 to 5 years. Feelings changes, trust changes, habits change, people change. There is nothing you can do, say, or think to sway another person to stay or recommit. The heart wants what it wants, when it wants it. Doesn't always make it right or sound. Just human nature I guess. But the best thing you can do is position yourself to take daily action to improving yourself. Just keep in mind. Stand up for your self your morals and principles. Command respect. Be pleasant, and don't do anything to further worsen the situation. If something whether it be an email, text message, phone call, doesn't require a response. Let it go. Keep interactions to a minimum. Keep responses to a minimum. If someone wants out. Let them go. They have to return on their own volition, and we have no control over that. That is why the losses that they get, they must feel over 2-5 years. Because the grass could be greener to them once they experience it. Or? It may not be. They might come running back with bread crumbs to bait us. You might be done by then? Their loss, your gain. You re gain of peace, improvement, travel, growth, comfort, independence, etc. A lot of people aren't willing to tolerate the good the bad and the ugly in M, most just want the good. In their world everything is supposed to be on the up and up. That is why they walk. So let them live it and find out for themselves.
That's why I asked you. When we are in this situation, everyone has such great advice. None of which seems to have any effect on our sitch. You are correct. Her email didn't require a response at all. At this juncture, I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn. As far as deleting my FB, I would much rather block my xw. FB is the way I connect with my extended family. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey. Once again, thank you for your advice.
Space, I understand you are hurting and grasping at straws. I was there too. If you read my threads you see lots of struggles with DBing, starts and stops, etc. What I can tell you is that when you do the what seems counter-intuitive it has amazing effects on you the DBer. And sometimes it has positive effects on the WAS She EXPECTS you to respond to her. She EXPECTS you to try to hold on for dear life. When you do the opposite of that she will wonder why. Curiosity is big attractant. I can remember my W writing in her journals when we first met that she was so curious to get to know more about me. That is a powerful tool in our arsenal as LBSs. Trigger that curiousity. "Why haven't I heard from him?" "Why did he delete his FB account?" "Why did hasn't he asked about the cats?" "Why does everyone say he is so busy?"
And I have extended family. I connect with them regularly. Text messages. Group texts. Sharing photos. Phone calls. I know people that have FB and sure you can block her but that doesn't mean your paths won't cross on there. Or that you won't go to her profile to get your fix. I've never heard a reason why LBSs have to keep their FB account that weren't pure excuses. Up to you, but I've seen LBSs that delete FB, and those that don't. Guess which ones struggle the most?
I am not anti-life coach. But do not settle for one that isn't working for you. No reason you can't shop around, like you would for a car. If he is telling you to respond to her emails instead of ignoring her to move on to the best version of yourself, then I would seriously consider a new one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Space sorry you are here. Reading your story felt like I was reading mine. Listen to the vets on here. There advice is golden. At times like they said it will feel like the advice is wrong but it isn’t. It works I didn’t listen to the advice and I got divorced. You spoke of depression. I never experienced it until my situation too. Get an IC, lean on people you trust and feel comfortable with, if you feel like crying, do it in a private space, let it out it actually helps. If necessary go on AD I did for 6 months just to get me on track. Use this place for advice or to vent. This forum has helped me so much. Just know you are not alone and from what it sounds like you did nothing wrong. This is her journey and only she can work though it.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Thank you everyone for your insight and wisdom. This latest contact was a set back in my attempt at detachment. I really was doing well at beginning to focus on myself and not worry about what the exw was doing. I have done well at GAL and at focusing my energy on myself in the gym and in my career. I think I will take the advice of the people here. I honestly didn't want to respond to the email and likely wouldn't have if my life coach had not thought it was a good idea. If this were a normal divorce, I would know exactly how to deal with such things. Being it is some bizarre MLC, the rules of the game are completely different it seems. I have been through two other long term relationship breakups that each lasted 5 years. Those took way less time to heal from and weren't nearly as damaging to me. I chose to move on from those women and I was very resilient and stayed the course even though the second one I was engaged to, begged me back. I know I have the strength in me to move on and heal from this, but I know it is going to be much harder than the previous two. Once again, thank you everyone. I will reach out to you all for advice on this thread if another touch and go rears its ugly head.
Yeah those messages they send do feel weird don’t they. It’s hard to adjust to the fact that what was your wife one day is now an alien. Just follow the principles here of don’t reply unless it’s a question and even then wait some time.
There’s heaps of mlc resources here. I’ve read pretty much everything. I’m one of those blokes who needs to know answers.
With fb I just don’t look. I think my XW blocked me but she’s still a fb friend on my list so not sure what happened. I don’t do fb anyway.
Don’t just come here when you need to relate a touch and go. Post regularly about anything you want and people here will support and encourage you
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Thank you DS9. I will begin posting more regarding my triumphs and failures as well. I'm trying to utilize the advice of just focusing on one day at a time, so I don't get too far ahead of myself. I have a tendency to look too far down the road in all aspects of life. I overthink and overanalyze. I need to learn patience. I need to stop and take a deep breath at times. I need to do more self reflection. And I really need to continue to work on myself and correct any flaws that I may have as a person. There is always room for improvement. I am trying to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I was robbed of those things this past year. I have been going to dinner and to a movie alone once per week. Getting to know myself a little bit better. It helps my confidence to do those things. Since I've been in Phoenix, I have hit all of the trendy hangouts ...alone. I'm probably the only person going to these places by themself, but it helps my confidence to know that I can do those things with nobody else. Once again...thanks for all of your support
