Hi greenman, sorry you are here but I am sure you will get some fantastic help. I have read your sitch and wanted to add two minor things.
1. I have suffered the 49% probable feeling-less hug and it only contributed to my emotional spiraling in a moment when I needed to focus on myself as much as possible. I would say let her come to you but only you know her and the situation on your skin.
2. I have read with great interest about the ring. I wanted to keep mine on but my WAW made it sound as if I was being crazy and disrespectful to her. As if me wearing the ring was a tie to her and a lack of awareness of what was going on in our M. We are physically separated now but I want to wear the ring as my commitment to our M, would you say it makes sense to put it on?
stay strong, do things that make you happy as if you were a teenager again and let her come to you. Those are my 2 cents.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Pretty controlling of your W to ask you to take it off, but I am sure that happens often. Maybe the pros here know what you should do in that case of being asked to take it off. My W hasn't said a thing about mine, but I know she notices.
I think it is your decision. You should keep it on as long as you are married if you want.
To be honest I struggle with the decision daily to keep it on. Trying to detach LOVINGLY is so hard. The ring is a reminder of everything both good and bad. I am fighting for my M and my kids, so I have to keep it on. I guess that is the way I look at it...despite all these emotions telling me otherwise and why just me.
Not sure what the W would think if I suddenly took it off after months keeping it on. Always wondered.
yes it was very harsh but it was during our domestic separation (that I never respected because I am as stubborn as a brick) and she shouted that I was crazy for now looking at pictures and wanting to keep the ring. I talked then to some friends and they said well if she wants you to respect her then take it off and show her you understand the old M is dead. So I did and I put it on a little box at my nightstand. I regret it everyday but I fear she is going to despise me for it if I wear it as she did when she was home, almost like saying in which kind of fantasy do you think you live to keep it, I do not want to be with you and our M is dead.
She also decided when it was time to tell our families, when it was time to tell our friends, when I had to move out of our marital house to save on rent, she decided it was nonsense for me to move back to Spain and yes basically she has been on the wheel ever since. But you are right, the ring is a reminder of our commitment, my determination to remain her H and at the same time is a reminder of all that has fallen apart and is broken now.
I will wear it again, even if it is until we reach D, where she seems to be driving to. GAL like a madman! Thanks a lot greenman
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
When you have a decision to make, either choice A or B (or C or D etc), she will not be happy with either one you choose. So forget about how she will react. Make your choice on what is the right thing to do. Make your choice based off of your core values. Make your choice based on recommendations here. Make your decision based on what is best for your kids. Validate her emotions. Don't feed the fire.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Need some schooling. Invite WAW to nice events with kids or not.
In the past, I say we are going to X, let me know if you want to go. Typically, W ends up going and we have a good family time.
However, there is a 50/50 chance I get a kick in the (heart) with a social media post as if I am not there.
I have been letting it go and not saying anything.
If I had a future event that is really cool, now I am torn on even inviting. IC thinks the time together is good and if I get kicked in the nuts I should say something next time.
I thought well why even ask if I am going to get that effect again. So if I don't invite I will probably hear that and if I do I might get hurt. Although, maybe I shouldn't care.
Last edited by job; 02/15/2006:54 PM. Reason: edited language
My sitch might be totally different to you but my experience on that sense has been bad. Sometimes when I was going to be in a park or at an important Christmas parade alike event I would politely tell my W I would be there in case she wanted to join and would understand if she did not. ALL the times I got ignorance, not even a comment about these plans.
After messaging with Sandi in my thread she made me realize I was using these opportunities to reach to her even when my intentions were that we both enjoyed the happiness of our children at these events AT A POINT SHE WAS NOT OPEN TO IT. It made me think, a lot, I do not need to use my children to reach the heart of my W if that is ever to happen. So I stopped doing it, I am working on me and my social life, I have now assumed my M is over and I will let her come to me if that is ever to happen. Again, my sitch might be twisted compared to yours but read her, before you try it 10 times as I did.
stay strong greenman, give her space if in doubt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Need some schooling. Invite WAW to nice events with kids or not.
In the past, I say we are going to X, let me know if you want to go. Typically, W ends up going and we have a good family time.
However, there is a 50/50 chance I get a kick in the (heart) with a social media post as if I am not there.
I have been letting it go and not saying anything.
If I had a future event that is really cool, now I am torn on even inviting. IC thinks the time together is good and if I get kicked in the nuts I should say something next time.
I thought well why even ask if I am going to get that effect again. So if I don't invite I will probably hear that and if I do I might get hurt. Although, maybe I shouldn't care.
Have you ever heard the definition of insanity? If so, how does that apply to the above post?
Last edited by job; 02/15/2006:54 PM. Reason: edited language
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
