Moving forward 7

[AlisonUK]

Hi Alison,

Just a question and I don't know if this is considered DBing or anything... but are there things you DO feel safe in sharing with him, and getting him to share with you? As you start to rebuild trust and intimacy, of course you are scared and sad. And what you're both going through right now is super heavy and difficult, and maybe you both aren't ready to share where you are with the other person who figures so prominently in why you are feeling this way. I just wonder if you can start small, talk about important things that aren't R-related, relationships with colleagues or parents or whatever where you can begin to rebuild the connection between the two of you?

Have fun out with your friends-- relax and enjoy!

This is a good question. We chat to each other about work, general domestic organisation. I can tell him I've had a hard day and he's generally supportive and kind in response. I hope I'm kind when he tells me about his day, which he does. We talk a little about Youngest - though Eldest is still a topic we generally avoid for the sake of peace.

I'm not sure we'll ever be on the same page as parents but it is getting better. I feel I am better at setting boundaries. H has commented he feels I am a more assertive parent. But he still feels undermined now and again. He is very committed to the idea that shaming or humiliating a child or young person is a good way to extract desirable behaviour from them. I have listened to his theories about this. I lay this against my own gut feelings, my own experiences of how being shamed and humiliated has worked for me, the parenting books I've read and the support and advice I've sought from other parents. Generally the consensus is that it's a terrible parenting strategy. H is extremely sensitive to the idea that he's being shamed or laughed at himself (he has terrible social anxiety) so how he squares his own sensitivity with the feeling that it's good to do that to a younger person in his care makes no sense to me.

I've asked that he don't use mocking, name-calling, nasty laughter or threats to discipline Eldest. And he has stopped doing those things. Totally. Though I do know it's more as a favour to me than because he thinks they are cruel and borderline emotionally abusive parenting tactics. And I think when Eldest does act up (which isn't that often actually - he's doing great at school, does his chores at home, gives a bit of back chat now and again but is generally decent and helpful and is reliable at coming home when he is asked to, etc) I don't tend to get support from H because he tells me I've 'banned' him from parenting. I will set consequences and time-outs and talk through better choices with my children. H feels this is pandering to them so, I guess because he feels he's not allowed to do what he actually wants to do, he just withdraws. This comes between us.

I guess if I felt that I'd messed up or I was worried about something or I needed a friend, some compassion and emotional support, I would not go to him. He's too critical and mean for that. Something about any perceived emotional neediness brings out a really horrible side to him. I lean on my friends and my own resources. We're not close. I struggle with respecting him and even liking him on most days. When he is affectionate and warm with me - which does happen much more often than it did - I struggle to relax and appreciate it because I find him to be quite dishonest about his feelings and motivations. He's not a communicator.

He's drinking more again this week. He's also lying about it. I didn't ask him how much he drank, but he volunteered that he'd had one bottle of beer and went to bed early. I actually found lots of empty bottles hidden behind a cabinet in the downstairs utility. There's no rule about what or how much he drinks: I just choose not to be in the room with him when he's drunk as he tends to be emotional and reactive and unpleasant so I will take myself away somewhere else without a comment. The fact he's clearly lying about it worries me, given the commitment to honesty.

I guess where we are right now is that I really don't think there have been any wholesale changes in who my H is or how he sees his role in our M and its troubles. I may just be afraid and need to give this more time, but what I see is a man who is 'keeping some rules' or 'pretending to keep some rules' in order to get back into the house, rather than a man who has had a heart change and is able to speak up clearly for what he wants and needs and follow through on that. I struggle with respect. I find his evasiveness and dishonesty pathetic rather than hurtful these days.

There is more that I could do. I could be more compassionate and understand that these behaviours come from fear. He's a man that runs entirely on shame - his fear of being shamed socially, and his believe that shame is actually something good that keeps people in line. His mocking behaviours towards me have always been about shaming me to moderate something about my behaviour he doesn't like or can't manage. I could try to view that with more pity and compassion and try to do my part in making our home a safe space for him. I'm just not sure that I want to. When I look at this coldly, I am not sure I get enough out of a fairly superficial connection with him to make it worth the effort. I'm financially independent and don't really rely on him for anything practical or emotional.

I guess my increased detachment has removed some of the power his abusive behaviours used to have over me. These days, when they do emerge (and it is much much much rarer than it was) I see them as rather childish and silly and beneath contempt. But it isn't really enough - that he's stopped being abusive. What is needed is openness and honesty from him. Some sense that he desires me, that my feelings and thoughts are of interest to him, that he's wanting to improve our connection and is willing to make some effort and take some risks to get there. And I am not sure that's really what he wants in a relationship, or he's capable of doing it.

I guess I need to decide if this shell of a marriage is worth anything. My children are happier now he's home: even Eldest. He's a better father than he was. He contributes fairly to the finances and there's never been any financial abuse or mistreatment or control from him. He works hard and he does a fair share of the domestic work. He would give me practical help if I asked for it - like driving me somewhere or running me an errand. He sometimes makes me packed lunches for work when he knows I have a long day ahead. With Youngest especially he is attentive and funny and caring . He has no social life, no real hobbies, no friends and only very superficial connections with his family. He's happy for me to see as much or as little of my friends as pleases me and has never put any limit on my GAL and never even suggested that I should. I actually think he prefers me to be out in the evenings as then there's no expectation he will need to interact with me. He doesn't mind that some of my friends and colleagues who I have lunches with are men and has never expressed any concern or jealousy (nor has he any reason to at all). It could be and has been a lot worse. I know many on this board would probably love to be where I am now. But even on our good days I catch myself looking at him and thinking, 'is this all there is?' and feeling pretty disappointed. I am sure he senses that and I am sure that has an effect on how open he is willing to be.

I don't know how much it is okay to say on here about the bedroom. Suffice to say it's never been that great. He doesn't tend to initiate: in better times, that was my job. He could decline (and would generally make lots of excuses rather than say he was angry) or he would be avoidant - pretending to be asleep or staying up late until after I had gone to sleep. On the very rare occasions he did initiate, he would be awkward and rushed - as if it was a duty he was attempting to get through quickly so he could do something preferable - and if I gave him suggestions or asked for more tenderness, he would generally be passive aggressive and offended. We have talked about this and he mentioned a few weeks ago that he felt he wanted to initiate more. I tried to welcome that, but I didn't really believe it would ever happen, and it hasn't. I struggle to be responsive to him (which of course will put him off initiating) because he's so reluctant and awkward and really quite cold. When he have tried to talk about this, he's been unable to say what is going on with him - only that I need to do or be something different. I take his suggestions and act on them, but they make no difference to his desire or behaviour. I don't want him to do something he does not want to do (he's used the phrase 'muscling through it' more than once in reference to what it is like for him to be with me).

Ugh. This is a big brain dump.

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Thank you for sharing all of that... this sounds really difficult. Are you guys in MC? Another option you might consider if Retrouvaille is too religious for you might be an Art and Science of Love workshop-- I think they are held outside the US-- or reading the 7 principles or something like that together?

I have three questions for you:

One, why do you want to stay married to him?

Two, can you share the wonderful things about him? Why you fell in love in the first place and what kept you together in the years before it went south?

Three, what do you want in a M and an H in the long term-- say x years from now when you're over this difficult patch? Where are you willing to compromise and where are you not? Have you thought about where you both want to go in terms of building a new MR together and what that would look like? It sounds like you don't know what he wants, but do you know what you want? Do you think he knows what he wants? Do you think it is possible for you to have these kinds of conversations? (ok, I know that is more than three questions... sorry! can't help it!)

As I read through your post, I wondered if you are in a place where it is hard to see the positives, or if there are really very little positives to see. As an outside observer, it seems like it isn't a very happy situation and that you don't have a lot of hope. I wonder if you read the post and pretended it were someone else's, what your advice to them would be.

[AlisonUK]

Hi Alison,

Thank you for sharing all of that... this sounds really difficult. Are you guys in MC? Another option you might consider if Retrouvaille is too religious for you might be an Art and Science of Love workshop-- I think they are held outside the US-- or reading the 7 principles or something like that together?

We're not in MC. Both in IC. I've been invited to go to his IC with him, which I put off for ages, then agreed to but was sick and couldn't manage. Now I've agreed we have a joint appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks. I've asked him what he wants to talk about and what he wants to get out of me being there, but he's been vague. Wants to 'go with the flow' rather than plan things out.


I have three questions for you:

One, why do you want to stay married to him?

I have to say, I don't know. My life would be mildly practically more difficult if he were not around. The kids are happier with him here. Financially it's slightly better for me. I hoped that things would be different. I don't really have that hope now.

Two, can you share the wonderful things about him? Why you fell in love in the first place and what kept you together in the years before it went south?

I used to appreciate his calmness, his steadiness. His reliability. The way he was careful and self contained. It always felt like he was a very deep man with some hidden depths he kept away from the world. Now I feel like he's either a) secretive and unwilling to be vulnerable or honest or b) there's not much there other than what I see on the surface. What kept us together? Some common goals about children, buying a house, a shared feeling of finding the world and other people pretty difficult (I no longer feel that way and am much healthier and more social than I was).

Three, what do you want in a M and an H in the long term-- say x years from now when you're over this difficult patch? Where are you willing to compromise and where are you not? Have you thought about where you both want to go in terms of building a new MR together and what that would look like? It sounds like you don't know what he wants, but do you know what you want? Do you think he knows what he wants? Do you think it is possible for you to have these kinds of conversations? (ok, I know that is more than three questions... sorry! can't help it!)

I know what I want and have communicate that. He tells me he wants to feel respected and supported. To have lots of time on his own to follow his own interests. I've asked him what type of practical things he'd like to change about our lives. He generally says he'd like the house to be more organised, for the mornings and evenings (school run times) to be calmer and less noisy and for him to have more time on his own. I've said I'd like to have more things to do together, which in principle he agrees with but he generally declines any invitations from me and has no GAL of his own. I have no idea if he feels lonely or bored or what interests of his he is wanting to make time for. He was alone for most of yesterday evening as I went away to a different room to read and do some crafts. He seemed to be watching television and eating. I tried to engage him in conversation this morning - I'm working today and he's not - and he wanted to talk to me a bit about his opinions about US sports. I listened and tried to ask some questions.

As I read through your post, I wondered if you are in a place where it is hard to see the positives, or if there are really very little positives to see. As an outside observer, it seems like it isn't a very happy situation and that you don't have a lot of hope. I wonder if you read the post and pretended it were someone else's, what your advice to them would be.

I don't have hope. I am wondering if I should accept that I've changed and he's just not a good fit for me any more, and get my emotional needs met elsewhere (I mean more GAL, not an EA or PA). I also know I have a tendency to be negative and to see the worst in things, and that's my fear talking. Life is generally calm and he is generally respectful to me. There's no sense of connection or fun or love there - and he does know I feel that way and I have asked for specific things that would help me. He doesn't do those things, has no suggestions of his own, will not give a reason for not going those things, and doesn't want to talk about any changes he wants to make to his own life so he's happier. I guess I can either accept this, or divorce him. I need to think on that more.

[AlisonUK]

Okay - this is my Monday update.

it's been fine this week. He's been a bit more snappy, a lot more distant, but not abusive. I've been cold myself, withdrawn, generally disappointed by him and though we haven't spoken about this, I know he can tell and it will be adding to the tensions.

I am wondering if it is time to throw in the towel? I don't enjoy spending time with him because basically, I just don't like him. I am civil and polite and I go through the motions of validating, acts of service, supporting him in front of the kids. That's made a lot of difference to him and though from his side things aren't perfect, I think he's satisfied enough with that. We're like friendly enough colleagues most of the time.

I wonder if it's the same for him, with me? He doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. And of course that makes sense - who would want to spend time with someone who didn't like them? It's a sad situation. I'd like him to be warm and interested in me and the world and his own life and have hobbies and friends and interests to share. I'd like him to delight in me and want to please me. I'd like to feel that way about him too. But I don't, he doesn't seem to, and we're both making a lot of efforts but 'that feeling' just isn't there. Perhaps I just don't love him any more. I'm not sure he's loved me for a long time. I don't fancy making myself into a different sort of person for his benefit, and I am sure he could rightly say exactly the same thing.

Perhaps I need to work on thriving in a loveless marriage - which I am more than capable of. Or perhaps I need to end this marriage so I can thrive outside of it and leave the way clear for a healthier and happier relationship at some point in the future. I have no idea what is keeping him in this marriage, except perhaps his needs for love and intimacy are very low, and as I've stopped the things that bothered him, he's happy enough, and selfish enough not to bother that I am not happy.

I guess I thought if he stopped being mean to me the rest of it - the good stuff - would come back. He has stopped being mean to me, and I've stopped caring about it - more or less, most of the time - and what's left between us now the fighting has stopped is... nothing much.

Part of me wants to have some kind of 'come to Jesus' talk with him, lay down the law and give him some kind of ultimatum. But it would be a destructive and pointless move: he can't force himself to feel the way he perhaps used to feel about me and doesn't any more. Just as I can't force myself to feel that either. I have told him how I feel. I've been very specific. He's a good one for the empty promises but I really don't want to get into that pursuit thing again. I only want what he's capable of offering freely and with a good heart, and that's - well - nothing much of value to me.

I have read around suggestions about rekindling things - spending time together, talking about things, emails or dates or fun time together. And if I am brutally honest, I have tried and extended invitations to him but when I think about spending an evening in his company listening to his smart sarcastic remarks about people he works with, or items on the news, or anything at all - he really only talks to moan or criticise something - I feel myself shudder and think what a nicer and happier time I'd have taking out my kids, spending time with my friends, or doing something creative and interesting on my own. Perhaps he's depressed - but he's had months in therapy and could have gone to a GP if he wanted to. Perhaps he doesn't know how to connect with me - but he's as able to read relationship books as I am and is as resistant to any sense he has anything to learn about the world, himself, relationships or me as he ever was. It's like living with a rock.

[BluWave]

(((Alison))) Big hugs to you, sister. I feel you on so many points. I have had some similar thoughts over the years that come and go, but perhaps not as strongly as you. Mostly, I do love my H. You are lacking respect, intimacy, and a solid foundation, so what are you trying to salvage really? These are hard questions! I wish we had answers for you!

Can I just say how much I love your openness and honesty? You think things through and you lay it all out there. It is amazing and so refreshing. I don't read you making any excuses or trying to convince us (yourself) that things are a certain way. There is no persuasive writing, and I am thinking that means you have come to a very honest place with yourself. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself.

I wish I had something more to offer you or some good advice. I don't. Perhaps this has been a long time coming? Sure, you got the guy, but do you actually want him? This is another reason that piecing is so hard, and that is that we often discover that no, we don't in fact want the person after all! I think your scenario is the most common one, but people like you are not the ones posting at sites like this.

There is not much you are describing about him that it sounds like is worth holding on to. He sounds rather unpleasant. I also don't know him and know what you loved about him so much before. You described him as even tempered and a nice balance, but you did not describe a man that is a strong partner. The lack of intimacy is also raising a big red flag for me.

As you know, this all takes such a long time. You don't have to make any decisions today, next week or even next month. I do think you are on the right path. You are being true to yourself. You do not have to change for anyone, even if that means losing your family unit. You can both still be good parents apart. And in time, you can find a better love and partner that treats you well. In time, your children will learn to understand and will be okay regardless. You don't have to stay in an unhappy life for anyone else.

Blu

[AlisonUK]

Thanks Blu. I've come a long way since I first started posting here! I wonder how much I'm feeling now is due to some deep rooted anger and resentment and hurt over how I've been treated, and some disappointment that he just does not have the skills to communicate affection and empathy and care in ways that I understand. I know him - he isn't doing this to spite me or to hurt me - he just genuinely isn't a talker, doesn't articulate his feelings or thoughts, isn't really that affectionate. We have talked about love languages but doesn't really understand the concept that the trick is to GIVE love in the other person's language, rather than for me to just accept that when he - for example - goes out at night to buy milk - I SHOULD just feel loved as that it how he means it. I know he's like this in all of his relationships - which is why he's alone all the time - and I did know this when I married him so he can't be blamed for ill treating me when he is just being who he is. I guess I've just changed a lot.

And I can look at things from his point of view. He has many of his own resentments. He sees my 180s and he's said before me having changed makes him feel angry as if it was so easy, why didn't I do it earlier? I can validate that whole-heartedly because I get it. But he can either be angry, or accept I've changed, or not - it's his work to do, not mine. He's also living with a wife who claimed to want more fun, more affection, more meaningful conversation, more quality time, but who is cold and unresponsive when he attempts, awkwardly, to do those things. It must be frustrating for him. He does try now and again to do what I want, and because I know it isn't really heartfelt (I am talking about the bedroom here specifically, but other things too) him doing it doesn't count for much for me. He must find me demanding and picky and impossible to please. I also know that all of my special qualities, my humour and empathy and clear thinking and creativity and loyalty and emotional sensitivity and curiosity and energy and interest in the world - are basically more or less invisible in my marriage: I leave all the good parts of me at the front door of my home and he never sees them. I can say I feel unappreciated but I also know I don't let him see any of my special qualities so I have a hand in that too.

I also know that we have very different day to day lives. We both work in the same sector (we don't share a workplace or employer) but I'm senior in a more creative, people focussed role and he's a little more junior in a more technical role. We play to our strengths and he's good at his job and works hard, but my work is much better paid, more flexible, has better conditions and is, to the outside world, more impressive. I believe he's always carried some resentment about that. It comes out now and again in some barbed remarks. I know he feels he hasn't done as well in life as he could have done. I don't accept responsibility for that, but he hasn't ever had much in the way of empathy or sympathy from me because - well - I don't mind being the breadwinner and would rather be independent than rely on a man - and because I find whining without making a plan to change the situation very unattractive. (Though I do plenty of that myself with my friends!). I guess he hasn't had the gentleness and sense of someone in his corner in our marriage that he'd have wanted. He's brought some of that on himself with his repellent behaviour, but not all of it.

Blu - if you have felt in the past like I have felt - what actions did you take that changed the situation for the better? Whether I stay in my marriage or not, I don't want to be bitter and mean and contemptuous of another human being - it's beneath me and I don't want to be that sort of person. I just don't seem to be able to shift it.

[BluWave]

Alison,

You really have come such a long way! And in only a years time? That is such a short amount of time when you think about the life of a M and family! How long have you known your H for?

I appreciate the way you look at your part, have personal insight, think about how you can grow and change, and you really take ownership and responsibility for yourself. As you are learning, it has to be both people doing this in the equation and you can't force the other person to do that. I also hear (read) you saying that there are some elements that were there previously when you got M that you accepted before. Does that mean you should accept those (what have become more) negative qualities now? GREAT QUESTION. I think about that too. Let me know when you figure it out ;-)

What have I done when I start to question my H and my own M? Honestly, I still see my sitch as a work in progress. I get frustrated and upset at my H sometimes too. I have to learn to separate what are normal disagreements in any M and what it is about him I don't like and cannot accept. I also have to check my emotions a bit and ask myself if my feelings are exaggerated because I am holding onto some hard feelings. I also have to continue to be responsible for the way I communicate my frustrations and feelings despite how justified I may feel in them. These are moments when I realize I still have a lot to work on. They also force me to see that in the past, before BD, I did less of this and was not a good partner in some ways. Overall, I do think my H is a good man, partner and father. When I really dissect what is bothering me or upsetting me, I don't often find much that I can't accept.

I am not sure how much that helps. I think my H has also done a lot of personal work and is accountable for his mistakes. I am not sure you are describing as much of that with your H. I really do think it takes two people to reconcile a broken M, even if perhaps he was not that type of character before. I don't like that he can be cold and nasty towards you at times, I just don't think I could ever be okay with that sort of thing.

Blu

[AlisonUK]

Hi Blue - thanks for that.

I think if there was a foundation of good - of a shared connection or intimacy or fun or humour - then I would find it easier to be tolerant of his lack of skills and differences from me in other ways. He is not an honest person and I know that - have always known it deep down - and I also know it has nothing to do with me but is his own issue. When things were better there was enough that we shared to put the difficult stuff into its proper place. I accepted he was generally evasive when he felt sensitive, but there was enough we could share on to stick us together. Now there's no abuse, but not much good stuff either. Just a stiff cordiality punctuated by his barbs now and again.

We had a bit of a talk earlier. He let me know he has cancelled the joint session with the IC as he's decided I would not feel comfortable with it. I called him out on that. I said he could cancel it for whatever reason he wanted, but I wouldn't accept blame for him deciding how I felt without asking me then acting on that. I also don't believe a word of it. I imagine - though I don't know - he anticipates feeling exposed, or my revealing a slant on something or a perspective that is vastly different to the way he's shared with his therapist. I don't think he trusts her - or anyone - enough to realise that of course two people can have different attitudes and feelings and neither one be lying. But I'm mind reading. I don't really know. He said he researched a different therapist and got in touch with him today. I don't really believe he did that. To be honest, my general feeling at the moment is to assume every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. It doesn't help our relationship but is also based on long experience of his past behaviour.

I think he does want to reconcile the broken M. I do think that reconciliation would involve trust, introspection, risk-taking and communication skills that he doesn't have. I believe I have all the rest of it other than trust, and I do feel it is a wise and logical choice not to trust him. The more I think about this, the clearer the path ahead seems to be.

[AlisonUK]

Just another weekly update.

It's been a calm week, on the whole. Just two difficult moments. The first was about Eldest, who didn't answer his phone (we were both out in the evening - separately - asked him to keep his phone available and on so we could check in with him, and he did not do that). We were both anxious and worried something had happened, both pretty annoyed with Eldest about it. I suggested we leave it until the morning to address, but H started to tackle Eldest. He began by calling him pathetic and doing nasty impressions of him - pretending to wail and cry and rub his eyes and speak in a high pitched voice.

I noticed my own reaction: in the past this has made me cry or panic when directed at me and when directed at my children I've felt panic and anger. This time I thought he was being silly and ridiculous and I felt contempt and pity. I didn't let it go on for more than a minute or so, but interrupted, told him that behaviour was totally unacceptable then asked Eldest to come upstairs with me, where I spoke to him about why we were worried and upset, and what he needed to do better next time. I didn't get into a discussion about H's behaviour with Eldest - just redirected to what we expected from him and why. Eldest apologised to both of us and went to bed. H sulked for a bit and I ignored it.

I suppose he felt undermined by me (I am mind reading - he didn't say that, as he was choosing to sulk rather than communicate so I could be wrong) but we had a clear agreement that he wasn't going to speak to Eldest - or me - in that way and I don't feel that pretending that behaviour is okay in order to provide a united front to the kids is remotely acceptable or of benefit to either me, H or the kids. H brought it up with me in the morning and I just calmly stuck to my guns - said I was doing what we'd both agreed was a good approach with Eldest, that no-one could blame him for being worried and anxious and that affecting how he responded, but his response was precisely what we'd agreed wasn't going to happen any more and I wasn't going to tolerate it.

He did apologise to Eldest a day or so later, in a pretty blamey way ('I wouldn't have had to act like that if you'd have done as you were asked...') but an apology of any sort at all is pretty remarkable progress on his part so I've said nothing more about it. Still, it felt to me to have the conversation with Eldest. It was a pretty minor matter and resolved quickly but I do note that most of the positive parenting falls to me as H just does not have the relationship or communication skills to do anything but fall back on his usual tactics. Where he is at right now is to either withdraw and leave it to me, or do his usual thing. I don't want to treat him like a child - that's a bad dynamic - and I think I might have. I need to be assertive and clear and respectful in these situations and while I think I was closer to the mark than I have been in times past, I didn't hit it.

Today H has been sitting with his headphones on in the family room. He's exhausted from work and irritable. We have some vague plans tomorrow to go out for the day. I asked if we could look at some maps and make a bit of a plan so we could decide a time on when would be best to leave the house as I'd expect he wanted to sleep in. My timing was bad, I suppose. My intention was something like this, 'shall we make a plan so you get what you need, which looks like rest?' and he heard 'you're clearly going to lie in bed all day so how about I control everything so you can't?' he responded pretty defensively and rudely. I told him his tone was unacceptable and he'd misunderstood me, I rephrased my request to make it clear my intention was to take into account what he needed and wanted. He then wanted to have an argument about whether he was being defensive or not, which I ignored, then he issued us all with a time when we needed to be ready to leave, without really engaging with any discussion. He's back to sulking now.

I could have picked my timing better. All the signs were there that he was not in the mood for engaging with family life. He was genuinely tired and he's not able to sustain the minor progress he's made when he's feeling weary from his work. It is hard to leave him alone when he camps out in the family space, but I could do better at that. I could have looked at the maps on my own and made my own plan and just got on with things - letting him join us or not. Again, this is my being the adult and him tagging along as a child, or not - there's no real partnership there and that's what I am looking for but he's clearly not got the ability to provide it.

If he's still unpleasant tomorrow I will go out with the kids alone (no problem at all there: it was my plan and he can either come and have family GAL or he can stay at home, as he prefers) and he can do as he prefers. He has next week off work and he's already complaining about the things he thinks he must do around the house when he's away from work. I do a fair share of day to day housework and more of the childcare than he does, but there are some general maintenance tasks - some painting and repairs etc - that he has decided need to be done and will spoil his rest on his time off. I'm not going to engage in that. He can do it, or leave it, and if he leaves it well there's nothing there that's urgent and I can pay someone to do it if it becomes urgent.

Other than these things, he's actually been a little warmer and a little better in temper this week. Not exactly cheerful, but talking about his life and asking me about mine - at work etc - which is becoming more 'normal' for us but is a significant improvement on how things were before our separation. We have had some conversation about a summer vacation and he took the initiative in looking for a place to stay, checking it out with me and both kids, and booking it. That's also new and very welcome: it's good to feel that he's planning these things, taking a hand in organising them, and seeking out opinions and thoughts from me and the kids before making a decision. He chose a good place and I let him know I was grateful. He has also been texting me most days wishing me a good day at work (I've had a bit of a stressful time these past couple of weeks) and communicating clearly and reliably when he will be leaving and coming back. He's done a bit more of the morning work with the kids - breakfasts and so on for Youngest - and taken care of a couple of admin tasks regarding Youngest's school trips and clubs which is not usual for him either. I've been careful to express verbally that I am grateful for that, as I am.

With regards to IC / MC. H has decided he doesn't want me to come and see his IC with him - he wanted this for a while I was reluctant, when I finally agreed we couldn't get the dates to line up, I had to back out of one appointment due to illness and we made another, which he cancelled last week pretending it was because I felt uncomfortable about it. He messaged his IC a day or two later and told her he wanted to stop the sessions as he didn't feel comfortable attending with me and wanted to find a different therapist for the two of us. He told me he emailed a few possible MC therapists for us last week. I said if he wanted to attend someone together I'd like to be involved in reviewing their web pages and choosing someone we both felt positive about. He didn't respond to that. He's already sent off a few emails but I have no idea what the responses have been or what his plans are there. It's very confusing. He doesn't seem to know how to collaborate: only to lay down the law or to withdraw. It's no wonder he doesn't really have many friends if this is how is is generally with people (and I believe that it is).

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Just had a couple of thoughts to share with you which you can take or leave... one, the parenting thing is so, so difficult, especially in a situation where you're worried about your child. I can imagine that for both of you it brings up strong emotions and is difficult to navigate. Your H seems like he has some real issues of his own that are brought out by your eldest, and while I'm 100% in your corner on the best way to handle the parenting issues, I'm sure it is super hard for your H who doesn't have a lot of coping mechanisms for himself as it is. Kudos to you for not responding with panic or anger. I wonder if contempt is swinging a bit too far in the other direction and eventually you can settle somewhere in the middle where you can better help your H respond appropriately to your child. Also, I wonder if part of your subconscious reasoning to stick it out with your H (at least for the moment) is so that you are present to temper those responses and can support your child. (And maybe I'm reading way too much into all of this... again, for you to take or leave, just an observation from my vantage point.)

Another thought-- even though H is not working together with you as you'd like in selecting an MC, I think it is probably a good thing that he's interested in doing it, and also probably a good thing to keep his IC for him alone so that he has someone 100% there for him. Maybe eventually there will be issues that can come up in MC that he agrees to work on in IC (like the mimicking voices, etc.). Can you do your own research and suggest MCs you'd be willing to see? Also, just for clarification-- is he stopping his IC altogether, or just the idea of you seeing her together?

Hoping your day tomorrow is fun whether he tags along or not!