Weeks ago I booked a staycation with the kids for Valentine’s Day weekend thinking that it will be too much for me handle- a weekend with uncertainty not knowing whether H will even be around etc. I need to GAL!!!!!! but I decided to cancel few days ago because I’m more at peace now than I was then when I booked the staycation. Hope you will get to that peaceful place soon.
Meanwhile- kids are the best tools for distraction. Lol! I second what everyone else says, do something fun with the kids, start a new tradition. Or if you are feeling brave enough, go eat a fancy dinner by yourself. Or is there an axe throwing place where you live? Those things are so popular these days.
I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling down. Hang in there, detach detach detach.
Weeks ago I booked a staycation with the kids for Valentine’s Day weekend thinking that it will be too much for me handle- a weekend with uncertainty not knowing whether H will even be around etc. I need to GAL!!!!!! but I decided to cancel few days ago because I’m more at peace now than I was then when I booked the staycation. Hope you will get to that peaceful place soon.
Meanwhile- kids are the best tools for distraction. Lol! I second what everyone else says, do something fun with the kids, start a new tradition. Or if you are feeling brave enough, go eat a fancy dinner by yourself. Or is there an axe throwing place where you live? Those things are so popular these days.
I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling down. Hang in there, detach detach detach.
Wayfarer- that rage room idea is AWESOME.
I hope I do get to that place of peace eventually, but I doubt it will happen in time for V Day. I like the staycation idea.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I need more frequent IC sessions. I am having more crying spells and my energy level is getting lower. I thought this would get easier but perhaps I am doing something wrong. I am beginning to feel like a doormat, sitting back watching H do all these crazy things to me and our family with no remorse. It is definitely emotional abuse in the most passive aggressive way imaginable. I feel so conflicted in how to move forward. Some days I want to just throw in the towel, call a realtor, put the house up for sale and leave with the kids. Other days I want to pray, DB and wait it out (in spite of the tears, frustration, etc.)
H has no intention to correct his behavior, it seems. He is enjoying having his cake and eating it too at the expense of our marriage and my feelings. Our dead shell of a marriage is killing me emotionally more and more each day. I try to GAL, 180, focus on the kids, focus on work, pray, etc., but the pain is still lurking in the background and the tears always manage to show up in my eyes at the most inconvenient times. I am not saying that separation or divorce would make that pain disappear because I am not that naive, but trying not to mention the relationship at all to H is driving me bonkers!!! His actions are so disrespectful. The last time I told him this, he simply reminded me about his discontent with being married and told me he wants to be free.
Although I do not have concrete proof of an affair, the circumstances are enough for anyone not in denial to see that there MUST be an OW because why else would H spend 2 to 3 nights a week (sometimes entire weekends) somewhere other than home and not tell us where he is? My D9 is starting to have more questions concerning his whereabouts than I can answer and I refuse to lie to my children to protect a wayward spouse.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/28/2004:15 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Clearly not a vet, but I just want to mention a few things: this is your journey. You want to throw in the towel you do that. You want to stand do that. But it seems like you're still on the fence. When you have a decision, you'll know it. It's pretty clear detaching is not working for you, or you're not working it, his behavior should not have this much control over your day to day emotions, no matter how poor his behavior is. I think more IC is a good idea but you'll have to make it a point to focus on detachment skills and ways to combat your anxiety over this. Also, you may also want to ask your IC about situational depression and anxiety and if you should be talking to your GP or a psychiatrist about maybe getting some help during this time in your life.
I am not perfect at this. None of us are, but you seem to really be struggling keeping your emotions in check with him. You can't make a solid decision from a place of chaos. And you can't get out of chaos if you keep obsessing over him and his behavior. He's a garbage person right now. You can't expect him to behave like a saint and lament in your unmet expectations. You wouldn't expect a known thief to not take your things. You can't expect anything from him this includes model husband and father behavior. No matter how much you are owed and deserve that. In fact you shouldn't have any expectations regarding him and his behavior. You need to start living in the space that one day he's just not going to come home any more. The whole point of DBing is getting the LBS to a point where they can live life with or with out their spouse. So they can be a whole healthy person who can lead and control an R with a not so whole healthy person, or move the hell on. If you're not ready to make the decision to stick this out or end this then you need to be ready to at least live your life AS IF he's never going to be him again, AS IF he is no longer a member of that family, AS IF you are over him and his BS behavior. Your mental health can't take staying on this roller coaster. Your health can't take you at this stress level forever. Your kids need an anchor. You need peace. Take it, make it, because your H will never in a million years give it to you.
Your kids need an anchor. You need peace. Take it, make it, because your H will never in a million years give it to you.
THIS... this is how to take back power while standing. Somehow these words are really resonating with me.
HesAble, have you tried meditation or deep breathing exercises? Yoga? When you feel yourself flooding, maybe try closing your eyes and doing four long, deep breaths... or more, until you feel your heart rate return to baseline. Yoga has been really important for me-- I can be totally spinning and upset and ready to confront H, then go to a yoga class and just feel happier and have more perspective on everything.
To follow up on Wayfarer-- what would it look like if he didn't live at your house? What are things you've always wanted to do that he wasn't as into? I think I mentioned this before on someone's thread, but after BD I went out and bought all new bedding for the MB, colors I liked, new comforter I love. I've also been keeping lists of all the things I'll do once H is gone (like get a dog). Mine is more present right now than yours, so I can't actually get a dog quite yet, but yours has basically checked out and doesn't seem like he should have very much say in what is going on in the household since he isn't participating. Make a plan! Do what YOU want to do! Get the kids out of the house every weekend and do fun things together. Repaint your bathroom or your bedroom or both. (I feel like a really nice paint job in a beautiful color is always really soothing-- you feel good every time you look at it.) These are just ideas that would work for me, but you can figure out what works for you... and then do it.
You got this.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Clearly not a vet, but I just want to mention a few things: this is your journey. You want to throw in the towel you do that. You want to stand do that. But it seems like you're still on the fence. When you have a decision, you'll know it. It's pretty clear detaching is not working for you, or you're not working it, his behavior should not have this much control over your day to day emotions, no matter how poor his behavior is. I think more IC is a good idea but you'll have to make it a point to focus on detachment skills and ways to combat your anxiety over this. Also, you may also want to ask your IC about situational depression and anxiety and if you should be talking to your GP or a psychiatrist about maybe getting some help during this time in your life.
I am not perfect at this. None of us are, but you seem to really be struggling keeping your emotions in check with him. You can't make a solid decision from a place of chaos. And you can't get out of chaos if you keep obsessing over him and his behavior. He's a garbage person right now. You can't expect him to behave like a saint and lament in your unmet expectations. You wouldn't expect a known thief to not take your things. You can't expect anything from him this includes model husband and father behavior. No matter how much you are owed and deserve that. In fact you shouldn't have any expectations regarding him and his behavior. You need to start living in the space that one day he's just not going to come home any more. The whole point of DBing is getting the LBS to a point where they can live life with or with out their spouse. So they can be a whole healthy person who can lead and control an R with a not so whole healthy person, or move the hell on. If you're not ready to make the decision to stick this out or end this then you need to be ready to at least live your life AS IF he's never going to be him again, AS IF he is no longer a member of that family, AS IF you are over him and his BS behavior. Your mental health can't take staying on this roller coaster. Your health can't take you at this stress level forever. Your kids need an anchor. You need peace. Take it, make it, because your H will never in a million years give it to you.
I am not detaching properly. It is so HARD to do! And I think part of the reason for that is that I have continued being intimate with H when he initiates it, thinking that this is a way to meet my needs and telling myself to remember it is only sex because H clearly has no love for me. I tell myself this, but my heart knows there are still feelings there on my part. I actually do not want to stop the intimacy because it is one of the few joys we share nowadays other than our children.
You are right. I have got to get a grip so I can continue to be my kids' anchor and keep my health. I do feel like my health is starting to deteriorate because I am too consumed with H's bad behavior.
I will definitely talk to the IC about all these feelings. And I will make sure I have a clear decision because you are right - I am on the fence right now and that is what is most frustrating for me.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/28/2009:19 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
HesAble, have you tried meditation or deep breathing exercises? Yoga? When you feel yourself flooding, maybe try closing your eyes and doing four long, deep breaths... or more, until you feel your heart rate return to baseline. Yoga has been really important for me-- I can be totally spinning and upset and ready to confront H, then go to a yoga class and just feel happier and have more perspective on everything.
To follow up on Wayfarer-- what would it look like if he didn't live at your house? What are things you've always wanted to do that he wasn't as into? I think I mentioned this before on someone's thread, but after BD I went out and bought all new bedding for the MB, colors I liked, new comforter I love. I've also been keeping lists of all the things I'll do once H is gone (like get a dog). Mine is more present right now than yours, so I can't actually get a dog quite yet, but yours has basically checked out and doesn't seem like he should have very much say in what is going on in the household since he isn't participating. Make a plan! Do what YOU want to do! Get the kids out of the house every weekend and do fun things together. Repaint your bathroom or your bedroom or both. (I feel like a really nice paint job in a beautiful color is always really soothing-- you feel good every time you look at it.) These are just ideas that would work for me, but you can figure out what works for you... and then do it.
You got this.
I do need to try yoga and meditation. My mind is always racing and it is so difficult to just sit still and meditate nowadays.
I actually started a list of things I plan to do if H leaves a few weeks ago (I cannot remember if someone here suggested it - maybe you - thanks). Funny, I also included getting a dog! LOL. My list has about 30 very wonderful, exciting things on it already! I smile BIG whenever I look at that list!!! It really does help.
I do need to find other ways to get the same feeling I get from reading and adding to that list.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/28/2009:23 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Yes! And is there a list of things you can want to do that you can even start now? Next week? I love may's ideas of changing out bedding or painting a bathroom.
I am not detaching properly. It is so HARD to do! And I think part of the reason for that is that I have continued being intimate with H when he initiates it, thinking that this is a way to meet my needs and telling myself to remember it is only sex because H clearly has no love for me. I tell myself this, but my heart knows there are still feelings there on my part. I actually do not want to stop the intimacy because it is one of the few joys we share nowadays other than our children.
I can't tell you how to live your life. You gotta do what's right for you but please hear me out. I have zero judgement on casual sex. Zero judgement on you doing you as far as it comes to intimacy. Zero judgments on separated folks / divorced folks, banging one out here and there. But for me, my husband isn't casual sex. While i understand In my sitch I have an apparent OW so things are a bit different. And trust me when I say I would give anything to hate F my husband right now. He hasn't touched me since November. But... and this is a big but, the day I excused him from our bed and it became MY bed was the day the muffin shop closed until further notice. That's the love of my life who looked me in the eye and said our marriage is unsalvageable. His love for me is gone. There is no way in h3ll the person who devastated me like that is getting in my bed when he wants, much less between my thighs. Maybe some day when he's out of the house and he sends an "are you up?" text to me late on a Friday night, months from now and I'm desperate for touch, there's a remote chance that can be a thing. But there is no way I'm letting him live both his married life and his single life under the roof we share AND give it up. He's already getting the comfort of our kids, and a house that's always stocked with food and toilet paper, he's not getting more from me. He wants that single life so bad that includes that single life work to get laid. Easy, simple, I know exactly what you like, married sex is for married men that wanna be married. I get that you have needs. Dear lord in heaven, I get the needs part. But you need to really ask yourself if filling that need is worth your mental health. And to be honest possibly your physical health, because he is gone a lot, there are things you might not know.
Last edited by job; 01/29/2011:31 PM. Reason: edited language
